to storm out of school with my daughter this morning?

[refinnejk]

(I have posted this in primary education too, hope that's OK)
My 8-year-old daughter is unhappy at school and I don't feel the school are offering the necessary support. After a short meeting with the 'parent liaison officer (PLO)', I said I would take her home as I wasn't happy with how the school were dealing with the situation. I am going in to meet her teacher later and I would like some advice/insight about what I should say/request/expect. I don't like being a difficult parent but I feel I have to do something to help my daughter as she is so unhappy.
Backstory - my daughter has had issues all the way through school and I would describe her as complicated. I have generally gone for the tough love option and pushed her in to school crying/screaming/sobbing on occasion. Last year she had a very unsettled year with 4 supply teachers over the year. Towards the end of the year, we arranged a meeting with the school to discuss how unhappy she was. The school was receptive, and the PLO talked to our daughter twice and moved a boy who was 'annoying' her. She seemed happier and enjoyed her meetings with the PLO. The PLO then stopped the meetings after about 2 weeks, as she thought the situation was resolved and said my daughter should just go knock on her door if she wanted to talk to her again - which I know she will not do, and I told her so. At the start of this term, she has a new teacher, an NQT who seems very nice and my daughter likes her. She was seated next to the boy who annoys her again, which I raised with the PLO, and he has swapped with another boy - who used to call her names (she didn't tell me this last year) and he elbows her to make her work a mess. Now I realise the problem is possibly/probably with my daughter, and she does need to tell her teacher - but how do I get her the support that she needs? What if she won't tell the teacher? What should I expect from the school? What do other schools do? The PLO simply says she has to tell the teacher, but she won't. if she would, I'm sure we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I think she is very quiet at school and doesn't like to 'tell' on other people. At home she is not at all quiet, she is often moody and unhappy. She argues constantly with her younger sister who has a completely opposite character. She has friends on our street who she loves to play with and gets on well with them. I admit to finding her difficult to deal with myself, but she can be really lovely, especially when I spend time with her on her own. Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

[JinkxMonsoon]

Sounds like you had a good meeting, SS nonsense aside. The thing is, she can be shy, sensitive and anxious AND be a victim of bullying. Actually, her personality probably makes her more likely to be picked on. She's an easy target and those kids know that.

[youarenotkiddingme]

Glad teacher is on your and DDs side. That'll be invaluable.

I hate the way they always say tell a teacher. A) because most children confident enough to tell don't get bullied and B) the teacher doesn't have time to spend all lesson hearing she did that, he did this and cannot act without proof.

They definitely need to keep these boys away from your DD so they can't damage her already fragile self esteem and confidence more. Because whilst they can do that your DD will always remain unable to tell a teacher.

They need to break the negative cycle not continue encouraging it.

[refinnejk]

The exact phrase 'social services' was not mentioned but I was told the steps that would be taken if my daughter does not go to school unless it is authorised. I can't remember exactly what those steps were, but they resulted in exclusion, and I was strongly encouraged to have the absence recorded as sickness and not unauthorised absence.

[aginghippy]

Did the PLO say that stuff? It sounds seriously dodgy.

Just continue doing what you think is right for your dd. How they record the absence is an administrative matter for the school.

[Sara107]

Op, the good news is that your child likes this new teacher, so that's a great place to start. I've never heard of a PLO, I'm sure the person you need to talk to is the teacher so you can directly raise everything with her, rather than relying on an intermediary. Ask for a meeting with the teacher and the PLO, and make clear the child cannot be sat beside either of these boys. Is there anyone in her class she would like to sit beside, so you could suggest them as options to the teacher. Does she have any school friends? Is that something you could support her with (inviting one or two girls to play) so maybe building up her social skills so she doesn't feel so isolated going into school. But I think the teacher is key to it all ( a child in dD's class went through a phase of school refusal, lying on the floor howling etc, and the school worked really hard to re-engage him).

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

That's great that the new teacher seems on top of it and has suggested strategies to help.

Hopefully they'll be implemented consistently and your DD can start to enjoy school. If there are any problems in the future, remember to keep a diary of incidents so they are aware of the scale of the problem.

[GabsAlot]

how can they say theres no evidence she had poo written onher cardigan

or are they suggesting she done it herself

ridiculous thing to sya they just dont want to admit they hav a problem even though theyve admitted these boys cause trouble

[SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn]

Really pleased that the meeting was productive, op. My dd is very similar and, like you, I had to overcome inital concerns about not wishing to be seen as 'that' parent/over protective. I also didn't want dd to label herself a victim. You did really well to state your concerns assertively and calmly. This will help your dd as the most effective thing is to get the teacher onside. Continue to monitor to make sure strategies are being carried through. I also worked on building dd's resilience and tried to help her id the positive events that happened in her day (as well as letting her talk through the scary/annoying stuff), encouraged friendships that built her up via play dates etc. One of the most important insights was learning to differentiate between when she simply wanted to offload (and didn't want me to wade in and try to 'fix' things) and when she actually needed my help. Things have improved over time but it can still be tough when she seems unhappy/isolated (thankfully happening less and less). I have to admit I do look back to where it started at primary and wonder if taking her out of school and going down the HE route might have helped (but another part of me wonders if that could have just made things worse - we did discuss it and dd felt she didn't want the HE option). We're still working on building her confidence and self esteem and now she can tackle most challenges herself (she's now at secondary). There isn't a magic wand when you have a sensitive child but I can reassure you that everything you are doing is exactly what she needs - by being her advocate, making sure the issue is taken seriously by the school and helping her with strategies to fight her corner (in terms of realising that she deserves to be treated well) - these will all help her feel both safe and loved. She's learned that if she confides in you then you are on her side and will try to help make things better. Well done and I hope things go well for you and your dd.

