To want to get back on?

[Santander1]

Ok. I'm not a regular poster on here but I wanted some opinions on my dilemma from some people who a) are not my loved ones, and b) do not ride horses.

It goes like this. I have broken my back falling off my horse. Sounds pretty dramatic but in reality is one lumbar wedge fracture, L1. I'm being treated conservatively with a brace, and I'm feeling ok.

I'm married with three children, 21, 8 and 9.

I have ridden all my life and I know exactly why what happened happened, it was a 'duhhhh' moment where I only had myself to blame for the horse becoming exuberant and bucking me off. He'd bucked with me a couple of times when I first bought him, for the same reasons - overfed, underexercised, I was rushing, etc. But this time I had an unlucky dispatch.

My husband, who does not ride, has decided that I must not get back on this horse ever again. He is of the opinion that it will happen again, which I understand. However I have completely changed his circumstances, moved him to a quieter place, I'm having him intensively trained also. Added to that I do not intend to get back on until the wedge fracture is healed sufficiently to withstand another fall if that should happen. I feel that I am an intelligent woman who can make her own decisions about how to take this moving forward. I understand that I have a responsibility to my family to stay safe, but I feel I can do so without being so drastic as to give up on this horse. I have become quite attached to the animal also.

However, my husband will not listen to any of my reasoning and is steadfastly refusing to give any blessing for me to get back on again. He says I would be very selfish to do so. I have assured him that I will be incredibly cautious, I will wear an air jacket, etc. But I absolutely want to continue with this horse, who was a project for me and had been coming along nicely before this happened.

So obviously my question is, am I being unreasonable to want to carry on where I left off, albeit way more cautiously?

I am feeling very controlled at the moment, and it is damaging our relationship.

I would appreciate your honest opinions.

[AmysTiara]

If this was DP I would hate it if he wanted to carry on.

But... It is his life and I would want him to be happy doing what he wanted to do so reluctantly I agree with you

[MoneybagsIamnot]

OP- as you are going to be out of action for a while, I assume you'll have someone else schooling/ exercising the horse for now anyway?

Could you get/pay someone to ride him for you whilst you're broken, with the condition that so long as he doesn't do anything too naughty with that person, you can get back on him?

Can you promise to lunge him before you get on in future (for a while) etc? Anything to put his mind at rest?

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

Sorry, pressed post too early. It might also be an idea to have his tack, rugs etc checked by a good saddler.

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

Do you think your husband would accept an assessment of the horse by a behaviourist e.g. Richard Maxwell after he has completed his current training?

It might be helpful for you too. Horses are not usually malevolent, but they can very easily learn antisocial, even dangerous behaviour which can become a habit very quickly.

I'm sure you have had him checked by a vet, chiropractor, farrier and equine dentist to make sure that pain isn't the cause of the bucking

[BodsAuntieFlo]

For all those suggesting OP just gets a different horse would you get a different dog/cat just because your DH told you to even if you didn't think they were dangerous?

I have 6 horses. I've ridden for most of my life, and yes, I sold my mare on (who I'd had for 15 years). She was sold to a friend and and is doing fantastically. Personally, I put my family before her and have no regrets. A horse is not like a dog or cat.

If I had a remotely dangerous animal of course I'd euthanaze it. It's a different ball game riding horses to owning a dog or cat.

[Gabilan]

Fair enough, AnUtter. It's late, I'm tired. Truce? I don't really want to derail the thread!

[Gabilan]

AnUtterIdiot you said "The horse I last rode would try to scrape me off against trees at the end of the day" which did make it sound as if it was something that occurred more than once. I haven't said anything about you being cruel - not sure where you got that from.

In that situation - I agree it sounds difficult. When I've been trekking I've tried as far as possible to check out welfare standards before I go although I agree it's not always possible to be sure. If you're talking about a fast ride, yes it's not possible to keep up on foot. On narrow tracks it depends on how much you trust the horse but IME it's often safer to walk in front of a horse. I know that's against BHS guidelines, but they're not flawless. I've done that on ice before when there's only been one narrow safe track. As for the lack of language - heck, I'd give it a go.

