Sick of being asked when the next one is coming

[user1470064958]

We had DD 6 months ago getting on as expected, loving being a mum but aibu to be so sick of being asked / pressured to have a sibling already / if at all!!!

4 days after birth it began and it just doesn't stop from friends and family!

We are married and in our thirties but currently are happy and have no plans for another at all. I know this may well change but I just don't understand how it is everyone's right to ask/ badger about the subject. My sister in law is a real smart arse about it as they have three. It's getting to the point where I want to tell everyone to F**k off and mind there own business.

I feel incredibly annoyed by it all and just feel if / when we say we are happy as is that it's all going to be rammed down our throats how selfish we are. Surely it's OUR decision and isn't anyone's business except maybe DH, DD and the person who's vagina the sibling will come out of?!

[Stonewash]

I agree it's insensitive and intrusive.

Try "We won't be having any more. How about you?"

[CripsSandwiches]

AllTheLight I don't think they're necessarily pressuring anyone but it's still inappropriately personal. I wouldn't ask anyone how they arrange their finances which I think is less personal. Must also be horrible for people going through fertility issues or who aren't in agreement about the next child.

[sobeyondthehills]

4 years and we are still being asked.

It hurts everytime because we have been trying for nearly 3 years and have had a miscarriage as well.

I have stopped being polite now.

[Offred2]

It's so annoying isn't it? Before we had our first daughter I don't remember anyone asking us when we were going to have a baby, but as soon as she was born people were asking when baby number #2 would be coming along!

Maybe if a couple don't have any children people wonder whether they've got fertility issues of some sort so they don't ask. But as soon as you've successfully had one child some people assume you can inevitably have another one easily.

This casual asking about baby #2 particularly upset me as I had a (late) miscarriage when DD1 was nearly 2 years old - and that seems to be prime 'are you going to have a second?' asking time.

Luckily after DD2 was born the 'are you going to have another?' questions all but stopped.

[Rollonbedtime7pm]

I have 3 and people still ask!

Apparently if you have more than the standard 2 (especially as I had 1 of each) you clearly want millions er no, 3 is plenty thanks!

[Servicesupportforall]

We had the opppsite after dc4 people telling us to stop now ffs.

My ds and dil have one and only want one and why not?

Seriously op just say 'not your business so please shut up' if they persist then leave. Don't smoulder in silence tell them to shut up.

[Maz2444466]

It's so annoying, why can't they just leave you to it and make your own mind up, this obsession with getting on with it drives me mad. Everyone has different circumstances and there's no need to feel pressurised. If you want them close then great if you want them further apart then great. One isn't better than the other. And societal pressure shouldn't be a reason to have another, my friend was obsessed with having one as soon as she could 'so they would be friends' and it caused a lot of heartache as it didn't work out that way, I don't understand that anyway, there are plenty of siblings four years + apart who get on really well and in the grand scheme of things four years (for example) is nothing anyway, won't mean anything when they are 72 and 76!!!!!!

[MyBreadIsEggy]

YANBU.
I fell pregnant with DS when DD was 8 months old. DS is now 3 months old and already I've had family memebers say things like "You two need separate beds or you'll be pregnant again in a couple of months" So what if I was?! It's no one else's business!!!!!!!

[Gardencentregroupie]

PastysPrincess your line about the damage caused and the surgeon saying I was almost as good as new was my actual true experience and people who knew this were still asking when I was having another within a few days ffs

[OhhBetty]

Ugh how annoying! Since ds's dad and I split I get "well you obviously won't have anymore kids". I probably won't but I'm only 26! I don't understand why everyone think other peoples plans for children is any of their business!

[itsgoodtobehome]

Another one here who kept being asked that question after DS was born. We did/do want another one - started ttc when he was 1. He is now 4 and no luck so far. Now when people ask, I just say - yes, we've been trying for 3 years now. That shuts them up pretty quickly!!

[Megatherium]

You could try looking them straight in the eye and saying "You seriously want me to tell you when I next plan to have unprotected sex? Why?" With any luck that will embarrass them into silence.

[mistermagpie]

YANBU. Within days of DS being born people were asking when we would have another!

I hate to tell you, but I'm now pg with DC2 and I have had at least four or five people ask me about having a third baby already. This one isn't even born!

[PurpleDaisies]

Maybe if a couple don't have any children people wonder whether they've got fertility issues of some sort so they don't ask

They do ask. They also give you tips on how to get pregnant which usually involve relaxing, starting the process of adoption or some woo drug.

