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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable not wanting MIL to stay for five nights

51 replies

PetitFilou1 · 27/02/2007 16:00

She comes on her own as FIL and MIL are divorced. She doesn't help except do a bit of washing up and iron and generally just is THERE invading our privacy and creating work. She doesn't change nappies, bath the children, help with cooking or play with the children except reading to them. The worst thing is she stays on days when we are both going to work - it is a nightmare in the mornings getting the children to nursery and getting ourselves out of the door as it is and she just gets in the way. She has just retired and I feel we have to nip this staying forever thing in the bud now. I don't have anything in common with her, she isn't a bad person but I just don't want her around this much. Help?

OP posts:

Libra · 27/02/2007 16:42

I can sympathise, five nights can seem an age when you don't get on with your MIL. Mine arrives on Thursday for five nights. Any shorter is simply not possible because she is coming from overseas. On the positive side, yours sounds young and active and does want to be involved with the children. Get her ironing, etc.
I am afraid mine is 86 and not as active. In fact, her insurance company refuse to cover her when she travels but she still insists on coming. I am in dread that she falls ill here (she has recently been in hospital) or falls and breaks something. Will spend tomorrow removing all obstacles from the floor!
Can you try and plan things to keep everyone busy and involved? On Saturday we are going to a local amateur production of The Gondoliers. Not exactly my thing but will be an 'activity'. May be good, may be not, but will keep us all quiet and together for a few hours and may give us something to talk about afterwards.
I have to say that I keep strong by collecting the really annoying things she says and does. She and DH do not get on too well - she hates men generally - but she does get on with the boys so far and it is good that she wants to be with them.
Sorry, this turned into a post about the visit I am dreading rather than the visit you are dreading. Maybe we can support each other through!

Original poster

PetitFilou1 · 27/02/2007 16:45

charlieq sadly they can't go to her, she has a one bedroom flat in Wales and we live in London. I think I just find it hard because I run out of things to say to her and she is always complaining of having a 'virus' Dh also finds her hard work. It isn't just me! Tbh I have been a bit surprised by the strength of opinion from people who don't know actually her. I am not a bitch to her fgs and I don't make her unwelcome.

OP posts:

jambomum · 27/02/2007 16:49

Petitfilou, you are describing my darling MIL who left this morning, having arrived on Friday !!!!!
She went out yesterday morning, but was home at 2pm. when I spoke to her and told her that she was 'welcome to collect ds from his nursery whenever she liked' her response was that she would go for him at 5.30 if I wasn't home by then!!!!!!
So much for coming to spend time with her grandson.
My mother is horrified when I tell her what goes on. She would never dream of sitting around doing nothing whilst I work full time, run a house and try to be a good mum.
When she comes to stay, it's like having another pair of hands.

I know it's no consolation but you are not alone.

minniethemouse · 27/02/2007 16:50

i feel for you i have the same problem... of course, you are absolute not unreasonable.

WinkyWinkola · 27/02/2007 18:48

I don't think you're unreasonable at all, Petitfilou.

I for one wouldn't dream of staying at anyone's house for five whole nights especially if they had children and busy lives. I personally put a limit on guests staying for two nights. I've quite enough to do already rather than picking up after yet one more person for days on end.

If I stayed for one or two nights at someone else's house, I would most definitely be helping out, making meals, bringing a frozen casserole with me, hoovering, asking what I could do with the kids. In fact, get stuck in with family life.

That's normal, polite and courteous behaviour for a guest to do. Nothing to do with skivvying. If you're going to stay with someone for so long, they've got enough on their plates without having to run around after yet another person in the house.

There are some on mumsnet who see the words 'problem with MIL'' and automatically assume it is the DIL who is unwelcoming, unkind etc. You're not actually stopping visits from MIL - you'd just like a bit of courtesy, right?

lazyline · 27/02/2007 19:01

Personally, I don't like anyone coming to visit for that long. I guess some families like it and some don't. My B+SIL are always going to see my PIL for periods of up to 2 weeks, whereas in my family, we do more regular visits but for the day. I find it hard being in somoene's house for that long and also having someone here for that long.

If they are prepared to help, that's one thing. The fact that she doesn't help out indicates that she thinks of herself as a guest and as such, you feel as if you should treat her like one. It costs money to have someone stay in your house for a few days.

But, if you want her to help, then you need to ask her. And it is unreasonable to expect her to just realise all of a sudden that you don't want her to visit for a protracted period of time. Maybe next time, you should take the initiative and ask if she wants to come and visit for the weekend?

Original poster

PetitFilou1 · 28/02/2007 11:00

Yes thank you Winkywinkola that is exactly how I feel!
Lazylines Dh has had the conversation with her before about not coming for this long and it worked ..... for a while. Now she is retired I can see he is going to have to have it with her again. Last time it resulted in tears (if there was a wry smile emotion I would do it here) and I was the one who calmed them both down in the end! She is not an easy person and threatened not to come to our wedding at the time because we weren't having a top table (two sets of divorced parents who don't speak to each other was the main reason) It is that sort of behaviour I can't cope with.
The other problem is that me and dh don't have enough time together as it is as he is a workaholic plus does NHS on-call and aeromed on-call for the RAF. I am protective of my time with him when it is available! It is the length of time she comes for not the fact that she comes at all - of course she wants to come and that isn't the problem in itself.

