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AIBU?

AIBU to think I'm being unappreciated?

78 replies

Jannerite · 07/02/2017 16:32

Before I start, this is going to potentially be outing, anybody who knows me will probably guess it's me, so hey to anybody who might potentially know me

My youngest nephew, my DBro's DS with his new girlfriend, was born about 6 months ago. Every Wed-Thurs I'll get a message from DBro asking if I'm having my nephew this weekend. This has happened for every weekend, bar about maybe 3-4 weekends since he was born, that's probably a generous guess. He comes on the Friday and leaves on the Sunday. Every weekend I am stuck indoors as I never have his pram here.

My DBro and his girlfriend weren't together, or it was really new, around the time my nephew was conceived. Nobody really knows as it was a bit secretive. She has DC from previous relationships, who spend time with their dad at the weekends. I have said to my DM that maybe this weekend I'll say no, but she insists I should do it as my DBro and his girlfriend hardly get any time alone together, and it's good for their relationship to have that time.

I really don't mind having my nephew with me. It can be quite nice (although I'm glad he's been sleeping through the night for a while now ). However, I've never been thanked for looking after him. I'm not expecting a party, or fireworks, or anything fancy, but a simple thank you every now and again would be nice.

AIBU for thinking I'm being unappreciated or am I just being a bitch for wanting a simple "thank you" sometimes? I can't quite work out which it is.

OP posts:

Report

HolesinTheSoles · 09/02/2017 13:52

Are you the dependable sensible one and your brother the baby that your mother feels needs help to look after himself?

It does seem like even if you enjoy spending time with your DN you need to be in control of the situation - not just the default babysitter. You don't need to excuse yourself if you don't fancy doing it all the time and your DB should provide a buggy or pram for his DS when he's with you.

Quartz2208 · 09/02/2017 13:04

Bless you it seems that you are a strange family dynamic where your brothers needs are put ahead of yours and your life. This seems as much about your relationship with your Mum than your brothehr

AfternoonTeaBus · 09/02/2017 12:57

A very similar thing happened to my sister. She would have her DGS from almost week 1 all weekend, this continues to this day, her DGS is almost 11 and her DS and wife split up 10 years ago!

CaliforniaHorcrux · 09/02/2017 12:42

Looks like this has already become a habit and the longer you let it go on the harder it will be to resolve

NapQueen · 09/02/2017 12:35

If you haven't felt the strength to say no then why haven't you at least said "I need his pram"?

I'm judging you as much as then tbh

redexpat · 09/02/2017 12:32

Brilliant! It's been taken out of your hands. I wonder who it was that found the thread?

Talith · 09/02/2017 11:45

They are massively taking the piss. In my role as aunty I have had my nieces and nephews to stay a handful of times... Since they were around age 8 or older. No way would I be taking on someone's newborn every week! Parents don't have a right to two nights off from their baby every week! It's their baby! They need a break then they tag team it between themselves that's how everyone else manages it. I am flabbergasted at the flaming cheek. And as for your mum she can bloody well pitch in if she is so concerned. You have done your bit. Nip this in the bud now. Maybe use them skipping it this week to say you can't do it any more... If you need an excuse say you are worried she will fail to bond if she's spending so much time away from her home.

emmyrose2000 · 09/02/2017 07:12

That poor child. Dumped on someone else every weekend since he was ONE WEEK old?!? (No offense to you OP, as from the sounds of it you may be the only one who actually cares about this baby).

But it has to stop. Bro/SIL/Mum are making a convenience of you and taking you for a ride. Stop being a doormat and tell Bro/SIL to parent their child!

I can't even fathom leaving my week old baby with someone for the weekend simply because I wanted to some time alone, let alone doing it almost every week from then on as well. These so-called parents are disgusting.

KittyWindbag · 09/02/2017 00:44

This is absolutely ridiculous. So your whole family have worked out that it is you, the aunt, who is least entitled to having a life of their own on the weekend? They are treating you like a doormat.

You need to renegotiate their boundaries. When you have kids you don't just get to shunt them off to other people. He's both their biological child, biological kids normally spend their weekends with their parents

How are you supposed live have your own life and meet your own partner if you're stuck at home with someone else's baby all weekend?

ALSO babies grow up. Will. They expect you to shell out on day trips as he gets older?

Nip this in the bud now.

justilou · 09/02/2017 00:27

Start charging them an hourly rate - and ask for back pay.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 08/02/2017 20:29

I have a family member who slightly knows a woman as she is a friend of a friend of hers. (They have met maybe 8 or 10 times over the last 10 years and are FB friends and occassionally "like" each other's posts.

The woman is ill and is on bed rest for a month. My family member has looked after this woman's children (for free!!!) in her own home 5 days a week for the last 3 weeks. One child is pre school, the other at school (so she has to do the school run).

