To have torn DP a new one after his comment towards me?

[BigEmpty]

When dp and I first met he was working 16 hours a week cleaning. He had no motivation and no confidence and when we talked about his minimal working hours he stated "he didn't feel like he could manage working more than that as he likes to do his shopping mid week" etc!!

When we talked about moving in together I told him his working ethic was an obstacle. I would not feel comfortable working 40 hours a week whilst he is just doing 16 with no valid reason. So he started looking for full time work.

I showed support throughout, he once came downstairs in a pair of scruffy jeans and a dragon t-shirt for an interview so I went with him to shop and helped him choose a good smart outfit. He got the job. He was delighted and went on and in about how great it was that he would have more money etc. He then started getting quite into the prospect of bettering himself so I sat with him and we went through college courses he could maybe do etc.

He thrived in the job and then a few months later he came to me and said "they've mentioned putting me on a training scheme which would see me get a promotion within a year!". I was delighted for him and bigged it up. He then went on about how the hours would change etc - I continued to be enthusiastic and encouraging - he then said "yeah, basically I need to do whatever I can to improve my career and if that interrupts your plans then that's just tough I'm afraid". 😲😲😲

Naturally this little snippet came out of nowhere! I said "what do you mean by that??" And he said "see I knew you'd be upset but I can't always do what's best for you, you're not the queen or anything are you". I said I wasn't upset at all about the change in shift patterns but I was livid at the way he'd just spoken to me considering I have only ever shown support for him. He said "oh, maybe I did come across a bit harsh there ... " too fucking right!

So basically I read him the riot act about how I'd spent months prepping him for interviews, helping him with clothes, helping him with college options, even taking his daughter swimming on a Saturday so she didn't miss out with his new job and to be spoken to like that for no reason?

I finished by telling him I was leaving (was at his house) and he should have a think about whether he wants to be in a relationship with someone who isn't used to being spoken to like shit. And in the meantime I'd think about how I feel about being in what often feels like a one way relationship.

He's text me constantly since saying he's sorry and can't understand what he said that was so wrong. I am fuming. Just too this isn't the only time he's suddenly come out with something nasty.

[BigEmpty]

Also this isn't done high flying career he's got into, he's a shelf stacker at Morrisons. Not that that is anything to be ashamed of but it's hardly cause for delusions of grandeur is it

[FucksSakeSusan]

Dump and run. You can do so, so much better than this man child.

And don't listen to the surrendered wives who always appear on threads like these. Just because they've made the decision to settle on someone who makes them miserable doesn't mean you have to.

[RepentAtLeisure]

And entitled man meets a socialized to put others first woman. The country is full of these pairings, and it's depressing as fuck.

My best friend in college had everything going for her, she was incredibly talented academically, then she met her boyfriend - now husband. She's basically his PA now, at least that's how it looks from the outside. He wanted to set up a charity and she actually did it, carried it out every step of the way. She does absolutely everything except accept the praise and give the interviews and speeches (though she writes them). That's when he steps in. It makes my blood boil.

Promise yourself you'll stay away from men who need to be fixed in the future, it's just not worth it!

[RepentAtLeisure]

*An

[SpareASquare]

I have a friend who always ends up with guys needing 'work' She's happy enough while they are listening (complying) but not so much if they're not. This reminds me a little of her and her 'projects'

Don't look back OP

[RepentAtLeisure]

he's a shelf stacker at Morrisons

There's nothing wrong with that no, but in the context of your OP -

Maybe keep in on the periphery of your life for comedy value?

[FerretFred]

I'm curious to know your motivations for doing all this for him OP. What did you see in him to start with?

And did you see the relationship as being equals or did you actually treat him in a childlike way?

[RepentAtLeisure]

*him.

Bleh, I need coffee...

[raisedbyguineapigs]

Op

[RepentAtLeisure]

And did you see the relationship as being equals or did you actually treat him in a childlike way?

Not the OP of course, but this is a man who couldn't work full time because he liked to shop midweek, and who tried to wear a dragon tshirt to a job interview. And if she enjoyed being a surrogate mummy she wouldn't be about to dump him, she'd be indulgent that he was going through a sassy phase...

[Shiningexample]

In his mind you are there to serve his needs
You thought that (naturally enough) that he would repay your help by showing the same level of support and kindness
Nope!
he took your help as a sign that you are there to give and he is entitled to take

[expatinscotland]

Get rid! Loving the 1950s called, they want their attitude back.

[RentANDBills]

Run. Run far away, OP.
He sounds like my brother.
Who's 12 BTW.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJess]

He reminds me of my ex. No dragon t-shirts, but at forty, he wore his jeans halfway down his arse (crack on full display). Just kind of....hapless, really. He was forever coming up with great business ideas, the most memorable being a mobile gold-plating venture (not only was he on JSA and didn't drive, but we live in an area not exactly known for being affluent...).

