To buy DD a whole new wardrobe for a completely ridiculous reason.

[WitchOfEorzea]

Have NC for this as deep down I am aware this is completely batshit.

I went into DD's nursery today. It was for a meeting with dd's senco (asd)

She was a little late so I spent a bit of time in the nursery watching dd.

When I left I was in bits.

When I was at school it was difficult for me to fit in. For a start I have high functioning autism BUT on top of that....

A he-man bobbed lego haircut. Dresses that would have suited a 50's pair of curtains, clumpy practical shoes, nothing girly or sparkly and I was torn to pieces by other girls.

Now fast forward to today and dd was sat on her own, in mismatched clothes because frankly anything she'll actually wear is a win (refuses), hair just brushed and her favourite wellies.

There was a gaggle of girls (yes I know, I know they are 4) making a fuss of this other girl because she had a sparkly hand bag and shoes.

I'm probably not explaining this very well. I just saw dd on her own (I know also asd is a big part of it) and this other group bonding over pretty hair clips and well....stuff I just haven't been doing for dd.

Getting a brush through her hair everyday is done but no fancy plaits or anything because she hates me touching it.

Clothes: I've never really chosen any for her. Older family members have always bought her so many (plus hand me downs from friends) that I've never had to.

I just feel like it may be like a small thing but that I'm setting her up to have a harder time like I did.

Is there a site anywhere for 'toddler fashion', where can I get a spirally handbag?

Have I gone completely insane?

[ayeokthen]

It really did! When he was diagnosed I was constantly told "he'll never do this, he'll never do that, blah blah". I told them all to fuck off, because he can do anything he wants to do!

[WitchOfEorzea]

Oh wow!

I want those sketchers! 😂

I bet she'd love those and the led trainers actually, she loves anything that lights up.

[pugsake]

You sound like a lovely mam

Your DD is lucky to have such a caring mam

[WitchOfEorzea]

ayeokthen that is exactly how I feel!

We have lucked out with a really nice paediatrician (sp?) though. She's very 'You want to do it, you do it girl' when dd has told her her interests (currently wants to be a sort of space going David Attenborough - thanks discovery channel) 😊

[WitchOfEorzea]

Thank you 😊

[wowwee123]

google the skechers if buying theyre often cheaper on amazon, sports direct, m&m direct.

they are lovely shoes though and worth the money. very girly and im sure she would set a trend in nursery with those sparklers.

[Hamiltoes]

Sainsbos and Asda have fabulous cheap glittery shit wellies in just now. Not too pricey.

[ayeokthen]

That's great that you have a positive paediatrician DS is hypersensitive to sounds, yet with ear defenders regularly goes to football games (60,000 attendance) and has played in a Brazilian samba band in the Royal concert hall in Glasgow. Of course there are some things he struggles with, and always will, but he'll never be held back by what other people think. Sounds like your DD has the best mum behind her, she'll fly with your support

[Dafspunk]

I don't think it's ridiculous. Not quite the same but I used to wonder how my mum could not see (or did not care - I never worked out which) that LITERALLY every single other girl had a certain pair of shoes, a particular style of tracksuit (yes, I'm talking about when the shell suit came out), a style and length of school skirt, I could go on and on... Yes, you can talk about individuality and character building, etc, etc but sometimes it's nice just to fit in, for whatever stupid reason, and not pretend that you don't care that you don't have the latest fashion.

At least you're conscious of wanting to support your DD, OP. She may decide sparkles aren't for her or that she doesn't want to be the same as the crowd but it sounds like you're at least going to give her the decision, which warms my heart. Good on you.

Phew, that was cathartic - sorry to go on!

[ayeokthen]

Dafspunk I wondered exactly the same about my mum! She said it was character building, the only thing it built was a nervous wreck crippled by anxiety.

[pugsake]

If she needs a winter hat for nursery Asda (I don't work for them honest) have a silver one with a glittery (obviously) crown on.

DD is a bugger for any type of hat but she loves her crown one.

[ViolettaValery]

If she wants to be a space-going David Attenborough she sounds completely awesome

This is just a thought and I may be wrong but do you enjoy clothes now yourself? If she sees you taking pleasure in things like that she may be more inclined to think that way herself? Not that I advocate turning little girls into sparkly clones but I know what you mean - at least you want access to that world.

[Lilacpink40]

"Dd looked perfectly happy jumping on her own, the sadness was all mine!"

She may have an inner confidence to think fussing over a bag is boring. After you left she may have engaged with other DCs. My DS has had signs of ADHD since 3 and now, three years on, it's fairly obvious he has it. He makes friends but sometimes needs a break to be alone making noises to himself without interruption.

Having said that, sparkly wellies sound fun!

[MissWillaCather]

I wouldn't bother, it just masks the differences temporarily.

Dd had the most amazing wardrobe, but her struggles continue to this day, it just doesn't work like that; I wish it did.

