To want to move my daughter into private education?

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Here's the back story, my Dd went to a fabulous infant/junior school she thrived there and was very happy, Dh got poached from a company so we moved and enrolled the kids into a new school also have a. Ds at school but we have 4 kids in total two not at school.
Ds is getting on really well but DD is struggling to adjust to the. New school it's a much larger school than she was at previously and has faced a lot of bullying.
Including threats of violence and actual violence I.e kicking being hit on the head.
She's happy with the work and is excelling and by all accounts a model pupil but is struggling with the other children. She's on her own at lunchtime as she doesn't feel able to approach these new kids.
I feel so bad for her especially as she sees Ds getting on so well with the other kids.
She is a gentle soul I've found an all girls private school and she's willing to move and is very happy of the idea.
But Dh says if Ds can't go to a private school then DD shouldn't go.
I'm torn he really likes he's new school and is very settled, he has ASD along with ADHD so I don't want to up heavel him again. DD wants to be a paediatrician I'm worried that if she carries on at this school she will loose her love for learning and just plod through the school years there. Would I be a terrible parent to send her? P.s sorry for the long post I didn't want to drip feed the information.

[Jantutor]

tryingtogetthroughlife thanks for the support. We're very happy even when counting the £1 coins

[ladylanky]

I wasn't really talking about it improving her grades, I just meant that private school is intended to give an advantage and if you pay a pretty substantial amount of money for one child to receive that advantage, even if you don't think it will benefit her in that way, then you need to be aware that it could cause resentment with your other children in the future.
Just something to consider, your younger children won't care now obviously. They might in 10, 15 years time - worth baring in mind

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Well great news ladies DH has agreed to look into moving DD fingers crossed we find a good school.
Thankyou for all the advice given and for sharing you're own stories it's really helped. Me with the guilt feeling and strengthened my decision that this is the way forward.
I will also take into account going for a class size that's too small.
Thanks again you all rock

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Hpandbaconsandwhiches, this has been going on since she started. She joined the school about 6 months ago I was dealing with the teacher and deputy head then. Now she's got a new teacher who is trying to tell me that nothing has been logged and she knows nothing about this. I just don't want her to continue being treated like this.

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Jantutor, I'm so glad it's worked out for you :)

[HPandBaconSandwiches]

I am sympathetic OP, but have you really tried with her current school? Because it sounds like you've had a bit of a chat with her teacher only?
Have you had a formal meeting with the head? Have you got hold of their bullying policy and asked them to give a detailed action plan? Have you spoken to the board of govenors? What have you tried?
I do think it would be better if you try to tackle this fully before you pull her out. Have you told the school your concerns are so serious you're considering moving her?

From what you've said I'm really not sure moving to a small all girls private school is going to help your dd in the long run.

[Jantutor]

Thank you so much - the respect is mutual!

And for your information, we never had much spare money when she was in the free school, so when I found the private school I should have erred on the side of caution, but both my husband and my mom (a pensioner) both said don't worry, we'll find it! And we have, which begs the question, where was all that money going before (shamefaced)!

There's nothing better than investing in a child's future.

[Dozer]

A class of 9 is very small: much too small IMO. As well as the social negatives of this, it will limit the school's resources to offer a varied curriculum etc. Is the school financially viable? It'd be disruptive if it closed down (some small private schools have, especially single sex ones)

[Humidseptember]

jan what a great story.

Its not easy to make a fuss is it when the school is loaded against you. Having been in that position I hope I dont sound patronising when I say I think your very very brave and you have one lucky DD

[teatowel]

I have never taught in a private school but have taught a very boy heavy primary class. There were only 8 girls in the class and over 20 boys. The girls there had more friendship problems than any other class I have ever taught. There were so few of them their relationships were too intense. I taught them twice ,once when they were 9 and a year later when they were 11 and the problems were always there.There wasn't even a Queen Bee just not enough of them! I would avoid a school with such tiny classes.

[Jantutor]

Tryingtogetthroughlife, I completely understand your situation, and would encourage you, if you can to go down the private school option if that would be best for your child.

My daughter (8) attended a brand new Free School (we wanted a Christian school to reflect our family beliefs) from reception until Christmas of year 2. To start with it was a great school community (there were 15 children) so we were close.

A year later (Year 1) they moved to a proper school site and unfortunately there were a few changes of staff and my daughter ended up with a horrible, shouty, arrogant, impatient teacher. She admitted her aggression when I first raised the matter with her, but claimed that it was to help stabilise the class after all of the changes. Unfortunately, little changed and within days of starting year 2 daughter was suffering real anxiety, that we had to keep her home for a few days. In the meantime other parents had separately raised concerns and I even attended a meeting with the board of governors til 11 o'clock one night with another parent, with worse concerns than even I had.

The long and short was that they closed ranks, all whilst praising us on being a great asset to the school. I looked into their eyes and announced there and then, that as there was no true barometer of reason, that there was no one willing to admit that what was happening was unacceptable, that, we'd be taking our daughter from the school. That was the end of November and she had her last day at the Christmas play ... IT'S ONE OF THE BEST THINGS WE HAVE EVER DONE!!

Of course not all private schools are the same, you should interview the head and class teacher regarding pastoral care... They need you as much as you need a new school! We are not people of means, but we manage to scrape the money (just) and still manage to live!

