To ask for some straight talk as I am probably bu about my xmas present

[Cindbelly]

I need some straight talking as a I am probably being unreasonable but getting angrier and more upset every time I look at my present.

DH is a Sahp and I am the sole wage earner. DS has asd and we can't find suitable childcare for him, DD does morning nursery sessions so no change in this likely to happen till at least September 2017 when DD goes full days and DH can look for part time work. -this is relevant as money is tight so no budget for big gifts for each other at the moment which I really am ok with.

Back in September DM asked me what I would like for xmas.
We discussed a particular watch and brand which I wanted (has several features that would be really useful for my health as it monitors blood pressure etc - but also I would like to wear it to work and I am already conscious that I can't afford the high end clothes the others in my office seem to favor so that brand is the one I want) I said at the time the watch is about £80 so too expensive but if she could give me some money toward it then I would be really grateful. We discussed all of this.
Nonsense says DM I will buy it, can easily afford it as I know that you won't get anything else due to only one wage coming in.
Anyway Boxing Day comes and we drive up to her house where she gives me, a lime green 'channel' bag, a toaster from the charity shop (had breadcrumbs in it) and a cheap nasty kids version of the watch I wanted complete with diamanté strap that is not changeable.

I'm so upset, and I probably sound ungrateful I told DH not to buy anything for me as DM was buying my watch, and in the 3 months since we discussed this I could have probably have saved enough to buy it myself.

I need some perspective, I'm 36 with 2 children and sulking because I didn't get the present I asked for...

[Cindbelly]

It might not have been the straight talking I was after, but the words of kindness and knowing I'm not alone with this happening has made me feel better so thanks everyone.

I usually detest grabby and entitled reactions to xmas presents and it really threw me to be feeling like this

[AteRiri]

Maybe she didn't think she was giving you knock offs.

Or maybe that's all she could afford.

Either way, just save up for your watch.

[diddl]

Well the gifts for others sound pretty good-how close were they to what was wanted?

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

My mum is a bit like this. She thinks she has done well getting a bargain.
I once asked her to get some shopping after giving birth and gave her a small list.

She returned all triumphant after substituting almost everything on my list for a cheaper/ reduced item/non branded similar product . For example, squash instead of fresh orange, Frosties instead of the children's Shreddies (because they were on offer) etc
and proudly handed me the money she had saved me. It was strange.

[YouOKHun]

Brie that's a lovely gesture. When I want to raise funds I usually sell a few bits on EBay OP, it's surprising how it can tot up, I sell my children's outgrown stuff, decent brands, often from the site in the first place. Don't worry, we all feel these things from time to time while berating ourselves for thinking in such a way.

[Empress13]

To get some perspective on this maybe she saw the watch at a cheaper price on EBay not realising and it was a copy and a child's so thought she'd be even more generous in getting you the channel (sorry had to laugh at that) bag and toaster?

Just a thought.

Can understand your upset tho.

[Empress13]

What I was trying to say was older people (and I'm guessing your mum is late 60's/70's?) are not always wise in the ways of being aware of knocked off stuff being churned out on EBay etc. so she prob thought "great I've got a bargain here let's see what else I can get her with the money I've saved"

Just wondered :/

[KitKats28]

I reckon most people's Christmases/lives would be much easier if they just gave up on adult presents. So many threads on here over the last few days have been about shit presents from adults to adults. I really don't see the point. You spend X on them, they spend X on you. Just keep your own money and buy yourself what you bloody want in the first place and save all the angst.

[MadisonMontgomery]

I would just ask her for the receipt - you don't have to be mean, just say she got you the child's version by mistake. Judging by the presents she got for others I would suspect she knew what she was doing & is banking on you not making a fuss.

Speaking of eBay, have you had a look on there for a Fitbit? It's the sort of thing people buy on a whim & get bored of - I do have one (with a lovely Tory Burch strap) but it is the basic flex model that just does steps etc, although if you would like it it's yours.

[Cindbelly]

Mum is 55 (was young when she had me) has an iPhone, smart tv, Facebook and uses WhatsApp etc. she is a bit resistant to new technology but by no means is she anti technology.
DH thinks she forgot about the watch, brought DSis 3 gifts then my dstepdad reminded her so she brought a cheap one plus two more bits of tat extra gifts to come to the same amount of money and presents for both of us.

I think he's probably got the measure of it

[SpookyPotato]

I usually think these threads are a bit daft and wonder why people bother having high expectations but your case is different... she specificially asked what you wanted and even offered to buy the whole thing, so she set your hopes high. I agree with others that I just wouldn't wear it.

[ChangelingToday]

I feel your pain. BIL gave me a mattress protector 🙄 He gave dh a lovely shirt. i wonder could you exchange the watch for the one you want?

[strawberrybubblegum]

It sounds like you think this was out of character (and her gifts to others sound generous and thoughtful). The fitbit and the bag I could think were due to a lack of awareness of brands and knock-offs (although confusing a toiletries bag with a work bag is worrying) but the charity shop toaster is hard to understand.

