To worry about PILs taking DD out and to ask them to let me know where they're going and what time they'll be back?

[MidnightMoths]

I'm so worried I feel sick. I don't know if this is normal PFB anxiety or my stress over their visit.

DD is 11 months, PILs are coming from overseas to stay in our house for 6weeks. I've never met them. DH reassures me they are careful, responsible people and has told them they can take DD out of nursery whenever they want for days out etc. (We have to pay for nursery anyway to keep her place).
Nobody apart from DH has ever taken DD out without me.

I'm worried for several reasons: they don't know the area, they speak very little English, they aren't first-aid trained. I know they dote on her (Skype every other day) but what if something happened? We live in a coastal town, you have to be careful of tides, cliffs, heavy traffic etc. She's crawling but not walking yet. Our house isn't baby proofed so she needs constant watching at home.

We won't be able to spend time with them all together as both of us go back to work the day after they arrive (we've got 2weeks annual leave towards the end of visit but couldn't get it earlier).

I would like to at least know where they intend to take her and when they'll be back, and for them to carry a mobile phone. AIBU?

[MrsJayy]

My aunt proudly walked down the street with her GGc the other week she is 74 her Gd was at the Drs so she babysat. Your anxiety is through the roof about this they are her grandparents who can cross a road and not let her crawl through dog poop. I would let them have her 1 day of nursery maybe after week 2 of them being here but honestly I think you are worrying and getting far to worked up into a tizz about it.

[Farfromtheusual]

You really expect everyone who comes into contact with you child to be first aid trained?? are you off your bloody rocker??

And a tracker? Seriously?

And considering you are so concerned with the above, i'm very surprised you haven't even baby proofed your own house

[MrsJayy]

Oh god dont get a tracker how insulting for them

[Dutchcourage]

Actually I'd say no. I'd be doing your best to book time off work and spend it as a group all together.

They might after a couple of days of looking after baby with you might not want to go the whole hog and go it alone.

[Roussette]

OP... I've brought up three strapping now adult DCs and I never told any babysitter what to do in a choking emergency. You could spend your life trying to cover every eventuality. Just think about how caring they are and how they managed your DS and make sure they have a gentle ease in, to your DDs ways and let them look after her. It's actually rather insulting to think you don't trust them at all. A tracker is an insult too. I would be so put out if someone put a tracker on me and it won't help your anxiety, it will make it worse.

My NDN threw (not literally) her little baby (6 months old ish) at me the other day when she had to go off on a bit of an emergency. I promise you it is like riding a bike, it all comes flooding back. I knew exactly what to do and took extra care of him just like your ILs will. In fact they will probably be so wrapped up in it, they'll forget to feed themselves!

[fairislecable]

I presume they will not take her out from day 1. Let the in-laws and baby get used to one another in the first week so they can watch and help you feed and bathe her.

Ath the weekend show them the nicest parks and walks and give them a list showing usual feed, snack and nap times.

You will all benefit from this interaction.

[diddl]

I do think that Op is being over cautious, but I also don't think that being a GP automatically means taht you will be able to look after your 11 month old GC who you have never met before.

[MidnightMoths]

You've all made me feel so much better!

Yes I appreciate a tracker is a bit extreme, I was thinking it could go in the pram basket where no-one would notice it But yes, it might make me worry more!

I can't take any time off work, that's the problem. Nor can DH. She has her nursery place open, but he thinks they'll want to take her out straight away. It's up to them how often they take her out, if they didn't want to she can just go to nursery as usual.

I'm a HCP so I update my first aid training yearly (including baby and child first aid). DH also took a day long course when DD was born.
All her nursery workers are first-aid trained. I do think it's important, knowing what to do in an emergency can save lives.

[EssexMummy1234]

I would get to know them a bit yourself first, so you can feel confident - it is a bit much to let strangers look after your 11 month old and not worry - just because they carry the title 'grandparents', e.g I might worry, do they come from a country where its common to drive on the other side of the road? at 70 odd it might take a bit of getting used to either driving here or our public transport system, what if they get lost and can't read our signposts or converse well enough in English to ask for directions.

[diddl]

" It's up to them how often they take her out, "

No, it isn't.

It's sad for them that this is the first time they will have seen her, but it isn't up to them what happens!

[Dutchcourage]

You do gave some say on this op, she is your daughter. You need to come to some sort of arrangement if you do allow them eg. Day and where they will be going do you can prepare clothes/bag/nappies ect.. Rather than ad hock. Plus it will give the nursary heads up if they know she won't be coming on a particular day.

If I was you, I'd throw a sickie in eork the first day and watch them with dd, then help them make pre arranged plans if they want to take her out. So you all know and the nursary what's going on

[PerspicaciaTick]

Presumably, they don't actually need to go out anywhere with her at first. They could spend the day with her at home, rather than instantly packing her in the car and driving miles. An 11 month won't be bothered about sight seeing and her GPs might feel more relaxed at home with all her bits and bobs to hand.