Eastpoint makes an interesting point, but my experience of daughter in a class with 10 classmates, is that the atmosphere is simply lovely.

I sincerely wish you and your family the best - childhood makes and breaks the adults we are. I can tell you know this and so be confident in your decision!!!

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Ladylanky, at the moment her grades are Great tips for everything I just don't want her to give up. I'm not looking for her to get ahead just to not worry about what's going to happen to her. I've sent her in with her phone as I want to know if anyone threatens her again.

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Headofthehive, I'm so glad it worked out for you're DD

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Humidseptember, haha I want to smack him myself he's advice to DD is try to make friends today.........
Yes that was he's fucking advice!!
By he's own merits he's not a people person and only us a few friends, DD is very social and likes people she's a people pleaser.

[Humidseptember]

fun not every small class is going to be like yours though is it.
I had one and it was fine, we formed very close friendships.

You cant make a decision based on that - you just have to deal with it - IF it arises.

I just couldnt say goodbye to my dd every day and send her into a place that was not protecting her at all, and she was not safe. I couldnt do it.

[LauraVonSlim]

We had a similar situation with out two (older DD, younger DS) and we moved DS to a nearby private school. I really struggled with feeling like I was favouring my son but my daughter was adamant that she didn't want to move and she is getting on well where she is.

I spoke at length to the private school about their anti bullying policies and was happy that they would be much more pro-active about dealing with any issues that the state school he was at. He has been there for 3 terms now and is so much happier. He used to say he hated school, and was scared that *joe was going to kill him. Properly terrified, and nothing I could say could make that better for him as however much I tried to work with the school, nothing was changing.

Although there are only 12 boys in his class, it is a two form school and they very much socialise as a year group so 24 makes it much easier for them to find friends etc. Is it just one form of 9?

We will be able to move my daughter to private at senior school if that's what's best for her although it will mean belt tightening.

I came to the conclusion that treating both children fairly, absolutely does not mean treating them the same. I don't regret the decision at all. It has absolutely been the best thing for my children. I agree with others - I think you really need to push your husband on why it is more fair to make your daughter suffer, just because your son is getting on well with the new school.

[Humidseptember]

sorry that wasnt clear

I meant " I regret not supporting YOU moving to dd sooner ( which you did)

[Humidseptember]

Seeyouontheotherside Thu 15-Sep-16 12:52:04 I agree with every word

Maybe you need to set some paid heavies onto your DH, attack him - every day and see how he feels?

I too cannot believe we put DC through this.

Your dh sounds a little dim to be honest. Sometimes you just have to act according to your instincts.

Better for him to say years down the line " I regret not supporting dd and moving her sooner to where she is happy and thriving " to " I regret not listening to you and putting dd through years of bullying, crushing her self esteem to nothing, when one word from me would have changed the course of her now - ruined child hood"

[funfunapple]

9 in a class is just too small. DD has 11 girls in her class and at times there are real issues in the class with the queen bee and it's hard on the girls who aren't her chosen friends that week. The school do deal with it well and there are also 11 boys to soften things a bit and that helps but I would not be happy with a class of 9 and no boys. For a girls school I really think that you need at least 15 or preferably 18-20 to make sure there's a big enough mix of characters. The other thing with 9 girls is that it really makes it hard to get decent sports teams together unless they combine years for sports eg 3&4 play sports together and 5&6 play sports together

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Thanks seeyouontheotherside and Mathsanxiety.
I have taken every single comment on board and will proceed to relay the points put across to DH, I will speak to DD and her teacher again today. We did discuss her having a book to write incidents down due to others not being recorded. I will see how this has gone. I've got two schools in mind one an all girls school and one a mixed so if DS did need to move we could. But as I said he's very happy there and has thrived I'm loathed to move schools with him again.

[ladylanky]

It's worth considering the effect of giving one of your children an expensive advantage that you don't give to the others in the future. Private schooling isn't perfect but it tends to lead to better grades and better life chances. The social circles and skills that privately educated children aquire are aimed at giving them an advantage when they leave school. Fabulous if you can afford it I'm sure but if you send one child and not another then make sure you are prepared to deal with any resentment this might cause as they get older. In 10 years time your other children might feel differently.
All that said one of my cousins went to private school and her younger sister didn't and they're both very well adjusted adults with no problems with it. The state school educated cousin is a doctor now and very happy with that! Not guaranteed to cause a problem but I would be what I'd be concerned about

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Panicmode, I'm so glad it's working out for you're DS fingers crossed it continues.
I have sent DD in with her mobile today and told her to phone me if she needs me to malamute she knows she has support and hopefully it's made her feel abit better.

[tryingtogetthroughlife]

Barbarianmum,
It's because my son has the option to either have 1.1 or attend the unit if he's finding being in the classroom to difficult My DD doesn't have that option the only thing she can do and does do is goes to the library at break and lunchtime to get a book.
DS could also use a different playground

[nocampinghere]

move her.
you do the best for each child. doesn't mean you do the same.

[BarbarianMum]

So the school is so bad at dealing with bullying that the OP's dd must be removed immediately but it's OK for her ds who has ASD (which can often make children very vulnerable to bullying) to continue to be sent there?

That makes no sense.