To have torn DP a new one after his comment towards me?

[BigEmpty]

When dp and I first met he was working 16 hours a week cleaning. He had no motivation and no confidence and when we talked about his minimal working hours he stated "he didn't feel like he could manage working more than that as he likes to do his shopping mid week" etc!!

When we talked about moving in together I told him his working ethic was an obstacle. I would not feel comfortable working 40 hours a week whilst he is just doing 16 with no valid reason. So he started looking for full time work.

I showed support throughout, he once came downstairs in a pair of scruffy jeans and a dragon t-shirt for an interview so I went with him to shop and helped him choose a good smart outfit. He got the job. He was delighted and went on and in about how great it was that he would have more money etc. He then started getting quite into the prospect of bettering himself so I sat with him and we went through college courses he could maybe do etc.

He thrived in the job and then a few months later he came to me and said "they've mentioned putting me on a training scheme which would see me get a promotion within a year!". I was delighted for him and bigged it up. He then went on about how the hours would change etc - I continued to be enthusiastic and encouraging - he then said "yeah, basically I need to do whatever I can to improve my career and if that interrupts your plans then that's just tough I'm afraid". 😲😲😲

Naturally this little snippet came out of nowhere! I said "what do you mean by that??" And he said "see I knew you'd be upset but I can't always do what's best for you, you're not the queen or anything are you". I said I wasn't upset at all about the change in shift patterns but I was livid at the way he'd just spoken to me considering I have only ever shown support for him. He said "oh, maybe I did come across a bit harsh there ... " too fucking right!

So basically I read him the riot act about how I'd spent months prepping him for interviews, helping him with clothes, helping him with college options, even taking his daughter swimming on a Saturday so she didn't miss out with his new job and to be spoken to like that for no reason?

I finished by telling him I was leaving (was at his house) and he should have a think about whether he wants to be in a relationship with someone who isn't used to being spoken to like shit. And in the meantime I'd think about how I feel about being in what often feels like a one way relationship.

He's text me constantly since saying he's sorry and can't understand what he said that was so wrong. I am fuming. Just too this isn't the only time he's suddenly come out with something nasty.

[Oldraver]

Does he live on his own ? How the hell did he manage to live on 16 hours cleaning ?

The 'banking' thing would of set off alarm bells of for me. That is blatent manipulative lying, he knew what he was saying and how it would be taken. To then accuse you of only being interested in money is not on

[YokoUhOh]

jackie I believe it's the 'Realm of Dungeons and Dragons' thanks google

[Floggingmolly]

What job is he doing now?? I can't imagine what sort of high flying position being a part time cleaner qualifies you for.
It's irrelevant; he sounds like a complete dick; but I'm really curious...

[Bluntness100]

It looks to me like he got a bit up himself and excited with the prospect of promotion, maybe understandable considering he was a part time cleaner before. The fact you have reacted so strongly instead of just telling him to give his head a wobble, is in my view an indication of your lack of feelings for him, as in your hearts not really in this relationship.

He clearly is trying to better himself, and that's something. He spoke stupidly, but in my view as an isolated incident it's not leaving you kind of bad. The fact it is for you, says to me you're just looking for an excuse and want out because of the wider context.

[SpunkyMummy]

He sounds like he needs a replacement mummy and found you to do the job 😕

You deserve better.

[LovingWifeAndMother]

It was a very nasty thoughtless thing to say, However i have been with my husband 10 years and i have had to swallow a lot worse and work through it, I feel if you know someone is a good person once you strip away all their downfalls, Then they will always be worth working at it with. I do know people that seem to have found mr right, and he super happy, thats isnt me. I love my Husband dearly, but i had a lot of bad memories along with the good unfortunately. I feel i would rather work constantly at my relationship than to break up my family, that does not mean its the right decision, but its my decision, and whatever one you make, will be right for you

[Goingtobeawesome]

Is there anything he could say to change your mind? Do you want him too? If so, meet. If not don't.

[BaDumShh]

LovingWifeandMother - fucking hell, that is the most depressing thing I've ever read in my life.

