To want him to be excited? Interested? Give a damn?

[SanitysSake]

I won't lie, my relationship has been pretty bad since finding out I was expecting. The partner took the best part of 4.5 months to finally accept and come round to the fact that this was happening, after originally doing everything to suggest we should terminate. The stress and hurt endured in these first few months was horrendous, but things have evened out a bit.

As my belly is really pronouncing itself now (25 +5) and the baby is incredibly active, I am often found to be squealing with shock/horror/fear and delight at all the new things I'm experiencing. We have been told our baby is going to be tall and was practically impossible to pin down during the scan because of the level of activity.

The only thing that is getting me down, is that my partner will make a single reference to the baby that's coming perhaps just once a day. There will be few to no attempts to touch my belly and when I invite him to either look at my belly or touch it because the baby is particularly active; he's just not bothered and says things like 'Yes, I've felt it before, you know!' - Like it's got old already... Or 'It feels different for you inside than it does for me on the outside.' This is making me feel very very sad.

I know money is a bit of an issue at the moment and he's working very long hours. But he ends up having to do these hours because he's not very good at getting up and at it and planning his days effectively. Not that I could ever tell him this, as Ive been unemployed for some time and now I'm pregnant, can't get a job - because who is going to employ someone who is 6 months pregnant?

The heartbreaking thing for me, is that I want to be excited. After the first horrendous months, I want to embrace what's happening and start to plan and perhaps get a few small bits in preparation. I haven't got a single thing (not that I know what I need). Not even a singular baby-gro or teddy. He has said 'it's too early'.. Like some dealer of doom. That perhaps the baby won't come/survive. That in some ways he's still in denial and the only time he'll be 'fit' for it, is when the baby appears. I know he's very single-minded in the fact that he can only focus on one thing at a time, else he becomes overwhelmed; so his work and how tired he feels is the most important and only thing.

It broke my heart yesterday when I saw you could get 4D scans in a very local clinic and said 'Ooh, look, do you think we should get one of these done to see baby's face?' and he shrugged impassively and said 'What for?'

I have two ruptured discs in my back, De Quervains in both wrists and suspected SPD. I'm trying my best to be upbeat through all this and still have space in my heart and head for a little joy at what is coming.. But with his consistent dismissiveness (for example, when my face fell nearly in tears after he said 'I've felt it before!' he replied with 'Oh come on now, don't go there'.. rubbishing my feelings) - I feel very lonely and alone in all this. There are days when I think I'd be better off doing this on my own. But I don't want to. I do love him. He's making me very sad and robbing me of the joy I want to feel.

Has anyone experienced the same?... Can someone tell me that it might get better when the baby comes along? How do I get him to invest and be interested in the meantime? Perhaps see how it matters that he takes an interest and that once in a weekend, rather than sleeping or slobbing because he's tired or hungover, he might himself suggest we go and buy our first baby bits together - something? Anything?

Any experience and advice gratefully received x

[toptoe]

You feel vulnerable in pregnancy like never before, ime. You want him almost instinctively to recognise the baby and your additional health needs and say 'I want to look after you both'. Trouble is, some people are rubbish at this. And the more you ask, the less they feel able to do it. It's a catch 22 almost.

All I can say is I've known men who do turn around once there is a baby they can hold in their arms because they need to physically feel it to have attachment to it.

Regarding your chronic pain don't get into the situation where you are doing things that make it worse.Tell him what you need him to do eg. hoover the stairs, do the heavy lifting etc. Order shopping to be delivered rather than getting hurt lifting it all in.

Both of these things are difficullt to deal with. The issue with pregnancy will improve once baby is born in all likelihood and it will become a distant memory, hopefully. But that doesn't help you now. Maybe at the antenatal sessions you can try and catch up with the other mums outsid of the sessions to get some regular support.

[SanitysSake]

Cuppaqueen - thank you. Another one that made me cry! x

I do need to tell him how I feel- clearly in a way that he can't 'shut down' or dismissed. So maybe a letter is the way to go..

As for struggling - I have been struggling for quite some time. I have been having counselling and reaching out to some groups in the area was suggested. Need to build up some confidence for that...

My best friends are good eggs and I haven't wanted to burden them. I can't help but feel they've probably had enough of my misery as it stands.

I think, in all honesty, I'm properly depressed and despite having counselling, it's not done what its supposed to have. Maybe reaching out to some of these groups might be the way to go...

As it stands, the one person I really need to be there - just isn't. That is the biggest problem. I guess in and amongst all this misery, having a baby has become a little ray of light for me. More than it has for him. That's the heartbreak of it. x

[SanitysSake]

'LTB'?

[BenadrylCucumberpatch]

The thing is, if a woman slept with her 'infertile' Partner and ended up becoming pregnant, nobody would be telling her she should have been on the Pill too, that 'he didn't get her pregnant on his own' or judging her for not being excited enough about the baby she didn't want to have.
I understand these things happen, but under the circumstances I think he's doing a lot better than he's been given credit for.

