To want to get back on?

[Santander1]

Ok. I'm not a regular poster on here but I wanted some opinions on my dilemma from some people who a) are not my loved ones, and b) do not ride horses.

It goes like this. I have broken my back falling off my horse. Sounds pretty dramatic but in reality is one lumbar wedge fracture, L1. I'm being treated conservatively with a brace, and I'm feeling ok.

I'm married with three children, 21, 8 and 9.

I have ridden all my life and I know exactly why what happened happened, it was a 'duhhhh' moment where I only had myself to blame for the horse becoming exuberant and bucking me off. He'd bucked with me a couple of times when I first bought him, for the same reasons - overfed, underexercised, I was rushing, etc. But this time I had an unlucky dispatch.

My husband, who does not ride, has decided that I must not get back on this horse ever again. He is of the opinion that it will happen again, which I understand. However I have completely changed his circumstances, moved him to a quieter place, I'm having him intensively trained also. Added to that I do not intend to get back on until the wedge fracture is healed sufficiently to withstand another fall if that should happen. I feel that I am an intelligent woman who can make her own decisions about how to take this moving forward. I understand that I have a responsibility to my family to stay safe, but I feel I can do so without being so drastic as to give up on this horse. I have become quite attached to the animal also.

However, my husband will not listen to any of my reasoning and is steadfastly refusing to give any blessing for me to get back on again. He says I would be very selfish to do so. I have assured him that I will be incredibly cautious, I will wear an air jacket, etc. But I absolutely want to continue with this horse, who was a project for me and had been coming along nicely before this happened.

So obviously my question is, am I being unreasonable to want to carry on where I left off, albeit way more cautiously?

I am feeling very controlled at the moment, and it is damaging our relationship.

I would appreciate your honest opinions.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"My husband, who does not ride, has decided that I must not get back on this horse ever again." (my bolding)

"But I absolutely want to continue with this horse, who was a project for me"

So, it's not about riding per se, it is about this one horse. You talk about riding all your life, has your husband ever objected to any other horse, or riding in general? I think you'd have mentioned it in your OP if he had so I'll presume not. So we come back to this one horse.

Seriously, is this project - a.k.a. 'I told you I could do it' - of such importance to you that you will ignore your husband's fears? He fears for you - have you ever feared for someone, do you know what that feels like? How does his fears for you measure up to your desire to complete your project?

[BalloonSlayer]

You should do it if you want to. After all would he tell you not to go in a car again if you'd been injured in a car crash

That is not an appropriate analogy. A car is not sentient, it does not react to emotional stresses or environmental issues. It will not, in short, open its door and tip you out.

It would make more sense if the DH was OK with the OP riding again, but just not this particular horse.

My sister's SIL had an "unfortunate circumstance that she really should have foreseen" with a horse which left her dead.

[Santander1]

Thank you everyone

His compromise is for me to ride another horse, one that isn't quite so sharp.But OhNo is pretty on the money - I am being controlled - he is rather controlling!

I think I am compromising by saying I will never a) jump or hunt b) not get on it until I have completely healed.

[SirVixofVixHall]

I agree with you OP. I am very risk averse as a person, and actually I think that can be a bad thing. I know horses can be dangerous, several people in my family have had injuries, and a close friend died. This is roughly on a par though with people I know who cycle, or even people I know who drive. You sound sensible, and I think to give up that beautiful bond between horse and rider, the pleasure you get from the relationship and the riding out, and the mental challenge of working with a horse would be a huge shame. Agree that your DH's smoking is more of an issue! Would he mind you going skiing , or similar, or is it just the horse? I think he had a fright and has blamed the horse, rather than trusting you that you've realised why the horse reacted in the way he did, and that you are taking every measure to limit the risk. I understand his fear, but I don't think it is fair of him to ask you to stop.

[plominoagain]

As someone who has ridden and competed since for over 30 years , I can totally see your point . However my husband would probably say he could see your husband's .