The woman's husband gets very annoyed at my family member if she brings the kids home late.

Family member has health issues of her own that are worsening with all the full time childcare.

I really wish I could introduce you two. You would be soul mates.

Ewock · 08/02/2017 20:26

Wow you are not unappreciated ypu are being used. I think it is lovely that you enjoy and want to spend time with your dn, but this is at the detriment of your own life. For me I can't imagine having left my ds or dd with anyone, even a family member, at such an early age. And to do this so often, nope. I am on may leave now but when I was working ft, my weekends were my favourite part of the week where I got to spend the time with my ds and have fun with him. Yes I miss time with just my dh but things change when you have children. A weekend once in a while would be lovely but practically every weekend - I'm shocked by thay and not sure what to say. Please put yourself first even it is just once in a while but please take some time for you. Go to church, meet up with friends, do the things that you need x

Jannerite · 08/02/2017 20:12

SpiritedLondon - he was either a week old, or two weeks old, the first time I had him. I can't remember which.

Thank you for the recommendation/link to the Stately Home thread.

The strangest thing happened today. It's either a bizarre coincidence, OR somebody, either my DBro, his girlfriend, or somebody who knows us, has seen this thread.. because the weekend in two weeks time I was supposed to look after my nephew Friday - Sunday, then Sunday night until Monday afternoon watch my nephew and his toddler brother. My DBro and his girlfriend are going away then to celebrate her birthday at her dad's house. My DBro text me today saying that I wasn't needed (no mention of thread so might be coincidence) because his girlfriend's mum is going to look after them all weekend.

I shall take all your advice in and try to find my backbone .. when it is needed.

OP posts:

kippersandcurtains · 07/02/2017 19:32

Brilliant post bettercallsaul1.

They're all right OP - you're being taken advantage of.

StealthPolarBear · 07/02/2017 19:12

I agree with the people who said if you still want to do it do it less freqnetly but don't get into a routine, even if it is less frequent, else you won't be able to deviate.
Offer when you fancy it.occasionally they might ask and you might say yes bit yiu might not. As it should be...

MsJamieFraser · 07/02/2017 18:57

They do get time toghther, why do they need to have Friday and Saturday off? Once a month for an over night stay is ample and that only if you want to.

toomuchtooold · 07/02/2017 18:53

Also here's a link to Stately Homes where you'll find lots of other people with controlling dysfunctional family dynamics and a ton of back stories that might be familiar.

toomuchtooold · 07/02/2017 18:51

Do you think if it was you with the baby that any of them would lift a finger to help you? No, you'll always be the capable one that "doesn't need" help (and won't be fucking getting any that's for sure). I don't know how you'd manage to have a family as things stand as you can't even go out and socialise on the weekend. Tell them all to GTF.

Then you can have my kids for the weekend. Kidding, I'm kidding. But I'd collect them before church and I'd give you wine and flowers and chocolates and my undying gratitude. 48 hours of childcare for a baby, how much would that cost, about 200 quid?

TiredBum · 07/02/2017 18:48

You sound like such a lovely person, it's such a shame your family think this is normal behavior and now expect this of you. If your unhappy about this you need to put a stop to it before it goes on for any longer.

JustSpeakSense · 07/02/2017 18:45

'No' is a complete sentence.

Tell your DB h us taking the piss and DM is reinforcing this shocking behaviour - they should both be ashamed of themselves.

Greta84 · 07/02/2017 18:40

This could never have happened unless there was already an over-dependent, highly controlled structure in your family before the baby was born. Your mother obviously sees your brother and his interests as paramount, with you being cast in a subordinate role of "helper". This is much easier to enforce - and more difficult for you to resist - if you don't have other significant relationships with the outside world. bettercaul what an amazing observation OP read this post

icelollycraving · 07/02/2017 18:31

Your op has made me irrationally angry.
It's Tuesday,get in before they ask and say you aren't going to be available on weekends to look after their child so they need to make alternative arrangements. Ffs,take the fall out,it'll be worth it. You are being a mug. A lovely one no doubt but a mug nonetheless.

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MuseumOfCurry · 07/02/2017 18:30

They need to pull their socks up and be real parents instead of trying to farm their children out at every opportunity. A five-week old baby needs to be with his mother. How very sad for your nephew.

MissBeehiving · 07/02/2017 18:28

In the nicest possible way, OP you need you stop being such a doormat.

BatShitTat · 07/02/2017 18:28

You sound like a very good Aunt/sister, but if you're not happy with the arrangement you need to sort something else out that you are happy with. If you really enjoy having your nephew and want to help ypur brother out then there's nothing wrong with having him regularly, but 2-3 nights every week when he is so young seems excessive and unusual!

You need to say what you are happy with and try your best to stick to only that unless there are exceptional circumstances.

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