AIBU to ask if anyone dreaded becoming a Mum?

[SWtoSEGirl]

I feel terrible posting this - and feel I can't really discuss this honestly with anyone in RL. I'm 31 & my DH is really keen to start a family, to the point of impatience - last year I told him we'd try in a year's time - and here I am.

Children have always been a part of my life plan - but now I am on the verge of TTC, I am filled with dread & fear. I fear losing my independence, losing my identity, & our financial security. I fear we'll never enjoy free time or a holiday again. I know this makes ne a terrible person - but I also can't imagine loving my baby - although I really love my nephews & nieces. I guess I'm terrified of making a lifelong commitment to someone I dont know (ridiculous though it sounds). I often look to the future & just cant picture myself with a 10 yr old or teenager!

I've worked hard and sacrificed a lot to get where I am & am scared of losing it & of change. I think a lot stems from my DM - she has always wanted me to focus on my career & has never extolled the virtues of having children.

I know I am being selfish, but has anyone else felt this way? Or have advice on how to prepare mentally for a child?

[MargaretCavendish]

I sympathise so much with this OP. I really agonised before TTC about this, and particularly about my fear that having a baby will ruin my lovely equal marriage and that I'll get stuck with it all (I started a thread about this!). Sixish months on, we're trying and not yet successful - obviously early days yet, but I'm finding it hard. As time goes on I have more and more time to second guess myself and my decision. You start thinking that there's something wrong with you for not being sure (I even think in the middle of the night that it's why my body won't get pregnant - again, I know this is ridiculous, especially such a short time in!). Every month I'm disappointed, but I also cheer myself up by thinking about the good things about not being pregnant - so it leaves me more and more conflicted. I find myself so jealous of people who have 'happy accident' pregnancies because I wish the decision was made for me. I'm on my way to the airport to go on a work trip abroad, and I'm both upset/worried that I might ovulate while I'm away and it'll be another month gone, and at the same time I keep thinking that I won't be able to go on trips like this so easily or carelessly with children and that makes me feel sad too! I've spoken to my husband about it, and he's lovely about it but I don't think he quite 'gets it'. Sorry that this is so little help to you, but wanted to say that you're not alone!

[MargaretCavendish]

I also think that people who are already parents are quite unhelpful on this: they tell you that you have to be sure, but then also tell you (endlessly, smugly and at great length) that 'nothing prepares you for parenthood' and that 'you can never imagine how much your life will change'. How can be absolutely certain that I want something that I can't even imagine?!

[Fouristhebestnumber]

Me me!!

Oh my Lord honestly I dreaded it. Even when I finally became pregnant (relented after much nagging from then dh...) I loathed it. Hated being pregnant. Didn't want to look at clothes or discuss names. I cried probably at least 3 times a week because I was so upset about the idea of having a child. I had no interest in my own pregnancy.

Do I ever regret it now! My pregnancy is time I'll never get back, and being so disassociated from it is a big regret of mine.

My ds is 6 now and I love him so much I could burst. I adore him. Having him changed my life, but for the better, I'd not regret him for a moment, he gave me meaning and direction and he's just great.

That said, he remains my only one because I'm scared I'd react the same way to being pregnant again.

31 is no age to be worrying, so maybe leave it a while if you aren't sure.. but I am living proof that you can dread it but look back and wonder why on earth you did.

[Susiethetortoiseshellcat]

I haven't read all of the thread but I definitely felt like that when we started ttc. I really think it's very normal. I was quite reluctant and just felt the enormity of what we were doing and how it would change our lives.

1 year later and still not pregnant I felt very different and was desperate to conceive! Fortunately we now have a little boy who I love more than anything and couldn't imagine life without.

[VaginaDentata]

I also think that people who are already parents are quite unhelpful on this: they tell you that you have to be sure, but then also tell you (endlessly, smugly and at great length) that 'nothing prepares you for parenthood' and that 'you can never imagine how much your life will change'. How can be absolutely certain that I want something that I can't even imagine?!

Exactly, MargaretCavendish - and I say that as someone who is now a parent but who had never planned to have a child and then progressed by being very ambivalent aged 38. The reason people agonise so much over having a child is entirely understandable - because it's one of the very few ordinary-but-major life decisions you can't experience without doing it yourself, after which it's too late to retreat from the consequences, which are life-changing.

