To worry about PILs taking DD out and to ask them to let me know where they're going and what time they'll be back?

[MidnightMoths]

I'm so worried I feel sick. I don't know if this is normal PFB anxiety or my stress over their visit.

DD is 11 months, PILs are coming from overseas to stay in our house for 6weeks. I've never met them. DH reassures me they are careful, responsible people and has told them they can take DD out of nursery whenever they want for days out etc. (We have to pay for nursery anyway to keep her place).
Nobody apart from DH has ever taken DD out without me.

I'm worried for several reasons: they don't know the area, they speak very little English, they aren't first-aid trained. I know they dote on her (Skype every other day) but what if something happened? We live in a coastal town, you have to be careful of tides, cliffs, heavy traffic etc. She's crawling but not walking yet. Our house isn't baby proofed so she needs constant watching at home.

We won't be able to spend time with them all together as both of us go back to work the day after they arrive (we've got 2weeks annual leave towards the end of visit but couldn't get it earlier).

I would like to at least know where they intend to take her and when they'll be back, and for them to carry a mobile phone. AIBU?

[Twinklestar2]

Id be scared too OP.

[Laquitar]

Kitty
OP's baby goes to ft nursery so she doesn't keep her baby prisoner in the cot. She does play.

[Laquitar]

Op i did have some worries too but trust me most people are 100% more cautious with the grandchildren than they have been with their own children.

My mum was very laid back with me. With my son she was over-protective.
Also she discovered Psychology -on tv programmes- and she kept talking about the baby's self esteem, awareness, self worth etc!!
One morning i was having a donut when feeding my son his baby porridge. She told me i should only eat healthu in front of baby because they learn by example. She was holding a fag when she was feeding me!!
Honestly they will probably be more protective than you and you will come back here to complain about this.

However if they dont speak english you can make a plan. Our plan was that in an emergencythey would ask someone to make the call because it is not point wasting precious minutes trying to communicate.
Near our local park and shopping centre there was a caffe where the owner and staff spoke my parents language. i told them to go there if they need smth.
At home my neighbour was working from home so i told them if there is emergency to call her .
Could you arrange something like this to put your mind in peace.

Don't worry about the water and the pebbles honestly. but regarding the language i understand. You just need to run together a plan in case of emergency.
Also the side of the driving.

[KittyLaRoux]

Its not mean.
OP is stupidly stressed. I doubt her child is allowed to move from the play mat!

Children benefit greatly from a varied upbringing. Overly anxious mum = overly anxious child.

[Peppapogstillonaloop]

That's really mean arethereanyleftatall

[arethereanyleftatall]

It might do the little girl some good to be with people a little bit more relaxed.

[Peppapogstillonaloop]

You do seem overly anxious but I can understand why. My DH parents raised their sons and they are all in one piece but they find it Really hard work now with the kids as they are older and tire more easily.

Perhaps you could suggest that to start with they pick her up from nursery and have her for a couple of hours the first couple of days so that they have time to rest but can still spend time together. Then they could up that to days out when they/you feel ok about it. It doesn't have to be up to them how often that is, she is your dd but bear in mind that they have come all this way and will be excited and doting.
And i don't think there is anything wrong with running through basic first aid with them, particularly choking esp given how old she is and likely putting everything in her mouth. Irresponsible not to imo.
I think you are letting your anxiety/need for control perhaps get the better of you though, wait and see how they are when they arrive, you might be pleasantly surprised and feel more relaxed.

[diddl]

Op is anxious but surely some posters are fuelling it-she hadn't even thought of a tracker herself!

[Phineyj]

I have struggled a number of times abroad understanding transit systems, with unfamiliar door locks, adjusting to traffic on the other side when jet lagged etc. I'd have hated to add 'how the hell does this pushchair unfold/door unlock/where sells milk' to that kind of stress.

It is the school and university holidays. If necessary, perhaps you could find a local teenager to show them around if they're very keen to day trip (which they may not be).

[Phineyj]

I don't think OP is overly anxious, just anxious. It's all an unknown quantity until she meets these people and gets to know them a bit. I know several families where the inlaws make extended visits to see GC and don't speak the local language in all three cases the language barrier has posed some real issues at times (for instance, the very nice GM of my neigbours' toddler locked herself out with the child and was crying outside, with no idea how to contact the son at work fortunately we were at home and able to sort it out).

If they are sensible people, potential issues will have occurred to them anyway! Don't assume that because your DH says XYZ, his parents will definitely be of the same mind.

Can you make the room your DD plays is as safe as possible and gate off the stairs and kitchen? That's worked for us and although we own the house, we haven't had to make any physical changes.

[Nanny0gg]

Why isn't your house baby-proofed? What do you do at weekends?

And if I found a tracker when I was out with a DGC, all hell would break loose.

Just sayin'...

[FreedomIsInPeril]

If you are seriously thinking of hiding a tracking device in a pushchair to track the grandparents, you've lost the plot of what is normal. Tell them not to come at all, the poor buggers are probably really excited at finally meeting their son's family, and his wife thinks they are old and stupid and can't navigate traffic or keep one small child alive for a day!

