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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Not Want the Ex Wife dictating the Atmosphere in my home all Wknd

98 replies

gttob · 04/11/2016 20:03

Just that really, although I guess this is more DH issue. He needs to manage his reaction better.

One text and the whole house is in chaos, shouting, dsd grizzling again the minute she arrives, other children retreating to bedrooms to hide from her and the general mood.
She seems to be able to dictate the mood in this house from miles away. And I've never even met the woman!!

The lady in the co op even asked what was the matter!

One text that's all it took. Am I really being unreasonable to want a nice weekend without this drama and upset from someone who is not even here!

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 04/11/2016 21:04

Your husband is the problem. He alone is the problem. You alone
Can change that.

SpunkyMummy · 04/11/2016 21:04

Of course she'll grizzle (I've never heard this either) when her DF is angry "because of her"/her DM.

She doesn't have the capability to understand that it isn't her fault. Or that DF being shitty doesn't give her the right to be shitty as well.

It isn't her fault. Your DH should start being an adult and control his emotions...

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 04/11/2016 21:06

OP, I'm with you.

One phone call from my mother and i'm pissed off, the dog's gone in hiding, the DCs are wishing they were never born and DH is being sent for more wine.
I get you.

PaulDacresConscience · 04/11/2016 21:11

Yes but I think OP is venting on MN so that she can keep it together IRL, which is fair enough because that's one of the nice things about it. You can let off steam and then put your game face on and face reality again. Makes no difference to me whether she uses 'grizzle' once or eleventy billion times - it's just a word!

Bogeyface · 04/11/2016 21:12

Grizzling is, to me anyway, the pointless whinging that toddlers do when they are feeling hard done by.

How old is the DSD?

Frankly if her dad being in a bad mood is enough to have her in tears then he needs to sort himself the fuck out. They should both be ashamed of themselves if this is what they do to their own child.

Bogeyface · 04/11/2016 21:13

Oh and you might want to be a bit more sympathetic to a child who is clearly being treated appallingly by both parents instead of moaning that she is ruining your weekend.

BillSykesDog · 04/11/2016 21:13

It doesn't sound like she's very welcome. Poor little girl, she brings an atmosphere, has nits, her step siblings hide from her and she's cleaning. Sounds like fucking Cinderella, poor kid.

SleepFreeZone · 04/11/2016 21:17

OP there is ever any sympathy for a step parent on Mumsnet, particularly one that moans about their step child. That is why you are getting lots of passive aggressive posts.

I am forever glad I dodged this bullet with my ex. The mother of his children was a harridan and yet I still thought I wanted babies with him. My god I am grateful everyday that he wanted no more children and I left.

JenLindleyShitMom · 04/11/2016 21:22

Oh hang on, your DCs aren't cleaning (changing bedding?) because DSD has its are they?? I really hope not!

Clarify what the message said OP.

Also

Frankly if her dad being in a bad mood is enough to have her in tears then he needs to sort himself the fuck out. They should both be ashamed of themselves if this is what they do to their own child.

^^this!! DSD didn't cause any of this. If she has come for contact and her dad is in a fuck off bastard of a mood then damn right she is grizzly! I wouldn't be happy being stuck with someone who has the arse for the whole weekend especially if I knew it was because of me!

JessShouldHaveBeenAPiranha · 04/11/2016 21:28

the mother of his children was a harridan

They always are, sleep, they always are.....

SpunkyMummy · 04/11/2016 21:31

I feel extremely sorry for DSD.

Yes, I'm sure you and DC suffer as well. But it seems to me like DSD is the one in the middle of things.

BerylStreep · 04/11/2016 21:34

The ex wife isn't dictating the mood in your house. Your DH is.

Tell him to wise the fuck up.

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 04/11/2016 21:36

I have had a teenage dsd. Much nicer now she's 28.
I have had weekends much like you mention.
It gets better. Don't drink. It will make it worse. Go and get some fresh air and trust things will get better.

grizzlybloomers · 04/11/2016 21:43

I had no idea how much I dislike the word 'grizzling' until this thread. It really is up there with moist

SleepFreeZone · 04/11/2016 21:45

Of course! She was obviously a lovely lovely lady

GloriaGaynor · 04/11/2016 21:53

The text wasn't the problem. It's your husband's anger and 'miserable' moods, which are clearly not only having a negative impact on you but on his daughter (as well a the rest of the house).

How long can you keep blaming the ex for this?

StripeyMonkey1 · 04/11/2016 21:53

I think the important point is that you don't have to put up with anything that doesn't work for you and your kids.

Ultimately of course it is a DH problem but I get it that it is unpleasant to have to put up with a horrible atmosphere. It is also unpleasant for your children and you need to think carefully whether it is worth it for them and for you.

Whilst DSD in this scenario might well be suffering the most, and I also have sympathy for her, there might be little you can do to help if the root cause is discord between your partner and his ex. Whilst some on this post are focusing on this, I think your relationship and the wellbeing of your own children need to be your primary concern here. What does your DH propose to do about this? Is he willing to work to resolve the situation?

If you do decide that it is all worthwhile, then you will probably need to support your DP in helping your DSD, but he also needs to support you in minimising any negative impact on your children as a result of any fallout with his ex. If not, then it is a quite valid option to leave.

JenLindleyShitMom · 04/11/2016 21:59

I'm trying to think what my mum would have done if she were in your shoes, (I am struggling to see myself in this position as I haven't been in a relationship in so long)

I think my mum would have bundled all the kids up and taken us out for tea or somewhere and hissed at my dad to "find a better fucking mood by the time we get back". She wouldn't have allowed his mood to destroy the weekend for everyone and she certainly wouldn't have sat around giving him an audience for his sulking/ranting.

SpunkyMummy · 04/11/2016 22:02

jen

Your mother sounds great.

JenLindleyShitMom · 04/11/2016 22:05

She is. She is that little voice inside my head that reminds me when I need to stand up for myself.

baconandeggies · 04/11/2016 22:05

Your partner has been really rather unfair to let this get the better of him. No wonder the poor girl is crying.

baconandeggies · 04/11/2016 22:08

'Grizzling' in these parts is a demeaning way to describe someone who is crying and unhappy, e.g. "shut up your grizzling"

SpunkyMummy · 04/11/2016 22:15

bacon

So the OP is basically demeaning her DSD's distress when the girl is distressed because her daddy (the OP's DH) is being a twit?

Bogeyface · 04/11/2016 22:15

You know when little kids, usually is little ones, go Uhuuuuuuh......uhuuuuuuuuh in a sort of forced "no body loves me, you are so meeeeeaaaaannn...." cutted up pear sort of way, thats grizzling.

Not the real genuine distress of a young girl being on the receiving end of her fathers temper because of her mothers snotty message, with a step family who dont like her.

Poor kid :(

SpunkyMummy · 04/11/2016 22:15

jen

That's sounds really wonderful.

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