As time goes on I have more and more time to second guess myself and my decision. You start thinking that there's something wrong with you for not being sure (I even think in the middle of the night that it's why my body won't get pregnant - again, I know this is ridiculous, especially such a short time in!).

If it's any reassurance, I could not have been more ambivalent, and was vaguely thinking (I was 39 at this point) 'Oh, it probably won't happen in which case the decision will be made for me, or it will take years to conceive, in which case I don't need to worry now' - but my body wasn't ambivalent at all, and I conceived the first month, to my complete horror. To the point when I went to see my GP, she took one look at my face an said 'Are congratulations in order or not?' whereupon I burst into tears.

I continually see 'if you're ambivalent, don't do it' stuff on threads on here where an OP is agonising about whether or not to ttc, but I think that's nonsense. Why wouldn'tyou be ambivalent, when you are buying a pig in a poke?

OP, I won't lie, I found maternity leave appallingly hard, but in my case it was compounded by an enforced house move and circumstances meaning I needed to leave my job. (DS is now four, and hilarious and surprising and clever, and good company, and I love him with a terrible, fierce, bonecrushing love) But it is certainly perfectly possible to combine motherhood with an independent professional existence, financial security, and your own identity intact. I am doing it now.

It sounds to me as if you should sit down and do something I recommend to anyone considering having a baby - talk in very concrete terms to your partner about how life will be once you've had your child, and how you can safeguard your work life. How much does childcare cost locally? Can you afford it? What happens if the baby is ill and can't go to nursery/childminder - what are the possibilities for taking personal days/unpaid leave at both workplaces? What about work trips? Would your DP consider being a SAHP/going part-time, and can you afford that? etc etc. How will you arrange things so you both get time to yourselves?

Having said that, you have time to think this over for a while yet.

[TheSparrowhawk]

I always always wanted children and was incredibly broody before having my first, but I still wobbled and worried. I think being worried is totally normal if you have any inkling of what having a child entails - if you're totally blase about it, chances are you haven't a clue and you're going to get a massive shock.

If your DH is so keen how about you make a deal with him that you'll do the pregnancy thing (obviously) but he'll then be the primary carer once you've recovered from the birth? Would he be keen on that? If the answer is no, then tell him to get stuffed.

[auberginefrog]

I agreed to try for a baby because my other half was desperate for a baby but was thinking it would take ages to conceive... it happened on month two! I was terrified and dodgy enjoy being pregnant or get excited about impending baby at all but was really upset when I thought I was having a miscarriage.

The first 6 months of her life were pretty horrendous too - I felt like I'd lost who I was and hated all the mum and baby type stuff. She was (and is) really hard work but she's two now and absolutely brilliant and you can totally see the fruits of your labours with a child - all their mannerisms and phrases and what they like to do comes from you when they're little and that's actually surprisingly satisfying. I'm currently pregnant with number 2 at 31 and i still hate being pregnant and expect the first 6 months to be hell again but expect it to all work out fine again...

I think it's like moving house or a career change or a marriage - you never really know what it's like until you try and see but you have more influence on how it goes than you think. Supportive local family and friends and a good nursery help massively. It's not possible to do everything you did before but I can still do a professional job plus exams plus gym plus language class,gym,going to rugby and seeing friends but just not as often as I might otherwise have done and long lies are now 7am. Everything changes quickly and if you hate the baby stage they're toddlers before you know it and soon they'll be fully functioning adults and you get your life back anyway...

[darceybussell]

Hi OP, I felt and feel exactly the same. I found this blog a while ago which I found really interesting, and the comments are also really interesting reading. It covers people who decided both ways.

cupofjo.com/2015/05/how-did-you-know-you-were-ready-to-have-a-baby/

The part that I found useful was the woman who talked about one child being a compromise, letting you experience parenthood in a less intense way. If you like it then you can have more. If you don't then leave it at one.

It's probably quite a callous way of thinking about it but I found it very helpful.

[Millionprammiles]

There are so many different ways of 'doing' parenthood that its almost impossible to compare one to the other.

A mother who ends up a SAHM with a partner who works long hours and has no family on hand to help and little funds for help may feel very differently to a mother who still has the time and means to see her friends, spend time with her partner, continue her career, exercise regularly or continue hobbies, safe in knowing her child is either with the dad, GPs or quality, flexible childcare.

Take an honest look at your partner, financial status, career and family to see where you'd be on that spectrum and whether you'd be comfortable with that.

