To not be ashamed.

[sugarplumfairy28]

I'll try to cut a long story short. I am half English and half German. My parents were told that I didn't need dual nationality at birth as all of Europe would be come one and dual nationality within Europe wouldn't be a 'thing'. So I have always been British.

I have never fitted in with my English family, more in looks than anything, (I am short, red headed and very fair) it wasn't until I met my more extended German family I finally felt like I had a place within my family.

At school I was literally beaten for being German (my maiden name was a give away) Children in my neighbourhood were also fond of regularly beating me within an inch of my life. To make matters worse my parents put me in the middle of their differences, in making me choose between them and their methods on how to deal with the problem. I tried to commit suicide at 13.

Thanks to my Nan and my karate instructor, I somehow made it back on the road to normality. Among other things they taught me to be proud of who I am, and where I have come from, the struggles and my German heritage. 2 years ago I moved to Germany with my family. My children identify with being German more than English and both are almost fluent. During the EU referendum I was appalled by the hatred and xenophobia and decided that I do truly identify with being German and as such decided to formalise my German citizenship. In response to this, my Grandfather has publicly disowned me. That I have sided with the enemy and he hopes I find out the 'true nature of Germans'.

My parents have just been to the UK for a visit, my Grandad has said Germans are not welcome in his house and while my Mum can visit my Father no longer can - because of my decision. My brother had to be vetted before he was allowed to visit, in that he had to confirm he is not seeking a German passport. I have to be honest I am more than a little upset that my immediate family are not bothered that I am being treated for something I am legally entitled to, or the horrific way my Grandad has chosen to speak to me.

This is the question though, baring everything in mind. My Mum has asked that I keep quiet about the whole German thing, that I make no public statements about how I feel about my nationality. She is angry at me for putting her in the middle. AIBU in thinking that I shouldn't have to feel ashamed, that I should be allowed to be proud of who I am?

[SarcasmMode]

What a nasty bigot.

Sounds like your well shot of Grandfad c and anyone else who behaves like that.

Cherish the amazing German family you have.

[SarcasmMode]

Thing is if he had a nasty experience as a child you can't hold every German accountable - especially those not born yet.

It is a shame but he may well be going through a memory related illness or his late wife's anniversary of death had knocked him for six.

[buttercup54321]

So are you against the British or just your relatives?

[Justaboy]

Well..

I have a few German friends and acquaintances and they're OK people in my book, all well there:-)

My dad was in WW2 in the RAF and served abroad and captured a few "jerries" as he called them He said there're OK blokes really no different to us they like footie the same and beer, but it's just that bloke Hitler has shit stirred them up!

Racist English?. I could tell you a few tales of the French being a lot more racist than the Brits!

And as a classical music fan thanks very much Germany for giving us this lot to enjoy:-)

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_German_composers

[ItsJustNotRight]

A few years ago I was in Berlin and there were huge TV screens throughout the city broadcasting last night at the proms. Listening to Land of Hope and Glory echoing through the streeets was quite surreal.

[dailymaillazyjournos]

SugarPlum you are right not to feel ashamed because you have nothing to be ashamed of. I hate the fact that even now the German people are still having to atone for what happened last century. I reckon Angela Merkel's decision to offer asylum to high numbers Syrian refugees was partly to show that Germany is miles away from it's Nazi past.

I am Jewish and have a brother who has lived in Germany for over 30 years now. His first girlfriend in Germany (they were together 20 years before they split up) was accepted into our family with no problem. My parents (whose own parents fled from Russia during the pogroms) had no grudge against the German people.They accepted that many citizens had no choice but to co-operate with the Nazi regime and that this generation have nothing to do with that era. My Dad did say that he couldn't help but look at the older men there and wonder if they killed Jews. But he didn't let that stop him enjoying his visits there.
I love going to Germany. The people I've met over the years are loyal, kind, generous and interesting and some of the town and cities I've visited are stunning. I love the traditions (Karnival, Candlelight processions of kids on certain saints days, the Christmas markets and how communities get together to celebrate Christmas, Easter etc.
You should be proud of your German heritage and not let prejudice and xenophobia take that away from you.

