DH told me my new hair 'makes me look 40'

[TorquayHotelWindow]

This morning I left the house with long blonde hair. I had been feeling in need of a confidence boost and decided a good cut to the length and some fresh highlights would do me the world of good. Long blonde hair is 'my thing' and letting it go wasn't a small step for me. After a difficult first year adjusting to motherhood I felt like it was time to shed that part of my story and by cutting my hair it felt quite symbolic, helping me mentally make a fresh start.

So I got a lovely head of fresh highlights, and a really good cut. It's about chin length and shaped really nicely. Chic and polished is how I'd describe it. So, left the salon, felt great. Met DH to go shopping and as I was walking along ahead of him, I glanced round and clocked him looking at my hair with a hint of disdain on his face. I didn't say anything and brushed it off as it just being my imagination. Next thing, I hear 'you look about 40 from the back!' and something inside me died. I'm gutted. Now, I want to make it clear there is not a single thing bad or wrong with 'looking 40' (whatever the heck that is) however as a 28yo woman it's not the 'look' I'm trying to emulate, from the back or the front! In DH's defence he was probably meaning that my hair looks 'grown up' and didn't choose his words well but still...I felt tearful and gutted for the next few hours.

I still can't shake the words from my mind and just feel like its cast a downer on what I'd built up in my mind as part of the 'new me' positivity. He apologised, said it's lovely and was just joking, and now I'm wondering AIBU for reacting how I did? Am I being reasonable to care about what my DH thinks of my appearance or did I react like a silly, stroppy princess?

[Lorelei76]

Ack, why on earth did you change it?! You say have the boring cut you don't like because of him but you chose to change it.

[MLGs]

It sounds lovely to me. However, I am nearly 40 so what do I know

I don't really like the "men like long hair" thing. Makes me thing of men wanting women subjugated or infantilised in some way. Don't quite know why long hair should say this, but it does to me.

[Chinks123]

It probably was insensitive and I know what it's like to show off your new hairstyle to dp and want them to love it (even if it's more important that you love it) and for them to compliment it.
I remember when DP went from long hair to bald though and asked me honestly if I liked it, to which I replied I didn't like it but if he did that was all that mattered and he was still attractive etc. I definitely preferred the long hair but he didn't and that was that I don't agree that your dp said it because he felt insecure, I think it will have been a shock and he said the first thing that came to mind.

[Dogsmom]

I am 41 and in May had my long hair cut to a sleek just below the chin bob and I do think it made me look older, not older than my age but yeah made me look 41.

I took before and after photos and I think longer hair more often makes people look younger.

Tbh I got fed up of it after about a month and am now growing it long again and really regret having it cut off.

[AmberNectarine]

He was insensitive, but I doubt he meant to offend.

My husband brought home a navy cashmere blazer he'd had tailor made at great expense. I immediately blurted out that he looked like Geoffrey palmer when he proudly modelled it. He's not worn it since. I didn't mean to be an arsehole, but it had tortoiseshell buttons.

I bet you look lovely. I look way better with shorter hair, but I know (though he'd never say it, because he's frightened) that my husband prefers me with long hair, partially because that's what I had when we got together (I was 23) and partially because porn.

Don't read too much into it.

[WorraLiberty]

I do honestly think he just needs a while to get used to it, if OP's 'thing' was always her long blonde hair.

And for those who think it shouldn't matter in any way, have you ever read the beard threads on here or the threads about ginger hair?

"OMG I would cry if my DH ever shaved off his beard"

"OMG I was heart broken that my baby didn't have ginger hair. Ginger hair is gorgeous. "

Hair matters to some people.

It certainly matters to the OP, so why is it so strange that it matters to her DH too?

[Justaboy]

TorquayHotelWindow Well one man here who loves long hair on a woman no matter how old she is.

I'm working with a young woman at the moment who has around bum length natural Red hair and I think it's stunning:-)

She says it does get a lot of attention and interest from most everyone she meets .

Sorry if that's a bit shallow but i likes what i likes;!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Silly man.

[joellevandyne]

Someone really needs to tip off Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore, Michelle Pfieffer, Monica Bellucci, Christie Brinkely, Joni Mitchell, Salma Hayek, SJP, Demi Moore, and millions of other less famous women that their hair has passed its "cut-off" date.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Some idiot supposed friend told me, at 35, that I was too old for long hair and wasn't it time I had it cut short? I rightly ignored her. Short hair would not suit me. over a decade later and it's still long

[CotswoldStrife]

I do have some sympathy with the OP, but have to admit that my (now) DH had his hair cut too short when we were dating and I burst into tears when I saw him He didn't like it either, but there wasn't a lot he could do at that point!

