AIBU to think I'm being unappreciated?

[Jannerite]

Before I start, this is going to potentially be outing, anybody who knows me will probably guess it's me, so hey to anybody who might potentially know me

My youngest nephew, my DBro's DS with his new girlfriend, was born about 6 months ago. Every Wed-Thurs I'll get a message from DBro asking if I'm having my nephew this weekend. This has happened for every weekend, bar about maybe 3-4 weekends since he was born, that's probably a generous guess. He comes on the Friday and leaves on the Sunday. Every weekend I am stuck indoors as I never have his pram here.

My DBro and his girlfriend weren't together, or it was really new, around the time my nephew was conceived. Nobody really knows as it was a bit secretive. She has DC from previous relationships, who spend time with their dad at the weekends. I have said to my DM that maybe this weekend I'll say no, but she insists I should do it as my DBro and his girlfriend hardly get any time alone together, and it's good for their relationship to have that time.

I really don't mind having my nephew with me. It can be quite nice (although I'm glad he's been sleeping through the night for a while now ). However, I've never been thanked for looking after him. I'm not expecting a party, or fireworks, or anything fancy, but a simple thank you every now and again would be nice.

AIBU for thinking I'm being unappreciated or am I just being a bitch for wanting a simple "thank you" sometimes? I can't quite work out which it is.

[Megatherium]

Oh, for goodness sake. Tell your mother that if she's that bothered about your brother's relationship she can look after his child, and that you're just as entitled to have your weekend to yourself as he is or as she is. Also tell her that it was the choice of your brother and his girlfriend to have the baby and you don't have to lose your weekends dealing with the consequences of that choice. If she doesn't want that, maybe she can pay for a childminder.

OP, please just start saying no. Tell them you'll have your nephew for occasional days but not the whole weekend every weekend, and that you must have his pram and any other equipment he needs.

And if your mother still whinges about it, tell her it simply isn't up for discussion.

[CigarsofthePharoahs]

Op, you know this arrangement is ridiculous and is taking advantage of you. The real question is - what do you actually feel able to do about it? Would you consider for example, taking on some sort of voluntary role most Saturdays, leaving you unable to help? Just how badly do you think your brother would react if you end this arrangement, or is all the grief coming from your Mum?

[Bettercallsaul1]

As nutbrownhare15 says, this is a bizarre situation, which simply couldn't have begun in most families, where people are treated as individuals with a right to their own, separate lives. It sounds as if your mother and brother (and partner) consider that the four of you make up a nuclear family with equal responsibility for the baby. (with your mother in a more managerial, rather than practical role) Thus your care of the baby at weekends is simply taken for granted by the other three - they see it as your duty.

This could never have happened unless there was already an over-dependent, highly controlled structure in your family before the baby was born. Your mother obviously sees your brother and his interests as paramount, with you being cast in a subordinate role of "helper". This is much easier to enforce - and more difficult for you to resist - if you don't have other significant relationships with the outside world. How is your social life, OP? Do you see friends during the week when you don't have the baby? Because what you really need is to stand back from your family and start investing in your own life - new hobbies, interests, classes. You have to stop thinking of yourself simply as a family member and instead as an individual, who should be having an interesting and fulfilling life of your own. This is not easy if you have the habits of a lifetime to escape from but do it - disengage slowly from this claustrophobic family life which does not value you as a person in your own right.

[BatShitTat]

You sound like a very good Aunt/sister, but if you're not happy with the arrangement you need to sort something else out that you are happy with. If you really enjoy having your nephew and want to help ypur brother out then there's nothing wrong with having him regularly, but 2-3 nights every week when he is so young seems excessive and unusual!

You need to say what you are happy with and try your best to stick to only that unless there are exceptional circumstances.

[MissBeehiving]

In the nicest possible way, OP you need you stop being such a doormat.

[MuseumOfCurry]

They need to pull their socks up and be real parents instead of trying to farm their children out at every opportunity. A five-week old baby needs to be with his mother. How very sad for your nephew.

[icelollycraving]

Your op has made me irrationally angry.
It's Tuesday,get in before they ask and say you aren't going to be available on weekends to look after their child so they need to make alternative arrangements. Ffs,take the fall out,it'll be worth it. You are being a mug. A lovely one no doubt but a mug nonetheless.

[Greta84]

This could never have happened unless there was already an over-dependent, highly controlled structure in your family before the baby was born. Your mother obviously sees your brother and his interests as paramount, with you being cast in a subordinate role of "helper". This is much easier to enforce - and more difficult for you to resist - if you don't have other significant relationships with the outside world. bettercaul what an amazing observation OP read this post

[JustSpeakSense]

'No' is a complete sentence.

Tell your DB h us taking the piss and DM is reinforcing this shocking behaviour - they should both be ashamed of themselves.

[TiredBum]

You sound like such a lovely person, it's such a shame your family think this is normal behavior and now expect this of you. If your unhappy about this you need to put a stop to it before it goes on for any longer.