[Memoires]

Please do not be ashamed of who you are, or embarrassed; shout it from the rooftops if you want to.

There are many people who voted for Brexit for reasons which had nothing to do with xenophobia; intelligent people who know that migrants have contributed enormously to our society, who welcome all nationalities, and have no bones to pick.

As for your granddad, I'm so sorry you have to suffer his opprobrium. He is the same generation as my parents - more or less anyway - but they had no problems with Germans. My dad studied music in Vienna before the war, and was horrified and disgusted at some things which were done in the name of victory, like the bombing of Dresden.

I do so hope that you can be reconciled with your grandfather in good time. I think you need to consider what you want to carry with you for the rest of your life, sadness and bafflement that your gf turned out to be different from how you thought, or anger and resentment towards him.

[Yoarchie]

At 84 I'd cut him some slack. I expect his junior age and into teens years were during the 2nd World War which was an utterly horrific time with a British and Germans on opposite sides. The misery experienced cannot be compared to any sort of modern lives lived in U.K./Germany now.

Anyway yanbu to take German citizenship and yanbu re kids being German. However why would you make a "public statement" about anything of this nature? I feel like you're a celeb on twitter or something

Added to which since you live in Germany and hav a German parent most will assume you have dual nationality anyway.

[Tezza1]

He is 84 AntiBoop he is of the baby boomer generation.
No, he's definitely not a baby boomer. Baby boomers were born from 1946 to approximately 1964, so anybody much older than 70 is not a baby boomer. At his age he lived through World War II, which might explain, but certainly not excuse, his attitude.

[Justaboy]

Memoires Yes the bombing of Dresden. If you can find it and there are some bits on you tube there was a film about that where a young RAF Pilot was taken in by a young German nurse and in the end they married after the war. It stared Felicitas Woll and IMHO was an excellent film.

[greenfolder]

It may well be dementia. My dnan who I had looked after and was her only relative who lived anywhere near suddenly took against me at about 80, to the point of dragging her cancer riddled bones to a solicitor and cutting me out of her will and as executor. She also through away all the family photos. It's hard. But protect yourself mentally and emotionally.

[myownprivateidaho]

Having lived through the war does not excuse this kind of behaviour, which is not normal for people of that generation. Agree that your grandad sounds unstable - whether this is age-related or just how he is I don't know. Honestly, it does not sound healthy for you to have contact with someone like this, nor your kids. I'm not feeling convinced that your mum is looking after your interests either. I'm so sorry for your childhood, and glad you've found a good life in Germany. I'd say just look after yourself, which includes protecting yourself from pain, and try not to expect support and love from those who do owe it to you but sadly are unable to provide it.

[PacificDogwod]

YANBU.

Your grandfather, and in fact your family and your upbringing sound deeply, deeply dysfunctional - I am so sorry you had these experiences.

Nationality is a 'feeling' (I am German, have lived in the UK for 23 years, I love my adopted home, but I just don't 'feel; British. There's of course nothing wrong with being British, but I happen to identify as German and I cannot see that changing) and you have decided where you feel at home and where you fit in - go for it.

My father is the same age as yours, he is of Eastern European origin, his family lost everything they owned in WW2 and he lived most of his childhood and youth in refugee camps. He has plenty of reason to be upset about recent historical events, but he is not bonkers. Your grandfather is either a horrible bigot or he is actually gradually dementing and undergoing some of the personality changes that can go with that.

Viel Glück!

[MirabelleTree]

Absolutely do not be ashamed and I'm so sorry you went through all that as a child - makes me great full for how little hassle I had in the grand scheme of things about my dual nationality growing up in the 70's and 80's.

