To want to get back on?

[Santander1]

Ok. I'm not a regular poster on here but I wanted some opinions on my dilemma from some people who a) are not my loved ones, and b) do not ride horses.

It goes like this. I have broken my back falling off my horse. Sounds pretty dramatic but in reality is one lumbar wedge fracture, L1. I'm being treated conservatively with a brace, and I'm feeling ok.

I'm married with three children, 21, 8 and 9.

I have ridden all my life and I know exactly why what happened happened, it was a 'duhhhh' moment where I only had myself to blame for the horse becoming exuberant and bucking me off. He'd bucked with me a couple of times when I first bought him, for the same reasons - overfed, underexercised, I was rushing, etc. But this time I had an unlucky dispatch.

My husband, who does not ride, has decided that I must not get back on this horse ever again. He is of the opinion that it will happen again, which I understand. However I have completely changed his circumstances, moved him to a quieter place, I'm having him intensively trained also. Added to that I do not intend to get back on until the wedge fracture is healed sufficiently to withstand another fall if that should happen. I feel that I am an intelligent woman who can make her own decisions about how to take this moving forward. I understand that I have a responsibility to my family to stay safe, but I feel I can do so without being so drastic as to give up on this horse. I have become quite attached to the animal also.

However, my husband will not listen to any of my reasoning and is steadfastly refusing to give any blessing for me to get back on again. He says I would be very selfish to do so. I have assured him that I will be incredibly cautious, I will wear an air jacket, etc. But I absolutely want to continue with this horse, who was a project for me and had been coming along nicely before this happened.

So obviously my question is, am I being unreasonable to want to carry on where I left off, albeit way more cautiously?

I am feeling very controlled at the moment, and it is damaging our relationship.

I would appreciate your honest opinions.

[quasibex]

*detriment not determine...my phone truly hates this site!

[MrsMozart]

Sorry, I'm a horse rider.... Broke my back at L2 (compression fracture). Brace etc. Didn't ride for six months. Got back on as hubby knows it's what makes me happy. He rode motorbikes, as did I. He went bungee jumping, I didnt but would never stop him. A friend works on a neurology ward - too often she sees people who were just walking along and for some reason they fell and hit their head. Life is too short.

[laladidah]

mrs I agree. Glad you made a safe recovery.

[Greyhorses]

I ride and will always ride however I have one horse who is particulally fiesty and since getting pregnant I have decided not to ride him again as its just too risky.

I can't be bothered with anything over 14hh and ploddy now

I can see both sides but ultimately i wouldnt let him stop you if you will regret it!

[almostthirty]

I know nothing about riding but.... as you have such experience and knowledge the horse so well I think only you can make the decision .

[RortyCrankle]

As long as you have thought long and hard about the possible outcome should you be bucked off again, ie all the scenarios - think Christopher Reeve upwards and how it would impact on you and your family's life then it's your choice.

I used to ride in Epping Forest in my 20s and my horse had a 'thing' about people in striped jerseys. If we were cantering around a bridle path and a striped jersey could be seen in the distance, he would go berserk, galloping off into the forest with little hope of stopping him until he decided to calm down so I could find my way out of the forest. Some may say had I been a better rider I would have prevented him from doing so (although god knows how).

The thing is a horse is a living, breathing thing with its own foibles whereas a motorbike is an inanimate object and if you come off one, it is likely to be your fault or another person's fault but never the motorbike's.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[Rosieposy4]

I would get back on, i am currently semi sidelined ( walking for 5 mins on sons cob only, wi a fair amount of pain) with an injury from a different sport, if i fell off then yes it would cause probably irreparable damage, but you only live once.I cannot countenancea life without riding, as i am sure you cannot. Yes riding is inherently risky, but so is damage to your psychiatric well being, and getting ina car isn't exactly risk free.
Seriously if he smokes he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

[Santander1]

Thank you, everyone. I don't want to stop the comments please keep them coming. They are helping me to think more dialectically and less emotionally :)

[laladidah]

It is your horse, it is your choice at the end of the day: to be honest I would be reluctant to get back on, but you know your horse. And your dp needs to have a think about his life choices (I say that as a rider and a disgraceful smoker).

[Gatehouse77]

I think I would be finding a compromise along the lines of...

I won't get back on the horse until he has completed the intensive training and I have had the 'okay' from the doctor about my back. Let's discuss it again at that point and see where we are.

If this has happened recently then emotions will be running high. Give each other some breathing time. You're neither agreeing nor disagreeing with his stance but both of you will have an element of control over the situation until you have more information about what is possible to move forward with.

[RortyCrankle]

Oh I'd like to add a PS

I'm now 70ish, with osteo-arthritis in spine and knees, 3 hip replacement ops, osteoporosis, can't walk without a walking frame in or outdoors.