[toomuchtooold]

Do you think if it was you with the baby that any of them would lift a finger to help you? No, you'll always be the capable one that "doesn't need" help (and won't be fucking getting any that's for sure). I don't know how you'd manage to have a family as things stand as you can't even go out and socialise on the weekend. Tell them all to GTF.

Then you can have my kids for the weekend. Kidding, I'm kidding. But I'd collect them before church and I'd give you wine and flowers and chocolates and my undying gratitude. 48 hours of childcare for a baby, how much would that cost, about 200 quid?

[toomuchtooold]

Also here's a link to Stately Homes where you'll find lots of other people with controlling dysfunctional family dynamics and a ton of back stories that might be familiar.

[MsJamieFraser]

They do get time toghther, why do they need to have Friday and Saturday off? Once a month for an over night stay is ample and that only if you want to.

[StealthPolarBear]

I agree with the people who said if you still want to do it do it less freqnetly but don't get into a routine, even if it is less frequent, else you won't be able to deviate.
Offer when you fancy it.occasionally they might ask and you might say yes bit yiu might not. As it should be...

[kippersandcurtains]

Brilliant post bettercallsaul1.

They're all right OP - you're being taken advantage of.

[Jannerite]

SpiritedLondon - he was either a week old, or two weeks old, the first time I had him. I can't remember which.

Thank you for the recommendation/link to the Stately Home thread.

The strangest thing happened today. It's either a bizarre coincidence, OR somebody, either my DBro, his girlfriend, or somebody who knows us, has seen this thread.. because the weekend in two weeks time I was supposed to look after my nephew Friday - Sunday, then Sunday night until Monday afternoon watch my nephew and his toddler brother. My DBro and his girlfriend are going away then to celebrate her birthday at her dad's house. My DBro text me today saying that I wasn't needed (no mention of thread so might be coincidence) because his girlfriend's mum is going to look after them all weekend.

I shall take all your advice in and try to find my backbone .. when it is needed.

[Ewock]

Wow you are not unappreciated ypu are being used. I think it is lovely that you enjoy and want to spend time with your dn, but this is at the detriment of your own life. For me I can't imagine having left my ds or dd with anyone, even a family member, at such an early age. And to do this so often, nope. I am on may leave now but when I was working ft, my weekends were my favourite part of the week where I got to spend the time with my ds and have fun with him. Yes I miss time with just my dh but things change when you have children. A weekend once in a while would be lovely but practically every weekend - I'm shocked by thay and not sure what to say. Please put yourself first even it is just once in a while but please take some time for you. Go to church, meet up with friends, do the things that you need x

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I have a family member who slightly knows a woman as she is a friend of a friend of hers. (They have met maybe 8 or 10 times over the last 10 years and are FB friends and occassionally "like" each other's posts.

The woman is ill and is on bed rest for a month. My family member has looked after this woman's children (for free!!!) in her own home 5 days a week for the last 3 weeks. One child is pre school, the other at school (so she has to do the school run).

The woman's husband gets very annoyed at my family member if she brings the kids home late.

Family member has health issues of her own that are worsening with all the full time childcare.

I really wish I could introduce you two. You would be soul mates.

[justilou]

Start charging them an hourly rate - and ask for back pay.

[KittyWindbag]

This is absolutely ridiculous. So your whole family have worked out that it is you, the aunt, who is least entitled to having a life of their own on the weekend? They are treating you like a doormat.

You need to renegotiate their boundaries. When you have kids you don't just get to shunt them off to other people. He's both their biological child, biological kids normally spend their weekends with their parents

How are you supposed live have your own life and meet your own partner if you're stuck at home with someone else's baby all weekend?

ALSO babies grow up. Will. They expect you to shell out on day trips as he gets older?

Nip this in the bud now.

[emmyrose2000]

That poor child. Dumped on someone else every weekend since he was ONE WEEK old?!? (No offense to you OP, as from the sounds of it you may be the only one who actually cares about this baby).

But it has to stop. Bro/SIL/Mum are making a convenience of you and taking you for a ride. Stop being a doormat and tell Bro/SIL to parent their child!

I can't even fathom leaving my week old baby with someone for the weekend simply because I wanted to some time alone, let alone doing it almost every week from then on as well. These so-called parents are disgusting.

[Talith]

They are massively taking the piss. In my role as aunty I have had my nieces and nephews to stay a handful of times... Since they were around age 8 or older. No way would I be taking on someone's newborn every week! Parents don't have a right to two nights off from their baby every week! It's their baby! They need a break then they tag team it between themselves that's how everyone else manages it. I am flabbergasted at the flaming cheek. And as for your mum she can bloody well pitch in if she is so concerned. You have done your bit. Nip this in the bud now. Maybe use them skipping it this week to say you can't do it any more... If you need an excuse say you are worried she will fail to bond if she's spending so much time away from her home.

[redexpat]

Brilliant! It's been taken out of your hands. I wonder who it was that found the thread?

[NapQueen]

If you haven't felt the strength to say no then why haven't you at least said "I need his pram"?

I'm judging you as much as then tbh

[CaliforniaHorcrux]

Looks like this has already become a habit and the longer you let it go on the harder it will be to resolve