Basically in theory your Grandfather needs to shut up and quickly and your Mum is very unfair and needs to stick up for you. However I agree that as his age there is a strong possibility of Dementia and after seeing your Grandmother go through to end stage Dementia I fully get why no one wants to go there.

[sugarplumfairy28]

AntiBoop Mum basically doesn't want me to say things like, I feel at home, that the people are nice or generous or how our local community have welcomed us and helped us beyond what I could ever have hoped for. It's not specifically a comparison and it's not singling out the British - it's how the Germans in general make me feel. Also not being openly affectionate or friendly with my German family on Facebook. There are so many events that happen and even that is taboo apparently, Laternefest Himmelfahrt, Karnival. Basically any indication that life here, for us, is better than in the UK.

Sarcasm it was his ex wife, who he bad mouthed whenever he got the chance. He only came to her funeral (it was in Wales) because it was a weekend getaway with his daughters. He made a very good job of making the whole thing incredibly awkward for everyone involved.

Buttercup The tipping point for me, was during the referendum all the hate and xenophobia, lack of tolerance. All of which was in the media here. I have spoken about it to so many people here and felt ashamed that they were concerned that I felt the same way as the media was reporting. It made me feel more like I belong here (regardless of the result) and therein I wanted to finally officially acknowledge it. My Grandad is the only person I know who has reacted like this. For a direct comparison my late Nans partner (my other Grandad) is roughly the same age, voted out, knows about my decision and loves me none the less.

[imnotreally]

I could understand if your mum wanted you not to make anti British comments but not saying how great your life is there.

Fwiw I grew up taking holidays to Germany and I frequently compare how things are done there to here. For starters the beer and wine is better.

I'd avoid deliberately antagonising him but not monitor everything I say.

[AbyssinianBanana]

Well your mother does have form in putting herself first, doesn't she? Now that you're an adult, I would tell her your life doesn't revolve around her needs.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

it was his ex wife, who he bad mouthed whenever he got the chance.

Tbf she was his exW. Many people on here complain about exH

[shovetheholly]

Your grandfather is a xenophobic bigot. There is no excuse for what he has done, which is hateful. I'm sorry you had such a rough time of it with violent bigotry when you were young - this current situation must bring back some very painful memories. I feel terrible and ashamed that you have experienced this in the UK.

Your parents should be sticking up for you more. Whatever nationality you are doesn't matter - families should love you for who you are.

Also, I would like to think that the lesson of WW2 was not "Germany is evil" but that humanity is banally evil - that, in the right circumstances, people will turn a blind eye even to mass murder and transform it into part of their everyday life. It is a lesson that goes far beyond nation, but people don't want to face that. We see the same thing now with climate change.

[mimishimmi]

My family were very mistrustful of Germans too and I think my grandfather would have a similar reaction. They also mistrusted the English.

[ZippyNeedsFeeding]

I grew up in Germany, and I understand exactly what you mean about the people being so welcoming and friendly. I loved it. There was a time when I could have moved back as an adult and I really regret not doing so.

Of course you should be able to talk about how you feel. if you were my family member I would be pleased that you are happy. Sometimes with families there just isn't a happy ending, but you have a great life with your children. It would be brilliant if your family could be glad for you, but if they can't then at least they don't live round the corner so you don't have to see them very often.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Your grandfather is a xenophobic bigot. There is no excuse for what he has done, which is hateful

If he has the onset dementia then there is a reason for it.

[Longlost10]

This has nothing to do with being German or English, there isn't any sort of difference. and there never has been, (except for those who were involved in the war, and are now senile and confused) This is to do with a family rift, and with bullying, neither of which would have been any different if everyone involved was English, or was German

[Rrross1ges]

So your Grandad is a bigot and your Mum is selfish (and possibly more bonkers than your Grandad). No wonder you moved to a different country. Do you think your mother is jealous of your new life? Her behaviour sounds petty and resentful.

Out of interest are your parents in the UK still?