None can ever know if parenthood is right for them but everyone can be practical about the decision.

[positivity123]

It is totally normal to feel like this. I agreed with my DH we would start trying when I was 30. I wasn't ready straight away for EXACTLY the reasons you've said so we went on a massive blow out holiday. It was great but it made me realise I'd rather have kids than a life of freedom to travel but I still wasn't totally sure. However we started trying and I got pregnant straight away. I was really happy but very blasé about it. I was annoyed it meant I couldn't drink at my brothers wedding and that we couldn't have another holiday. Found out at 12 weeks I'd had a miscarriage and I was devestated- much more upset than I ever thought I'd be. It took 7 months to get pregnant again and I was definitely ready and now I love it as she is 3 months old.

I think if your DH is keen to try you need to get him to take responsibility for a few aspects of it as I think men don't realise how much the woman has to sacrifice. Make him agree to do shared parental leave for at least 2 months. Get him to pull together a budget etc so you know how much you need to save and get him to research nurseries.

I would also say that having a baby is absolutely brilliant. I'm enjoying it loads more than I thought I would. People warned me about sleepless nights etc and breastfeeding was harder than I imagined but no one really told me how much fun babies are. Maternity leave is great fun if you can make friends in your area.

[minipie]

OP, your fears are very sensible and completely legitimate. I had them too. And they have all proven true.

The thing which made me have a baby despite those fears was my own hormonal desire to have a baby, which kicked in at about your age. Heart over head you might say.

My DC are now 4 and 2 and my life is so much harder than it was pre DC. (DD1 is very very hard work, some diagnosed SN, possibly some undiagnosed too. Don't discount the risk of having a very difficult child).

The thing that saves me from regret is knowing how badly I wanted a child - because of that desire, I know I wouldn't have been happy if we hadn't had them, even though my life would have been 100x easier.

It doesn't sound like you have that hormonal desire (yet). Given that, I'd be very wary of going ahead now. You have time. Wait a year or 3 and see if the desire kicks in. It may well do - and you will be much better equipped to get through pregnancy and early childhood if you have that desire. If it doesn't kick in by say 35 then you have some hard choices. But you haven't got there yet.

Don't let your DH pressure you - you will be the one whose life is most affected (at least up to age 1 or so). It has to be your decision.

[SWtoSEGirl]

I really appreciate your answers - thank you! It is also very comforting to find other people feel/ have felt this way.

I think I probably focus on the negatives of having a baby - people certainly don't shy away from telling you what these are! But because I can't imagine loving someone I don't know yet, I'm not considering many of the positive, wonderful elements of having children.

Having said that - I do think I need to wait a while, boost my savings, have a good holiday and a proper discussion with my DH about the repercussions - he can be dismissive and says I am overly negative, which is not entirely untrue - but I do need him to recognise and understand my fears.

[FFTransform]

Having seen from the outside very well balanced couples fall into 1950s roles after children I agree with a Pp about sitting down with your Dp and talking specifics I.e. Shared parental leave, jobs, working from home, childcare for both of you

I moved to Scandinavia before having children and the whole set up from enforced paternity leave onwards makes it easier for the mother to retain her professional identity- or at least both parents compromise

[Anatidae]

I was always ambivalent about having kids. At 31 I was with my ex and I'm glad I didn't have kids with him! Because if you're honest, all your fears are founded in reality. Yes you do become exhausted, yes you do (or it is very easy to) lose yourself a bit. Which is why it's so important to go in eyes open and have a partner who mucks in and does their fair share. I too live in Scandinavia and the system here is good. I have taken well to motherhood but I'll not deny it's hard.
Babies also vary hugely. Ds is just starting kindergarten and there are placid angelic little moppets there who have been happy to be left since day one, eat brilliantly and sleep soundly. My ds does none of those things, and while he is amazing, the last year and a half has been hard. No sleep, many tears, and really really tough.
There's also the physical demands of pregnancy- some women sail through happily and some, like me, vomit a dozen times a day for nine months. Your partner being dismissive of your fears is not a good thing. It's you who physically carries and births the baby. You who will have a period out of the workplace. You who breastfeeds (if you want to of course.) all these things have an impact. The degree of that impact depends on many factors. Some are out of your control (the personality and health of the baby) but some are dictated by you and your partner (how equally you parent.)

