To want him to be excited? Interested? Give a damn?

[SanitysSake]

I won't lie, my relationship has been pretty bad since finding out I was expecting. The partner took the best part of 4.5 months to finally accept and come round to the fact that this was happening, after originally doing everything to suggest we should terminate. The stress and hurt endured in these first few months was horrendous, but things have evened out a bit.

As my belly is really pronouncing itself now (25 +5) and the baby is incredibly active, I am often found to be squealing with shock/horror/fear and delight at all the new things I'm experiencing. We have been told our baby is going to be tall and was practically impossible to pin down during the scan because of the level of activity.

The only thing that is getting me down, is that my partner will make a single reference to the baby that's coming perhaps just once a day. There will be few to no attempts to touch my belly and when I invite him to either look at my belly or touch it because the baby is particularly active; he's just not bothered and says things like 'Yes, I've felt it before, you know!' - Like it's got old already... Or 'It feels different for you inside than it does for me on the outside.' This is making me feel very very sad.

I know money is a bit of an issue at the moment and he's working very long hours. But he ends up having to do these hours because he's not very good at getting up and at it and planning his days effectively. Not that I could ever tell him this, as Ive been unemployed for some time and now I'm pregnant, can't get a job - because who is going to employ someone who is 6 months pregnant?

The heartbreaking thing for me, is that I want to be excited. After the first horrendous months, I want to embrace what's happening and start to plan and perhaps get a few small bits in preparation. I haven't got a single thing (not that I know what I need). Not even a singular baby-gro or teddy. He has said 'it's too early'.. Like some dealer of doom. That perhaps the baby won't come/survive. That in some ways he's still in denial and the only time he'll be 'fit' for it, is when the baby appears. I know he's very single-minded in the fact that he can only focus on one thing at a time, else he becomes overwhelmed; so his work and how tired he feels is the most important and only thing.

It broke my heart yesterday when I saw you could get 4D scans in a very local clinic and said 'Ooh, look, do you think we should get one of these done to see baby's face?' and he shrugged impassively and said 'What for?'

I have two ruptured discs in my back, De Quervains in both wrists and suspected SPD. I'm trying my best to be upbeat through all this and still have space in my heart and head for a little joy at what is coming.. But with his consistent dismissiveness (for example, when my face fell nearly in tears after he said 'I've felt it before!' he replied with 'Oh come on now, don't go there'.. rubbishing my feelings) - I feel very lonely and alone in all this. There are days when I think I'd be better off doing this on my own. But I don't want to. I do love him. He's making me very sad and robbing me of the joy I want to feel.

Has anyone experienced the same?... Can someone tell me that it might get better when the baby comes along? How do I get him to invest and be interested in the meantime? Perhaps see how it matters that he takes an interest and that once in a weekend, rather than sleeping or slobbing because he's tired or hungover, he might himself suggest we go and buy our first baby bits together - something? Anything?

Any experience and advice gratefully received x

[SheldonCRules]

You want empathy and compassion but seem to offer him none, you knew he didn't want the baby but you put your own wants first and are now berating him for not being father of the year.

He likely feels immense pressure and hasn't run yet so is obviously trying to do the right thing despite it not being what he wants. He's obviously aware if he leaves you will be all alone, that's some burden to carry.

Imagine it the other way round, he tells you he's infertile which turns out not to be the case, not working and leaving you to do long hours and face the prospect of a child you didn't want and financing three.

[SanitysSake]

'you're unemployed and he's working long low paid hours,' First part correct, second, I don't know where you got this inference from... Perhaps the 'money is tight' comment. My unemployment has come about due to my ill-health. When the baby is born, he has repeatedly stated that he'd be more than happy to stay at home as I have greater earning potential.... Which is why all my funds have been depleted. Doesn't mean he doesn't earn a good enough wage by median standards. If he wants to...

Which leads into the 'he just doesnt want this baby because he is obviously still too much of a baby himself. ' Which sadly, I think, is bang on. I gave him the ability to rest on his laurels for quite some time... It has done me no favours.

