AIBU to think I should get custody?

[NeuroGirl]

I've reached the last straw with my husband and I want out.

We've been together for ten years, married for 5. He didn't have a job until three years into our relationship, then despite his extensive education has been doing a GCSE-level entry job no more than 20 hours a week, 35 weeks a year, never earning more than £9 an hour. This is because he likes his leisure time (to play computer games).

We have a four year old son who is wonderful and who I love beyond measure. I have worked 3-4 days a week since he was three months old, and since a 18 months old he has been in nursery at least 2 days a week to give my husband a break.

Now I'm working full time, and my husband is not working, and our son is in nursery 4 days at considerable expense.

He does the washing up, puts the laundry on (won't iron or put it away), puts the bins out and does some basic cleaning if I prompt him. Everything else is up to me to organise, plan and do.

I'm so fed up with having to work so hard to keep him happy, he's honestly worse than our son. The last straw was when he has now point blank refused to have another child (I've maintained since the beginning of the relationship that I'd like a big family) because it's too much effort.

I need out, but I really don't want to leave my son. I don't think he'd want custody, and I think he'd cope appallingly being a main parent (e.g. I get up with our son at 6:30 and he lies in til 8:30 pretty much every day, naps every afternoon...) but I know on paper it would look better for him as he's not working full time and he looks like a house husband and I look like a crazy career woman.

I am so worried that if it came to a custody battle he would win.

[cestlavielife]

Was he diagnosed clinically depressed by his gp ?

[NeuroGirl]

cestlavielife - no, never went to the GP. I think we only really identified it in retrospect. It was when I had to work away a lot and his hobby was having a winter lul and he just kept saying that life was dull and had nothing to look forward to. It was a really, really shit few months and I ended up crying in my bosses office with the pressure more than once.

[blondieblondie]

Why has he no intention of ever working full time?

[NeuroGirl]

Because he enjoys his leisure time and doesn't want the stress.

[DotForShort]

He has no intention of working full time ever again? And yet he is prepared for you to work full time to support him? I would imagine you might want more leisure time and less stress as well. But you are behaving like a responsible adult. Him, not so much.

[Sofabitch]

He sounds depressed.

Advise him to get medical help. Full time work can be a very daunting prospect to a depressed.person. but with help and support he might find motivation. But its not an easy road.

And get yourself legal advice if you want out.

[sleeponeday]

Starting point should be fifty fifty arrangement.

This is another Mumsnet myth. 50/50 shared care is not the standard and is not even that common, because it's not regarded as optimal for most children. It can work really well when parents are amicable and live near to one another, and it can be helpful conversely where there is such entrenched hostility that equal time means no parent has the whip hand, but the most common scenario is in fact to have one parent with more care - the other with every other weekend and one or two midweek nights, plus half the holidays. Because many, many kids do better when they feel they have one home, and one base. And it is what is best for the kids, not what is fair to the adults.

OP is nursery 9 - 3 pm type of arrangement, or are you talking cover over an adult working day - 8 - 6 type thing? Because if the former, then 3 days a week are standard and normal due to the free hours the state provides to preschoolers, and one more day doesn't seem that different.

You need proper legal advice. I'm glad you are seeing a solicitor who can give it.

[Beeziekn33ze]

He likes being the eternal student. I have a hardworking friend also married to one of those, occasionally stirs himself to work in a coffee shop for a while, occasionally fails an exam ... Determinedly unproductive because he's a mature student. Immature student more like!
OP Seriously, how much time a day does he spend on his computer games? His gaming may have become an obsession affecting his, and your, lives.

[Cheby]

Your H sounds like a lazy twat. It's no wonder you want to get divorced.

I'm no expert, but if it were me, I would quietly see a solicitor and get some proper advice (id probably pay for it, you're not going to make a proper plan in a 30 min free session). I'd collect together important documents or copies of documents, make sure I had some money put aside for emergencies, id keep a diary of what care you each provide for your DC on a daily basis so you can try and evidence that you are at least equal carers. And I'd wait until after October when he starts the course and your son is at school.

Good luck OP.

[NeuroGirl]

Definitely not depressed at the moment (I work in mental health!)

Nursery is 8-6 four days a week.