[EllenJanethickerknickers]

I get you as well, OP. My DS2 has ASD and is 17 now. I have always been conscious that he shouldn't look like he's been dressed by his mum. You know what I mean? Years ago DC or young adults with SN always seemed to be dressed in tank tops and stay pressed trousers when their NT peers were in jeans and tee shirts. I have no idea what fashionable 17 yo boys wear these days but it's still my job to buy clothes for my DS2 as he's completely uninterested. I'm lucky to have DS1 who's 19 to give me some guidance, though even he is more geeky than fashionable.

It's all skinny jeans and hoodies here. I can't afford Jack Wills or Hollister but Primark with the occasional TKMAX bargain seems to be fine. (I hope)

[albertcampionscat]

Is there stuff that your daughter might like or at least tolerate that wouldn't cost too much but would help her fit in harmlessly? Glittery wellies sound nice. Frozen? Little toys?

[mysteryfairy]

My DS1 is at uni now. Looking back I can remember various clothing related issues - insistence on only wearing one specific sort of trainers and no school shoes, a massive aversion to anything the colour of his school uniform (but school was awful at the time so maybe that was fair enough), an absolute refusal to get hair cut and some sensory issues. He still has very focussed interests and I suppose always will. One of the more recent ones is fashion and he knows everything about and is very into some expensive brands. His other current interest, apart from his degree subject which has been a life long obsession, is football, which does mean that his conversation can seem relatively mainstream initially. However I don't think it would take anyone that long to realise he is a very distinctive character, so I'm really not sure that the 'right' clothes can really change anything.

[CancellyMcChequeface]

Another perspective - nothing wrong with buying your child clothes 'to fit in' at this age, but make sure they're comfortable and suit her.

I have ASD and had zero interest in clothes until my mid-teens. I didn't fit in at school at all, and my mother bought me trendy clothes to try to make up for it - the problem being that sports-brand tracksuits were the fashion at the time. I was a bookish little girl with big round glasses. I have the photos and I looked ridiculous in those clothes - worse, in my opinion, than I did in the mismatched clothes I picked when I could choose for myself. I didn't fit in any more when wearing the fashionable clothes, but it made my mother feel better, I guess?

As an adult I dress in what I guess is a slightly eccentric but not outlandish way, and I can make adjustments that wouldn't have been allowed when I was a child because they're 'not normal' like wearing socks inside-out so I don't feel the seams.

You said you're autistic yourself so maybe none of this is new to you - sorry, if that's the case! But I wanted to share in case it's something else to think about. If your DD loves sparkles and glitter, that's great! But if she's a tomboy, or wants to wear only green and blue, or anything else that's a bit different, it's more important to value her for who she is than want her to look like she fits in.

I was much happier when I stopped worrying about not being like other people, anyway. :)

[SE13Mummy]

I don't think wanting your DD's clothes to help her fit in with her peers is a ridiculous reason for updating her wardrobe at all! Seeing your DD sitting alone would have been hard even without your own experience. Combine it with your childhood experience of similar situations and your response is very logical.

For what it's worth, DD2 (now 7) has never really 'got' fashion. She's the child who, when singing with the school choir, surrounded by her friends in pretty dresses, is wearing her favourite denim dungarees. She values comfort (and the colours grey or blue) over fashion or peer pressure. Her favourite clothes (apart from the dungarees) are jersey fabric dresses from H&M (they have loose waists) or from Me&I. She wears them over plain, long-sleeved t-shirts and leggings from H&M.

Because she goes to a school where there is no uniform, DD2's dress sense is on show all the time. She has a Me&I dress with red cars on it which is a hit with boys and girls (look on ebay for secondhand ones if your DD likes red).

Try buying your DD a few things to try. You can always return items to the shop if they're rejected. Good luck!

[DemonNameChanger]

One of my girls with asd is pink & glitter obsessed & it started mostly in nursery where she liked to have what other girls did

But it's still allways mismatched, and she still loves all clothes with animals on them

M&s & Claires accessories do great child like pink sparkley bags, next& vertabaudet do great cute wellies, & h&ms are the best for animams on dresses & ts & lots of glitter. They have a super cute pink poncho that has animal ears ontop & pink fluffy claw pockets.

But you should make sure she would actually like this stuff- my kids only wear what they like & find comforting

There are hundreds of different things that go into friendships & popularity. Both mine have asd & one likes to be popolar but the other would hate the attension that sparkles stuff would get her. You might want to figure out if your girl would even want this attension.

[timelytess]

OP, I think you are wonderful. Get her any clothes you think she will wear and will help her fit in. My adult daughter is taking me shopping in a couple of weeks' time to help me find clothes that will help me fit in. We're HFA too.

[WitchOfEorzea]

Thank you

Today I have ordered a pair of those twinkle toes, a red sparkly handbag from next and am just sat with dh about to pick out some clothes and hair accessories from the fab sites you have given.

Dd wore a headband I'd picked up from Asda when she got from nursery and loved it so much I actually had a real problem removing it at bath time!

[WitchOfEorzea]

Forgot to mention we are also the proud owners of a pair of sparkly wellies from Asda!

I've saved those back to show her tomorrow morning

[wowwee123]

oh wow ur dd will be the star of the girly show at nursery tomorrow with all her sparkles and accessories.

great to hear she loved them, lovely.

[ayeokthen]

Lovely! You sound so happy, and your DD too. I like that.