To be left feeling uncomfortable about this conversation.

[DeleteOrDecay]

As I was putting dc in the car after picking up the eldest from nursery, I noticed one of the parents drive past in their car. Shortly after one of the grandparents of one of the children in dd's class, who I've chatted to briefly before, walked past and started talking to me. She mentioned the car which had just driven past the school, and how the child in the back wasn't strapped in and she knew this because he was 'leaning forward'.

She then went on to say that 'those asians get away with it don't they, not like us'. I was a bit by this, and was busy getting dc strapped in so I kind of just made an 'mmm' sound and then she left. But it's left me feeling a bit uncomfortable and now I feel like I don't really want to talk to this grandparent anymore as we clearly have differing views. I didn't see whether the child in the back was strapped in or not but I don't see how race/where someone comes from was relevant. Aibu to feel uncomfortable about this brief encounter?

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

Navy like you I 100% would have called her out on it.

[wesH]

Don't "smile and nod" - don't normalise racism. That's how this woman has become so bold that she's willing to flaunt her racist views without fear in the first place. Don't engage with her if you can help it, and if she makes a similar remark to you again, challenge it.

[SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace]

Now I think we have to stand up for what we think is right and wrong, and not shy away from expressing it and waving the flag for our convictions

Absolutely. I'm still annoyed I didn't say anything when dd's orthodontist started on about Latvian and Estonian dentists who come over here in droves and don't know what they're doing - it wasn't just the sentiment (and I don't know, maybe training in Latvia and Estonia is really bad) - it was the expectation that I would agree and sympathise with this as a perfectly ordinary thing to say. Didn't even say 'I'm not a racist but...'.

This kind of thing is getting normalised, and it's been, sadly, legitimated. Another time, I'll say something - but might wait until he's taken the hook out of my kid's mouth first.

[mrscarrotironfoundersson]

Just to play devil's advocate, are you 100% sure she said Asian and not arsehole (in the context of not strapping in their child) - only because we had an almost exact conversation in work a few weeks ago, colleague has rant about a "bloody arsehole" in his East European accent - another colleague gets massively offended and calls him out on being racist having misheard "asian", after about 20 minutes of wtf'ing in the office its happily concluded.

Personally I would have called someone a bloody arsehole for not strapping in their children in the car

[Aki23]

Don't smile and nod as that will be taken as approval of her views! I would probably give a look and blank for that visit but would take each encounter one at a time. If it continued I would say it wasn't appropriate

[BertrandRussell]

"There are schools where native born DC are stuck in the corner with a book whilst the teachers, conscious of their OFSTED report, give more time to the non-English speaking immigrant child."

Are there? Name one.

[DeleteOrDecay]

No it definitely wasn't arseholes.

I tend to say something like, 'that's not my experience' and move on!

I'm going to try and remember this if I'm ever in this situation in future. It's not necessarily confronting, but it's also not giving the impression that I agree with the person coming out with such nonsense. I agree I should have said something, I was just a bit taken aback and distracted at the time.

[Starfish28]

I whole heartedly agree with eatsleephockeyrepeat let's call out racism when we see it. Smiling and nodding simply validates someones worldview. Agree being "older" does not make it acceptable my mother is now a grandmother and she regularly gives people a dressing down if she hears racist comments. White people often feel safe giving racist opinions to other white people. I know it is really hard to challenge someone but if we don't challenge it we are tacitly agreeing to it and allowing racist ideas to go unchecked.

[Starfish28]

Agree with BertrandRussell Draylon: please do name one of the schools where "native born DC are stuck in the corner with a book whilst the teachers, conscious of their OFSTED report, give more time to the non-English speaking immigrant child."

[DeleteOrDecay]

I would also be interested to hear which schools Draylon is referring to.

[BertrandRussell]

"I will not be naming the school."

I thought you wouldn't.

[HateSummer]

Greengoddess12, don't call me dear you patronising twat.

Why do you keep referring to people in different countries? I know full well what happens abroad. The fact remains this remark was made in the UK where everyone follows British laws and whether you're Asian or black or white or purple, no one gets away with breaking laws if they do it blatantly! The remark was racist.

So fuck off with your geography and anthropology lesson thanks.

[SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace]

The Rotherham abuse scandal is a whole other kettle of fish - I'll just say I don't fully buy the 'afraid of being called racist' line 100%. I think the fact that the victims were working class, and girls, had at least as much to do with that.

To an extent, having driven along the M18 and M1 a lot, I can see what Draylon is saying. Attitudes about what constitutes child safety do differ in different places. The problem here for me is:
1 assumption that that's what was happening in the car anyway
2 assumption that if it was, it was connected to race
3 assumption they would 'get away with it' on the grounds of race - even if it were more common in any group, that doesn't equate to different groups being 'let off'.
4 sense of grievance that others will not 'get away with it'.

Jeez, who wishes they could 'get away with' not buckling their kids in the car anyway?

[228agreenend]

I would probably mumble something non-commital and move on like you did, as I don't like confrontation, but in my mind would like to be able to challenge her on her statement.

As others have said, by not challenging you are by default agreeing with her (although I know that's not the case).

[Starfish28]

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace completely agree with Rotherham abuse scandal I think the fact these were young girls in and out of care had as much to do with the silence as anything else. It worries me that people seem to focus on that point - that the perpetrators were asian so no one wanted to appear racist. I'm sure there might have been elements of that but it completely negates the class element and I really wonder if these girls had been middle class whether there would have been a different response from the authorities.

[MorrisZapp]

Hmmmm. I'm not sure I could use the 'not my experience' line when I've seen such atrocious disregard of UK driving law from people from all walks of life but what seems like disproportionately from people who appear to be of Asian origin.

I know, what an awful thing to say. Ban me or delete me, it would be fair to do so.

But I couldn't say 'not my experience', simply because it generally has been. Aaargh. I feel horrible.

[ravenmum]

I'd have been a bit surprised, too. But I wouldn't stop talking to her. My technique if I have to be around people I disagree with is usually to keep on talking to them in a friendly way but just say what I think:

A: Those Asians get away with it don't they, not like us!
B: (cheerily) I've never had that experience. My Asian friends don't seem to get away with anything more than me.

Then it's up to her to decide if she still wants to talk to you.

Obviously it helps if you know they might come up with something you fundamentally disagree with - the first time round you are usually too amazed to react at all.