I give them a pointed look at ask if they meant to ask such a personal question. That usually shuts them up.

[SheepyFun]

DD was born by elective c-section for medical reasons. While I was being stitched up, the surgeon told me that when we were wanted another child in a year or so, there was no reason why a vaginal delivery wouldn't be possible. While I appreciate the medical information, it was slightly surreal to be given it at that moment (and we haven't tried for another; possibly needing a c-section again has not featured in our decision making).

On another similar thread, one poster suggested saying 'we are trying, but DH keeps putting it in the wrong hole'. Apparently it tends to shut the questioner up, though you'd have to be pretty confident to run with it!

[terrythetrex]

Yanbu, although doesn't tend to be family as they know we're not going to but I returned from maternity and people at work ask. Mind your own frigging business. I have said we're not and I get the you'll change your mind when ds is older. I won't because I found the first 4 month horrendous, due to him screaming constantly and having reflux and a milk allergy. I have no desire to go back to baby days and we can't afford it either. But I'm not going to tell them that as frankly nothing to do with them.

I also got asked about whether I breastfeeding fed, just said I am not discussing my breasts with you, that shut them up.

I've had poor ds be all alone, have you thought about when he's older etc. Learnt to ignore it now.

Love my whirlwind 3 year old but he's enough for us

[PurpleDaisies]

It's just a thing people say. They're not trying to pressure you (unless maybe it's your mum) - most people don't care really!

This does not make it ok. The more people that make it clear that this is an unacceptably intrusive question the better.

[Sonotkylie]

How about, "I feel we got it right first time. How many do you have?"
I was never brave enough to use this but said it to myself under the tight lipped smile. DS now 10. Finally they have stopped asking me (although I am certain my family witter about my 'cruelty' to DS when I am not there or my selfishness in 'leaving it too late'). It is all astonishing but people are!

[PastysPrincess]

Gardencentregroupie this was my real life experience too. It wasn't diagnosed that I was having a large birthweight baby and unknowingly went through a vaginal delivery when I should have had a c section.

Family all knowing what A horrific ordeal I went through still pressure me about having another. I tell them that as LO weighed so much technically I've had two babies, they were just rolled up into one.

[jojo2916]

Don't take it to heart - in the nicest way possible, people don't generally actually care. People just say things to have something to say.

This ^ 100%

[PurpleDaisies]

Don't take it to heart - in the nicest way possible, people don't generally actually care. People just say things to have something to say.

How are you supposed to not take it to heart when you've just had a miscarriage or started your period when you thought you were finally pregnant after years of trying? It's a deeply personal question that should not be asked as chit chat. Do the British thing and talk about the weather instead.

[user1470064958]

Mental health issues, previous eptopic pregnancy and stomach disease are all factors in our thinking and decision making.

I have a sibling and it is lovely in parts but I think their are fair fair worse things than being an only child. 😤

It definitely is to fill a void in conversation but I'm sure as soon as we say she's an only we will be judged as selfish horrid people by the family! (What utter bollocks) I'm literally hesitating telling them...

The funniest thing is it's clearly a topic of conversation behind our backs already, drives me INSANE 😤

[CesareBorgiasUnicornMask]

One of my Mum's friends made the mistake of asking me that when DS was about 9 months, hadn't slept for longer than 2 hours since birth, I had PND and he'd just vomited on me in the middle of a shopping centre. It was also the FOURTH FUCKING TIME SHE'D ASKED ME and each time I'd smiled politely and said we had no plans. That time I snapped and said, 'Never, actually. I'm sending DH for a vasectomy and I'm actually currently researching how to send this one back.'

She hasn't asked since (but nor has my mother forgiven me).

[jojo2916]

Lots of things people say can be accidentally offensive even less personal questions Purple Heart people don't think that deeply before they spout something out I'm sure you've unwittingly caused offence in your life time through words as everyone has, it would hurt if you have had a mc or other trauma but people talk shit all the time to make conversation they are not really that bothered it's just for something to say , for example talking about getting a speeding ticket may upset a person who lost a child in a road accident, people moaning about mild allergies may upset someone whose child died of anaphalyxis, lots of this will accidentally offend it's just the nature of discourse but perhaps better than a society where no body asks anybody anything other than the weather for fear of offending

[PurpleDaisies]

Oh come on. There's absolutely no good reason to ask someone what their plans are regarding children. It's a deeply personal question and not at all comparable to the situations you describe.