If it happened once, maybe there wasn't much you could do. More than once? Personally I wouldn't have chosen to do it again.

[Spudlet]

Pah, dwelling on it, not feeling on it 🙄

[Spudlet]

I wonder if it's a bit of a culture clash between you two..? I mean, most riders understand there's a risk. We might not overthink it, but we know the horse could kill us, whenever it wants. But we also understand how to try and minimise that, we know what we get from horses, and we make our peace with it.

But for a non-rider, seeing what a horse can do without even really meaning it can come as a real shock. Maybe your DH is suddenly aware of what you probably knew (albeit perhaps without feeling on it)? Maybe he needs some time to get his head around things.

[MotherFuckingChainsaw]

I think the issue with 'never ride this horse again' is whilst it looks sensible in terms of a cold factual risk assessment, it doesn't take account of the incredible bond you can get with an individual horse.

Im stubborn, I'd keep riding.

[Gabilan]

Anyway, OP, a few years ago my mum broke her back riding without actually falling off. She caught her back at an odd angle and shattered a vertebra. She hasn't ridden since because it could very easily happen again and doctors have advised against it. (Low bone density).

I came off a friend's horse about a year ago and sent a shock wave through my SI joint. No broken bones but it was very painful. I couldn't ride at all for 2 weeks and I will never ride that horse again. But it comes down to risk assessment and cost-benefit. IMO that horse is a loose cannon and for me it simply isn't worth the risk of life-changing injury. She deliberately put me on the floor with very little warning and whatever problem caused it, her owner hasn't got to the bottom of it, so I won't do it.

Then again my own safe, sensible, calm horse has catapulted me over his head when he's tripped. Potentially this could cause me serious problems if I'm unlucky in how I land. However, I consider this worth the risk. In terms of my MH, without DHorse my depression is unliveable. With him it's something to monitor. He's never deliberately put me on the floor and the only time he's bucked it was, as it turns out, because his saddle hurt him. and my brilliant risk prevention re any tripping is buying him knee boots so he's OK

So I think it's down to you to work out how much you can mitigate the risk. How much of a known risk is it? What can you do to reduce it? And it sounds like you're doing those things. I think it just has to be your decision. How much you take DH's opinion into account I think depends on whether you think he's being controlling (bugger that) or concerned (quite legitimate).

[Gabilan]

The horse I last rode would try to scrape me off against trees at the end of the day. He was fine at the beginning of the day, I assume he just got tired - we were on a trek abroad so I couldn't get off and walk him. But some people would call that malevolent. I'd more say the horse was fed up but whatever label you put on it, I could have been quite badly hurt if I hadn't been wise to it. They're animals. They can't talk. They have limited means of indicating that they don't want to do what you're asking

Well some people can hear a horse talking, and some people can hear them whisper. It sounds like that horse was basically shouting "FFS get off my back, this fucking hurts, ow, ow". I'd have got off and walked unless everyone else was trotting or cantering, in which case I'd have told the trek leader the horse was not fit to continue.

[CocktailQueen]

You sound as if you know what you're talking about, whereas your h doesn't ride so he has no idea. He is being controlling - he can't stop you riding!

Agree with your point about smoking too - smoking is known to cause cancer. Much worse than riding!

I can see why he is concerned, but if you love riding and your horse, and you risk assess him and the situation before you ride him, then carry on. Life is not risk-free - and it would be pretty dull for lots of people if it was.

[BestZebbie]

At first glance YANBU - you should get to control your free time, not your husband.

However, I think that actually, YABU - you are a team with your husband and your DCs, and in this situation you are prioritising getting to do your personal "project" with the horse over your membership of that team.

In conclusion, I think that you should carry on riding as a hobby once you are properly healed, but not on this horse (and probably not jumps/hunt if you have already ruled those out as too dangerous compared to other activities in discussions to-date).