That said , he would never expect me to give up - wouldn't even try . The day after he saw me pretty much get away with a rotational fall whilst eventing ( two cracked ribs and a dislocated shoulder ) he bought me an air jacket and a new hat instead. His point of view was that he couldn't stop me, but he wanted me to be as well protected as I could be . So we compromise . I compete , but I wear the protection every time i ride , without fail , and I'm not quite as reckless as I used to be .

The thing is that accidents happen with horses , usually when you least expect them . The worst injury I ever did to myself was when I failed to get on my most well behaved creature , and all he did was step sideways !

[TwatbadgingCuntfuckery]

I see no problem with you getting back on the horse once you are healed properly. I'm not a rider but I know having an accident like this, if you don't get back on quickly you probably never will.

If it was my partner these are the things I would want to know-

What precautions can you put in place to prevent/protect against injury and are you using them all? What are they? how do they work

Will you have someone with you when you ride that horse again? how long for for? would this help keep the horse calm?

How is the intensive training going? how long will it take for the horse to be more at ease?

Are we covered with insurance if the shit really hits the fan for therapy/treatment/aids and/or a lump payout if its more serious?

What could I do to help?

If you could answer all of those I'd be happier. Not happy. Happier but I would still feel unease for a while.

FWIW I have a rider friend who had a similar accident but cracked and very very bruised rib and went through it all with her. Still worry she's going to kick the bucket when out on her 'bratty teen' of a horse but he has calmed down over the years and isn't as nervous of me as he once was.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I am being controlled - he is rather controlling!"
Two points -

1. Are you really being controlled? Doesn't matter if someone is 'controlling', short of force they can only control you if you consent to being controlled, albeit through having had your self-esteem/confidence ground down by the controller. Is that the case here?
   
2. Are you insisting on riding this horse again simply because he's asked you not to, just to prove to him that you will not be controlled?
   

Obviously these are questions that you only need to answer to yourself not to me.

[Charlesroi]

Sorry, but when you throw your leg over the back of a horse you understand that it could result in a serious injury/death. Them's the rules (and that's why you get the adrenaline rush).

You could buy a totally ploddy old thing and Something Could Happen. It does. Riding is about the partnership and part of the skill/art is minimising risk - it can never be removed.

I'd carry on if I were you.

[Santander1]

SirVixo yes there is a bond between me and this horse.

I didn't want to bore everyone with the finer details, but the horse had several chronic injuries that I have painstakingly rehabbed, including two lots of surgery with great emotional not to mention financial cost. I feel I can't give up on him now, although I understand that my life is more important.

[Cakescakescakes]

Could you not try another horse? A close friend was bucked by a horse who was 'coming along nicely' a few months ago and will now never walk without crutches again and will have to totally change career. She is lucky to be walking (or indeed alive for that matter...) at all to be honest.

[PirateFairy45]

Not exactly the same but my DH has a motorbike. Several times he's come off and been injured. One of those times were life threatening and it's a miracle he pulled through.

Although I fret constantly, I would never ever tell him he couldn't do it.

It's special to him, it makes him happy and it's more than a hobby for him, which I guess riding is for you.

M

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

As long as you've been OK by the doctors, go for it.

[myownprivateidaho]

Honestly, I completely see your point, but the reality is that if you ride this horse again, your DH is going to feel like his feelings on something very important to him (your life!) do not matter to you, or matter to you less than this horse. He's going to feel sick with worry whenever you ride, and that will be compounded by upset that his worry could very easily be avoided.

Whether or not its completely rational for him to feel like this, wouldn't it be the least worst option to just get a more docile horse? I get that it would be a sacrifice, but I'm sure you could bond with another animal and still get pleasure from riding it.

Also, it does slightly worry me that you think you know exactly why this happened and that you can control it and stop it from happening again. Seems a bit like false confidence to me - surely animals are inherently unpredictable. And it's impossible to know why he bucked - just because it happened two or three times when he was overfed/underexercised/etc, you can't know for sure that that was the reason why...

