AIBU to be utterly upset with my sons friend/neighbour?

[parry45]

So my sons best friend lives across the road from us. His mum works different hours, and quite often( maybe 2-3 times a week) he stays with us for an hour or 2 whilst she goes to work. Never a problem as he keeps my son occupied and they enjoy playing together. I even offered to pick him up from school any day as sometimes she's stuck and I'm picking my children up anyway. So....today she has shouted at my son as he knocked on the door to call for the friend at 12.30 this afternoon and she was sleeping. She has now said that he is not allowed to knock for friend anymore as his times are the wrong times and he's not even allowed in the garden. They went out, I looked over and yes...he was waiting outside the garden gate!. Aibu to be so annoyed about this to the point I feel I need to say something given the amount of time i have her son for her? He's around our house every day after school and like I said I also look after him too. My son is upset as he is confused by the whole thing and thinks he's done something wrong?

[parry45]

She doesn't work nights. She is self employed and works during the day...latest I've known own is 8pm. I don't like confrontation at all, but I will see if it's the same tomorrow and the ds isnt welcome, still stands. If it does then I'll have to say something. Thank you ladies

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

He'll have to go to work with her.
Im sorry, Parry. However that is not your problem, or responsibility.
For God sake. Where's you fight and back bone. This is a women who will not allow your DS in her garden. Never mind the house, and yet you're going to spend 2 hours per night fussing over her child. And for fucking nothing. !!!!!!!Yes she might be up shit creek without a paddle, if you don't mind her D's, but. Perhaps she should have thought before she bit the hand that feeds her.
Being nice is one thing. Being a door mat. Is very much another.
Its not even like you're any better thought of, Is it.
Learn to say "No".

[NicknameUsed]

Maybe she was entertaining a gentleman friend.

[RootTeeToot]

Do you think it benefits your ds having this friend over to your house so often? Like Trojan says, they can play at school etc. And then you could free up time for him,to play with other children as well.

[ivykaty44]

How is are the boys!

I would ask her tomorrow what the problem was with D's knocking on the door at 12:30 as he thinks he has done something wrong and gas been banned from going in your garden.

Put the emphasise on thinks

Then having put the problem to her nicely

Let her explain her way out of it.?

[DinosaursRoar]

How old are they?!

She's seriously taking the piss, you do lots of free childcare and she doesn't even host the occisional playdate back to make it look like she's trying to pay you back? Stop it now.

I think you need to tell her that "the informal childcare for your son doesn't work for me anymore. I'll have [her DS] over to play sometimes, but it's getting a bit much, particularly as you never have them at yours to give me a break." deliver it with a smile.

She can pay for care or she can call in favours, but favours do normally have to be repaid.

[Cherrysherbet]

That's really rude of her. I would be annoyed too op. I'd have to say something. You are regularly taking care of her child, and your child is banned from her house for no reason? That's unfair on you and your Son, and needs addressing. Good luck x

[paulapantsdown]

We have had this almost exact situation - a neighbours kid who was always in ours getting fed and looked after, his mum happy to dump her kid on me whenever it suited her. Mine however was not allowed over the doorstep of his friends house.

I put a stop to it. My son has lots of other friends from nicer families in our neighbourhood.

Its all very well encouraging friendships and being a good neighbour, but don't get taken for a mug, or let your kid be either.

[bloodymaria]

I'm confused, was your DS stood outside her garden for 5 hours??

[MammouthTask]

I'm sorry but I think the neighbour's has taken advantage of your good nature since the word go.
Yoour ds has never been 'allowed' to go and play at theirs.
You have the friend over all the time and then you look after him after school too.
She has just pushed a tiny little bit more than what she has been doing anyway by saying clearly he is not welcomed at all.

At least now you know where you stand.

You need to decide first what are your boundaries, aka what do you think would be an acceptable behaviour from her. The friend being there all the time but your ds not even allowed to call for him?
Your ds going to theirs some of the time?
Are you going to continue the childcare?
Then go and see her and be assertive. Tell her what you aren't happy about and what you would like to see happening.

As for your ds, explain he needs to make the difference between his friend and his mum. The boy might be a really child and a good friend whilst the mum isn't as nice..

[parry45]

Sorry he wasn't stood outside her garden for 5 hours. Ds called for friend at 12.30....got shouted at. About 2 hours later friend calls for ds and they play. Friend tells me he has to report home for 5.30pm so ds goes with him. That's when I see him standing outside the gate. They are both 9, year 5 primary.

[bbcessex]

How old are the boys OP?

[bloodymaria]

Also, sorry - yanbu. She sounds like a pisstaker.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

Iliveinalighthousewithaghost is right.

You are also teaching your son to be a pushover like yourself.

What she did to your son was utterly mean and humiliating.

You need to grow a pair!

No need to lose your cool, but you need to spell a few things out to her.

If she's pig-headed about it. End the current child-minding, and she'll soon come back with an apology as I'm sure she'll hate taking her son to work with him moaning that he wants to be at your house!!

[Meadows76]

Is it possible she has mental health issues regarding people entering her house? I know someone who absolutely breaks down at the mere thought of a visitor, she is an old friend and in our group we just accepted that she couldn't have us round. She may not be on a piss take, just extremely guarded

[DinosaursRoar]

I would stop having him over at all for at least until after half term - get those boundaries in. Your DS can play with him at school.

Arrange to have other children over to play, ideally with parents who'll have him back.

She's got so used to using you, she's stopped even pretending this is about facilitating a friendship between your boys.

She can make other arrangements, and those aren't your problem, so don't worry about it or let her make you think that finding solutions is your job.

[DinosaursRoar]

Meadows - but then she could take both boys out somewhere to do her 'turn'. She could not accept favours she knows she can't repay.

[Onnapostit]

My childhood neighbour was like this woman. Her daughter was always over at our house, at all hours yet I rarely got to go over to her house. They moved away when I was about 9.

When we were all adults I bumped into the daughter on a night out and got reminiscing. She told us that her mother had been an alcoholic throughout her childhood so us not being allowed in to play made so much sense.

[Mistletoekids]

She sounds like she has serious issues

I would also be encouraging my child to move on to other friends .

If that's how his minor her treats children of those who help her out who knows what else is going on

Prob for the best your son isn't allowed in!!! Imagine what she's up to behind closed doors

[Mistletoekids]

*mother

[McBinkers]

I would soon put an end to all the free childcare she's been getting. Yes, your son may enjoy playing with her son but it has to be give and take to a certain degree. Not entirely one sided, she is taking the piss!

[PterodactylToenails]

Yep I would have to have a word with her. I wouldn't have her shouting at my son full stop.

[foursillybeans]

I appreciate that you don't like confrontation but I think this can't go undiscussed. She is not treating you or your son in a decent manner. She is walking all over you and then being rude to your son's face. You are teaching your son a terrible life lesson if he thinks it's ok to be treated that way. I would also stop the organised childcare for her unless you get an apology from her.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Agree with what several people have said above. It is very important to teach your child that if someone is unpleasant to you then you don't do them favours in return. It is also very important to teach your child that if someone is unpleasant to them - then you have their back.

[Pagwatch]

Yep.
You are afraid of confrontation so you are justifying your son being treated like crap. And teaching him to accept being treated like crap too - and think about his poor friend.
[sigh]