[susiella]

I hope you do ride the horse again, I had a catastrophic fall & broke L1 to L4. I did ride again & rode my horse from whom I had the fall. I'm now 55 & he's 20 & we're both out to grass! I miss riding every day.

[venys]

I am an ex rider - although I am sure I will get back into it in a minor way at some point in the future. My biggest accidents are the ones that were unlucky. Horse had a heart attack while I was riding it - reared backwards and landed on me, horse slipped on slippery grass - these were ploddy type horses too. I think the worst was the most innocuous . I continued to ride at a riding school while pregnant. I was doing dressage which I thought was safe as I hadn't had a fall on the flat in 20 years. But they put me on a pony that didn't like me, she bucked me off. I never did go to the hospital to get checked out, he came prematurely at 31 weeks and has a learning disability. Although I have been told that they dont think this caused his condition. I do wonder if it didn't help. It's a condition that he and the family will struggle with for the rest of his life. And it could have been my stubbornness that did it. So these days I am a bit more risk averse. I need to think if the worst was to happen, then how would the family cope. (Not too well at this point). If I was in your shoes, I would probably go for a safer horse that can cope with less exercise if need be and an air jacket until the kids get a bit older. I wouldn't quit completely though. It's such a fun sport.

[george1020]

Well if you have risk assessed and decided that it is a risk you are willing/want to take then really your DH should be supporting you.
I imagine it was really hard for your DH seeing you injured and imagining what could have happened but then anyone could waste their life worrying about everything.

I would try to make sure it was as safe as possible like air jacket maybe an rs-tor strap or d ring pommel strap (not sure what you call them but like a Pelham rounding from d ring to d ring across pommel) maybe even looking into borrowing/buying a deep dressage, stock or western saddle for a bit and see if you can get him on side that way.

[Rosieposy4]

Mypropertea, she would be rich, and probably very miserable. Know which i would chose!
Sorry OP, very close to my heart having had six months out of the saddle. The damage to my mental health has been enormous. ( and i have put on weight, having been bed bound for quite a bit. )

[WuTangFlan]

"My husband, who does not ride, has decided that I must not get back on this horse ever again."

Your DH is not saying you can never ride again. Just not this horse. If he said the former, that would be controlling, the latter, not so much.

The "would he tell you not to drive again" analogy doesn't stand up. A better analogy would be if I had a crash in car which had dodgy brakes, and I insisted on still driving the car even though I knew in theory the brakes could go if I didn't handle it just right. There were other safer cars I could choose to drive, but I insist it had to be that particular one... I don't think your DH is being unreasonable.

[Booboostwo]

Riding any horse carries the risk of a fall but is your DH at all right in being particularly worried about this horse? Is bucking a usual behavior for him? You sound like an experienced rider so was this a real get off me buck or just bad luck? You mention previous injuries, could something physical be contributing to his bucking (KS?)? I would try to dispassionately risk assess this horse. They are living beings, we get attached to them but equally that can blind us to the fact that some of them are not suited to the job we want them to do and some of them become dangerous if we persist. You can certainly find energetic, fun horses that are not high risk due to unwanted behaviors like serious bucking.

[ShoeEatingMonster]

I'm a rider so will probably be siding with the other horsey types! Yes I'd get back in again. If it was just a silly accident on a horse who can be a bit sparky then why not? You could be hurt just as badly being hit by a car or other day to day activities. Yes horse riding is risky but life is too short. If the horse was a dangerous project then I might reconsider.

For all those suggesting OP just gets a different horse would you get a different dog/cat just because your DH told you to even if you didn't think they were dangerous? Of course you wouldn't because we bond with animals. They're not just possessions that can be thrown away of exchanged ffs!

Riding in an air jacket or such like might be a compromise?

I had a fall when I was just 16 that has affected my life and still have ongoing problems 12 years later. I still ride because it was a silly, freak accident.