To want to move my daughter into private education?

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Here's the back story, my Dd went to a fabulous infant/junior school she thrived there and was very happy, Dh got poached from a company so we moved and enrolled the kids into a new school also have a. Ds at school but we have 4 kids in total two not at school.
Ds is getting on really well but DD is struggling to adjust to the. New school it's a much larger school than she was at previously and has faced a lot of bullying.
Including threats of violence and actual violence I.e kicking being hit on the head.
She's happy with the work and is excelling and by all accounts a model pupil but is struggling with the other children. She's on her own at lunchtime as she doesn't feel able to approach these new kids.
I feel so bad for her especially as she sees Ds getting on so well with the other kids.
She is a gentle soul I've found an all girls private school and she's willing to move and is very happy of the idea.
But Dh says if Ds can't go to a private school then DD shouldn't go.
I'm torn he really likes he's new school and is very settled, he has ASD along with ADHD so I don't want to up heavel him again. DD wants to be a paediatrician I'm worried that if she carries on at this school she will loose her love for learning and just plod through the school years there. Would I be a terrible parent to send her? P.s sorry for the long post I didn't want to drip feed the information.

[Noofly]

I have two children at private school. DD just started this year while DS has been there for three years. If DD hadn't gotten in, we wouldn't have pulled DS out, so I have no problem with sending one child private and the other to state school.

However, I would never send a child to a school with a class size of 9. That is far too small and lends itself to even more friendship problems, IMO. I'd also be worried about the financial health of a school that small and how much they can offer in terms of extra curricular activities and curriculum (if it's a 3-18 school and not just a junior school).

[wigglesrock]

It's a horrible situation - your poor dd. My concern would be that you say you can manage the expense by cutting back. Would that be cutting back on things/extra curricular activities/family holidays/days out that the other kids enjoy? Would they be having less in order to give your daughter more?

[eyebrowsonfleek]

Is it just until she's 11? (Year 7)

I think that 9 is way too small a class and its extremely risky when social factors are a big motivator for your move. A Queen Bee/bully character would have more power in a class of 9.

I think your dd needs to move school but this schools sounds like too big a risk.

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Thanks everyone for replying, when I say cut back I mean we could afford the 20k in tuition for both of the elder two if we cut back abit like less weekends away not eating out as much, cutting back on buying gadgets etc.
My other two children are 2 and 5 months.
DD is a gentle soul she prob could fight back but she wouldn't even dream of it she would and does just take it on the chin and move on, the latest is a boy told her he's going to have a fight with her in the playground and threatened her so much that two other boys had to intervene and told her they wouldn't let him hurt her!
When I've discussed this with her teacher who didn't even ask the two boys what happened! But he has issues and is getting extra support. Thats what I was told she then told me that she didn't realise that DD is on her own at break and lunch!!

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Thanks everyone for replying, when I say cut back I mean we could afford the 20k in tuition for both of the elder two if we cut back abit like less weekends away not eating out as much, cutting back on buying gadgets etc.
My other two children are 2 and 5 months.
DD is a gentle soul she prob could fight back but she wouldn't even dream of it she would and does just take it on the chin and move on, the latest is a boy told her he's going to have a fight with her in the playground and threatened her so much that two other boys had to intervene and told her they wouldn't let him hurt her!
When I've discussed this with her teacher who didn't even ask the two boys what happened! But he has issues and is getting extra support. Thats what I was told she then told me that she didn't realise that DD is on her own at break and lunch!!

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

I'm not worried about her education at the moment she has said a few times that the work she gets given is easy. She does have a passion for learning and is a little book worm, but I'am worried that if this carries on she will just give up and this will affect her future. I know private schools isn't always the best way to go she was in a brilliant state school before we moved and was get happy there. But it was a little village school with smaller-classes. Than she has now also the area we are in now is different to the village life we had before more children and different ways of up bringing. I hope this dose make me sound bad I'm not wanting to do this to make my daughter stand out or oh well she goes to private education or it will look good on a cv or uni applications im generally worried I've also been looking into hiring a tutor we could find one for 2/3 hours a day during the week or more. But then I think that will isolate her more rock and a hard place here

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Panic mode
If DD was happy to continue I would let her stay there for secondary.
The other reason I don't want to move DS not just because he's happy and settled but because they can offer him tailored support at that school they have a special unit that he could go to for learning if being in the classroom was to much.
They can't offer my DD that as she's not got any special needs.
DH is against it not just because of the costs but wanting to send her to a girls meaning is DS did want to swap he couldn't attend the same one as DD.

