AIBU to think I should get custody?

[NeuroGirl]

I've reached the last straw with my husband and I want out.

We've been together for ten years, married for 5. He didn't have a job until three years into our relationship, then despite his extensive education has been doing a GCSE-level entry job no more than 20 hours a week, 35 weeks a year, never earning more than £9 an hour. This is because he likes his leisure time (to play computer games).

We have a four year old son who is wonderful and who I love beyond measure. I have worked 3-4 days a week since he was three months old, and since a 18 months old he has been in nursery at least 2 days a week to give my husband a break.

Now I'm working full time, and my husband is not working, and our son is in nursery 4 days at considerable expense.

He does the washing up, puts the laundry on (won't iron or put it away), puts the bins out and does some basic cleaning if I prompt him. Everything else is up to me to organise, plan and do.

I'm so fed up with having to work so hard to keep him happy, he's honestly worse than our son. The last straw was when he has now point blank refused to have another child (I've maintained since the beginning of the relationship that I'd like a big family) because it's too much effort.

I need out, but I really don't want to leave my son. I don't think he'd want custody, and I think he'd cope appallingly being a main parent (e.g. I get up with our son at 6:30 and he lies in til 8:30 pretty much every day, naps every afternoon...) but I know on paper it would look better for him as he's not working full time and he looks like a house husband and I look like a crazy career woman.

I am so worried that if it came to a custody battle he would win.

[cestlavielife]

take all financial details of assets etc with you.
how do you think he will respond when you tell him your plans?
are you just going to give him a deadline to move out?
what if he refuses?
after all he thinks the status quo is reasonable.
have you mentioned before to him you are unhappy/any hint of wanting to separate?
any signs he could get aggressive? be careful...
given you mentioned his "depression" earlier i would be concerned that what you see as reasonable he wont... [I naively thoughts exp would go quietly, as after all he didnt seem very happy and did not seem to like me much! I was very wrong...]

[AcrossthePond55]

I'm paying 5k fees for the masters, it's about 2k expenses and 5k of lost income as he won't even be working part time. I can't stop it being paid, we have a joint account, and anyway I do want him to be happy and think that there's far more chance of an amicable divorce if I don't argue. We/I will still have some savings left.

Well, actually you can, by pulling out 50% of the joint account and opening an account in your sole name. You're kinder and more optimistic than I, because that's exactly what I'd do. And I'd be under no misapprehension that allowing my money to be used would in any way influence my stbx to 'play nice'. But I'm going by what I went through with my ex so I suppose my expectations reflect that.

But then again, yours seems awfully lazy and very selfish, I think you need to try think very carefully about what his reaction will be to divorce. Just remember that many people, even nice ones, throw past kind gestures out the window when it comes to divorce AND especially when it comes to money and the children.

Talk it over with the solicitor. See what his/her take on it is. Could you petition for return of the fees paid out of the house settlement (if you sell) or a reduction of a 'buy out' if you plan to buy him out of his share?

[fryingtoday]

Nowadays if this ends up in court it's likely to be 50/50. Can you live with that?

[pleasemothermay1]

Those who are saying it won't look good for him not working are talking shit

judges like to keep the status quo for children so are likey to choos the primary carer usually it's the mother it's why often many men play could however they often place work above family and leave the mum to deal you have worked full time but tbh that may go agisnt you

this happed to a lady whom I child mined. For she broke up with her lazy husband who did nothing all day but did do the school run then promptly left him and required my services the judge awarded him full custody his words were to the effect while I am encorged you have sought approite child card he has a loving father who can be there full time while you can only offer evenings at best you can provide no evidence that the father would harm the child so presume the status quo is better for the child rather than up rooting him from his home and placing in childcare were he has never been in place a his father.

I felt for her but could see were the judge was coming from his dad is likey shit but your going to have a hard time proving childcare is better than his dad fetching him to and from school and doing things with him in the Hoildays

[pleasemothermay1]

If you leave espically if you work full time

I am afraid you may have a real shock about custody
Also as much as you say he's lazy

He will most likely use the fact you work full time against you it won't be seen in your favour personally I would drop to pt if your planning to go to court

[cestlavielife]

In this case the dc is already in childcare 4 x per week full days so there us no reason why op can't have equal and shared care.

It will make no difference to child if op is working those days as this is the status quo.

But there is no reason for op to have greater degree of residency than the h.

I was given full residence as it was called then of 3 dc while working full time BUT exp was abusive there was police report of violence he admitted and he was in full blown mh crisis unable to care for dc. Not "lazy".

[NeuroGirl]

Well, I have spoken to a solicitor and she thinks it can be all worked out. We have a face to face meeting next Tuesday.

Now I'm quietly putting in the application for part-time working and trying to fake a marriage :S

[harshbuttrue1980]

It's ridiculous that the poor child is stuck in nursery from 8-6 when there is no need for him to be. I can fully understand nursery for parents who need to work, but I just don't understand why a non-working parent would use full-time childcare. It doesn't sound like he gives much of a stuff about the child, so I doubt he'd go for custody.