If someone could lower me onto a horse (god knows how) I would take off like the wind so do understand your yearning but I don't have a partner and couldn't have children.

[Santander1]

Oh Rorty! I will help winch you on!

[PinkissimoAndPearls]

I'm like Rorty and would bloody love to be on the back of a horse but...

I think a similar thing in our marriage was DH wanting a motorbike. I had a very good friend sadly killed in a motorbike accident so was very nervous. I said to DH I wouldn't ever stop him or want to even stop him doing something he really wanted but could he bear in mind how worried I was and show me how he could reduce risk etc? DH took the view that yes, he wanted a bike, but not more than he wanted me to be happy and not spend time worrying. No bike at the moment! We have a very happy peaceful relationship though and compromise on a lot of things, it sounded from your last post yours might have bigger issues so perhaps these are affecting these decisions?

I always say it's not necessarily a compromise itself that harms a relationship, it's the way the compromise is reached that can cause damage.

I think you have lots of space here to compromise and to me the fairest way would be recognising your DH's (realistic IMO) fears but still enjoying your riding - on a different horse. It's about minimising risk isn't it, not just to you but to your family's happiness too.

I'm sorry you've been hurt and I hope you get better soon and reach an acceptable way forward for both of you.

[lastqueenofscotland]

Im a horse rider, I had a horrific fall 2 years ago long hospital stay etc, I got back on and dp was supportive but he's very horsey too.

[DiseasesOfTheSheep]

It's your life. Get back on and enjoy yourself - provided you are fully satisfied that your management changes have had the desired effect, and you have a pro to hop on first.

Though for full disclosure, I'm biased. I spend most of my life clinging on to horses and trying not to die I'm not exactly unbiased here...

[Shizzlestix]

I see both POVs. I've had a fair few falls, one nasty one. The DH says one more and I'm never riding again. As it is, I currently don't having lost my confidence big time. I think your DH is probably terrified of you becoming incapacitated/dying, which is a normal fear. I'm sure everyone's seen some horrific results of falls and can remember Christopher Reeve's fate.

I think, OP, wait till you're fully healed and go to the yard to do normal chores. Will your DH accompany you? I'm not saying jump on without him knowing (mine can finally recognise my horse in a field of others-it's only been 8 years!) and gradually go from just sitting on him to more and let the DH know that you're doing teeny things with the horse.

[DiseasesOfTheSheep]

The thing is a horse is a living, breathing thing with its own foibles whereas a motorbike is an inanimate object and if you come off one, it is likely to be your fault or another person's fault but never the motorbike's

I always think this is an interesting perspective. Personally, I try to choose fairly well evolved horses (those with a decent survival instinct!) and I train them to be as sensible and helpful as possible. While they could ditch me intentionally, I actually think I'm usually at much greater risk on something which can't save my bacon when I make an entirely human mistake.

[mypropertea]

What protection were you using? I have a deal with DH- hat, body protector, high viz and not being "stupid" (stupid would be getting on a horse that has been in for a week without letting it let off steam a bit first... As defined by DH).

[thetemptationofchocolate]

Maybe you could show him some things about the air jackets which would make him less apprehensive? Oliver Townend had a horrible fall where the horse fell on him. OK he was airlifted to hospital but was let out the next day.
www.eventingworldwide.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/OliverTownendRK3DE2010.jpg

[Santander1]

My, I was just wearing my hat, but I will be investing in a Point Two Jacket for the future. I don't care how much of a wally I look in the arena!

[mypropertea]

Off topic but... Imagine if you stopped horses and he stopped smoking, you would be rich beyond your wildest dreams!

[mypropertea]

That's a promise you can make that may help him more comfortable. You know how they have those courses for nervous riders with a phycologyst, do you think he would benefit from chatting to someone like that? I know he doesn't ride but they can use the same logic with him maybe?

[Santander1]

Yes I think you're probably right!

[TheWindInThePillows]

The plain fact is that his smoking is by far the thing likely to kill either of you, or cause life-long injury. The 1 in 2 smokers dying from smoking related illness is now thought to be an underestimate, it being more like 2 in 3 (so 1 in 3 getting off 'scott free' if you think of it like that. That's not just feeling a bit ill later in life, 1 in 4 will lose up to 20 years of life- so that's dying at 60 instead of 80.

Horse-riding, though it is a risky sport compared with other sports, and riskier than say being in a car, is no way and never will be as risky as smoking.

If you want to avoid disability (e.g. aftermath of heart attack or stroke) or early death, he needs to quit smoking.

This doesn't really help you with your riding issue, ultimately it is your life to risk (and that horse does sound risky to me, as you are really downplaying why it happened and imagining you can change all the conditions so it won't occur again- is this realistic?)