Potentially losing my neighbour a job

[facebookrecruit]

My neighbour is a right Royal pain in the arse but before I realised this I found out she is a massive attention seeker who fakes depression amongst other things (I'm not just guessing but it's a huge long story)
Any ways she advertises herself as a registered childcare provider on business cards in our local area. I've just made acquaintance with someone who is considering hiring her as a babysitter for her three DC one of which is a young baby with a health problem (neighbour has claimed she is experienced with poorly kids which is also a lie). Although I am 100% convinced she is not depressed she does take the 50mg tablets prescribed to her along with other heavy medication for 'chronic pain' another thing I also think is made up.
AIBU to tell this lady what I know before she trusts her with her kids? I don't want to sound like a bitch because I'm not keen on my neighbour but I wouldn't trust her with my much older DC never mind a baby

[LaurieMarlow]

Gosh OP, you come across so badly. I'm glad you're not my neighbour

[TheOddity]

You have come across badly in your OP as a massive stirring gossip. There is probably some truth on it, but if I'd heard you say that out loud I would a) dismiss it as a vendetta and take people as I found them/check qualifications and b) think a lot less of YOU. So be careful.

[junebirthdaygirl]

You cannot mention health stuff. But if she asks your opinion a slight hesitation and reluctance to say anything should be enough warning. Then she cannot tell neighbour you said anything but she will have been warned.
My dh has bipolar and in a very serious situation recently someone involved said l don't believe there is anything wrong with him, he is making it all up. I wish! And so does he.. Depression is not always a very obvious illness so be very careful. My dh gets far worse in stressful work situations. Actually work is probably his biggest trigger. He seems happy and outgoing to most people

[Spandexpanties]

You can't know for sure about the depression, you're not her GP and of course she's going to be trying to hold it together most of the time generally.

The qualifications are easy enough to check up on.

[trafalgargal]

If she already cares for other children OP how come you haven't brought your concerns to the attention of the authorities already ?

Still if the purpose of your post was to see how believable you were with your tale before you spoke to the other parent ...you have your answer.

[vjg13]

I agree with June, no need to go into any specifics but a vague reluctance to recommend should be enough. No details on her health or reputation.

[ilovesooty]

Jane are you planning to quiz your children's teachers about their prescribed medication?

[NellyMelly]

I'd want to know the neighbours opinion. Opinion is used in many aspects of life. I bet most of you check up on opinions of your holidays so why not check out opinion on childcare.

[snorepatrol]

I would want to know and then I could make an informed decision

[imwithspud]

How do you know she is faking depression? That's a very risky assumption to make (and unless you are her GP it will always be an assumption).

The qualifications can be easily checked, but you sound really nasty with the way you talk about this woman's health issues op.

[alltouchedout]

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that you wouldn't recommend her or use her as a childcarer yourself. You don't need one discuss your opinion of whether or not she has depression.
MN ideas of etiquette and priorities confuse me at times. If you genuinely do not think someone is able to look after a child safely then communicating that to a potential mindee's parent has to take precedence over "minding your own business" or similar.

[CremeBrulee]

You have no evidence do you? What a nasty, vicious, slanderous post OP.

[AbyssinianBanana]

What is so difficult to accept here? Huge backstory which would be massively identifying and the OP RIGHTLY DOESN'T WANT TO POST ON A PUBLIC FORUM.

Cue in 3 pages of but you don't know if she has depression because you refuse to tell us how you know.

Ffs

[EarthboundMisfit]

I would simply encourage your friend to check out her OFSTED/CRB/references etc.

If you have genuine evidence she isn't qualified, that's one thing. But you'd have to be very, very sure.

[Gottagetmoving]

The only decent thing to do is take it up with the actual neighbour.
If you are so concerned then speak to her and confront her with her 'lies' Tell her you are concerned she is not qualified to look after someone's children and show some concern that her depression could affect the job.
As you have no real evidence and your fears are based on what you think you know it would be wrong to pass this on to someone else.