[myownprivateidaho]

Also wrt this

several chronic injuries that I have painstakingly rehabbed, including two lots of surgery with great emotional not to mention financial cost. I feel I can't give up on him now

The sunk costs fallacy is not a good basis for a decision on this matter. You've spent that money/time now. You need to make a decision based on FUTURE costs/risks/etc, not past ones.

[OneArt]

Def agree with you OP about the smoking thing!

[wasonthelist]

If it makes any difference I don't ride and still think YANBU. I was put off at age 10 when I tried it out - it's not for me, too scary :) but I respect the joy it gives people and the courage it takes at times.

[pinkyredrose]

Keep the horse, ditch the controlling husband?

[frostyfingers]

It's very hard isn't it. I ride and am currently recovering from knee surgery after a silly fall which at the time I thought I'd got away with. I've jumped much bigger things, gone much faster and all sorts and this was schooling over a 2' high fence.... I'm lucky in that my DH is incredibly understanding and patient and would never say I must not do something, like I wouldn't to him. Therein lies your problem I think, and as you know - I don't think he should be banning you from this at all, it's your decision and you shouldn't feel bullied. As long as you are sensible, weigh up the facts and the risks and make an informed decision I don't think he has any right to stop you. Absolutely he can say he's not keen, encourage you otherwise but to try and ban you is not on.

You are not being unreasonable and I suspect if you carry on you may have a major row coming up which is sad. I assume the fracture will take a while to heal so perhaps put it on one side for a bit, say you're not going to make any further decisions until you've got the all clear and in the meantime the horse stays where it is being schooled and worked and you will decide what to do then. Hope you're not too sore!

[minijoeyjojo]

Could you get an air vest as a compromise? Still ride the horse but add some more safety for you?

[laladidah]

You sound like you have made a perfectly sensible decision. Take the time to heal and approach it slowly slowly. You sound far more experienced than me, but my girl has had me off more times than I care to remember, including slamming my head into the fence at the side of the school, major bruising and a broken tooth. Took quite a lot of courage to get back on her, I am not going to lie. But every time it has been because she has come off box rest and hence was exceptionally fresh.

I can understand your dh's worry, but they are horses, there is always going to be a rIsk - goes with the territory.

Can you perhaps have some lessons on something a bit calmer? Get yours lunged? I swapped mine for something smaller and calmer, and then found myself itching to get back on her (she is half thoroughbred, so basically a lunatic anyway!).

Good luck to you anyway. The things we do for these horses, eh? Just make sure that you make your own decision, regardless. for your recovery

[tosto]

Why are you even listening to his opinion when HE IS SMOKING?! I say this as a smoker myself! He needs to stop smoking NOW and still be a non-smoker when your fracture has healed well enough for you to make a decision.

[SnakesandKnives]

It's not hard to see both sides of this.....personally I don't think your husband is being controlling in the 'standard' way - he is obviously really scared of it happening again.

We have horses and we've both been chucked off a fair few times (we jump and Cc etc). If the deal was 'get an injury and you can't ride again' we'd have both had to quit some considerable time ago. That said; no body protector/air vest = no jumping

I think you need to be totally honest with yourself abut this specific horse - and echo the comments made re: false economy and 'I've said it so I'll bloody do it' by other posters. I also disagree with you that horses are never malevolent. Some absolutely are in my experience. And some just don't ever get on with being ridden.

If you genuinely don't think this specific horse is actually dangerous in its own right then hubby just has to understand that your chosen hobby has risks. And you have to accept that this might cause ongoing arguments. He can hardly decide to Not worry....

[quasibex]

Crucially your DH hasn't banned you from riding the horse again, he's just made it very clear about how he feels about you riding this specific horse in the hope that you choose a less risky riding option.

I have to be honest, if it were a member of my family that had a close shave with a serious injury because of the behaviour of one animal I'd be rather vocal about how selfish they were to continue placing themselves in the same situation to the potential determine of their health too. The alternative is him lying to you about how he feels.

It's still your choice but how you choose will speak volumes for what you think about the feelings of your DH.

Maybe a compromise agreement could be reached whereby he gives up smoking and you agree to not ride this horse again.