Friends recriprocating

[nannybeach]

I am sure I am not alone in this, we have a lot of friends relatives, who come to us for parties,BBQs, sometimes just tea and cake, BUT we never ever get invited back. Years ago, at the end of day goodbye, it would be "you must come to us next time", we would say, "yes, we would love to", it never happened, then they stopped saying it. Last year, I desided not to invite anyone round, didnt say anything, just didnt arrange anything or contact anyone with invite. Some contacted me, asking, said no party etc happening, lots were disappointed asked why, gave various reasons. Had one, still no return invite. Asked DH what he thought, he said part-joking, perhaps they dont like us, but why would they all happily come to us then?

[Lonoxo]

I enjoy hosting as I am interested in cooking, and it's a good way to spend time with friends or family. Another reason for hosting is that it is can cost the same to cook for four people as it does for me to pay for myself for a restaurant meal. It's a lot of hard work, from the cleaning the house beforehand, shopping, catering for any special dietary requirements and just being attentive during the meal.
I agree with you OP that people should reciprocate in someway. I don't keep tally but surely for every 4 or so times you have been to my house, I get invited round to yours once. I know some people don't like hosting or are not good cooks. I don't expect gourmet food or a show home. There are plenty of 'cheats' way of cooking and you can do something simple which is fun (I am thinking of doing a jacket potato bar in the future).

OP - I think if you are starting to resent it and feel used, then you should stop doing it. Perhaps the next big gathering should be in a restaurant where everyone pays their way and puts in the same amount of effort.

[Cocopopsrule]

Same here. I am starting to be blatant and just say - sure! I'd love to meet but not at ours because I can't be bothered with the work.

[Lonoxo]

coralfish I am gobsmacked by that. Some people just lack awareness.

[BaconMaker]

I would gladly accept an invite to someone's party but would hate to throw a big party myself. I'm also slightly embarrassed of my house which is smaller than lots of my friends and furnished with cheap furniture. I do of course always make sure I bring nice wine, a dish etc etc.

[ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual]

I have a friend like treaclesoda - she hosts most often and I used to think it was natural generosity, but have realised that it's actually about being in control. She makes it quite clear that she hates being in my house - doesn't even accept a drink and always stays under an hour. I don't think it can be specific to my house, which is normal!

We can't afford to host often but I do reciprocate. Because of the cost, I tend to try to slow down the frequency of how often we're at other people's, so that we're not constantly hosting either, iyswim?

[Man10]

Not everybody feels the same way about hosting. It costs some people far more than it costs others. (Costs in every sense, not just financially.) Invite people if that's better for you than not inviting them, don't expect anything in return.

If I felt I had to reciprocate invitations, I would turn them down. No hard feelings, it's just that for me, being a host is not a price worth paying in return for visiting other people. (TBH, visiting other people isn't necessarily something I'd much enjoy in the first place.)

[donajimena]

You can't host and EXPECT to be asked in return. I've lived in a grotty rental for 10 years and barely let anyone over the threshold. I'm moving soon and finally feel I can have guests

[KitKat1985]

I'm guilty of this for a couple of reasons really. Firstly our house (with a baby and toddler) is just chaos at the best of times, with toys everywhere and there's so many 'odd jobs' around the house that need doing that we haven't managed to get around to (a kitchen cupboard door that fell off which needs reattaching, areas which need a touch-up of paint etc) that I just feel pretty embarrassed of our house really, so I hate having people over. It's also pretty small and we don't have enough seating for more than a handful of people at a time.

Also I'm naturally an introvert, and struggle with being with groups of people for prolonged periods. If I go to see someone it's fairly easy to make my excuses to leave when I've had enough, but I've discovered from experience it's much harder to politely indicate to your guests that you would like them to leave now.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Dh and I used to host parties and they were epic from the food to the wine, disco ball and lights etc etc. Dh had a big group of friends, who were always invited. I was not accepted and the women in the group and it slowly became obvious they were very jealous of me and wanted him all to themselves. He was happy to host and have nothing in return and I mean nothing. One couple, who lived close to us and regularly "dropped by" and were treated to impromptu 3 course meals with champagne and 1er crus. They of course arrived empty handed on these visits. They never once offered to take us out for a meal or have us over. She bought her house cash and they both had good jobs so money was not the issue. They never had any intention of hosting as they chose to buy a place so small it couldn't accommodate guests (studio I think). Things went too far and I gave dh an ultimatum. We don't see these people anymore. It is a shame I've lost contact with a couple of the men from the group as they were decent people. Not so much the women, one of who, actually had the audacity to slag me off behind my back to another friend at my dhs surprise birthday party - so I did the whole thing completely by myself. They never helped clear up and were very disrespectful of the property. Think unwrapped condoms in the bathroom bin from an extra marital shag and much worse besides.

My view is these people may be in awe of you and may feel too afraid of failing. But they probably don't have a great deal of respect for you if they don't reciprocate in other ways. Dh was very much a fair weather, party friend. And I was no friend at all. What you do from here is really a hard one. It sounds as though they like your parties and probably enjoy your company at the parties. But I'm wondering if it really goes any further than that.

[HappenstanceMarmite]

So what would be the solution in my case? Not accept any invites and look stand offish? Not meant in a snarky way OPsmile, but it is a definite dilemma.

To answer this - and many other pp who said they don't like hosting or are ashamed of their homes - you reciprocate by taking the hosts out to dinner/lunch/tea (whatever is in your budget).

