Your self-effacement is not interesting.

[GarlicMistake]

I'm housebound today so have been reading a lot of threads. This is a ThreadAboutThemAll. I'm up to here with "little old me" type comments. If people think you're beautiful, own it. If you're too self-conscious to wear a bikini, do something about your lack of self-love. If someone's taking the piss, come on here for hints on what to say - and then say it.

Putting yourself down is, like shyness, quite selfish. You're prioritising your feelings about yourself over everybody else. I'm all for answering pleas for attention by giving attention, but it gets a bit wearing.

I'm not saying I've never been shy or down on myself. I often still am: I empathise. But, please, for crying out loud, make an effort to act positive about yourself! Or AIBU?

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

HTF is being shy selfish?!

[thisisafakename]

YABU. How is it at all helpful for someone with low self-esteem to be told that they are being selfish and thinking it's all about them? How easy do you really think it is to 'own it' when you have consistently been told throughout your life that you are not good enough and don't live up to the ideal etc? In what way do people who feel down about themselves have a 'duty' to be positive? Is it just so that you don't have to deal with the negativity? Because actually I think that is significantly more selfish than someone feeling low and negative about themselves.

Also, if you had grown up in an environment where you were constantly told you weren't good enough and attractive enough, you would know that you can't magic confidence from nowhere. Your comment is about as helpful as telling a depressed person to 'snap out of it'. Which in turn is as helpful as telling someone with a broken leg to just get over it and walk.

[thisisafakename]

Oh and I forgot-

[EverySongbirdSays]

This is kind of horrid OP.....especially responding to one poster's shyness with pointing out they are comfortable being anonymously forthright and then querying what they are doing to fix that.

Self effacement is not always phoney, and is due to a lot of things, poor self esteem caused by negative relationships or childhood, the British cultural way of boasting/showing off being frowned upon.

It's kind of mean of you, give me a shy, humble person over a Johnny Big Bollocks any day.

[GarlicMistake]

How would you feel if someone had started a thread entitled "your depression and ptsd are uninteresting"

Seriously - it's the same thing. I do sometimes post here for support. When I do, I'm careful to respect people's thoughts and not to play "yes but" or "ain't it awful".

There was a lot of healthy feedback on the beach thread, APlaceOnTheCouch! It was great! Another thing I enjoyed there was the way most posters ignored the few who were moaning that they can't bear themselves in a bikini despite being a near-perfect ten (or similar.) Like, nobody's saying they've got to wear skimpies; the point was that anybody can if they want :)

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I wish it was that easy for me to be positive about myself. I have a long history of depression (undiagnosed until my 30s, but I was suicidal at age 14), during which I haven't just disliked myself or been down on myself, I have hated myself.

My inner voice has been unrelentingly critical for most of my life, and despite a lot of therapy (2.5 years of group therapy and months of individual CBT), I still find it incredibly hard to be kind or positive about myself, even in the privacy of my own head.

It has helped me, to know that I can be honest about the way I am feeling, both on here and with my friends - and I worry that if people like me feel that they have to put on a good 'face', it can very easily lead to suppressing our real feelings, letting them fester inside, instead of getting them out and dealing with them.

[Balletblue]

There is absolutely nothing wrong in being self-effacing. The quiet and maybe shyer ones provide a backdrop for those who like to shine socially. They listen, they provide space and audience for others. They don't demand, they observe, they are happy to do the clearing up after the party. They are appreciative of attention, but don't need it. They are the ones who will look out for drunk friends and always have a tissue in their bag. Never, ever underestimate the power of those on the sidelines, backstage, supporting.

[AprilLoveJ]

You clearly know little if you think shyness is quite selfish. Shy people are prioritising their feelings over everyone else's? Did I really just read that? 'Inflicting your inner turmoil on innocent bystanders?' Is this a real sentence or did your cat just crawl across the keypad?

I think you need to study the human mind and body a bit more if this is how you really think.

Hey everyone! Feeling shy or have low self esteem? Just make an effort. A quick prescription of be positive and problem solved

Good grief I hope you never speak to anyone with depression or anxiety either.

I rarely comment on AIBU. But YABVU.

I can see your heart is in the right place, your head just isn't quite there yet.

[J0kersSmile]

I agree with you op but I do realise it's like that thing that ex smokers have for example.

It's that annoyance of if I can do it and get on with it why can't you. Some people won't get on with it because they haven't got that inner strongness and self grit through no fault of their own and others will get on with it once they change something in their lives and become more happier in themselves.

I do empathise with you on this but I've learnt over the years to bite my tongue and not be annoyed. It's frustrating to give advice that you know will solve someone's situation but because they aren't ready to solve it themselves it won't go down well. I don't frustrate myself anymore.