[Roussette]

I would too let them spend a couple of days at home with her first. Then you need to suggest places for them to go, especially if they aren't from this country.

It's a wonderful opportunity for them to bond with her and you to have a bit of a break. Let them do bath time for starters!

[MrsJayy]

I think you should keep her in nursery say to gp its her days to go and spend weekends out with them say to them you dont want her routine disturbed its less nutty than a tracker i get you are anxious they dont really know her but an odd day or 2 wont be a bad thing they will cope fine

[Lunar1]

If you made your home safe they could play happily there with her all day. You can repair any damage when you leave.

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

I think some folk are being unnecessarily harsh.

This would worry me too - you'll have a much better idea when you actually meet them. My PILs are getting on (similar age to yours OP) not frail in any way, but more than about an hour with DD was quite hard for them.

Definitely get them a mobile, and get DH to go through everything with them. Skype is not the same as real life, and DD will need a bit if time to get to know them.

And it is always basic common sense for the primary carer to have at least basic paediatric first aid knowledge.

[MagicMojito]

Well I don't think your being the tiniest bit unreasonable

There is not a chance in hell I would let 2 people, that I (or my dds) had never met (in the flesh) take my kids away alone. Especially if there is a language barrier and they've no idea of the local area. The fact that they are her grandparents is irrelevant IMO. I wouldn't allow it with my own parents in that situation.

My pil would never even dream of taking DD anywhere and not keeping me and dh informed on their whereabouts. Totally normal expectations.

This place is like a parallel universe sometimes

[GoblinLittleOwl]

I can understand your concerns. My main ones would be that they are unfamiliar with this country, don't speak the language, and have not developed a relationship with your daughter, or you,--yet. It was very foolish of your husband to say they could take her out etc until they have met and are familiar with each other. I am sure they will take good care of her, but if they don't speak English, how will they communicate properly?
I would insist that she continues her normal routine at nursery for the first week, you take and collect her with her grandparents, then when you have all spent the weekend together you will probably feel reassured and more happy to let them take her out, (but with a phone and knowledge of where they are going!)

[Fomalhaut]

My parents don't live in the same country as me. They do t speak the language here.

When they take ds out I do the following

Make sure they have a mobile that works here.
Give them travel cards
Note with things like the emergency number (our equivalent of 999) and the non urgent health advice number on
Our address and directions written in local language in case they get a taxi
Bus timetables
We tell them about anything local and specific

But to be honest I'd do that with any guest.

I think you should babyproof the house. Make sure they have a mobile. Make sure they know how to call an ambulance if they have to.
You can do all this delicately- just be straight with them and tell them you get really anxious. That you know they'll do a great job and have a great time, but here's the local info etc.

It will be ok :)

[ollieplimsoles]

Why has your dh told his parents they can take her out when ever they like?

I wouldn't be happy with this due to the fact you haven't met them, I wouldn't leave my child with anyone I didn't know, no matter what relation they were to me or her.

[coconutpie]

No way would I be allowing this. GPs or not, they are still strangers to your DD and at 11mo would possibly be upset if left alone with these strange people all day with no familiar face around. When your DD started nursery, presumably there was a settling in period, not the case here.

You're her mother and you decide what goes. I wouldn't be allowing this either. Either you or DH get the time off work and you go with them and DD or else DD goes to nursery. And if you do let them take her out, then of course you should know where they are going. Ignore those PFB suggestions, you're not.

[coconutpie]

And WTF was your DH thinking by telling them they could take her out without speaking to you about it first? They are complete strangers to you and DD, them being your PIL is irrelevant. Agree that mumsnet is a parallel universe sometimes!

You know, you have choices. You don't have to allow your DD be taken out with people who are strangers to you both. I would keep her in nursery - tell them that she's in a good routine there so you prefer to keep her in on the days you're working. Perhaps one day a week you and DH take a day off and spend that day plus weekend then with PIL and DD.

[Footle]

I suspect that as she's the first grandchild, they haven't yet experienced the bone-cracking exhaustion of baby/toddlercare for the older person. I'm prepared to bet they will take her out for the whole of the first day, and for dwindling amounts of time on the days after that, given the availability of nursery. You, or your husband, may end up being offended that they don't take her out enough.

[MaQueen]

OP you do know that this level of worry about your DD isn't healthy or 'normal', and I speak as someone who had PND, of which anxiety was the main symptom.

Syressing that they won't know how to navigate traffic? Wanting to hide a tracker in the pushchair? Not a normal reaction, and incredibly upsetting and insulting to your PILs, and I expect your DH would be horrified.

If you carry on like this, be prepared to potentially ruin your PIL's visit, and go cause a lot of bad feeling between you and your DH.

Obviously let your in-laws get acquainted with your DD over a few days, but then please let them take her out with a good grace and don't try and micro manage anything.

And speak to someone about your high levels of anxiety, you really don't have to suffer like this.

[MrsJayy]

maqueen is right your anxiety is really high