[Panicmode1]

In that case, I think that you really do have to weigh up what is best for your daughter, and move her if that is what you think will be best in the long term. However, as I said before, I would be REALLY wary of putting her into a class of 9 - as lots of people have said, there are possibly more opportunities for bullying and no escape with such a small group. I looked at several schools for DS, including all of the local private ones, and although I liked the small school the best, 10 was too small - particularly as it was mixed, so there were even fewer boys. I agonised about moving one to private when the others are all in state (DH and I were both privately educated and always said that we wouldn't do it unless we can send all four), but in the end, felt that the older two were thriving in their state grammars, my youngest is very happy in state primary and so I had to do the best for the child that was being bullied and having his self esteem damaged and his long term mental health and wellbeing damaged - if that meant moving him to a happier, safer environment, then we would do so. Luckily, he's now much happier, the bullying seems to have stopped*, he's got a great teacher this year and fingers crossed we don't have to move him now before secondary.

(*I didn't really put the whole story before - my (8 yo) son went from being happy, outgoing and positive to crying every day. The bullies were his ''friends'' and although I had been into school countless times, the school didn't do anything - until I spoke to the parents of the children involved (naively I thought the school would have told them - saving me the embarrassment of telling my friends what their children had been up to) and the parents then went into school to ask what was going on, at which point the school took notice and put a plan in place - which so far is working. So although, yes, the school did sort it out, it was only when I was on the cusp of moving him and talking to the governors/parents of the children involved that they did so. If you don't think that the school you have moved her to will take this seriously and act, then I think you have to move her).

[Panicmode1]

Phew, sorry, that got v long!

Good luck with the decision anyway - I know how difficult it is.

[BabyGanoush]

Could you not send her to another state school?

What would happen if your other kids also are unhappy at school, could you afford to move all of them?

I'd hold my horses for a bit and try another state school first.

[Humidseptember]

I would remove my DD from any school if there was repeated physical attack.

Sorry but there is no need for it, and the school should be doing much more and I would never want my dc to experience physical or mental abuse in their school day.


You situation is not normal is it - so you cannot compare like for like. Why dont you set aside the money you would have spent on fees for your ds for him later on?

I would remove your dd instantly and get her into private without a doubt before her self esteem and confidence is damaged any further. I would not persist in this situation one more day.

[Humidseptember]

I think that 9 is way too small a class and its extremely risky when social factors are a big motivator for your move. A Queen Bee/bully character would have more power in a class of 9

want to disagree with this, as small classes can mean closer friendships, everyone has to muck in and get along.

[Seeyouontheotherside]

I would send her, she deserves not to be faced with bullying and violence every day. No adult would be expected to tolerate that, it's disgraceful that children are. The school won't improve as it's shown they don't care about bullying. Your son is doing well there so there's no need to move him.

In my very large family we went to a mixture of state and private, day and boarding depending on what suited our individual needs best. It sounds so strange to hear parents say that if they send one child to a certain school, all must go, purely on principle and regardless of what's best for the individual child. You don't sacrifice one kid out of some warped sense of fairness to another..... I'm sure your son would much prefer his sister to be in a school where she can be safe and thriving. She deserves and needs that.

I wonder where your husbands protective instinct is? How can he not even care for what she's faced with and want to continue putting her in such a terrifying position every day? If I were you, that would really make me think a lot less of him, being polite.

[mathanxiety]

Why is your DH putting DS before DD in every single argument here?

She must put up with a very poor situation 'just in case' DS wants/needs - some time in the future?

DH doesn't see that the school offers what DS needs despite it not costing you, but it is not offering DD what she needs, so despite being able to afford it, the money can't be spent on her?

I am with Seeyouontheotherside wrt how I saw DH over this.

[BarbarianMum]

So the school is so bad at dealing with bullying that the OP's dd must be removed immediately but it's OK for her ds who has ASD (which can often make children very vulnerable to bullying) to continue to be sent there?