[refinnejk]

I have come to the conclusion that the Parent Liaison person is more concerned with damage limitation for the school. She won't accept that it might be bullying and she suggested that our dd would ultimately be excluded if we don't record her absence as sickness. I'm going to have her absence recorded as unauthorised. It won't help the 'requires improvement' verdict from OFSTED I don't suppose. And I am feeling angry that for almost all her time in school she has been seated with these two boys, who I have now learned are the most likely children in the class to pick on someone! I feel I have let my daughter down and I have lost faith in the school, but thankfully I do have faith in the teacher.

[GoldFishFingerz]

Tell the school they need to put the absence down as unauthorised and then write to the ESW Educational social worker (different to normal social services social worker) to explain that the absence was due to bulling. If a few parents have done this it will create a poor picture of the school to the LEA. At my sons the bullying was flagged with the LEA massively by various parent and it resulted in a specialist being bought in.

[GoldFishFingerz]

Your DD won't be excluded due to unauthorised absence. What a load of rubbish!! She is looking after the schools interest only. They need low unauthorised absence figures!

We had the same issue. People in authority refusing to acknowledge the bulling existed despite it being major to a lot of children.

You can give her the definition of bullying according to many of the U.K. bullying support groups. Quote it!

[GoldFishFingerz]

Just point blank refuse to have the unauthorised absence changed.

[GoldFishFingerz]

Also Google your counties unauthorised absence policy. You can have a week of unauthorised absence in my county and only get a letter

[GoldFishFingerz]

Social services my arse

[kali110]

Good for you op! Why should you have to change why your daughter was off for the school?

[Cary2012]

You know as a parent you can raise any concerns you're not happy with direct with Ofsted Op. The recording of the absence as sickness, not unauthorised is a blatant attempt to cover up underlying issues like bullying, which Ofsted might investigate at the next inspection. Do you know when that is due?

[RichardBucket]

I was this child once. There were only a couple of people in each class that I could've sat next to without being bullied, and then we got a new English teacher with all these fantastic ideas about increasing our learning who made me sit next to the worst bully of them all. I ended up with two suicide attempts at nine months in hospital in Year 9.

Don't let the school fob you off, please.

[refinnejk]

Not sure if anyone will read this comment now but 9 months later and my daughter loves going to school now. She has loved it for a few months now. She never liked school before this year and it became unbearable at the start of Year 4. Her new class teacher has had a hugely positive impact on her. We have a different daughter. Happy and confident. She has also started doing gymnastics regularly and that has helped her confidence too. However, getting her happy at school was the key step. She even went on a residential school trip for 2 nights and loved it, despite worrying about it for 18 months. Unfortunately the wonderful class teacher is leaving at the end of the school year, having only stayed a year. So for anyone who has a child unhappy at school, my advice would be to tackle the issue head on with school, calmly and assertively, and keep monitoring the situation. Our whole family situation is happier now that we have a happy daughter, and my daughter trusts me to help her, and has seen how things can go from bad to much better with help from parents and teachers, which is a good lesson for life. I had some wonderful advice and support from this forum - thank you very much indeed.

[ohfourfoxache]

What a lovely update!

So glad your dd is so much happier

[grannytomine]

So pleased it worked out well. Can I just make a suggestion, I am sure you have told the teacher how pleased you are but do put something in writing. I know when my DD was a NQT she had a child who hated her subject, she teaches at a comp, the child struggled and my DD worked really hard with her. At the end of the year the child gave her a card and said she was the only teacher who had ever made her understand the subject. My DD treasures that card.

[RatherBeRiding]

I didn't read the original thread, but thank you for coming on and updating everyone who did. I'm really glad your daughter is doing so much better, and I think your advice about being calm, assertive and persistent is spot on!

My children have (thankfully) left school now, but I have always found the best way of tackling discord is to maintain the moral high ground - be polite, be calm but above all be assertive in setting out your requirements and do not hesitate to tell the other party if their suggestions (or lack of) do not work for you, and why.

Good luck with the rest of your daughter's school-days!

[UrsulaPandress]

I so love posters who come back to update.

[iseenodust]

So pleased for you and your DD. Great about the gymnastics too. Am a believer that outside activities open up friendships outside school and build confidence.

[Morphene]

Brilliant update - so nice to see the results of parents advocating for their children.

[chopchopchop]

That's lovely to hear, thank you for telling us!