OP posts:

lazyline · 28/02/2007 13:40

Eurgh I hate that sort of emotional blackmail! It's an awful situation, especially when they are not your direct family and yet you are the one left to sort it out, I feel for you.

How is it arranged that she comes? Does she phone and ask, or does she just tell you she will be appearing on a certain day?

kslatts · 28/02/2007 13:59

I think you are being unreasonable. My MIL and her husband live in Ireland so when they come to stay it is always for at least a week, it is great that our children get to spend time with their grandparents. She is also coming for a visit as a guest why on earth would she be expected to help out.

northerner · 28/02/2007 14:00

Unreasonable yes.

robbosmum · 28/02/2007 14:08

no, if yuo dont have anything in common with the woamn 5 days is a nightmare, esp. if she doesnt do anything to help out, i dont mean being a slave, but even just entertaining the kids or even ristling up a meal. It not expecting her to be a houseguest to be a slave , its about being a thoughtful guest. If you have a guest staying who makes you lol the most boring of tasks insnt an imposition, but if you dont enjoy the visitor it seems twice as long to have your home invaded (we may have the same mil)

robbosmum · 28/02/2007 14:08

my typing is soooo bad

robbosmum · 28/02/2007 14:10

i dont allow my mil to visit if we are working, whats the point she is supposed to be here to visit us,, not to sit in the house all day on her own.We organises a time when my dh is around to dilute the tedium/work

Spidermama · 28/02/2007 14:11

I think it's really hard but you have to put up with it. She's their grandmother and that's important. At least she does some ironging so shows some willing unlike my mum and MIL who just sit there talking and stopping me getting stuff done.

Perhaps you could giver her jobs or send her out to do things with the kids or one kid. She might just not know how to help and not want to interfere.

Original poster

PetitFilou1 · 28/02/2007 14:17

kslatts 'why on earth should she be expected to help out' so I take it that if you go to visit your parents for a week, you don't help them out with anything? If I went to visit people for a week I'd lend a hand without being asked.

OP posts:

Loshad · 28/02/2007 14:20

don't think you are being unreasonable at all - five days is a long time if you are busy. Many sympathies, mine come for 10-12days (last time DH was away for 5 of those- they knew in advance)an MIL does nothing,nor does she play with or do anything with her gk. Drives DH mad as well. Only good manners to offer to help, and would hope she wanted to play with gk!

Spidermama · 28/02/2007 14:23

My mum rarely helps but when she does it takes an hour to chop an onion.

Spandex · 28/02/2007 14:33

Goodness me, I'm really glad that none of those who say you're being unreasonable will ever be guests in my house, Petitfilou. I can't bear a lazy guest who expects to be waited on hand and foot. I'm nobody's skivvy! Everyone helps out in my house.

Original poster

PetitFilou1 · 28/02/2007 14:51

Yay for Spandex
I'm surprised at some of the replies - I guess some people think their house is a hotel. I don't! And if you come in the guise of seeing the grandchildren - spend some time with them, don't just sit on the sofa reading or hiding in the corner.

OP posts:

Muminfife · 28/02/2007 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Libra · 28/02/2007 15:17

My MIL tends to watch me dashing around and then commiserate with me that I don't have a maid and housekeeper, as she did when she had young children.
Don't think she can iron actually. Certainly can't cook.

lazyline · 28/02/2007 16:18

My MIL offers to do some things, like washing up. If we asked her to, I think she would quite happily take DS out somewhere or look after him so we could go out. FIL is a different story, he walks through the door, sits down on his bum where he stays for the next few days and asks for a cup of tea every hour or so. And expects to watch whatever he wants on the telly.

Maybe you could suggest that she only comes when you are on holiday. It does seem a bit wierd to me that she comes when you are all working, surely no-one is there in the day.

And, as someone else said, if she is coming to see the grandchildren, then maybe she should spend some quality time with them?

itsme123 · 28/02/2007 17:05

petitfilou. you are defo not being unreasonable. I dont like having any house guests for more than 2 nights either. My MIL has stayed with us in the past for 4 nights and did not do anything except read the paper and go out for a drink her son. This was also when i was seriously ill. we now have an unspoken rule she doesnt stay for more than 2 nights.
be grateful your mil will help a bit!
let us know how u get on as my mil is due to retire at the end of the year and has already said she will be coming to stay more often.....

nightowl · 28/02/2007 17:34

i think you are being unreasonable yes. (sorry). this is your dh's mother. what's five days out of your life? and why should she be expected to help? if she offers to then yes thats nice...but i dont think you should expect her to. she brought up your husband, would it be so wrong of her to think he may want to let her stay for a few days? she's still his mum. have a think..in the future would you like your kids partners to say the same thing about you?

However, if i had a guest here then they would have tea at the same time as us etc. i wouldn't expect anything of them but i wouldn't change my routine (ahem...whatever that is) for them either.

Spandex · 01/03/2007 20:00

This is your DH's mother? Yes, that's right - not the Queen!

Give her a pair of marigolds next time she comes over, Petitfilou. She's had kids -she must remember how hard work it is. She's a member of the family and should muck in.

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