To have feelings for my junior colleague

[TheWayOfTheWorld]

Regular poster but have name changed for this. Background is that I am a line manager in a professional services industry, new guy joined the team last year and I was assigned to be his mentor. I am a decade older. We have worked closely together on a number of projects since he joined and have clicked like I have never clicked with anyone before (including my estranged husband).

We have a lot of the same interests and same viewpoint on many things. I could spend hours talking to him and generally I can't stop thinking about him. People in our team make comments about us being like a married couple.

I think the feeling is mutual from the way he:

• makes eye contact and looks at my mouth
  
• stands too close to me
  
• leans in close, nearly touching my hand when we are working through a document together
  
• looks at me when he thinks I am not watching
  
• remembers the tiniest details of things I said months ago
  
• apologises for something he didn't get right and says he is not sleeping, his head is in a mush (and then stares at me "meaningfully")
  
• comes to talk to me even when there is nothing work-specific he needs to see me about
  
• completely ignores me when we are out at work social functions (but I can see him watching me)
  
• one of his female work friends periodically makes comments to me about what a great guy he is (probably not explaining it well, but she isn't very subtle and is clearly digging for what my opinion on him is)
  
• is very competitive with me over stupid things (in a humorous not aggressive way).
  

He has a girlfriend. From what he has said, I don't think he is actually that keen on her eg he is meant to be staying at hers but doesn't want to go; he's not overjoyed that he received an invitation to an event with a plus one which she saw so he had to take her; his dad has commented that it isn't good to stay with someone if you are not really into them, etc. He goes out to things with her and then says to me that when he was there he was thinking that I should go as I would enjoy it, I would have got the jokes etc etc.

So what's holding me/him back? Well, I'm his boss, so that's difficult for both of us. The thought of making a move and being rejected makes me want to curl up with shame. Assuming I am reading all the signals correctly, I expect there is a similar issue for him. I have wondered if some of the things he has said have meant to be cues for me to be the one to make a move, but I have always chickened out. I think because despite everything I have typed, I find it hard to see what he would see in me - I look pretty good for my age (which he had commented on a number of times) and my figure is ok but I am no great beauty! This is my own insecurity talking, I know. I need to remind myself that actually I would be a pretty darn good catch!

The other thing is that he really wants children and I worry he thinks that I don't want any more and/or I'm too old. But I'm not, I've got a few good years left in me!

Sorry for the essay, I suppose I have downloaded everything as it is not really something I can talk to anybody about in real life. I fully expect to be told to get a grip, stop behaving like a lovelorn teenager etc. I am also hopeful that there will be some success stories out there too, whether that be success in getting over it or success in getting together. Leaving my job or moving teams is not a feasible option.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I disagree that you are getting a hard time because of the sexes involved. I think if a man came on here and started talking about a younger, female, attached subordinate they would get their arse handed to them. And rightly because it's a terrible bloody idea. Either you're wrong and considering sexually harassing a junior or you're right and he's a sleazy shit. Lose lose.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

He can send out all the signals in the world to indicate his interest, but only one of them has any actual credibility.

And that's breaking up with his girlfriend.

You can't possibly consider making any sort of move in him until after that has happened.

Surely that's easily acknowledged, on your part?

That's really all you need, to put this into a box in your head. As long as the girlfriend is on the scene, any and all flirtations on his part are creepy and meaningless. In fact, they're actually pretty insulting to you, and to the person who is his girlfriend. A role you're interested in applying for - even though he's showing you how he behaves to that person.

[trafalgargal]

I think people have been quite harsh but work politics aside. He has a girlfriend - he has known you a while and is still with her so he's at best hedging his bets and at worst a sleaze. Either way unless you like men who play games steer clear.

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

I'm sorry if this feels like a pile on but, I agree with the analysis by yorkshapudding that of scenario 1-5, 5 is least likely.

I'd leave well alone.

Maybe now would be a good time to start looking outside of work for a potential and suitable partner? This guy is off limits, but there are loads who aren't, and you know you will make a good catch so... Time to go fishing!

[Stardustlady]

Op I think the only way you can ever find out if this can go anywhere is to get a new job in a different company, or wait till he does. Once that happens there's absolutely no reason for you to not have a relationship and if he feels the same way he will end things with his GF. In the meantime can you try to look outside of work for a relationship as it doesn't sound as if this is making you very happy. You deserve more than this.

[SeasonalVag]

All you can take from this, OP is a confidence boost.
And don't do the coy bashful thing either, retain control. You're his boss. Dont let the cheeky little upstart unsettle you!

[Evergreen17]

OP he has a girlfriend.
If you respect yourself you would stop your argument there.

No matter if male of female.

[TheWayOfTheWorld]

Deep down I know you are right about his girlfriend. Sometimes it is hard to get perspective and see outside the little bubble. He is away this week so I shall get my head down and reinforce my resolve.

[A11TheSmallTh1ngs]

Start dating again. Divert your interest elsewhere.

All the standing too close, complimenting your body and staring at you balefully is VISIBLE TO EVERYONE ELSE. Please please please exit this with some dignity.

[TheWayOfTheWorld]

A11, why am I the one without any dignity in this scenario? I am not sniffing round after him or responding to any of this. Do you mean I should be putting my foot down more?

[ClopySow]

No. You just shouldn't respond to any of it.

[waterrat]

Op you have seriously had a hard time here !

He probably fancies you and enjoys flirting with you but...he has a girlfriend !!! They are not married and dnot have children ..he is a young man. Therefore you can safely assume he is with her because he wants to be.

