DH told me my new hair 'makes me look 40'

[TorquayHotelWindow]

This morning I left the house with long blonde hair. I had been feeling in need of a confidence boost and decided a good cut to the length and some fresh highlights would do me the world of good. Long blonde hair is 'my thing' and letting it go wasn't a small step for me. After a difficult first year adjusting to motherhood I felt like it was time to shed that part of my story and by cutting my hair it felt quite symbolic, helping me mentally make a fresh start.

So I got a lovely head of fresh highlights, and a really good cut. It's about chin length and shaped really nicely. Chic and polished is how I'd describe it. So, left the salon, felt great. Met DH to go shopping and as I was walking along ahead of him, I glanced round and clocked him looking at my hair with a hint of disdain on his face. I didn't say anything and brushed it off as it just being my imagination. Next thing, I hear 'you look about 40 from the back!' and something inside me died. I'm gutted. Now, I want to make it clear there is not a single thing bad or wrong with 'looking 40' (whatever the heck that is) however as a 28yo woman it's not the 'look' I'm trying to emulate, from the back or the front! In DH's defence he was probably meaning that my hair looks 'grown up' and didn't choose his words well but still...I felt tearful and gutted for the next few hours.

I still can't shake the words from my mind and just feel like its cast a downer on what I'd built up in my mind as part of the 'new me' positivity. He apologised, said it's lovely and was just joking, and now I'm wondering AIBU for reacting how I did? Am I being reasonable to care about what my DH thinks of my appearance or did I react like a silly, stroppy princess?

[gillybeanz]

I can see both sides to this.
Men don't see the hair thing as we do, they go and get a cut and that's it.
Some women like yourself attach emotional stuff to a haircut, but they can't be expected to know this and understand how you are feeling.
On the other hand no woman likes to be told she looks 12 years older than what she is and he should at least know this.
At least he apologised for his insensitivity.
I bet it looks lovely, can we have a pic?

[TorquayHotelWindow]

Good to get a bit of perspective on it. I think he has learned a lesson about tact and I've learned a lesson about trying not to take things said in jest to heart quite so much.

[Wdigin2this]

Well firstly, I think he just opened his gob, without filtering....which was probably because he was taken aback a bit. But even so, he shouldn't have said it! He's got a lot of making up to do.....but that's men for you!
But don't let it ruin how you felt when you left the salon, also try it in different ways, experiment a bit!
Have to say though, I'm with Mumofthemonster , I think, if you like your long, keep it that way for as many years as you can get away with! I know I'm wayyyyy past the generally accepted age for wearing my hair long, but sod it, that's how I like it, I find it easier to manage, I can do lots with it....so I'm keeping it!

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Ooh. Im 26 with long blonde hair. It is very me. It was accidentally cut off once and it aged me twenty years, and that was without any highlights or polishedness. I couldn't wait for it to grow back.

That said he should have thought before he spoke. And he should apologise! He can't take it back, though, so to a certain extent you have to try and forget it. And at least you know he's honest with you! DP maintained my hair was fine and not that different for days... it was very insulting and not at all supportive. Clearly both need help finding the middle ground!

I bet your hair looks great. Enjoy it!

[Lorelei76]

OP I think you've arrived at the right perspective
But flummoxed by posters saying they feel too old to have long hair, have it however you like.

[gubbygubby]

I can beat that OP
When pregnant with DC no 4 we were having sex and I was on top and DH said
" I'm surprised you can feel anything, its so cavernous in there"
I can confirm that something inside me did die when he said that .
Ten years ago . Never forgotten it.
We rarely have sex. I'm so paranoid about down there. 🙄 I can't ever come back from that

[Liara]

Schmoo - yes he is! He always finds the most charitable interpretation for my flights of emotional weirdness, which is good as half the time even I don't know what's going on with me when I'm like that.

[neveradullmoment99]

My dh hates short hair. He always says the way to look your age is to cut it into a bob. He works in a place full of women and that is there hairstyle. My dh is an ass though and if i get my haircut he gets pissed off but Its my hair. Saying that, I do want him to like me with it..its a difficult one. At least he said he was sorry.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

bloody hell gubby, why are you still with him, that's appalling!

As for the hair I bet you look amazing and he feels threatened so the comment is meant to put you in your box. Oddly it's not so much the comment as the look of disdain that would hurt me.

