Friends recriprocating

[nannybeach]

I am sure I am not alone in this, we have a lot of friends relatives, who come to us for parties,BBQs, sometimes just tea and cake, BUT we never ever get invited back. Years ago, at the end of day goodbye, it would be "you must come to us next time", we would say, "yes, we would love to", it never happened, then they stopped saying it. Last year, I desided not to invite anyone round, didnt say anything, just didnt arrange anything or contact anyone with invite. Some contacted me, asking, said no party etc happening, lots were disappointed asked why, gave various reasons. Had one, still no return invite. Asked DH what he thought, he said part-joking, perhaps they dont like us, but why would they all happily come to us then?

[nannybeach]

Rainbowqueen yes thats pretty much it, you ve hit the nail on the head!

[nannybeach]

Most of the relatives have fabulous houses, so its not that we make them feel inadequate, We used to live in a caravan!! Some are married to other halves with big families, so yes they do entertaining. We dont live anywhere fancy, I dont do fancy parties either, very little booze, My H and I cant drink for health reasons, my relatives dont drink, and most of the others are driving. I figure that as they have to drive 50 miles, they DO actually want to see us! A couple used to work near where we used to live, so would pop in would get tea and cake. I would say most are better off than us, holidays abroad,new cars.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Just say no you decided to take a break from hosting, and let you guys host instead!

[Rainbowqueeen]

I totally get where you are coming from OP, it's how it makes you feel when you are doing all the hosting.
You miss out on the thrill of receiving an invitation, of having a fun night with minimal input. You don't get to feel worthwhile because someone thought about you and made the effort to do something nice for you.

Instead you get all the wife work from the relationship ie the friendship.

And for me, it means the friendship suffers because I don't feel important and valued. I wouldn't walk away from a friendship because someone had a shabbier house than mine or wasn't a great cook but I will if someone won't show me that they value me by extending invitations to me.

And reciprocal doesn't mean like for like, it just means the chance to do something fun with my friends without having to do the hard slog every time.

[HerRoyalNotness]

I used to get this too. For example I did Boxing Day at ours 3 years in a row, catered ALL the food myself, 25-30 people over. Not reciprocated. I gave up as it was exhausting and demoralising.

The most I can stretch to these days is hosting tea and cake. You don't need a big place to do that, or a big budget

[Lymmmummy]

Maybe stop doing it - you have got yourself in a bit of a trap

Realistically could you reduce the number of occasions you offer to host and perhaps ask people to bring something just change the dynamic a bit

I had this a bit in reverse we were renovating a house so we couldn't host so went to new m
friends and all play dates at theirs etc in the end I just tailed them off and didn't ask to meet up because I felt uncomfortable always going to her hours knowing I couldn't reciprocate. Eventually in time I did reciprocate when renovation done but I was definitely in the feeling ashamed of having a shabby house camp. So yea sometimes when people don't want you in their house they can just be ashamed or unaware or nervous of hosting. Equally of course they could be fereloaders

[Aeroflotgirl]

IT is the principle, for whatever reason I could not host, or did not wan to, I could not keep going to friends houses, suggest meeting outside instead. It is rude, to keep taking and never giving. I would not mind hosting, if the non hosting friend coukd not as her house, is a tip, small, or she had anxieties around that, it's not everyone's cup of tea. Bit then I wou,d equally not go to dinner parties at friends houses, suggest we meet at a restaurant or whatever.

[WeAllHaveWings]

If they are your friends you can say "it has been our turn the last 5 years, would be nice to have it somewhere else for a change" and then see what happens.

[arethereanyleftatall]

The guy is our uni friendship group of ten who never reciprocated, is no longer in our group. Some people just take and never give, and in the end it pisses people off.
Yanbu op. I wouldn't host any of them ever again.

[whirlygirly]

I was saying just this to dp the other day. We host about 3/4 of the time and I increasingly find it exhausting. I'm going to scale it back.

Its the planning, preparing, cleaning before and after, not to mention the expense. If people stay over there's a load of washing too.

It would be lovely just to go to the shop for wine and chocs and that be the sum of the effort.

[sabzii]

to say you have to contribute something makes me wonder why you call them friends given their company is not enough of a reason to want them over

It's the principal of it... if someone welcomes you into their home, goes to the effort and expense of cooking, makes you feel welcome and cared for... don't you think you should return the favour, even if it's just a cup of tea and homemade cake?
If people kept accepting invitations to my house yet never invited me to theirs I'd feel taken advantage of. Like they are happy to dine at my expense (and not have the stress of preparing their own home for visitors) can leave whenever it suits them, have no cleaning or dishes to do at the end of the evening!

If someone judges your home and furniture they're not friends. I've had wonderful meals sitting on the floor in tiny flats, where there aren't enough chairs to go round! It's the company and feeling welcome that counts. Make a big pot of rice and cheap veggie dhal, or ask people to bring a dish.