That makes no sense.

[nocampinghere]

move her.
you do the best for each child. doesn't mean you do the same.

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Barbarianmum,
It's because my son has the option to either have 1.1 or attend the unit if he's finding being in the classroom to difficult My DD doesn't have that option the only thing she can do and does do is goes to the library at break and lunchtime to get a book.
DS could also use a different playground

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Panicmode, I'm so glad it's working out for you're DS fingers crossed it continues.
I have sent DD in with her mobile today and told her to phone me if she needs me to malamute she knows she has support and hopefully it's made her feel abit better.

[ladylanky]

It's worth considering the effect of giving one of your children an expensive advantage that you don't give to the others in the future. Private schooling isn't perfect but it tends to lead to better grades and better life chances. The social circles and skills that privately educated children aquire are aimed at giving them an advantage when they leave school. Fabulous if you can afford it I'm sure but if you send one child and not another then make sure you are prepared to deal with any resentment this might cause as they get older. In 10 years time your other children might feel differently.
All that said one of my cousins went to private school and her younger sister didn't and they're both very well adjusted adults with no problems with it. The state school educated cousin is a doctor now and very happy with that! Not guaranteed to cause a problem but I would be what I'd be concerned about

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Thanks seeyouontheotherside and Mathsanxiety.
I have taken every single comment on board and will proceed to relay the points put across to DH, I will speak to DD and her teacher again today. We did discuss her having a book to write incidents down due to others not being recorded. I will see how this has gone. I've got two schools in mind one an all girls school and one a mixed so if DS did need to move we could. But as I said he's very happy there and has thrived I'm loathed to move schools with him again.

[funfunapple]

9 in a class is just too small. DD has 11 girls in her class and at times there are real issues in the class with the queen bee and it's hard on the girls who aren't her chosen friends that week. The school do deal with it well and there are also 11 boys to soften things a bit and that helps but I would not be happy with a class of 9 and no boys. For a girls school I really think that you need at least 15 or preferably 18-20 to make sure there's a big enough mix of characters. The other thing with 9 girls is that it really makes it hard to get decent sports teams together unless they combine years for sports eg 3&4 play sports together and 5&6 play sports together

[Humidseptember]

Seeyouontheotherside Thu 15-Sep-16 12:52:04 I agree with every word

Maybe you need to set some paid heavies onto your DH, attack him - every day and see how he feels?

I too cannot believe we put DC through this.

Your dh sounds a little dim to be honest. Sometimes you just have to act according to your instincts.

Better for him to say years down the line " I regret not supporting dd and moving her sooner to where she is happy and thriving " to " I regret not listening to you and putting dd through years of bullying, crushing her self esteem to nothing, when one word from me would have changed the course of her now - ruined child hood"

[Humidseptember]

sorry that wasnt clear

I meant " I regret not supporting YOU moving to dd sooner ( which you did)

[LauraVonSlim]

We had a similar situation with out two (older DD, younger DS) and we moved DS to a nearby private school. I really struggled with feeling like I was favouring my son but my daughter was adamant that she didn't want to move and she is getting on well where she is.

I spoke at length to the private school about their anti bullying policies and was happy that they would be much more pro-active about dealing with any issues that the state school he was at. He has been there for 3 terms now and is so much happier. He used to say he hated school, and was scared that *joe was going to kill him. Properly terrified, and nothing I could say could make that better for him as however much I tried to work with the school, nothing was changing.

Although there are only 12 boys in his class, it is a two form school and they very much socialise as a year group so 24 makes it much easier for them to find friends etc. Is it just one form of 9?

We will be able to move my daughter to private at senior school if that's what's best for her although it will mean belt tightening.

I came to the conclusion that treating both children fairly, absolutely does not mean treating them the same. I don't regret the decision at all. It has absolutely been the best thing for my children. I agree with others - I think you really need to push your husband on why it is more fair to make your daughter suffer, just because your son is getting on well with the new school.

[Humidseptember]

fun not every small class is going to be like yours though is it.
I had one and it was fine, we formed very close friendships.

You cant make a decision based on that - you just have to deal with it - IF it arises.

I just couldnt say goodbye to my dd every day and send her into a place that was not protecting her at all, and she was not safe. I couldnt do it.