OP - You sound like a great person with your head screwed on. You deserve much better than this ridiculous man-child.

[DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings]

BaDum - I agree. Imagine having that as your life.... fahckin' 'ell!

[FlyingGaribaldi]

However i have been with my husband 10 years and i have had to swallow a lot worse and work through it

Loving, that, in combination with your username, is deeply depressing. It does take two people to 'work' at a relationship, you know - one person doing all the 'work', especially if it involves swallowing continual insults and thoughtlessness, is just being on the receiving end of an abusive and unequal dynamic. You sound absolutely ground down by it. You say you stay for your children, but surely them witnessing your unhappiness is also alarming - would you want them to enter into a relationship like yours and stay?

[MermaidTears]

You sound like you have your head firmly screwed on.
He sounds like a fifteen year old boy.
What happens when he decides the real world isn't for him again, and goes back to getting in debt, gets an easier job again on less hours and starts wearing dragon t shirts (sorry had to laugh at the last bit)

[purplefox]

Has he ever acknowledged everything you've done for him?

[RedOrangeGoldLeaf]

Btw, you need to inspect any future partner's wardrobe for signs of griffins, dragons, satyrs etc. That's a new red flag for the MN list right there

Oi, my DH has several t-shirts with dragons on, and various bits of DnD and general RPG/gaming humour that would give some MNers conniptions. And a fantastic work ethic, and he most certainly does his fair share of everything else. He just pretends to be an evil Dwarven cleric in his spare time, and I've no objection.

[Damselindestress]

Sorry but I wouldn't end a relationship that was so serious you considered living together and spent time with his child by text. He's the one who's been immature, don't sink to his level. Have the awkward conversation and maintain the moral high ground. But you're definitely making the right decision to end it.

[MissDemelzaCarne]

You've been with him for months?
I take it he's a great shag?

[LovingWifeAndMother]

Hi FlyingGaribaldi,
Me and my Husband both are guilty of the odd comment that was below the belt, We are also both responsible for keeping our marriage going, Like i said when all is said and done, we are both good people that share the same outlook and morals in life. Sometimes i do feel like leaving i wont lie, but as i would be moving back with my family over 200 miles away, its not a decision i would make lightly if i ever did, My husband is an amazing dad, and sometimes it feels like it is enough just to know there is another person in this world that loves and wants to protect my children as much as me. Besides most of our arguments are over work and money, and thats not what we fell in love over, The flames is still there under the immense stress of both working full time with 3 kids (youngest going through a diagnosis of autism). Its not for everyone, you could put someone in my shoes and they would say no way no how! But im old fashioned and i only want to marry once.

[iminshock]

Why would anyone try to obscure the fact they are a cleaner?

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

I wouldn't dump by text tbh. I think thats quite harsh. I'd definitely dump this man child though, so unattractive!

[iminshock]

I think the responses here are a bit harsh based on what you've told us so far.
He is getting his act together at last and you were prepared to put up with this till now. Perhaps his comment was a clumsy attempt at manly posturing ( never a good idea) to show you he is committed to self improvement.

I'd meet up and talk - and tell him to get two bottles

[birdybirdywoofwoof]

You've been a lovely mummy to this little boy. Now let him go out there and explore the big wide world.

[JoffreyBaratheon]

Yes, run for the hills, OP.

I would buy him this as a parting gift (read the reviews if you want a laugh):

www.amazon.com/Mountain-Three-Short-Sleeve-T-Shirt/dp/B002HJ377A?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[BigEmpty]

I text back and said leave the wine, it's Tuesday night 🙄 He sent me a load of waffle back about something completely unrelated. I think in his head it's a case of "oh good, she's talking to me now, we're sorted". Business as usual kind of thing.

The dragon t shirts - well you know at seaside when you get shops selling "myth and magic" t-shirts (myth and magic was also something he listed as his hobby and interests on his cv btw until I sorted it out!!!) well they tend to have a collection of skeletons, unicorns, maybe the odd red indian and always the god awful wolf prints ... well the dragons are in the style of that shit.

[BigEmpty]

X post - that's the stuff JoffreyBaratheon 😂