I would also never go to a meal empty handed- a bottle of wine, chocolates or a home made dessert is good manners.

[mygorgeousmilo]

My DH and I do love to host, we are big on cooking, always have tonnes of wine. We now have a lot of space, but even back in the tiny flat days - we were always hosting! Kids are very often included, always well fed and entertained. Very, very rarely do we get invited, and only recently as work etc has piled up, I've started to feel a bit and thinking that you know what, could someone actually fucking reciprocate, just ONCE?? Getting annoyed now just thinking about it. Like I said, we enjoy it, but might enjoy it even more if we could occasionally go to someone else's and be wined and dined.

[Ohyesiam]

Maybe you do it really well, and they don't feel confident to do it well? I mean it's a bit of a land excuse, but it could be what they tell themselves.

[Rixera]

My house is in a state. Full of junk that I'm only getting cleared now, carpets the landlord probably hasn't replaced since firsg letting the place out, oh, 20 odd years ago, dodgy doors and plumbing constantly in need of repair, a slightly broken sofa I'm saving to replace.
Once it's tidy and organised it will be okay but until then only my most 'relaxed' friends are coming over.
Not to mention money is tight so in terms of bringing wine to a friend's, that's not happening if I have to pay train tickets. I can make a dessert usually but to say you have to contribute something makes me wonder why you call them friends given their company is not enough of a reason to want them over.

[purpleleotard]

Been In the same situation.
Those who don't reciprocate don't get invited.

[sabzii]

I would stop inviting them and find new friends! They are not welcoming you into their homes or making any effort to entertain in return. It's a cop-out to say you don't host because your house is too small! We used to live in a 1-bed flat and still had couples over for dinner. It doesn't need to be something fancy, it's about making the effort. If they can't be bothered to tidy up, cook a simple meal and make conversation, why should you put time and energy into hosting? Having people over isn't a chance to show off your big house and expensive furniture- real friends won't care!

As for being introverted and not liking people in your home, don't you make an effort to overcome that?

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yanbu at all! I get that some people for whatever reasons might not host, but don't ask op when she is giving a party, very rude, and keep asking her. Hopefully they will get the message.

[Thinkingofausername1]

The only people I invite round is friends I know won't judge my house. Have you made any negative comments about their house at all?
Perhaps the other suggestion is actually saying a date and time. My dh said to do this when I got fed up of people saying we should meet in holidays and never do . Saying how about next Saturday at 5 might give them a kick up the bum!

[Rednailsandnaeknickers]

said no party etc happening, lots were disappointed asked why, gave various reasons.

^^ this was when you needed to tell them the actual reason! I.e. Tired of always hosting and would like someone else to take a turn! They are not mind readers, they might think you absolutely love throwing your parties! Just tell them in a pleasant way and hopefully things will change.

[happilyeverafta]

Oldraver....we just said where the shop was or my DH has gone with the Bil and he's paid.

They are v tight with money though. All the time.

[arethereanyleftatall]

In response to a poster up thread - I do indeed host so that I get invited back; as it's far far more fun to be the guest (and far cheaper), than to be the host. It wouldn't be fair to not take my turn at hosting. It's a chore.

[Cocopopsrule]

I wouldnt mind if my friends just organised something like a meal out. Or trip to the park. Or a day trip with picnics. It's the organising and initiative I find tiring. Im not bothered about costs as I never do anything I cant afford and wouldnt expect others to do so. I have no problem inviting people over for what others may view as very standard fare.

[Lariflete]

I don't mind hosting but I have one friend who will come to mine and has never once contributed a thing! I find that a little bit off, tbh because I always take something whenever I go to a friends house.

And my house isn't as nice as any of my friends, furniture old and a bit knackered, lots of little jobs need doing and in constant need of tidying, but my friends don't care about that. They like spending time with me. So don't let embarrassment put you off!!!

[WhispersOnTheWind]

I agree Happenstance I think if you are regularly accepting hospitality you have to make some effort to reciprocate but it doesn't have to be 'like for like'; they're your friends, they must know how you're placed. They will understand you can't make your 1-bed flat into a mansion with a dedicated ballroom or upgrade your beans-on-toast culinary level skills to a Michelin star but you can invite people to a nice pub lunch or dinner out occasionally.

[HappenstanceMarmite]

So what would be the solution in my case? Not accept any invites and look stand offish? Not meant in a snarky way OPsmile, but it is a definite dilemma.

To answer this - and many other pp who said they don't like hosting or are ashamed of their homes - you reciprocate by taking the hosts out to dinner/lunch/tea (whatever is in your budget).

We have friends who own a beautiful large house who enjoy accommodating us for dinner and overnight stays. We can't have them overnight as only have a small spare room (and we live too far apart to drive there and back in one day). So they stay in a cheap B&B when down this way for a city break and we always meet up and buy them dinner. Simple.