[RaeSkywalker]

gubby

I think the things to remember here are: it's your hair, and it grows back.

My DH is quite unusual in that he prefers my hair in a bob (which is how I had it aged 22, when we met). I'm 29 now and it's much longer- I look better with it short, but the maintenance of a short cut is too much for me at the moment. DH is hoping I will cut it soon- I think a lot of it comes down to him not liking change

[Hepzibar]

I had long blonde hair and just like OP, I had it cut to a chic chin length style. DH never said a word, never mentioned it, ever. I felt invisible.

I honesty think I would have preferred him to say he didn't like it, rather than not say anything. Any opinion is better than complete indifference.

[2kids2dogsnosense]

You probably look great and perhaps it makes him feel insecure so he said it to knock your confidence a bit.

This ^^^^!

Maybe he isn't happy because you didn't tell him you were going to change your look. TBH, I think long hair can be more ageing than short (depending on the individual, and the cut). I suspect that you look very sharp, and professional and independent, and as Ptero says - it threatens him.

[Mindfields]

He's a treasure isn't he? I'd immac the fucker's head in his sleep then tell him being bald makes him look really old

Sorry but I did snigger at that

AnchorDownDeepBreath - How do you get long hair "accidentally cut off"

OP I bet you look lovely

[gubbygubby]

I'm still hanging on in there. 4dc , 2 being assessed for ASD , leaving not an option.
Very complicated. I've got no sex drive , I actually think that that comment is why I stopped having sex. He then had online flirtations. I am frozen sexually . Can't describe it.
He says I don't touch him.
I feel he's lucky I'm still here . 🙄

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

gubby that's shite, could he leave? I bet you would be happier without a verbally abusive twat in your life.

[WorraLiberty]

You probably look great and perhaps it makes him feel insecure so he said it to knock your confidence a bit.

Or he just doesn't like it yet and thinks it makes the OP look older.

[MixedUpConfusion]

When I was 28 perms were all the rage and I looked like Marge Simpson...

[Ta1kinpeece]

I'm 51.

How hard did you hit him ?

[JaceLancs]

Ex DP hated my hair when I went from long to a pixie style in my mid 30s - it suited my mood and lifestyle at the time, because he made such s thing about it I didn't grow it long again until after I asked him to leave
We are still friends years later and he always tells me he prefers me with long hair!

[gubbygubby]

He is far from perfect but my life would be worse without him.
I suspect he may be on the spectrum too .
He gets up at 5.30 and does jobs for my business. Is a brilliant day. Waits on me hand and foot. Is emotionally stunted. But is practically a very good husband. I don't want to be on my own and broke with 4 high needs DC .
I know he sounds terrible and I can't defend his comments. Watching him tenderly attend to the ASD DC overrides my feelings

[Happyhippy45]

Sounds like he opened his mouth and let his belly rumble. He apologised so move on.
I once got my long hair (down to my bum always tied back) cut to just above my shoulders when DH was at work. After work DH parked in our driveway and saw "a strange woman" in our kitchen. He jokes and say he didn't mind because she was making my dinner. I'm not sure if he liked it or not. I didn't ask.

He once got all his hair shaved off when he was away from home. Met him at the airport and actually screamed when I saw him I was so shocked!

[Spudlet]

There would be frost forming inside the windows for a long time if dh came out with anything like that. The correct response to new hair is, 'You look gorgeous'. Honesty can be saved for pre-haircut discussions. Once the hair is on the floor it's too late, and you're not being honest, you're being a tactless twat.

[Hassled]

gubby - I'm sorry. I can quite see how a comment like that would just freeze you.

I had quite a radical hair cut on Thursday. Same colour, but it's gone from halfway down my back to a nice middle-aged chin-length bob (I felt I was dangerously close to mutton territory before). DH still hasn't mentioned it. While it's more than possible he hasn't noticed (or does he hate it?), we're now in some sort of hair stand-off. I'm just going to see how long it takes - and meanwhile, as Hepzibah said, it makes me feel invisible. Hair is important, dammit.

[Biffsboys]

God he's allowed an opinion surely ? If he had hair you loved and shaved it off I'm sure you'd say something ? It's just a comment - don't take it to heart

[Lanaorana1]

He probably misses your long hair and thought it made you beautiful to him. He'll get over it, and so should you. Bet you look lovely.