It's difficult because on one hand there is rarely a 'good' time to have a baby. But on the other, you should never, ever be pressured. Do you want children? Because it's ok to not want them. And it's ok to wait a bit. What you need is to sit down with your Dh and have a serious talk about your feelings and expectations re: parenting. If he remains dismissive then consider whether that's an attitude you actually want to breed with.

[mya83]

Op I just had to comment on your thread because reading your post- it's like you're reading my mind and articulating perfectly the way I feel too.

I'm a little older than you, just turned 34 and I am feeling the pressure of age, not helped when people ask if we are going to have kids and nicely reminding me that the clock is ticking. Yes I know my fertility will decline soon, i know everyone else has kids but me. But like you I can't imagine it. I like the idea of a year off work, I like the idea of a 5 year old and how much more exciting Xmas would be with a 5 year old. But a baby? Or a teenager? And then an adult son or daughter? Someone I'm responsible for and committed to forever? I just can't see it or feel it and I feel so conflicted and panicked about this because I don't have a lot of time to decide.

My partner will make a brilliant dad, and he does want kids though not necessarily right now.

I don't want to lose the financial security we have built up slowly over time. I don't see how we would manage on one wage and I'd be so fed up about having to work just for most of my wage to pay for childcare.

Thanks for being brave enough to post op, I think you've probably asked the question quite a few of us are afraid to ask x

[Agerbilatemycardigan]

The person whose life will be most affected should have the final say.

[Givemestrengthorwine]

Suggest he becomes a full time father and house husband, allowing you to return to work fulltime so you can keep your independance in that way, or he could work part time and do all nursery dropoffs and pick ups. Quite a role reversal, but if he so desperatly wants the kids he should be prepared to make the sacrifices!
Being a mother isnt everyones cup of tea, i loved it when they were little and more so now that they are older (20, 18 + 10) and it gives us our freedom back abit!
Dont feel guilty for standing up for yourself in what you want out of life, although marraige and family life has to be about compromise! Xx

[jessplussomeonenew]

I think it would really help to make some clear plans about how you would manage childcare, finances, general childcare, free time etc when the baby arrives, talking to experienced parents and really making sure that you've planned so that the impact on your lives is as equally shared as possible. Hopefully that will both help you manage your fears and help your partner get his head around how much both your lives will change. I'd suggest that you frame the conversation by saying that you do want kids, you know he does, so now you need to agree a plan to share parenting fairly, ensure you are financially secure and can have at least a bit of independence and fun time. It's worth thinking about your support network - if you have family near by who can do babysitting etc that makes a huge difference in terms of how easy it is to have a night out. You might also want to think about a "last fling" holiday together - though holidays with kids clubs are amazing things!

[IrenetheQuaint]

Does your DH have experience of looking after babies and small children? If not I suggest he gets some or at minimum reads some of the MN threads about small child hell. Lots of men are keen on the idea of fatherhood when they have no idea what is actually involved, just a vague fantasy of running round the park with a happy toddler.

[SantasBigHelper]

OP I felt like this. Although I always thought 'maybe one day' the time was never right. I really didn't enjoy the company of other people's babies, I didn't look at children and think CUTE WANT ONE. Rather I was mildly revulsed by the whole concept.

My partner (now husband) on the other hand was desperate for kids. I could see how good he would be at it, and so let myself be persuaded into doing it. I wanted him, and he wanted kids.

Got pregnant within a month and spent 9 months grumpy, scared and ambivalent about what was coming.

Baby is here now. 4 months old. I'm very happy and relieved to say I'm loving it. No Hollywood style all encompassing rush of joy and love when handed the baby after a crazy long labour and emergency section,, just a nice glow that this is fun, I love my baby and that this was the right thing to do.

[BertieBotts]

I also think that people who are already parents...tell you (endlessly, smugly and at great length) that 'nothing prepares you for parenthood' and that 'you can never imagine how much your life will change'. How can be absolutely certain that I want something that I can't even imagine?!

But it's true. You can't prepare. You don't know. In fact some of the parents who find it the hardest are the ones who felt they were the most ready! I do wonder in some ways if people who go into it with ambivalent feelings or a serious sense of apprehension actually end up tending to enjoy it more because they were expecting it to be hard and found it hard to anticipate the nice parts aside from a vague feeling, so the hard parts mostly meet their expectations with a few spikes where they're worse and a few lulls where it's easier, and the nice parts blow them away because they're so much better than they expected.

