AIBU to ask if anyone dreaded becoming a Mum?

[SWtoSEGirl]

I feel terrible posting this - and feel I can't really discuss this honestly with anyone in RL. I'm 31 & my DH is really keen to start a family, to the point of impatience - last year I told him we'd try in a year's time - and here I am.

Children have always been a part of my life plan - but now I am on the verge of TTC, I am filled with dread & fear. I fear losing my independence, losing my identity, & our financial security. I fear we'll never enjoy free time or a holiday again. I know this makes ne a terrible person - but I also can't imagine loving my baby - although I really love my nephews & nieces. I guess I'm terrified of making a lifelong commitment to someone I dont know (ridiculous though it sounds). I often look to the future & just cant picture myself with a 10 yr old or teenager!

I've worked hard and sacrificed a lot to get where I am & am scared of losing it & of change. I think a lot stems from my DM - she has always wanted me to focus on my career & has never extolled the virtues of having children.

I know I am being selfish, but has anyone else felt this way? Or have advice on how to prepare mentally for a child?

[GimmeeMoore]

Before having baby/ttc have the big conversation be clear on expectations and baggage
As you will both unwittingly bring bagage to having a baby.not bad,but need exploration
Working - will you both work ft? Will mum go PT or not work?i ask because people can have deeply held POV they haven't expressed before. Some men and some women think looking after baby is a task to be undertaken ft at home. Some will think why have baby if its at nursery/cm all day looked after by someone else (their words not mine)

Will dad take extended paternity leave or 2 wk
When will mum return - how long mat leave

Nursery/own room or baby in your room
Co-sleep or not


School faith or non denomination

School state or private

Finances all shared or ndividual accounts

Grandparents- active and providing childcare or weekends only

If baby get ill who collects - always mum or do you share.we know daily who'll respond if we get the call and it's shared.theres no notion of his job more important than mine etc

We did have the big talk,and no big surprise but some small really? moments

When we were discussing nursery my mil began to enthusiastically discuss colour and cribs we had to clarify we meant nursery childcare. She frowned and said oh i thought you'd change your mind about working.. so others will project their assumptions on to you.

And finally becoming a parent makes you access all areas for some folk. I've had strangers ask how I'm feeding baby
Ask how my pg was
Ask how birth was

I know the oft touted myth. Is one meets one bestie at baby group and you bond in a deep friendship.honestly, I found majority of baby group mums I met to be dull and mumsy. They weren't back to work, and we're vehemently of opinion that nursery was akin to Guantanamo internment. And they were obsessed by schools, and moving to suburbs to escape urban Dystopia. Fortunately I met 1 mum I liked she was going back ft too

So what I'm saying is do discuss, don't assume your on same page

[BreezyThursday]

OP I was very much like you - I agreed to start trying thinking I had a while to get used to idea (I did want kids, but not so much a baby) and got pregnant first try, so that was that! I couldn't imagine not working and was worried about someone taking over my job and petrified of what I might do all day with a baby.

Life becomes very different. I regret things we didn't do as a couple beforehand; I am constantly tired; we bicker over silly things; there is less money. The last 18mo have frankly been surreal and I have to keep reminding myself I am a mother.

HOWEVER, I love my daughter (not a massive instant motherly bond but love nevertheless) and, having avoided so many things in life due to fear, I'm glad I faced up to a big fear and it worked out how it has. The tiniest thing from her- a smile, a new skill learned, an hour's nap (!) is all it takes to turn the worst day around.

There is no ideal solution, and no one can tell you what is right for you, but you need to make sure OH knows where you are at.

[BonnieF]

It is not compulsory to have children. It is a choice. It's fine to not have them if you don't want them.

That may be quite a controversial thing to post on MN, but it is actually true. Millions of women and men make the choice that being a parent might work for most people, but not for them.

You are also perfectly entitled to change your mind when the prospect of having kids moves from the abstract 'one day' to the reality of actually trying to conceive. It's your life, and it's not a dress rehearsal.

Good luck with whatever choice you make.

[IDontLookMyAge76]

Yes, pregnant now and still not too sure I'm ready but I do know I want her.
I had lots of ppl tell me I'd be a good mum etc but I wanted to change careers and my partner had to wait til I achieved that first as well as agree outright that he would be the SAHD so I could go back to my career.

It's not going to be a huge change in lifestyle for us and we've discussed how we can achieve our individual and mutual goals with our child so I feel like we're at a point where we can imagine how we can continue to be 'us' as well as parents.

I can't say I've enjoyed pregnancy but I do think I'll enjoy being a parent with my partner.

Like others have said, speak to your partner about your worries and maybe make a plan about how you can fit a child into your life as you see it going and how you can keep your own interests and personhood intact rather than just being swallowed up by 'mum'.

Even if it doesn't work out that way, if I become an InstaMom who's whole life is wrapped up in my kid, become a baby factory and never go back to my career, I feel better for having done it for myself to prepare.

[glueandstick]

It's so refreshing to see 'honest' answers.

Really should be easier to talk about in real life.