[Robstersgirl]

I disagree with the 'he didn't want the baby comments' he stuck his unprotected penis in his wife, of course pregnancy was a risk. For the mean time I'd relax and let him do his own thing. It could be he's petrified inside but too manly too admit it, maybe he doesn't want to hurt the baby by constantly touching your belly. I bet he'll be a fab dad once little one arrives. Also stop the squealing. It's a bit weird.

[SanitysSake]

TopToe... 'You want him almost instinctively to recognise the baby and your additional health needs and say 'I want to look after you both'. Trouble is, some people are rubbish at this.' - Yes! This!

He knows I've had a terrible time. He knows I don't have any family. He knows my friends are far away. I minimise his exposure to it because I know to have someone whinging about it is tedious. But his behaviour in the past has been atrocious - I am on the verge of collapsing into a hormonal puddle of tears saying 'I can't do this!!' I need him to step up. I want him to SHOW he cares. Maybe I'm relying on him emotionally too much? So in that respect and for all the barbed commentators out there - maybe I am too much like 'hard work'...

As it stands, I'm doing everything I have ever done (except anything that includes excess bending or lifting - because I physically can't/shouldn't unless I want to end up in a wheelchair) and I almost feel guilty for having to ask him to get the shopping out of the boot of the car of an evening because I just can't lift them. He is very tired... and although he says 'not a problem' there is always a bit of a sigh about it.

All in all, it's a pretty miserable time...

[SanitysSake]

Jesus H.. have I ever regretted using a particular word for it to be taken completely out of context - i.e. the word 'Squealing'...

[Bluntness100]

I do understand your concern op, but I'm trying to remember back to when I was pregnant, and well, I was just pregnant, there was no shock, horror or excitement about what was happening to my body on a daily basis, I never shouted yowzers at any point, I would occasionally comment on her kicking, but past that I just got on with it, and we behaved as normal to each other. We discussed what we needed for the baby etc, he came to appointments with me, but I didn't have the reactions to my body as you are having so we engaged with one another totally normally.

I think if I had been getting excited or whatever on a daily basis about my body eventually my husband would have been a bit "calm down" about it. I dunno, I think you're so worried about his desire for the baby that maybe you're overplaying the daily excitement of pregnancy and it's possibly doing his head in? Talk about the future, what you both need to do, how you will handle the baby together, that sort of thing.

[BertieBotts]

I think what you're going to have to do is resign yourself to doing this alone. That doesn't mean (necessarily) break up. But if you're constantly expecting support from him - whether that's physical or emotional ie just some shared enthusiasm - it's so much more crushing to not receive it than it is if you just don't expect it in the first place.

I would dial the relationship back. Do what you need for you to have the support you need. If that means moving towns then yes, absolutely do this. It sounds like your relationship is early days anyway? Don't make the mistake of advancing things prematurely because of the baby. Babies are a massive strain on a relationship anyway, if your relationship is effectively held together by tape, it likely won't survive. If you're keeping some distance, staying together if that's what you want but seeing the relationship as a separate thing to the baby and allowing that to develop at the pace that a relationship would, without the baby present, you'll have more chance of seeing it for what it is and give it the best chance of working. It's really unlikely to work if you try to force it. But if you see how things go, it gives you both the space you need to sort it out.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I have chronic pain. I get online deliveries. I get the guys to put the boxes on the counter top and I unpack them from there. This would be helpful for you to do, wouldn't it? I do what I can to offload the burden from dh.

[BertieBotts]

You are absolutely not expecting too much. I just don't know if he's willing to give it at this point.

[SanitysSake]

I think in some respects, I am having to resign myself to doing this by myself. To take the joy where i can and not expect it to be shared with the man I love. It's not what I wanted.

Our relationship isn't that new - a few years - but stepping away from it and separating it from the baby is not something I am capable of. I created a life with this man - that makes it intrinsically linked. I want it to be, too.

As for expecting support? It's not constant, but I would like certainly more than I'm getting. Maybe that is too much... But again, I asked him if he wanted me to leave (and I was being very serious) and he said no...

To be honest, I don't know either way what the best way to proceed.

A letter in the first instance might be the way to go.. I would have had a conversation with him today, but he's spent the whole day in bed. Man flu...

[Ellapaella]

I think you should see how he is when the baby arrives. My husband wasn't particularly 'excited' throughout both of my pregnancies - thrilled we were expecting but not jumping for joy every time the baby kicked or excited over baby shopping but is a fantastic father who absolutely adores our children and shared nightfeeds, nappies and everything else right from day one. Once the babies arrived he was absolutely smitten. He did the 'practical' baby shopping - he enjoyed researching the most practical prams, cots etc but had little enthusiasm for buying baby grows or clothes. It might just be hard for him to imagine the 'bump' as a real life person right now and those feelings may not come until after the birth. Have you spoken to him about how it makes you feel?