Yet someone who yearns for and has always wanted children gets a bit of a raw deal because while they tell themselves they know it's going to be hard, they are often romanticising it, assuming they'll ace it and basing everything on the wonderful time they are sure they will have and I think the reality is somewhat different.

Being ready I think is a misnomer because you can't be prepared but there are things which can help:

Having a genuinely stable, supportive relationship with a good partner OR having good support around you if you're going it alone. Don't do it if you have a relationship which is in any way in question. Just DON'T. It's not worth it. Get a sperm donor and do it alone if you have to, but don't rely on someone who's unreliable.

Having a bit of financial security - you don't need to be loaded but babies throttle your earning capacity and they cost you money so it's useful if you're prepared for that, just makes the whole experience less stressful I imagine.

Being aware that it's going to be a challenge and I don't mean nappies and sleepless nights, I mean that it's basically a constant puzzle that you have to keep figuring out and it keeps changing all the time and it never really ends. I actually like that about it but if you think that parenting is something you just have to figure out and you can get it right and then sit back and relax, no.

Being aware that a lot of it is boring. Children aren't as constantly entertaining when you have them all the time. Practically, you're adding a lot of mundane shit to your life because they don't do their own housework, cooking, or even personal hygiene for a long time.

Accepting that you're not going to be good at it. I don't mean that you're going to be an awful parent, it's just that so many things in life it's easy to excel at and parenting it isn't. Partly because it changes all the time so as soon as you get good at something the requirements have changed, partly because there is no definitive answer to how to be a good parent, partly because it's just not the kind of thing you can "get an A+ in". It's a relationship, not a performance.

And then yes having reasonable expectations in terms of free time, career development, relationship time, travel opportunities etc. None of this is dead forever but being okay with having it all curtailed is important.

I think if you're okay with all of the above then you're probably as ready as you can be.

I also agree with a PP who pointed out that having one child is very different to having children. It's a different lifestyle and much easier to retain some of the adult orientated stuff.

[BertieBotts]

Totally separate from my last post, it's definitely also true that parenthood affects mothers and fathers differently, this is true even when you have the most involved hands-on dad.

Ask him, seriously, if he would consider taking paternity leave. Not for two weeks but for nine months. If he would consider being a stay at home Dad. If he would adjust his work hours around available childcare. If he would be the one to take the day off work when the baby/child needs to go to the doctor or just stay off school or nursery because they are ill. And this care - is he going to sit and comb nit shampoo through a child's hair?

Ask him if he is planning to supervise playdates, organise birthday parties, accompany your child to a friend's birthday (and possibly help out), organise a present for the child's friend's birthday. Would he go along on school trips, help out at school events, watch school plays?

There are not many dads who do this stuff all or most of the time. There are a few who do it some of the time or more. But most parents have the mum doing all or most of these things. I feel like it's at least worth talking about before you actually get pregnant, even if you don't think it's the way you'd want to do things. It's worth having the option on the table. So many men are excited to be fathers but they don't for a second think about it affecting their career, whereas women take that for granted. I think it's important to frame the discussion right from the start.

[VaginaDentata]

Good advice, Bertie, and I say this as someone whose DH does all those things you mention (apart from nine months paternity leave, as he was made redundant within a fortnight of a DS's birth...) But that was a conversation we had before conceiving, and I would certainly not have had a child with someone who didn't think these things were his job as a parent. Everyone should.

I'm not sure I agree on the 'one child is a compromise' thing though. For one thing, you are still a parent, and that to me is the fundamental change, rather than the number of children. You can't 'slightly' be a parent. Also, if you're a parent of one, you can't know what it's like to have multiple children, so you can't really envisage the extent of the compromise. I have one child, by choice, and while obviously I can see its logistically far easier and less expensive in terms of childcare etc, I simply can't know what life would be like with two or more...

I do actually know someone who had one child as a 'compromise' her husband had wanted children through ten years of marriage, and she didn't and looking at it from the outside, it's not been a good 'compromise' for her. Adorable but demanding child with significant additional needs.

[minipie]

Excellent posts Bertie

[Deadsouls]

I don't think you're being selfish. I think anxiety and fear can be normal for some women in this situation.

With my first pregnancy, I was so depressed for 5months of my pregnancy. So depressed I was referred to an antenatal unit to deal with depression.

I had so many conflicting feelings; so much fear about the responsibility. The unknown, not being able to cope, feeling resentful, ambivalent. It was very difficult.

So I totally understand the fears.