Passive / Agressive Leaving Gift

[MadamCantona]

I used to work in a very male environment; the type of place where the testosterone was so heavy I started to grow a beard and most other females worked in an admin capacity.
I don't want to sound ungrateful (a theme that follows throughout this post) but I hate any leaving 'do' that involves me and tried to exit this role with as least fuss as possible. My leaving gifts were what you would expect from a load of men who chuck money at a problem at the last minute; massive flowers, chocolates and a gift card; obviously all women love chocolate and can easily manipulate a huge bouquet on the Tube whilst heavily pregnant (see what I mean about sounding ungrateful?). However, I know my ex-boss would have relegated the tedious task to his PA, a Lady - who I could not get on with at any level, despite doing all the usual when I started - why don't we do coffee/ lunch / drinks? Offering to help with business and social events etc.
I've just opened the gift card - it's a Cowshed gift card - lovely, you might say. However, it can only be redeemed in store - not online - and I have no idea what the value is so reluctant to re-gift and pass any possible 'schlep' on. I do wonder about the message of the card; 'Cow' being the operative word and that she must have gone out of her way to purchase it!

[HuskyLover1]

Nothing passive aggressive about this AT ALL. It's a lovely gift. You sound totally ungrateful. And a bit twisted, tbh. :-(

[BolshierAryaStark]

Has pregnancy sent you a little bonkers batshit crazy as I think you've gone waaaaaay past overthinking this one & arrived at an utterly bizarre conclusion tbh...?
Just phone them & ask how much is on the card.

[DiscoMoo]

I love cowshed stuff. It's on every Christmas and birthday list I give to DP. I'll gladly relieve you of the burden of having to spend it.
I actually think it's an incredibly thoughtful gift.

[gleam]

I agree with you, Op, I think it is PA. And the perfectly named gift for those who want to be a cow.

We all know what buying your MIL an Oxfam toilet means.

[Shockers]

I'm guessing she bought it online but didn't realise it couldn't be redeemed online.

I once bought my brother a voucher from a local dealership of a worldwide brand, not realising that it could only be redeemed at that branch. He was offended apparently. I wouldn't know, he hasn't really spoken to me since.

[Ldnmum2015]

I got a cowshed hand cream with a magazine once, they are really good, I think the name cowshed is a sort of reference to them being natural ingredients etc, but agree it is a stupid name and could be taken the wrong way, as for the flowers, that is just men for you, bigger is better etc, so I think they do care about you and will miss you, our security dept gave me a laminated a4 poster of them photoshopped on to resevoir dogs poster, they had even give themselves cheesy names, I still have it on my wal lol

[ItShouldHaveBeenJess]

By that logic, I should be going NC with my twelve year old niece for buying some (lovely) products from Lush for my birthday (am a recovering alcoholic)!

[RebeccaCloud9]

Eh Treat £200? Their eye cream is £25!

[RebeccaCloud9]

Oops sorry, Tread not treat!

[mscongeniality]

My DH treated me to the maternity pamper package at the Cowshed Spa in Shoreditch, it was heavenly. I love their products too. You are being quite ungrateful and reading too much into it.

[Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse]

Cowshed do a lovely Mother and Baby range....maybe that's why she got it for you?

[CasanovaFrankenstein]

They are called Cowshed because the first spa was in a converted Cowshed. There are various spas/shops, hope you get to spend it.

[RabbitsNap01]

I once got £17 as a leaving present from a particularly crap job, I wasn't there long and the entire place was depressing, on the whole I'd rather they hadn't bothered! I'd be a tiny bit suspicious of the cowshed stuff, but you're leaving so why worry? Focus on the future not the past

[craftwhore]

Total tangent:

Motherfuckers, you got something from the hairy growler? That's amazing!! Can we see?

Op, I think you might be a bit sensitive with your hormones ring them up, find out more, and enjoy!

[winefairyagain]

I would be thanking the PA. She has obviously done her research. Cowshed are one of the few spa's that have produced their own range both for pregnancy and mother and baby.

They were being thoughtful IMO. Flowers, chocolates and a well chosen gift voucher. What were you expecting?

Be thankful. Be gracious.

[MrsJ2Be]

Hello,

Whether you perceive it to be a passive aggressive act or not, Cowshed stuff is really nice, and not particularly cheap either. So ultimately, if they were being passive aggressive (and I'm not saying they were), the joke would be on them.

Cowshed have really fab pre and post natal treatments that you could take advantage of and I doubt their vouchers come in denominations under £10. Lol.

Think positive thoughts and enjoy!

[timeisnotaline]

This is really thoughtful! Cowshed do pregnancy massages, my sil bought me one when pregnant. You sound so unreasonable I do wonder why they went to the effort though

[MatildaTheCat]

Maybe the PA could have found the cleaning company, Dirty Cows and bought you some help in your filthy house,Mat least it would have saved you a journey.