I doubt he'd be awarded custody either - either the child spends all day in nursery while his parent works to keep a roof over his head (you), or he spends all day in nursery so his parent can play computer games (your husband). No contest about who will seem like the most responsible parent!

[AcrossthePond55]

Just keep your eye on the 'prize'.

And it sure ain't him!!!

[cestlavielife]

if he doesn't fight any proposed child arrangements then it will be fine.

if he suddenly decides that actually he wants the child to live with him some or most of the time then you will have to see.

sometimes people suddenly change their tune when things are about to be taken away...dont assume he wont turn round and fight back.

be prepared to come up with an arrangement from the start where dad gets to see the child regularly.

op said - "He does love his son a lot, and he is a great dad when it's all about fun and games and learning things, " so I dont predict he will say quite happily: ~"oh yeh let him live with you full time and i will go off and live in a bed sit and not see him.."

approach it from point of view of splitting and making child arrangements whereby stb ex has suitable time with child.

[cestlavielife]

"he spends all day in nursery so his parent can play computer games (your husband). "

h wont tell a judge that tho will he -he will say "he goes to nursery while i study for a masters" "we share the picks ups and drop offs" - looks perfectly reasonable.

[mathsmum314]

You imply in original post that you would have stayed with him if he had agreed to more babies.

Stop the joint account asap, stop paying anything for him because your facilitating his peter pan fantasy. The lawyers will work out what you have to pay for.

Assuming your house is your only main asset you will be allowed to buy him out as you have said he couldn't buy you out. Where he goes to live and work or study will then determine when he is able to have DC.

As DC will soon be in school here is no reason why you can't be the parent with primary residence. And in my experience that would seem the logical choice as you would have the house, income, security, ability and desire to look after a child most of the time.

How much time he wants and gets will really depend on how quickly he grows up and gets his shit together. It does seem on first reading a pretty straight forward case for the lawyers.

[milliemolliemou]

Certainly drop the joint account ASAP and make sure you have records of outgoings of joint account for last 7 years. Set up your own.

[carefreeeee]

Surprised at all the talk of lawyers..is this the first port of call?

Can't you just discuss and agree how to split the childcare without involving lawyers? Surely you will both want to allow the other to spend time with the child, if there are no major issues

[AcrossthePond55]

carefreee Certainly it is. It would be for me, too.

There's nothing wrong with getting a legal opinion of what might be expected, what may be considered reasonable or unreasonable. That way you go into any negotiations from a position of knowledge. Stops you from proposing or being stubborn about something you might want that isn't reasonable and stops you from accepting something unreasonable proposed by the other party.

Forewarned is forearmed.

[Ambivalence]

It's certainly not reasonable that you are working full time while he refuses to work!

I'd be wary about paying for that course - you are making him look responsible.

I'd also be taking half my money from the joint account.

Is your son starting school in September? Custody is not going to be sothe before them so can you shorten your working days so you can do pick up and drop offs

Everyone I know who has been generous in a divorce has later regretted it. .

[Ambivalence]

I was in a similar position to the OP - working full time while my layabout (ex) husband refused to work. He was delighted when I got pregnant...he had designs on being a SAHP for the next 18 years, which I was to fund, of course.

Needless to say, he is still not working and doesn't,t pay a penny in child support...

Fortunately he had insisted on a prenup ( so he could live in my house rent free and never buy so much as a light bulb - as he explained - why should he contribute to my equity...

And he asked for a payout to get him started on his new life...as I had all this equity in a (mortgaged and lived in!) property, I should give some to him ...

Don,t give him money you will later resent - and hope for the best certainly, but prepare for the worst...

I've no doubt the time will come when my ex will fight me in court for custody....his mother funds his lawyers, while I use my salary to raise our child...

[cestlavielife]

why should she shorten working day and lose income?
makes no sense. pay after school club and pick up from there

[Stormtreader]

Is he actually working on his masters though, as in is on track and where he should be?
If he is, hes going to the 2 days of lecturers and doing all the home study/writing, then surely hes allowed to play computer games in his downtime?
Of course, if hes "doing a masters" but actually is doing nothing towards it then hes being a cocklodger, but is that the case?

I'm not sure there would be the same posts if a woman was posting "AIBU to put my child in nursery so I can focus on my masters?"

[Ambivalence]

He hasn't started the masters yet according to OP...

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

OP, you've been posting about him for years haven't you, nice to see you are moving forward.

[QuiteLikely5]

It's worrying you are only thinking about leaving this man because he won't give you another child...........

Despite all your attempts at justification it says more about you than it does him!

Is he ok as long as he is a sperm donor?

You are only thinking about what you want and not about the interest of the child

Very worrying and a road to nowhere/disaster

[Dontyoulovecalpol]

This is a question not a challenge but if he doesn't work would be able to pay a solicitor to fight for any sort of custody?

[Dontyoulovecalpol]

There is an underlying theme through this thread, which has been voiced by mathsmum314 that this is somehow the OPs fault. Why are we so eager to criticise other women even when they've clearly seen the light and moved on? It's horrible.

[Dontyoulovecalpol]

And quitelikelys post is worse