And yes, I 'mothered' him. Rescued him financially, tried to encourage him with work and college.... One of the reasons he gave when I found out about OW was that I was 'more like a mother than a girlfriend'. Get out now, OP - I never expected thanks or gratitude for my efforts, but to be told my support was actually an insult after taking advantage of it for five years, was a bitter pill to swallow.

[Clandestino]

He is getting his act together at last and you were prepared to put up with this till now. Perhaps his comment was a clumsy attempt at manly posturing ( never a good idea) to show you he is committed to self improvement.

As an ex-wife of a man who wasn't even capable of farting without checking with his own mother I see all the red flags I chose to ignore when I was young and stupid.
He continued that in our marriage. He was doing his PhD so I was the major earner. He borrowed money from his FIL and bought rather expensive holidays for us because "we must go on holidays to the sea". I was expected to pay it back from my salary even though I didn't really want to go there and spend the money elsewhere.
While at the university I was expected to read and check stuff for him, because I was his girlfriend. When working for his PhD, I was expected to help him out too, reading up stuff, translating stuff etc, because I was his wife and should have had a vested interest in his career progress.
Due to various neurological issues after an encephalitis when I was young I suffer from chronic fatigue. Not bad but to be honest, the lifestyle of a wife/mother of my husband was getting to me. I was fortunate we had no children. His father had some connections who could help me get on disability, with the idea that I will be able to sit at home, get disability, work at the same time as a translator (not officially, of course). And when the child comes, I would have more time for the baby while staying at home, still getting the disability payments and at the same time working freelance (illegally) because he needs to work on his career. As his mother pointed out once, you are nothing without the title (MA didn't count, it had to be PhD and higher). As I only had the MA, I was the nothing who still earned more money and went to work everyday while he was still living his student life, working on his PhD which meant having to work part-time in a scientific institution and spend the rest of the time writing his PhD papers.
So to be honest, I'd be dropping a man-child like a hot potato.

[KatharinaRosalie]

There have been so many studies showing how you can predict the likelyhood of divorce by how the couples communicate. So if you showed him a dress you wanted to ebay, he chose to roll his eyes and tell you that this would never work, don't be ridiculous. Besides everything else you have described, a partner like this will be sucking the joy out of everything and make your life miserable.

[Mynestisfullofempty]

"He borrowed money from his FIL"

Who was your father, right?

[Clandestino]

He borrowed money from his FIL

Sorry, was meant to be "from my FIL" (i.e. his own father. And his father pretty much expected to get the money back).

[hungryhippo90]

I'm late to the party, but what an earth were you thinking?
I think that for starters, a man who worked part time would make me run for the hills, and if that didn't do it, the dragon top certainly would have made me run!!

You read like an intelligent, lovely woman, why did you settle for this man for the past six months?

Get rid, and find someone equal to yourself, who won't need pushing to even work full time.

[Onenerfwarfrombreakdown]

Oh dear lord, dump the useless posturing arse. He "doesn't understand" what he said was wrong? Spell it out in words of one syllable and walk away.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJess]

clandestino. That sounds emotionally and physically exhausting, not to mention damaging to your self esteem. I fantasise about an equal relationship where we are both mutually supportive, but to be honest, my own experiences have frightened me off a little. At least I didn't have a MIL to add to the problems.

[J0J0K]

He's texting you? After being such an arse? He should be doing everything he can to win you back instead of sending you a text! You have been amazing to support him in the way you have. Thank him for providing you with an opportunity to move on and find someone else as wonderful as you.

[RepentAtLeisure]

While at the university I was expected to read and check stuff for him, because I was his girlfriend.

Aside from the superficial stuff this I think is a big factor in men seeking out young girlfriends. Young women will passively accept this kind of role because we go through life being praised for sharing and helping, way more than boys do.

At 20 I had a 40 year old disaster of a boyfriend, but he had the patter down, he was going to be famous and I could get in on the ground floor. (Once he even uttered the legend "This is my movie, you're all just extras in it.") He had me thinking up band names, sending demo tapes out to record companies, looking over lyrics, giving feedback on everything he did, styling him... He fully expected my assistance. In fact recently he called - 20 years on - to say he was now a techno producer. Paris Hilton no less had looked at his instagram page! He could offer me a much desired role in running his social media, there might even be money in it for me eventually! I blocked his number. Apparently he's communicating with teenage girls from China online who want to help him, so the cycle continues...

[Lorelei76]

Oh no
The point of being in your 20s with an older boyfriend is not that at all....it's because they're actually adults as so many younger ones weren't.
I've never been rescuing or mothering anyone though.

[Floggingmolly]

What exactly is the career progression for a shelf stacker at Morrisons?? God love him; expecting your career to take a backseat now that his star is on the rise...