[MrsJayy]

maqueen is right your anxiety is really high

[MaQueen]

OP you do know that this level of worry about your DD isn't healthy or 'normal', and I speak as someone who had PND, of which anxiety was the main symptom.

Syressing that they won't know how to navigate traffic? Wanting to hide a tracker in the pushchair? Not a normal reaction, and incredibly upsetting and insulting to your PILs, and I expect your DH would be horrified.

If you carry on like this, be prepared to potentially ruin your PIL's visit, and go cause a lot of bad feeling between you and your DH.

Obviously let your in-laws get acquainted with your DD over a few days, but then please let them take her out with a good grace and don't try and micro manage anything.

And speak to someone about your high levels of anxiety, you really don't have to suffer like this.

[Footle]

I suspect that as she's the first grandchild, they haven't yet experienced the bone-cracking exhaustion of baby/toddlercare for the older person. I'm prepared to bet they will take her out for the whole of the first day, and for dwindling amounts of time on the days after that, given the availability of nursery. You, or your husband, may end up being offended that they don't take her out enough.

[coconutpie]

And WTF was your DH thinking by telling them they could take her out without speaking to you about it first? They are complete strangers to you and DD, them being your PIL is irrelevant. Agree that mumsnet is a parallel universe sometimes!

You know, you have choices. You don't have to allow your DD be taken out with people who are strangers to you both. I would keep her in nursery - tell them that she's in a good routine there so you prefer to keep her in on the days you're working. Perhaps one day a week you and DH take a day off and spend that day plus weekend then with PIL and DD.

[coconutpie]

No way would I be allowing this. GPs or not, they are still strangers to your DD and at 11mo would possibly be upset if left alone with these strange people all day with no familiar face around. When your DD started nursery, presumably there was a settling in period, not the case here.

You're her mother and you decide what goes. I wouldn't be allowing this either. Either you or DH get the time off work and you go with them and DD or else DD goes to nursery. And if you do let them take her out, then of course you should know where they are going. Ignore those PFB suggestions, you're not.

[ollieplimsoles]

Why has your dh told his parents they can take her out when ever they like?

I wouldn't be happy with this due to the fact you haven't met them, I wouldn't leave my child with anyone I didn't know, no matter what relation they were to me or her.

[Fomalhaut]

My parents don't live in the same country as me. They do t speak the language here.

When they take ds out I do the following

Make sure they have a mobile that works here.
Give them travel cards
Note with things like the emergency number (our equivalent of 999) and the non urgent health advice number on
Our address and directions written in local language in case they get a taxi
Bus timetables
We tell them about anything local and specific

But to be honest I'd do that with any guest.

I think you should babyproof the house. Make sure they have a mobile. Make sure they know how to call an ambulance if they have to.
You can do all this delicately- just be straight with them and tell them you get really anxious. That you know they'll do a great job and have a great time, but here's the local info etc.

It will be ok :)

[GoblinLittleOwl]

I can understand your concerns. My main ones would be that they are unfamiliar with this country, don't speak the language, and have not developed a relationship with your daughter, or you,--yet. It was very foolish of your husband to say they could take her out etc until they have met and are familiar with each other. I am sure they will take good care of her, but if they don't speak English, how will they communicate properly?
I would insist that she continues her normal routine at nursery for the first week, you take and collect her with her grandparents, then when you have all spent the weekend together you will probably feel reassured and more happy to let them take her out, (but with a phone and knowledge of where they are going!)

[MagicMojito]

Well I don't think your being the tiniest bit unreasonable

There is not a chance in hell I would let 2 people, that I (or my dds) had never met (in the flesh) take my kids away alone. Especially if there is a language barrier and they've no idea of the local area. The fact that they are her grandparents is irrelevant IMO. I wouldn't allow it with my own parents in that situation.

My pil would never even dream of taking DD anywhere and not keeping me and dh informed on their whereabouts. Totally normal expectations.

This place is like a parallel universe sometimes

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

I think some folk are being unnecessarily harsh.

This would worry me too - you'll have a much better idea when you actually meet them. My PILs are getting on (similar age to yours OP) not frail in any way, but more than about an hour with DD was quite hard for them.

Definitely get them a mobile, and get DH to go through everything with them. Skype is not the same as real life, and DD will need a bit if time to get to know them.

And it is always basic common sense for the primary carer to have at least basic paediatric first aid knowledge.

[Lunar1]

If you made your home safe they could play happily there with her all day. You can repair any damage when you leave.

[MrsJayy]

I think you should keep her in nursery say to gp its her days to go and spend weekends out with them say to them you dont want her routine disturbed its less nutty than a tracker i get you are anxious they dont really know her but an odd day or 2 wont be a bad thing they will cope fine

[Roussette]

I would too let them spend a couple of days at home with her first. Then you need to suggest places for them to go, especially if they aren't from this country.

It's a wonderful opportunity for them to bond with her and you to have a bit of a break. Let them do bath time for starters!