We have friends who own a beautiful large house who enjoy accommodating us for dinner and overnight stays. We can't have them overnight as only have a small spare room (and we live too far apart to drive there and back in one day). So they stay in a cheap B&B when down this way for a city break and we always meet up and buy them dinner. Simple.

[WhispersOnTheWind]

I agree Happenstance I think if you are regularly accepting hospitality you have to make some effort to reciprocate but it doesn't have to be 'like for like'; they're your friends, they must know how you're placed. They will understand you can't make your 1-bed flat into a mansion with a dedicated ballroom or upgrade your beans-on-toast culinary level skills to a Michelin star but you can invite people to a nice pub lunch or dinner out occasionally.

[Lariflete]

I don't mind hosting but I have one friend who will come to mine and has never once contributed a thing! I find that a little bit off, tbh because I always take something whenever I go to a friends house.

And my house isn't as nice as any of my friends, furniture old and a bit knackered, lots of little jobs need doing and in constant need of tidying, but my friends don't care about that. They like spending time with me. So don't let embarrassment put you off!!!

[Cocopopsrule]

I wouldnt mind if my friends just organised something like a meal out. Or trip to the park. Or a day trip with picnics. It's the organising and initiative I find tiring. Im not bothered about costs as I never do anything I cant afford and wouldnt expect others to do so. I have no problem inviting people over for what others may view as very standard fare.

[arethereanyleftatall]

In response to a poster up thread - I do indeed host so that I get invited back; as it's far far more fun to be the guest (and far cheaper), than to be the host. It wouldn't be fair to not take my turn at hosting. It's a chore.

[happilyeverafta]

Oldraver....we just said where the shop was or my DH has gone with the Bil and he's paid.

They are v tight with money though. All the time.

[Rednailsandnaeknickers]

said no party etc happening, lots were disappointed asked why, gave various reasons.

^^ this was when you needed to tell them the actual reason! I.e. Tired of always hosting and would like someone else to take a turn! They are not mind readers, they might think you absolutely love throwing your parties! Just tell them in a pleasant way and hopefully things will change.

[Thinkingofausername1]

The only people I invite round is friends I know won't judge my house. Have you made any negative comments about their house at all?
Perhaps the other suggestion is actually saying a date and time. My dh said to do this when I got fed up of people saying we should meet in holidays and never do . Saying how about next Saturday at 5 might give them a kick up the bum!

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yanbu at all! I get that some people for whatever reasons might not host, but don't ask op when she is giving a party, very rude, and keep asking her. Hopefully they will get the message.

[sabzii]

I would stop inviting them and find new friends! They are not welcoming you into their homes or making any effort to entertain in return. It's a cop-out to say you don't host because your house is too small! We used to live in a 1-bed flat and still had couples over for dinner. It doesn't need to be something fancy, it's about making the effort. If they can't be bothered to tidy up, cook a simple meal and make conversation, why should you put time and energy into hosting? Having people over isn't a chance to show off your big house and expensive furniture- real friends won't care!

As for being introverted and not liking people in your home, don't you make an effort to overcome that?

[purpleleotard]

Been In the same situation.
Those who don't reciprocate don't get invited.

[Rixera]

My house is in a state. Full of junk that I'm only getting cleared now, carpets the landlord probably hasn't replaced since firsg letting the place out, oh, 20 odd years ago, dodgy doors and plumbing constantly in need of repair, a slightly broken sofa I'm saving to replace.
Once it's tidy and organised it will be okay but until then only my most 'relaxed' friends are coming over.
Not to mention money is tight so in terms of bringing wine to a friend's, that's not happening if I have to pay train tickets. I can make a dessert usually but to say you have to contribute something makes me wonder why you call them friends given their company is not enough of a reason to want them over.

[Ohyesiam]

Maybe you do it really well, and they don't feel confident to do it well? I mean it's a bit of a land excuse, but it could be what they tell themselves.

[mygorgeousmilo]

My DH and I do love to host, we are big on cooking, always have tonnes of wine. We now have a lot of space, but even back in the tiny flat days - we were always hosting! Kids are very often included, always well fed and entertained. Very, very rarely do we get invited, and only recently as work etc has piled up, I've started to feel a bit and thinking that you know what, could someone actually fucking reciprocate, just ONCE?? Getting annoyed now just thinking about it. Like I said, we enjoy it, but might enjoy it even more if we could occasionally go to someone else's and be wined and dined.

[sabzii]

to say you have to contribute something makes me wonder why you call them friends given their company is not enough of a reason to want them over

It's the principal of it... if someone welcomes you into their home, goes to the effort and expense of cooking, makes you feel welcome and cared for... don't you think you should return the favour, even if it's just a cup of tea and homemade cake?
If people kept accepting invitations to my house yet never invited me to theirs I'd feel taken advantage of. Like they are happy to dine at my expense (and not have the stress of preparing their own home for visitors) can leave whenever it suits them, have no cleaning or dishes to do at the end of the evening!

If someone judges your home and furniture they're not friends. I've had wonderful meals sitting on the floor in tiny flats, where there aren't enough chairs to go round! It's the company and feeling welcome that counts. Make a big pot of rice and cheap veggie dhal, or ask people to bring a dish.

I would also never go to a meal empty handed- a bottle of wine, chocolates or a home made dessert is good manners.

[whirlygirly]

I was saying just this to dp the other day. We host about 3/4 of the time and I increasingly find it exhausting. I'm going to scale it back.

Its the planning, preparing, cleaning before and after, not to mention the expense. If people stay over there's a load of washing too.

It would be lovely just to go to the shop for wine and chocs and that be the sum of the effort.