YABU but for my 50th my wealthy SIL bought me a big bag of Jo Malone goodies. Was I happy? No. Firstly, it was easy, no personal thought at all whereas I'd spent ages and more than I could afford on hers. Secondly, every single product was a form of expensive air freshener, I kid you not, room sprays, diffusers, candle and what have you. She clearly thinks I'm a Dirty Cow .

[mathanxiety]

However, I know my ex-boss would have relegated the tedious task to his PA, a Lady - who I could not get on with at any level, despite doing all the usual when I started - why don't we do coffee/ lunch / drinks? Offering to help with business and social events etc.

This is what probably 90% of bosses would do. It doesn't mean they think the task is beneath them or too boring/tedious to warrant their attention. Many PAs do this sort of thing as part of their job remit and many would be horrified to think something they put effort into would be looked askance at. In this case maybe your boss figured his PA, being a woman, might have more insight into what you might actually like than he would. So the delegation might have indicated more thoughtfulness rather than less on his part.

It's not clear if you were offering to help out the PA or if she was offering to help you, but if you were offering to help her I hope you won't be tempted to do that again if you move to another job. Let the PA do what she has probably been doing - and doing well - long before you arrived. Also, if you are the one who wanted to do lunch/coffee/drinks, don't do that again unless you see others schmoozing with the boss' PA too. Many PAs try to stay well clear of that sort of situation because they find they are being used to ingratiate themselves with the boss, or pumped for information, or dragged into office politics, misquoted, etc.

Some PAs in very male dominated environments will reach out to a woman to show her the ropes but this can be discreet rather than overt in a place where the PA is trying to stay above the fray.

[RubbishMantra]

Cowshed also have counters in most department stores. Or you could ring them and request it be exchanged for a code that can be spent online.

Cowshed's lovely stuff, I use it myself. Prefer Molton Brown though.

[Dafspunk]

I wouldn't know that pregnant people/new mums are restricted to online shopping.

I heart Cowshed Shoreditch.

[ChocolateWombat]

Sorry, but I think you are projecting your feelings about your colleagues and work situation onto this gift.

Yes, it might be true that many men are not great at dreaming up thoughtful and personalised gifts for women, even their wives. They gave you a quality gift and made an effort to make that happen - seems good enough to me. Perhaps they didn't hold you in huge huge regard and feel they had to go massively out of their way to arrange a highly personal gift that loads of thought had gone into - in reality,mew tend to do that for very good friends only....and you just weren't their very good friend.

Asking the PA to do it, was actually probably a sign of being thoughtful. Perhaps they thought that as a woman, she would have more idea what you might like. Again, she might not have spent hours choosing....and that's fine too, but she did come up with a very decent gift, regardless of whether the 2 of you have hit it off in the past or not.

Just have a think about your attitude towards all this. If I were you I'd make sure I send in a really nice thank you card to your colleagues, with a friendly and appreciative message in it. It might help you to start feeling more positive and see the good rather than the bad about the workplace....and also it's good to keep positive communications open with them. Perhaps you might work there after the baby, perhaps you'll need a reference in future.....do you want to be remembered as the ungrateful cow who left the office to have a baby....its very easy to give off that impression without saying a word. If you display your attitude towards them or have done in the past, I would say that you are probably contributing to the perhaps old-fashioned and prejudiced view you think they have of women in the workplace. Get over these feelings, get positive and move on. Sounds like this is your problem and not theirs!

[mathanxiety]

I agree with you there, ChocolateWombat.

[CrotchetQuaverMinim]

I'd have had no idea that you wouldn't want flowers on the tube, pregnant or not. It wouldn't have occurred to me that they'd get in the way. It's mostly not that crowded when I've been, or I've waited for a less crowded one. I don't live there so I realise I'm not aware of how busy they are in rush hour, but I honestly wouldn't have considered that flowers would be out. Not because I was being inconsiderate, but just because if you don't take that line, or not regularly, or not at the worst times, etc, you might well not have any idea. Maybe she hoped you'd get a seat and they'd be easier to carry?! Maybe she doesn't even know how you get to work, or didn't think about that, and just thought how nice flowers can be.

And the voucher sounds thoughtfully chosen - maybe she assumed that on maternity leave you might want to go out, either before or after the baby, and pampering would be nice? OK, not your taste, clearly, but it doesn't sound at all passive aggressive. I can't imagine how you'd get that at all. Was it the name 'cow'?! Is that all? Wouldn't have crossed my mind to give or receive that with passive aggression in mind. Like someone else mentioned, the name Fat Face, for example, is totally dissociated from anything to do with the word 'fat'.

And chocolates. Excellent present.

[BravingSpring]

It's compulsory where I work all women to leave the office with flowers on their last day, it's the done thing. We usually get flowers and a voucher, maybe a bottle of something or chocolates depending how much the collection makes/why they're leaving. All sounds pretty standard to me.