[GimmeeMoore]

Irrespective of whether man/woman promised to have a baby,you can't be compelled to
However,you do need to tell the other partner you don't feel ready.that's only fair
But yes it's a promise you have to break if you don't feel ready to be a parent

[Bobbydeniro69]

I wish more people would be honest about this kind of thing - basically having kids only makes any sense in a ' keeping the human race going' kind of way. It's bloody hard work and quite frankly, your life isn't your own anymore. Gone are the relaxing holidays, the lazy weekends etc .
What I would say is that there are lots of things about parenthood that you do get use to, including the lack of ' free' time. You do find that the ' free' time you have ( when babs is at parents or being looked after by other half) becomes more precious and therefore enjoyable to some extent.
Yeah you might be swapping Santorini for Skegness holiday wise, but one night away at a country hotel will seem as relaxing as two weeks in the Maldives once you're a parent.
Final thought - if you are really not feeling it then don't do it and don't be pressured into it either. This 2017, there should be no expectations to have kids and you certainly wouldn't be ' missing out' if you didn't - rather you would just be doing other things with your life.

[GimmeeMoore]

It's ok to be scared,given its a life changing event
Do make sure you want this as opposed to falling in to motherhood cause he keen
Don't define yourself wholly as mother,it's ok not not be subsumed by it

For me,my dc fit in around me.i don't fit in around them.by that I mean I had a plan

• I continued to work ft
  
• ft nursery at 6mth
  
• had to have shared parental responsibilities dp drop off, I collect.
  
• no he's a man,his job more important than mine rubbish.both have to share equally
  
• not all my activities are dc or baby related.went off on own to do things I liked too

[GimmeeMoore]

Having a baby isn't always big,fluffy,life affirming.it also can break relationships and be seismic
Both of you Have the big conversation about working,nursery,sharing tasks,childcare
Make sure you completely understand each other expectations,baggage and won't do's
What are your collective thoughts on school?faith or not?state or private
When Do you want to return to work?have you thought about looking for nursery.
For a baby room place I recommend book 9-10mth advance.yes,it is that sought after
What roles do you envisage pil playing- will they be hands on,offering childcare or weekend visits

[Redhound]

Another childfee advocate here. Please don't let your DP pressurise you, it sounds as though he is being really selfish, getting impatient with you. YOU are the one who will suffer most- physically, mentally and financially from giving birth. From my point of view I have a very happy childfree life, I know I would have hated having children for all the reasons you mention and many more. I love having my freedom to do what I want when I want- at 46 I am thankful everyday that I chose freedom. Also; look at it from the child's point of view not your own. Why bring a child into an over populated world to suffer? You are right, this is not a decision to make lightly and regretting having a child is much worse than regretting not having one. Do not rush your decision and take no notice of your DP!!

[itsbetterthanabox]

You don't have to have children.
Don't have them because you feel you should. That's not a reason to create a new person.

[PeppaIsMyHero]

I went into the delivery room screaming inside "I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A BABY!". I think it's quite healthy to realise that your life is going to change and a large amount of that change is out of your control.

I love a PP's idea of suggesting to your DH that he becomes a stay at home parent while you pursue your career. That'll definitely put it into perspective for him. :)

[Carnabyqueen]

I remember falling pregnant very quickly after DP and I had a talk about "seeing what happens" and stopping birth control. I was really shocked it happened so quickly without any actual trying. I found out just before a weekend away to stay with my friend with a newborn. I felt really disconnected and weird. Didn't want to hold her baby, was horrified by her constant breastfeeding and all the "stuff" a tiny person seemed to need. Out in Leeds city centre everywhere I looked were pregnant women and babies in prams. I actually seriously considered terminating as I was in such a panic.
All this changed after the first scan and luckily I began to feel excited and connected to my foetus, now a robust, charming and funny 10 year old.
Yes, life has changed completely but IMO it is for the better.

[sk1pper]

I think it is great that you already have an understanding of just how much your life will change when you have a child, in fact - I'd even be as bold to say that it may make the transition easier for you because...well when you expect the worst, sometimes things aren't as bad as you imagined them to be.

I'm also terrified of becoming a parent OP, even though I've been TTC 16 months. I'm personally at the stage where I am willing to loose my free time, my sleep, my freedom...and a little bit of my mind to have a miniature me running around. I feel like I'm at the stage where normal, routine things are just not interesting anymore - Christmases, birthdays, trips to the Zoo...I want a little person to share this all with. I feel I have a lot of knowledge and love to give a child and although I will be terrified when he/she finally arrives - I feel as ready as I'll ever be.

I would say, if you're not willing yet to make the sacrifices you talk about - that's absolutely fine. You're still young but it is very important to sit down with your partner and explain it as honestly as you can.

[nannybeach]

You are not selfish at all, but I do not think you are ready to have a baby.

[DJBaggySmalls]

I was so scared I didnt know how to be a good parent I went for counselling

[SanitysSake]

What you're describing are the thoughts of someone who has a great intellect and is thinking this thoroughly through. To be utterly commended.