[steff13]

My husband shaved his goatee when our oldest (now 17) was about a year old. I've known him since we were in high school and had never seen him clean shaven. I cried when I saw him, and #1 son actually recoiled from him, because he looked so different. I had forgotten about that.

[Zazen]

It does seem a little short sighted to invest your personality and identity in your hair OP.

Maybe you need some counselling to move through whatever you sought a fix for in the salon?

Imagine if you suddenly lost a leg. Are you diminished?

Wrapping our indentity up in material or physical things such as hair, or health can be very foolish.

On the subject of hair and post baby bodies, changes happen anyway with age.... are we all going to fight it with pills, poisons and procedures, or are we going to become wise and accept the changes?

Your DH has his preference about what he finds attractive. Sounds like he doesn't like your hair so short. He's entitled to his aesthetic and maybe sexual preferences, as you are yours.
IME men are very visual, more so than women in the main. You may have to invest in some lovely new underwear....
I'd call that a win!



But on a serious note, do look into counselling rather than chic bobs and blond highlights for the answers or the affirmations.

[GreatFuckability]

I'm baffled by the responses on this post. Bobs are for old people? Only young people can have long hair?? What?
My hair is currently chin length and purple with pinkish tips. Its been every length from number 2 shaved, to the middle of my back. Every colour under the sun. Its never been an issue for the men in my life. Its just hair.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

I think, perhaps, you put a bit too much of your sense of identity into your looks. I'm a fair bit over 40 so such a comment would generally be considered a compliment to me. But it's a bit shit really that we think it's only a compliment to be thought of as younger than we are. Realistically though, I have a lot more going for me now than I did when I was 28. And I'm sure you will have a lot more going for you in 12+ years time too.

It's not surprising that you feel this way, I'm not suggesting you should feel guilty about your reaction or anything. Our whole culture gives us these messages - women's looks are an important aspect of their value and youth is better than experience - but if you could start to build your self worth on something that isn't going to inevitably fall away over time, I think you will find life is way better.

[MissMargie]

Maybe it was a shock because he will realise he is not longer 18 either.

But many men lose their hair which can make them look much much older. I wonder if that will happen to him? I'm sure he won't mind you telling him

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

When I hit 40 a well known DJ on the radio said that women over 40 shouldn't have long highlighted hair. I had long highlighted hair - it was lovely. I foolishly had it cut so that it was resting on my shoulders. Huge mistake - I've never been able to get it to that length again and as others have pointed out there are plenty of gorgeous women over a certain age with long hair.

[elodie2000]

Laughing at the thought of him going bald in a few years time!!! For his sake I hope he's one of those badger type men ( think Paul Hollywoid) who never lose a single hair.

[Naicehamshop]

I think people are being too kind to the op's dh!!

To be surprised at the change, and to say "Oh, I'm not sure..." Fine.
To say "It makes you look 40 from behind!"

Just rude. And unkind. Who says things like that? He is either incredibly thick or trying to be horrible. Only you will know which op.

[Mamatallica]

I'd find that upsetting but then I'm quite sensitive. I do think your DH is entitled to his opinion though, how would you feel if he suddenly got all his hair shaved off? Would you be supportive and tell him it looked lovely darling? What if he grew a really dodgy moustache that made people laugh at him? Would you think of his feelings and be kind or would you be honest? I'm sure your hair looks fine but he doesn't have to like it or think it suits you.

[RoganJosh]

At least he said 'from behind'.

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

The thing is, one day the op is going to be 40, and look it too, as most people do. I wonder how the DH is going to deal with that, and what sort of things he will be saying to her then.
I met my DH when I was 26 and am now 41. He says he finds me more attractive now than he did then. Objectively he must be talking shit but I actually do think he means it. If love is there then getting older, dodgy haircuts, getting older etc don't really alter it I don't think. DH is older and quite a lot fatter but I still fancy him just as much.

[onlythedaze]

Lesbians often have short hair.

Long hair is seen as feminine and desirable by many. Lesbians often have short styles.

[DamePastel]

Exactly Karlos.

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

Onlythedaze I imagine that many lesbians have short hair because they aren't subjecting themselves to the whole 'men like long hair' bullshit and they are having haircuts that they personally like and find easy to look after.

My DP met me with a longish bob at nearly 40. I've had it various lengths and colours and he will always say ow much he prefers it longer etc and that he didn't like my shortest cut. I knew he wouldn't be overly fond of the short one, but TBH, I was, so tough! His ex was very much a long blonde hair extensions person so he is used to the trophy gf idea.

I'm not a trophy, I'm a person with my own gases and needs. Most people I know with long hair tend to end up with in a ponytail anyway so you don't see most of the hair, just the scraped back roots around the face. With shorter hair you can get more volume with less hassle so when you have little ones to look after it just makes more sense.

I miss my old short hair!