I had a really bad childhood, fucked my teenage years right up and didn't sort myself out until I was in my mid twenties. I found it really frustrating that others who had a rough time but not as bad as mine were seemingly reveling in their misery. Why couldn't they just pick themselves up like I had with less then them. Then I stopped giving a shit and stopped trying to help. Sad as my advice was awesome but there you go. That is life and not everyone can be like you.

[PurpleDaisies]

Another thing I enjoyed there was the way most posters ignored the few who were moaning that they can't bear themselves in a bikini despite being a near-perfect ten (or similar.)

So posters are admitting they have genuine body issues meaning they don't feel comfortable wearing a bikini but you've decided they're playing games and are best ignored? The only people allowed to feel self conscious are fat?

I'm sorry op you're coming across really badly here.

[GarlicMistake]

In what way do people who feel down about themselves have a 'duty' to be positive?

That's not what I'm saying. But in group of human beings, your social duty is to have an interest in the others and give them some positive feedback.

if you had grown up in an environment where you were constantly told you weren't good enough and attractive enough - I did.

[GarlicMistake]

This is all quite useful for me. Thank you.

[thisisafakename]

It means you're not inflicting your inner turmoil on innocent bystanders which, believe me, is wonderfully generous of you and something to add to your private list of "What's Great About Me". The only thing that works for me is affirmations. I know, you feel like a total dickhead doing them at first! But it works. Even down to keeping a little notebook in your bag (or a file on your phone) of all the positive feedback you've had from other people

Oh my god, i had missed this little gem when I posted my last reply. Inflicting inner turmoil? Who the hell do you think you are? I doubt very much you have been depressed if you come out with shit like this. Many people who get depression are the very opposite of selfish and part of the condition is a constant worry that you are a drain and a burden on others. And bam, now it turns out that that's actually true.

I have heard people IRL talk like you do. Basically, not wanting to have anything to do with people who are depressed or have low self-esteem because they're 'no fun' and 'a downer'. Well, guess what? That's about as selfish and completely and utterly egotistical that you can get.

And as someone else said, I would a million times rather hang out with someone a bit shy and self-effacing than some selfish twat who thinks I owe them a personality-transformation just so that I don't inflict my inner turmoil on them.

[marblestatue]

It means you're not inflicting your inner turmoil on innocent bystanders

I agree with thisisafakename. Why should everyone have to be constantly fake-smiling and being "witty" and "charming" social butterflies? And what makes you think people haven't already "made an effort" as best they can to be less shy/more confident?

I don't discuss problems easily, but in some ways wish I could be more like those who aren't afraid to look for support and understanding from those around them.

[wombattoo]

Oh dear. YABU
I think it is very thoughtless to accuse a shy person of being selfish.
Personally, I would find self affirmations and strategies to 'work on yourself' cringeworthy.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

All this thread is doing is making me feel bad for 'inflicting my inner turmoil' on other people. I am willing to bet that it is making others feel the same - and that can only be damaging.

[thisisafakename]

your social duty is to have an interest in the others and give them some positive feedback

So? I wouldn't really call it a 'duty' as such, but what does that have to do with someone's own self-esteem. I always try to build up the esteem and confidence of those around me but I can't quite do it in respect of myself. I am way too harsh on myself, never on others. I am also probably what you would call 'shy'. I am sorry if my lack of confidence offends you but reading this thread, I am starting to feel grateful that at least I care about others and want to help them rather than bitching that their problems make me feel fed up and that they should just get over whatever issues they have.

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

People who do a few affirmations and then offer unsolicited advice to everyone because, of course, you are so wonderful everyone wants to be like you make me cringe op.

[ToastDemon]

Shyness is selfish? I've heard it all now....
I go to huge pains to appear socially normal and put others at their ease, despite it being a big challenge for me. Nice to know it's actually just selfishness though.

[wombattoo]

SDTG - I have never in my life heard anyone, other than OP, use that ridiculous phrase. Please do not believe that this is how people think. They do NOT

[GarlicMistake]

I don't want to make you feel bad, SDTG. Or anybody, though I accept I have. I'm sorry.

I very much doubt that you try to turn every conversation round to how 'crap' you are, tbh. I'm sure you're a good and lovely friend. Some people do that, though, and I still think there's a limit to how much ego-boosting it's reasonable to expect outside of a therapeutic situation.

Sad as my advice was awesome but there you go. That is life - This really made me laugh, thanks.

I think one thing this thread's taught me is that I'm very bad at expressing things today

[PurpleDaisies]

I'm finding it difficult not to write things that will get me banned so I'm leaving this thread.

I feel the same as you STDG. I think the op is the selfish one to be telling everyone how they should feel and how they should behave and I'm not wasting any more time reading any more of her tripe.

[EverySongbirdSays]

a limit to how much ego-boosting it's reasonable to expect outside of a therapeutic situation.



I suspect what you call "ego boosting" most people call "being nice"