[OverTheGardenGate]

Or maybe, as some of you have been kind enough to share, that sometimes, just sometimes, a few men who are disengaged come round and some, do not

My DH declared that he was pleased when I became pregnant. (I was 28)We were not married and it was unplanned but he was unfazed and quite happy about it. However, he seemed quite unable to show much interest in the progression of the pregnancy, didn't come with me to any of the scans or classes and didn't want to engage in any cosy talks about when our new baby arrived. I had no family and no friends with children so not much input from there. I felt pretty much on my own with it too.
I'm aware that makes him sound like a horrible man, but he's really not
(although I did think so at the time). But once the baby was born he was immediately a hands on Dad, thrilled with the little scrap and helped out with everything - night feeds, nappies, taking over when I needed sleep, the lot. Looking back over the years, and now knowing him so much better I can see it was because he couldn't 'do' anything practical. That he couldn't engage, until there was an actual baby, in the room, for him to engage with.
It wasn't ideal and I wished he'd shown a bit more excitement during my pregnancies, but you can't make people feel things that they can't feel yet. My money says he'll be fine.

[SanitysSake]

I have broached it when we were having major ding-dongs.. but he's not getting it now...

As for doing 'practical' things - sadly, he doesn't. I do everything outside of his job and even then, I do his accounts.

Hence why there's a lot of credence in my accepting I'll be doing this on my own.. in or out of the relationship. It's not what I wanted - obviously.

[Libitina]

If you are unable to lift a bag of shopping due to health reasons, I imagine he's also worried about how you'll both cope when the baby arrives. Not even taking into consideration his full time job.

[SanitysSake]

He's not the only one who's worried about that... far more than he is!

[SecretWitch]

I became pregnant with my third child after dh(then bf) and I had only been together for three months. He was not thrilled, asked me to terminate, I declined. I was very clear that I planned to have the baby with or without his support.

Those nine months were some of the most difficult I ever experienced. Dh did put considerable efforts toward the pregnancy. He bought a house for us to live in and changed jobs to work more suitable hours. He also attended every appointment I went to. He just seemed not to be there emotionally for me. He also did not seem interested in my bump or movements. It hurt me very much and honestly ten years later sometimes still does.

Once our dd was born he did become a doting father. He and dd are very close. We have been married for almost nine years now. He is an excellent father and good husband. These things can work out.

I think you need to be willing to accept that you might have to do this on your own. You sound thrilled to be pregnant and very much looking forward to being a mum. I knew in my heart that I would choose being pregnant and having dd by myself over terminating and continuing a relationship with dh. You make the choices you can best live with and get on with it.

Good luck, Op. I wish you a happy and healthy life with your new baby

[unflinchingasaphotograph]

Sanity, I do understand it is irritating when everyone hones in on a particular word. However, your original post that states you are often to be found squealing with shock, horror fear and delight doesn't really tally with later posts stating it's a once a day 'crikey!' I understand your position is more nuanced than the original post but it does sound as if there may be several exclamations a day. It can get wearing asking 'what is it?'

I have a chronic condition that gives me spasms. Often, the spasms make me gasp or cry out as they really are painful, but I HAVE to muffle them to avoid everyone saying in alarm 'what is it?'

I don't think your partner is excited, but I don't think that matters. I think you have to be honest here as it sounds to me as if he is really worried about how things will pan out.

[SanitysSake]

'I knew in my heart that I would choose being pregnant and having dd by myself over terminating and continuing a relationship with dh. You make the choices you can best live with and get on with it. '

This is exactly it, SecretWitch.

Going to try my absolute best - with or without his engagement. Just hope that he doesn't leave it too late, else the damage will be permanent and I won't be able to forgive him. Good father in the end or not x

[evensmilingmakesmyfacehurt]

OH hated every minute of my pregnancy but then again I was a hormonal rage monster.

I've been at work when women give me a running commentary of baby moving etc and it does get boring even for those of us who have had babies and understand the excitement.

Since having DS, my OH has become a super hands on, attentive, loving Dad. He felt a bit disengaged throughout the pregnancy and sometimes came across uncaring because he didn't understand what was happening inside me.

OP, I hope your partner becomes more positive when baby arrives.

[SanitysSake]

unflinchingasaphotograph - I see what you're saying and maybe I should have rephrased it. But honestly, as he's at work all day, he's not there to witness most of them and when he's around for three hours in the evening, if there was an exclamation of any sort, he wouldn't raise an eyebrow anyhow.

[PitilessYank]

This thread is really making me think; my husband and I have four children, and he never came to a single prenatal appointment with me, rarely caressed my belly, never talked to our babies in utero, and it never bothered me one bit.

He has been a terrific father, 100% hands-on, etc.

[SanitysSake]

I'm glad you were okay with that, Pitiless and I'm glad he's been an amazing Dad.

Sadly and given the circumstances, I feel I need/desire a little bit more than I'm getting.