I was the same. However, I was told I'd never have them without serious intervention which shaped my way of thinking. Never really wanted them. I was immune. The switch had never been flicked. Had a heavy duty career. Hadn't ovulated properly in nearly 8 years. Am 39, the show was over, wasn't it? Wasn't having any sex for months because of various reasons. The one time in months? There she goes. I couldn't bring myself to abort. I cried solidly for days. I still cry as the circumstances are far from ideal.

That being said, I am due two months after my 40th Birthday. I. Am. Petrified. But... the little peanut inside keeps kicking me sporadically as if to say 'It'll be okay..promise'.

I'm scared, I'm ill prepared, but I'm going to try my absolute best. I guess that's all we can do. :)

[GinGoggles]

What Olivia said. Opting to stay childfree is a valid option. I was happily childfree for forty years before having my son, very ambivalently, at forty, and while I absolutely adore him, and parenthood has been far, far lovelier and more transformative than I expected (after it turned out I was horrible at the new baby stage) I know perfectly well I could have been equally happy and fulfilled if I hadn't had a child. Just differently happy.

[OliviaBenson]

Just to add balance, you don't have to if you don't want. It's a huge responsibility and you should want it.

I'm childfree and get a lot of comments such as 'you don't know what you are missing out on' etc etc which is true to a degree. But when I think of the impact on my life, it just isn't for me.

[TheLovelyLinda]

I felt exactly how you feel, OP. Pre-child I was married but totally selfish and had never even spoken to a child!

Having your own child though, is indescribable. You just get your little one right from day one and would move mountains to protect them. Seriously.

[hookiewookie29]

• effect how I feel

[hookiewookie29]

My children are now 13 ( DD) and 18 (DS).
This period in their lives is most definitely, without a doubt, the most scariest part of parenting.
DS passed his driving test 9 months ago. He drives everywhere...thinks nothing of driving 160 miles to see mates who have gone to Uni...or to events he wants to see.....or for weekends away with his partner.....
That's the other thing.....DS came out to us as bisexual a few months ago.Doesn't affect how I feel about him, and DH has been brilliant about it.DS has had a couple of male partners, so I worry that he may face prejudice from people, and find himself in some unpleasant situations.
DD now stays at friends houses on sleepovers most weekends. She tells me most of what she's been up to, but not all, so that bugs me!
I've always had a very open relationship with my kids, and they talk to me about anything and everything....but I so wish they were little again, tucked up in their beds, so I knew where they were and what they were doing!!
When I found out I was pregnant with DS, and I told my Mum, she said "There you go-that's our worry now for the rest of your life"
And she's right. The problems don't go away-they just change as they get older!
Parenting is the hardest job in the world-but the best!

[BestZebbie]

With regard to giving up your identity/previous hobbies and so on:

1. You don't get mind-wiped and forget all your previous likes and dislikes and friends and things you found important.
   
2. It is much more like you are the same person, but you have discovered a brand new extra hobby that is just so amazing and absorbing that you actively choose to spend your time on it when you have a choice between a session of your new hobby or a session of one of your old hobbies, because the new one is that much better. You still like the old one, and you might still do it sometimes, for variety, but (especially early on) sometimes if you go to that you just end up thinking 'why did I choose to do this and not my better, new hobby this evening?'.
   
3. Gradually the "don't get distracted and wander off leaving your baby to be eaten by tigers" phase relaxes a bit, as the baby turns into a small child, and you remember what you saw in all the old stuff too. It is not hard to go back to, especially if you "kept in touch" with relevant social groups etc.
   
   If you keep at least one non-baby thing going the entire time (possibly career-related, like part time or voluntary work in the field or just going back to full time work quite quickly), you'll never totally 'lose' your non-baby identity either, as there will always be that little bit of time every week where you still inhabit it, so it is easier to put back on when the baby phase is over.

[Samatamfabahaba]

I felt exactly the same. I'm 31 now, but I never planned on becoming a mum, ever. I left my husband partly because of his need for kids and I just didn't want them, with him or at all really.
Me and my new partner enjoyed a very full social life, dinner out two or three times a week, holidays to Vegas twice a year, we were out every weekend and now here I am four years later, 21 weeks pregnant and the most excited I have even been to be pregnant. If you'd told me a year ago I'd be in this position I'd have spat my Shiraz out all over you and laughed in your face. It is unbelievable how much things change, and I don't mean they changed overnight, but I kinda wish i'd got accidentally pregnant a while ago! Having said all that, it's not for everyone, and it does not make you even slightly awful to be one of those people! Not even close.

[HeadDreamer]

It's entirely normal to feel the dread of motherhood. Because it's such a large change for the mother, usually. It doesn't make you a bad person.

FWIW I didn't ever feel ready. I always see my future with 2 kids. But it was never now. I was 35 when I realise it would be now or never. That's when we TTC. Luckily DH and I have a good understanding that he'll be a very hands on dad. And that I'll be continuing to work full time. Both of us have made career choices where we are more available as parents. If this is important to you, you need to make your feelings known.

I'm working full time with 2. I have a longer commute so DH does pick up and drop offs. (He works local). I also negotiated one working from home day and also from home every day from mid afternoon. This is the kind of career choice I meant you need to make. You don't have to give it all up but equally you can't have it all.