AIBU to be utterly upset with my sons friend/neighbour?

[parry45]

So my sons best friend lives across the road from us. His mum works different hours, and quite often( maybe 2-3 times a week) he stays with us for an hour or 2 whilst she goes to work. Never a problem as he keeps my son occupied and they enjoy playing together. I even offered to pick him up from school any day as sometimes she's stuck and I'm picking my children up anyway. So....today she has shouted at my son as he knocked on the door to call for the friend at 12.30 this afternoon and she was sleeping. She has now said that he is not allowed to knock for friend anymore as his times are the wrong times and he's not even allowed in the garden. They went out, I looked over and yes...he was waiting outside the garden gate!. Aibu to be so annoyed about this to the point I feel I need to say something given the amount of time i have her son for her? He's around our house every day after school and like I said I also look after him too. My son is upset as he is confused by the whole thing and thinks he's done something wrong?

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

How can you call her friend if she treats your son like that. I rather be on my own than have a friend like that. Tell bossy boots you're busy that will piss on her chips. If she works from home why do you need to pick up her child. Do you really need a friend like that don't you value yourself. She sees mug written all over you. What are you worried about if you tell her no what can she do to you. Yes it will be uncomfortable for a while you'll get over it and so will she.

[SpartaCarcass]

It's not a very good lesson to teach your son. That friend's mother can treat him like crap and seems to actively dislike him and yet you still do massive favours for her. (Even though you say you are doing them for the friend not her).
I'd be backing off a bit and telling her it's not convenient for her son to come over. Or even directly ASK her why your son isn't allowed in her house. Say she has upset him and that for this reason you are wary of having her child so much as it is making your son feel rejected.

[Starlight234]

At year 5 I see my DS's friendships changing. I know he wants some other people over. I am a childminder so my nights are limited but yours shouldn't be.

This is not only free childcare but it is costing you money to feed this child.

I don't think you are the sort of person to just say I have had enough so tell her your will do it till half term then she needs to find alternative arrangements.

[Pagwatch]

You should start prioritising your son TBH. You are not at the moment.

[user1475175717]

Am I reading this wrong. He was still stood outside 5 hours later? Why didn't he just come in.

Stop the favours. But don't be the parent of the child knocking and pestering constantly after being told no.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

She works from home can she not find 30 minutes to pick up her own child. She is using her and the op don't want to tell her no. Treat me and my son like shit and I will still call you friend and look after your child.

I'm in shock I have to walk away from the thread. All I am going to say is your son deserves better. If her son wants to knock on your door then by all means let him in if you want to but do not allow that behaviour from the mother wicked witch to treat you like that.

[parry45]

I've never really thought about it until now.....they have been friends for about 2 years now I'd say and in all that time ds has been round thier a handful of times but only once in the house, just on the trampoline in the garden. It was never a set babysitting arrangement. It was ds friend asking me if he could stay here whilst mum goes to work, so I suppose it's just evolved from there and she worked out...well hey this is great. Yes "mug!"

[WicksEnd]

Most frustrating YANBU ever. FFS 😬 Go and tell her what you think of her woman!

[verystressedmum]

Why on earth are you protecting this other child? What about your son?

[notquitegrownup2]

Agree with those above who have said that this maybe indicative of mental health issues.

I think that it is lovely that this little boy has somewhere safe and friendly to go, if that is the case. If you are happy to have him over to play with your ds, because your ds enjoys playing with him then OK. I too grew up with a best friend whose mum was an alcoholic. We drifted apart in the end, but I'm glad she was able to come to us. The key is that you need to be in charge of what is happening in your home.

Do speak to the mum, to then be able to reassure your son. Maybe she was totally out of order. Then you can back him up. Maybe, just a possibility no-one has mentioned, could he have been rather heavy handed knocking, and startled her awake, or had he been knocking over and over? My ds had a pal who used to almost batter the door down, then greet us with a polite and cheery hello: I never could persuade him to knock gently. (I didn't yell at him, though did roundly tell off one other neighbour's son, who used to knock every five minutes or so, if we told him ds could not come out. After the eighth time of him battering at the door, during a family meal, I did rather let out my inner tyrant!)

HTH

[Pagwatch]

You really do need to stop being so lovely and helpful and start being sensible.
Because currently you are sacrificing your son for the good opinion of a woman who does not give a shit.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

You don't need to speak to her just say hello then good bye. It works well for me and tell her you're busy. Thats it no drama end of.

[Nikki1171]

Can I just play devils advocate and check if your son is a serial door knocker??! My DD has a friend and he starts knocking from 8.30am on a Sunday when he knows we don't get up till later. We quite often send him away 5 times before 11am! I have to bite my tongue as he is told every time we open the door that DD is still in pyjamas etc and will find him later but he never seems to hear this! If your son is maybe doing this then perhaps this is why she lost her temper??

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

Nikki my door would not be opened at them times. I would ignore him and carry on drinking my tea. If you keep on answering the door then he will always come back. If you stick to your guns and answer after 11am then eventually he will get it.

[Heidi41]

I am afraid I would be a push over too and I think this child may need you to be there for him op. I realise it isnt your responsibility but poor child he has to put up with her all the time no wonder he is over yours so much.

[IhatchedaSnorlax]

Don't let her walk over you or your son - speak to her to see if there was something going on but otherwise call the whole arrangement off (especially as your DS has noticed he's being used).

[CorkieD]

I'd feel very torn in the OP's situation.

First off, your neighbour sounds absolutely awful. What a horrible woman to shout at your DS. The best advice for dealing with such people is to completely avoid them. I'd even be reluctant to advise you to speak to her and give her a chance to explain it away as her bahaviour sounds that bad.

However, I would feel sorry for her child. I would have him round if your DS really likes having him over. I certainly wouldn't want your DS going round to your neighbour's house and I certainly would not do her any favours.

[parry45]

Thank you for your replies everyone. I am going over to see her today to get this sorted out.

[IamWendy]

Good for you parry! Remember that you have to report back to us, so no being a doormat!!! Do us proud!

[yorkshirepuddings]

It's a difficult situation. I wouldn't want to be treated as free childcare and that should stop. However, my son has a friend like this. Over the 10 plus years they have been at school together he has come to our house as often as he has wanted to. In the holidays I often feed him 2 meals a day. I take him for days out, to a joint hobby etc and never expect any money.

He isn't always happy at home and my son has rarely been in his house. Looking back I think he went once in the 6 week summer holiday.

He often doesn't have the money for a club they do so I will pay. Yes, it's frustrating, but he appreciates it. My husband also grew up in difficult circumstances and if we can make our son's friend a little bit happier then why not? We are genuinely fond of him and enjoy seeing him. To stop treating him the way we do would only impact on him and our son. It would make no difference to his parents.

[LucyLot]

YANBU at all I would be jabbing a word with her.

[CalmItKermitt]

What a horrible woman. I feel sorry for her son 😟

[InTheseFlipFlops]

There's two ways of looking at it
Either your providing her childcare
Or
Your sons has his mate round to play.
If playing with him makes your son happy and they get on well cut the mum out the equation, tell the boy he's always welcome. Especially as they get older it's less about childcare and more about your mates being round.