Sorry to make a worrying, and almost certainly wrong, suggestion - but have you seen any signs that might suggest the start of Alzheimers? It would be unusual at 55 but not impossible. The first signs are often a loss of reasoning/proportion/sensible behaviour rather than obvious memory problems (which people tend to mask).

[Bettyspants]

My grandmother would always buy me stuff from car boots. Nothing wrong with this but it would either be tat-example as a child an empty glass sweet jar with a chip!!- or would ask what I'd like, say she'd get it then get a generic version. E.g. I said I'd really l like a specific pair of gloves (cheap) and was given a pair of gloves. Simple plain used gloves. She had loads of money so not a case of being careful!! I think give. What she said and your financial situation you could say something along the lines of "the watch is lovely but unfortunately it's a child size and doesn't fit, would it be possible to return it so I could save up for thingy as I'd love it so much!

[Blogwoman]

Betty's suggestion is worth considering I think - saying the watch is nice but too small and could it be returned. From what you've said OP, your DM would be more aware of having the same number of gifts for each of you, and an equivalent thing, than getting the exact thing you asked for. I think many people don't 'get' that if you ask for a specific thing then that's what you want, not something similar. I learned this lesson with my DH very early on (the delight he expressed at my buying him exactly the number and type of apples he asked for, when shopping for him when he was ill and we were first dating!). He doesn't want similar - he wants exactly the thing he asked for. Totally get your disappointment, but it doesn't sound like she meant to be hurtful. I hope the watch can be returned.

[OohhThatsMe]

So your sister gets lovely perfume, your husband gets a Kindle and you get a secondhand toaster?!

I would find it hard to be civil to her.

[ofudginghell]

Oh how frustrating.
We had a good 10 years of one wage from first being together until 2 years ago when we could both work as dc were all in school so I know exactly what you mean.
My mum used to be terrible aswell as in I would ask for something specific and even send her a link to the item (after she had asked what I would like and what her budget was I may add) and in xmas day without fail I would get a variation or not quite what I was asking for and it's upsetting when you don't have the funds to just go out and buy the item yourself.

I would always tell myself I would put a bit away each week until I had enough for something but then a school trip or something the kids needed would come up and I would always happily use that money if saved.

A couple of years ago I gently said to my mum that although her budget is always very generous and I'm always very grateful if she gave me the cash I would buy what I would like and give it back to her to wrap up. It was almost a relief for her I think so now each year she gives us all an envelope with cash in each to buy what we would like.
Works much better as I don't feel bad for her wasting her money and I actually get what I would really like.

I have a Fitbit one available if that's any help to you?more than happy to pass it on to get some use

[Keremy]

This is something my Mum would do.
She's also fairly switched on tech wise but she would buy it thinking it was a bargain and not realise it was tat.

[SquinkiesRule]

I'm nearly as old as your Mum and I have my grown boys send me actual links of the items they want, or they don't get the right thing.
Please ask her for a receipt to change it before she has a clean up. If she gets huffy, just tell her "you got me a childs version, it doesn't do what I need" Then let her look for the receipt, don't assume she doesn't have one.

[Notcontent]

Some people don't seem to understand that cheap, tat versions of things are not the same!! My lovely father has done this a few times.

If someone wants x then they are not going to be happy with y, particularly if y is a cheap, nasty version of x!!!!!

[SooBee61]

Sorry but I am still laughing at the idea of giving someone a toaster with crumbs in it! People do give odd presents.

My father once gave mum a white china cat (the kind you'd win at a fairground) but he'd painted in the eyes with blue paint!

[ProseccoBitch]

I think you should discuss it with her, if only to explain why she won't ever see you wearing it.

[Sandyrose10]

I can see why you feel so let down. By the sounds of it things aren't easy for you at the moment, you're the sole breadwinner and have a child with asd so more exhausting than your average little one. If anyone deserves a treat it's you, this was something that you really coveted and that you had been told you would get for Christmas. By the sounds of it she must have spent close to the £80 with those three items but really didn't know she didn't get you the real thing so she isn't being a cow.

Do ask her politely if it's returnable as it's the wrong version and I'm sure she won't mind. My husband does this every year, I kid you not. He knows where I love to shop but I never buy anything for me since having kids, so every year he buys me something really lovely, thoughtful and quite expensive but it's not quite right so every time I have to tell him it doesn't fit or whatever and I exchange it. It's awful having to bring it up but I'd really much rather have something I really wanted for the money he's spent.

[Shona52]

My DH did this to me this year asked what I wanted (said my ugg boots needed replacing as they were 10 years old) he spend £100 on soap and body stuff (my branded perfume) thinking this was a lovely present and said he thought uggs were a waste of money in the U.K. Climate

Was really upset firstly £100 on soap etc is more of a waste then on boots and 2nd why ask someone what they want only to get them something else. What made it worst was it wasn't even wrapped and put under the tree just handed to me. So I went and brought them myself on Boxing Day. Total get your point op.