Far too much responsibility - given that we're both in our 40's it's a bit of a worry...

I could handle all this - if he'd been a man of his word. He's not a man of his word and I'm crushingly disappointed - hoping for a 180 miracle turn around.

Starting to increasingly think I backed the wrong horse...

[SanitysSake]

Owl1011 - never a truer word said. x

[SanitysSake]

'You want empathy and compassion but seem to offer him none, you knew he didn't want the baby but you put your own wants first'...

Hell-to-the-no. I just couldn't abort. Call me weak? Was I ready for this? - Absolutely not. This was in no way my plan at all. So neither of us wanted this child - but you have to suck it up sometimes and get on with it. Embrace it.

Fundamentally, the 'this is happening to you at this moment' - is absolutely correct - it is happening to me. But I expected more when we're both in the trenches - I don't think I'm unreasonable to do so. I offered to leave. For the record, he, too, would be completely on his own if I were to do so, so the loneliness is a two way street.

I guess, fundamentally, I am completely disillusioned with what I thought the man was made of and what he has turned out to be. I know I'm not the first woman to have ever thought that... Sadly...

[AcrossthePond55]

wondering about that very point myself... Why am I here if I feel so bloody lonely. Because without him - I am alone?

All I can tell you Sanity is that I felt far lonelier when I was in a bad relationship that I ever felt when I was alone. 'Alone' (when the relationship was over) was peace. It was calm and 'simply me'. I didn't have to cater to him, didn't have to worry about what he thought or was going to do, didn't have to worry about what tomorrow would bring. I was doing what I wanted, living by my rules, I knew what tomorrow would bring because I knew what my income and expenses were and didn't have to be concerned about someone pulling the rug out from under me.

Is there any chance that you could (or would want to) move closer to family or your friends?

[SanitysSake]

AcrossthePond55 - beautifully put. Thank you. x

I have no family and my besties are very far apart. Wherever I went, I'd be on my own until I made some new friends...

Not something I'm now thinking is realistically impossible now.

Guess I have to get my game face on... x

[Brown76]

I can understand completely your disappointment, you want to share this experience with your DP and he's disinterested. But I think you need to focus on getting your need to 'share and prepare' fulfilled elsewhere until the baby comes along and it's all a reality. My partner is lovely but just not that interested in talking about my pregnancy (and wasn't with DC1). I went to weekly yoga classes which included a chat/discussion about pregnancy, labour, how we were feeling etc. I also talked to friends who had kids and were interested, and parents and kept a diary so I could record all my thoughts and feelings. I had some pregnancy massages and talked to Midwife. I also asked a close friend to be a second birthing partner (although DP did come to the ante natal classes). And getting all the baby stuff ready has been done entirely by me both times. I have asked DP to do specific tasks to help me though which he has willingly done. I hope that you can focus on your preparations for the birth of your baby and start to enjoy this special time.

[Babydontcry]

I really relate to this OP, sounds very much like my now ex .I hate to say it after my DS was born we spent months disagreeing because of his attitude I finally left before Christmas he has seen his son twice since then and only at my suggestion. I can't tell you what to do but suspect any energy you use on him is a waste

[AcrossthePond55]

Your welcome, my dear.

If it's not feasible now, I guess game face is the way to go. But as much as possible, develop that little inner core of 'self'. That core that keeps your heart just a bit separate from him and what he does.

Also, if possible, try to start a 'fuck you fund'. That's money you start stashing away (cash or a hidden bank account) in case things do go tits up and you want or need out. Even though I was completely self supporting and could afford to run our household on my income, I had one for moving expenses just in case I had to be the one to leave. As it turned out I kicked him out so that bit of money was used to buy all new furniture for my living room. And to pay for a divorce!

And listen, maybe he'll fall in love with the baby and be a good father. BUT please, even if that happens, do look at the totality of your marriage. Not just 'he's a good father', but whether or not he's a good husband. Because a man can't be a good father unless he's a good husband, too. I don't remember who it was but someone had these wise words; "The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother".

[AcrossthePond55]

O HELL! You're not 'your'. I HATE when I do that!