I think me having the majority of care, with him getting every other weekend and a midweek night would be ideal for everyone. I have no doubt that I would very shortly be asked to cover just another one or two weekends here or there so he could get away (in February/March he was away seeing friends for 5.5 out of 8 weekends). I just don't want him to think that by fighting to be main caregiver he can stay in the house, rather than having to move somewhere he could actually afford to live (which at the moment is a tent. Obvs I don't want my son to have the stay the night with him in a tent).

[cestlavielife]

Where could he move to ? His family? Would he get housing benefit ?

[MrsLindor]

In the 30 minute free session you will only get general advice about the process of divorcing, and the general rule of thumb for splitting assets etc.

You'll need to pay for specific advice on your particular circumstances, I started with the free advice session and was given the option to convertit to a paid session, which I did, it gives you the opportunity to get an idea of whether the solicitor is someone you can work with.

[Unicorntrainer]

You are working full-time, and paying for nursery care while he sits at home having his leisure time? Have I read that right?

[CalleighDoodle]

It isnt that ususual uni i know quite a few women who are sahm who put their children in nursery so they can have me time. Ive never understood it.

[sleeponeday]

8-6 4 days a week with a SAHP is absolutely shit, IMO. Given he would have 3 days a week with DS in preschool anyway, with the early years provision, that is just shockingly lazy, yes. I don't see how he can claim to be a SAHP with that set-up, because he's at home, but the child isn't.

I'd be making that diary of who does what, frankly. I am assuming you chose the nursery, and applied for the upcoming school, etc etc?

Having said that, it doesn't sound likely that he'd want to be the main carer anyway, does it? I mean, he has the opportunity and he's certainly not doing it - and if he were the parent with care, he'd have to pay for a third party to do it, or provide it himself. Which he clearly doesn't want to do.

I'd ask the solicitor what the financial arrangements are likely to be if you split now - funding that masters is a huge commitment, and presumably if you bought him out, he could fund it with that money instead.

What did he live on before you and he got together? His parents, or what?

[blondieblondie]

40 hours a week at nursery and he washes some dishes and sticks some clothes in the wash while you work full time. What a pathetic excuse for a "partner". Or father. I get that you want another child, but surely to god not with him?

[cestlavielife]

I totally get you had enough. How will he take it when you tell him?
But work out diff scenarios eg if he refuses to leave the marital home. What then ?
What rights he has...being married he does have rights?
What if he says you should leave ? Could you rent somewhere with ds?
As a lazy person he won't be saying ok right I will go...or will he ?
Will he be aggresive if asked to go?
What if any spousal maintenance he might be entitled to ?

[SalemsLott]

Jesus, what a cocklodging man child. Fgs don't have any more kids with this twat.

[AcrossthePond55]

Wait. Is this £12k that you're going to be forking over in one lump sum (or signing a contract to pay) in October? If so, I'd think very carefully before I did that if I was seriously contemplating separation as you'll never get a penny of it back and that amount of money could really set you on your feet in a new life.

Obvs if it's already been paid, it's water under the bridge.

[Shizzlestix]

Sincerely hope you're not planning on funding his £12 grand Masters?! Bloody bonkers! It's unbelievable that your DC is in nursery 4 days a week when dad is currently at home.

[Mycraneisfixed]

He won't get custody. You'd have to be a really awful mother for that to happen!

[cestlavielife]

You could say he isn't really awful either... lazy yes. No evidence stated of really awful neglect or abuse. But he could say - well we agreed dc in nursery while I study. ..I am doing a masters. If he wants to argue his case to have the child equally... (he may not?) Surely Most likely an equally responsible shared care arrangement which spells out how much time with each. Which could mean more time with mother for sure. Just consider how he might present his case once he realises what is at stake. Don't assume a judge - if it gets that far - will side with mn view he is a lazy so and so etc.
Of course maybe he will just agree, move out willingly; and opt for every other weekend... but life isn't always that simple is it?

[NeuroGirl]

So I've made a shortlist of solicitors to speak to tomorrow. How do things normally work after that? If I work out something with my solicitor that they think would be agreed by a court do I just present that to him as a plan?

I'm paying 5k fees for the masters, it's about 2k expenses and 5k of lost income as he won't even be working part time. I can't stop it being paid, we have a joint account, and anyway I do want him to be happy and think that there's far more chance of an amicable divorce if I don't argue. We/I will still have some savings left.

[MaudGonneMad]

Have you posted about your husband before?

[NeuroGirl]

Nope. I reached the end of my tether a couple of weeks ago. Up til then I thought (and he repeatedly told me) that this whole arrangement was perfectly reasonable.