[ChocChocPorridge]

When I was looking for a childminder I spoke to lots of people, I changed childminders after I just didn't get the right feeling from the first (and she produced no paperwork, often had too many kids, was over-priced, and plagued me for days over SMS about why I wasn't using her any more).

I realised thinking back, that anyone I spoke to about the first was either silent or non-commital. Everyone I spoke to about the second had an opinion, and that opinion was always good.

I think, that without saying anything overtly disparaging, you can get across that you don't think it's a great plan. Then the mother can talk to this woman and decide for herself if she feels uncomfortable too - home visits or a trial day would be sensible anyway.

She has asked you because you are this woman's neighbour, she's trusting you to give an honest opinion, this is about who looks after her kids, including a baby - it doesn't get more important than that.

[NellyMelly]

so what do the people here that think the post is vicious think the op should say to here friend about the childcare neighbour? would you just say I don't know and shut up on opinion. I would think my friend was not my friend if they didn't share their thoughts with me on such a crucial matter. I suppose that all the people here who say the op is wrong to share her thoughts never check or look up on any aspect of importance to them.

[WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant]

Your friend should be asking to see her certificates.

If she hasn't got them, then friend has a perfect reason to decline her services.

[molyholy]

You could have just put:

'A friend wants to hire a childminder, who, from what I am aware, is overstating her qualifications. Should I tell her?'

No need for your medical opinions whatsoever.

Tell your friend to make sure childminder is qualified as you think she may not be as experienced as she is making out. Simple.

[99GBPChargeToUseMyPostsJournos]

You say you are 'not guessing' about faking depression and other things, but then you say that you 'think' her chronic pain is made up.

Sounds like you are guessing to me.

I work with people that have chronic pain, and have to deal with people like you on a daily basis. People that believe if it's not visible it doesn't exist. People that think if someone is happy and smiling then they are clearly faking being in constant pain. People that think if you can walk ok then it can't be as bad as all that.

We live in a society that has lost empathy. I have even had someone in HR tell me about a colleague that was clearly taking the piss with the amount of time off work. This person clearly had not taken the time or made the effort to find out the history of this colleague and had very much taken it on face value that because the person in chronic pain wasn't in a constant grump about it, they were obviously just lazy.

Now I get that there are some people that take the piss and make a big deal about nothing. And your neighbour might be one of them. But you you have no way of knowing the level of pain she is in - and in my experience you wouldn't recognise the majority of people in chronic pain as being so.

Your neighbours pain is you neighbours pain. Whether it is physical, psychological or (as you suspect) made up, there is clearly an issue. People don't make up chronic pain unless there is an underlying issue - no matter what that issue is.

You don't like your neighbour. That's ok. But that does not give you the right to make her life more difficult. Would it be ok if she made your life more difficult if she doesn't like you?

Your acquaintance can make up her own mind about your neighbour. Or you can gossip and your acquaintance can make up her own mind about you.

[imwithspud]

You could have just put:

'A friend wants to hire a childminder, who, from what I am aware, is overstating her qualifications. Should I tell her?'

This.

The medical issues are irrelevant. If op has posted something along the lines of the above then I'd imagine she'd get a very different, more helpful response.

[MarcelineTheVampire]

To be a childminder you need to be inspected by and registered with ofsted. This is easily verified.

I'm pretty sure there are regulations about working with children with depression and/or other chronic health conditions but these would be notifiable to ofsted and so if they have given her the go ahead....

YABVU regarding her depression and other health conditions...you are not a doctor and don't know the ins and outs of her conditions. Disclosing this information is spiteful and as a pp said potentially slanderous.

[MunchCrunch01]

i think this is easy - you don't take risks with children: you express surprise that this person has experience with babies with health issues, and you say, of course, if I was hiring a babysitter I'd check the references and qualifications carefully. No slander, and if anybody tipped me the wink like that I'd be sure to check very carefully.

[MunchCrunch01]

the other stuff aside, pretending you've got experience with young children with health issues is pretty appalling in my book - that's life threatening potentially.