As many many people do (and I have certainly done in my time when I was young and immature) he is downplaying his relationship because it means he can keep flirting with you which he is enjoying.

You have no reason to feel at all ashamed and people are being rude to suggest that.

I remember having a long running flirtation with a colleague who had a girlfriend...I knew deep down though thst neither of us would ever make a move because while someone is in a relationship they are not available.

Take the confidence boost..enjoy the flirtation and then give your head a wobble and use that new confidence to go and look for someone who is available.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

I think that is a very reasonable post from waterrat!

I'd say that the reason people keep going on about retaining your dignity (and his!), is because of the fact that your colleagues will all have noticed.

I work in a big organisation with many people on my floor. I know who's friends with whom, and I notice who spends time chatting with certain people over others.

I'm older now, but I also worked in a far more social organisation in my 20s, and it was a hot bed of flirtation and dalliance. I know, because DH and I got together there after many a drunken night out!

Everyone knew exactly what was going on, who was seeing whom, including the illicit affairs that more senior people assumed were secret. We 'came out' immediately, to deflect any gossip - keeping it hidden would've been pointless.

I think that's where the general cautioning is coming from. Just a 'be careful, because people will have noticed', type place.

[LikeDylanInTheMovies]

You need to start polishing your CV.

Is that a euphemism?

[EveryoneElsie]

Its sexual harassment in the work place. You didnt invite it, you haven't reciprocated. He hasnt asked you out for a drink outside of work.
Everyone has noticed it. People are commenting in it.

The fact you find him attractive is irrelevant, its not at all appropriate for him to act the way he does.
There is nothing good happening here. Put up a wall between the two of you.

[LellyMcKelly]

He has a girlfriend. He's flirting with you to give himself something to do during the day. Stay back.

[Couldashouldawoulda]

I think he does probably fancy you, but please just keep that as an ego boost in your mind, and don't make a move. It's important to retain your dignity in this situation. I get the impression that he won't make one either, although he's enjoying flirting with you.

[FFTransform]

I think he probably does fancy you on a certain level - but not enough to take it to the next step. I don't think he is being manipulative but having a nice time at work without thinking about consequences.

As the boss you do have to think about consequences, and if I were you I would try to damp down the instinctive response of flirtatious behavior that your body wants you to do

I would also think about my life generally; you say you have an ex, have you been single for a while? It seems that you sound ready for trying a new relationship. Sorry if I get this wrong - but could this be the time as a previous pp said to go and have some fun dating

[TheWayOfTheWorld]

I want to thank everyone for giving me some perspective on this. Of course it is nice to get some attention, but it needs to be the right sort of attention.

Just to address the "ignoring" thing. We ignore each other at large work functions (frankly it is easier as I get quite flirty when I've had a drink and don't trust myself). He may not talk to me, but he always ends up in my vicinity (in a different group) and watches me. In smaller groups (lunches, dinners) he nearly always sits next to me or opposite me (and no, that is not because it is a table for 4 or 6 ) he even apologised once for sitting next to me "again".

Once someone else was going to sit next to me and he plonked down his wallet and phone on the table and almost elbowed the other person out of the way. Was really quite bizarre. Another time someone was about to take the chair opposite when musicial chairs ensued and he ended up with it. I suppose that sort of thing is obvious to other people too, as many of you have pointed out...

On "nice way to pass time at work", the time we spend talking etc means an already long working day can be extended quite a lot for him, so he's making things harder for himself.

I know like I sound as if I'm making excuses for him - and no, I don't want to think badly of him - but I am determined to take control and sort this out.

Thank you for letting me use this thread as a place to download everything that has been going on in my head and helping me to see sense.

[Henrysmycat]

He fancies you, OP. Now, if he'd fancy you outside the office environment is anyone's guess. If he only sees you as an adventure to be had with the boss, only he knows. Power is a great aphrodisiac in both sexes. I've been in similar positions many many times. Mainly, because I'm in field of work where the male to female ratio is 10 men-1 woman and that includes the support staff. Couple that with a job that needs a lot of 'PR' and 'nurturing' to get those 'scientist' to do anything that is not related to their field and you get a bit of a fan club. Either ones that fancy you because they spent their lives with men doing geeky stuff and not having much contact with the opposite sex or the players that wanna flirt/shag one of the very few available women that has any power around.
Half way through my career and having advanced fairly fast, I acted upon it. He was a bit younger, I was his indirect boss, he dropped his on-off girlfriend from uni, etc.
Reality outside the office was not all that. We did lasted less than a couple of years, I moved companies and he left me for his next boss. It was a blessing in disguise. It happen early on, had just turned 30 and it taught me a valuable lesson of mixing business and pleasure.
But again, that is only my experience and my position. You need to find your own path.

[baffledmummy]

OP...I feel for you, but in line with the general themes in the comments so far, don't do it! I worked for a prof services firm for 10 years and I know that even in a company where staff relationships are very common, this would damage your career and reputation massively regardless of whether he responds positively. Do you really want to be that person that everyone talks about behind your back? How would you feel if you saw one of your female peers having a relationship with one of her team 10 years her junior? Completely unimpressed I'd guess and you WOULD judge her. No harm in day dreaming but you can't let anything come of this.

[dangerrabbit]

I think it sounds like he's flirting with you to help advance his career. You are not blind to the power dynamics at play here and need to take back control and "show him who's boss" by not responding to his flirting.

A relationship would be ill-advised anyway as he has a gf so clearly not looking for anything serious.

[ReginaBlitz]

I think you have been watching too many rom coms by the sound of it! You are in cloud cuckoo land plus he has a gf pretty shit thing to be considering.