To have feelings for my junior colleague

[TheWayOfTheWorld]

Regular poster but have name changed for this. Background is that I am a line manager in a professional services industry, new guy joined the team last year and I was assigned to be his mentor. I am a decade older. We have worked closely together on a number of projects since he joined and have clicked like I have never clicked with anyone before (including my estranged husband).

We have a lot of the same interests and same viewpoint on many things. I could spend hours talking to him and generally I can't stop thinking about him. People in our team make comments about us being like a married couple.

I think the feeling is mutual from the way he:

• makes eye contact and looks at my mouth
  
• stands too close to me
  
• leans in close, nearly touching my hand when we are working through a document together
  
• looks at me when he thinks I am not watching
  
• remembers the tiniest details of things I said months ago
  
• apologises for something he didn't get right and says he is not sleeping, his head is in a mush (and then stares at me "meaningfully")
  
• comes to talk to me even when there is nothing work-specific he needs to see me about
  
• completely ignores me when we are out at work social functions (but I can see him watching me)
  
• one of his female work friends periodically makes comments to me about what a great guy he is (probably not explaining it well, but she isn't very subtle and is clearly digging for what my opinion on him is)
  
• is very competitive with me over stupid things (in a humorous not aggressive way).
  

He has a girlfriend. From what he has said, I don't think he is actually that keen on her eg he is meant to be staying at hers but doesn't want to go; he's not overjoyed that he received an invitation to an event with a plus one which she saw so he had to take her; his dad has commented that it isn't good to stay with someone if you are not really into them, etc. He goes out to things with her and then says to me that when he was there he was thinking that I should go as I would enjoy it, I would have got the jokes etc etc.

So what's holding me/him back? Well, I'm his boss, so that's difficult for both of us. The thought of making a move and being rejected makes me want to curl up with shame. Assuming I am reading all the signals correctly, I expect there is a similar issue for him. I have wondered if some of the things he has said have meant to be cues for me to be the one to make a move, but I have always chickened out. I think because despite everything I have typed, I find it hard to see what he would see in me - I look pretty good for my age (which he had commented on a number of times) and my figure is ok but I am no great beauty! This is my own insecurity talking, I know. I need to remind myself that actually I would be a pretty darn good catch!

The other thing is that he really wants children and I worry he thinks that I don't want any more and/or I'm too old. But I'm not, I've got a few good years left in me!

Sorry for the essay, I suppose I have downloaded everything as it is not really something I can talk to anybody about in real life. I fully expect to be told to get a grip, stop behaving like a lovelorn teenager etc. I am also hopeful that there will be some success stories out there too, whether that be success in getting over it or success in getting together. Leaving my job or moving teams is not a feasible option.

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

I've been the junior in this kind of flirty situation and nothing happened because I thought he was a super creep. Don't be that creep!

[harshbuttrue1980]

I think that people are being a bit unfair. Relationships do happen between boss and junior, and I don't think people would be as harsh if the boss was the older male rather than the other way round. There's no reason why it couldn't be the case that he likes you in the same way that you like him. However, depending on the work environment, it may be the case that you might not be able to line manage him anymore if a relationship did develop. A lot of men like older women, and he maybe can't believe that you'd be interested in him. I doubt he'll ask you out, with you being his boss. To test the water, I think you'd have to ask him if he wants to go to something sort of work related, like a lecture in your field of interest etc.

[EveryoneElsie]

Stop acting like he's a catch, he;s a creep who plays games, drops hints and slags off his GF behind her back.
Shes his boss. This can only end one way.

No one here is going to pay OP's mortgage when she loses her job and has trouble finding another one.

[A11TheSmallTh1ngs]

He's making a fool of you. Probably laughs behind your back about how he thinks you're pathetic.

Also your work reputation would be destroyed and probably is being destroyed.

[EastMidsMummy]

If he leaves his girlfriend, everything's different.

Until then, he's attached.

[Squiff85]

Wow some harsh replies!


I don't know how you move forward from here but I certainly don't think this puts yours job on the line. So many people meet at work.

Good luck OP!

[TheWayOfTheWorld]

Right, I am going to try and address various of the replies/themes but may need more than one post to do so.

As per my earlier post I am not someone who thinks everyone fancies them or gets a crush on people at work. This is the first time for either in a career which started in the 2000s. That is probably why I am scrutinising things to an Nth degree, because it is such unfamiliar territory.

Secondly, I am not inviting or encouraging attention or throwing myself in desperation at a younger man. I do not respond to these various things in anything other than a professionally friendly way. With regards to the comments he makes about his girlfriend, I tend to take her side, tell him he sounds like hard work and that I think he is making things up to try and sound funny. I do not flutter my eyelashes, flick my hair or show off my cleavage.

I may have all this inner turmoil, but that is where it remains, inside me. I therefore struggle to see how I am making a fool of myself or people are laughing at me . My job is certainly not at risk (although it definitely wouldn't do my reputation a huge amount of good - whereas he would be seen as some sort of hero I'm sure ), it is more I can't end the situation by moving myself to a new role, so need to deal with it in another way.

Thirdly, he does not get an easier ride by working with me, so I find it hard to see how he is playing me on that front. The hours have been really long and because of my personal feelings I am probably harder on him than I would be on someone else, although I do try hard to be scrupulously fair.

Having said all of that, I do agree with the comments about how he is probably one of those people on the lookout for a better thing but not brave enough to end one relationship without having the next one lined up. I also agree that the girlfriend comments do not show him in the best light.

I will be back later to address anything I may have missed

[yorkshapudding]

I think there are a number of possibilities based on the information in your OP

1.) He is flirting with you because he's into the whole "office junior gets seduced by Boss and shags her in her office" type fantasy. Very far removed from you fantasising about having kids together. The fact that he thinks it's ok to slag off his own GF to all and sundry as soon as her back is turned also makes me suspect that he's the type who, if you did shag him, would delight in bragging about it to the lads down the pub and quite possibly your other male colleagues.

2.) He's flirting with you because he thinks you can advance his career

3.) He's flirting with you because he knows you fancy him and he enjoys the attention/ego boost.

4.) A combination of all of the above

5.) He feels the same as you, is fantasising about leaving his girlfriend and starting a family with you etc.

On balance, I'm sorry, but I think option 5 is the least likely. If he was as unhappy with his GF as he makes out he would end it. They aren't married, they don't own property together, there are no kids involved so why wouldn't he ditch her if he was falling for you? I doubt very much that if he was falling for you, he is holding back because you're his boss. You have much more to lose than he does career wise. He ignores you on work nights out which, traditionally, if you are romantically interested in a colleague this would be the times when something is most likely to happen or at least when you might take the opportunity to spend time with the object of your affection outside of work. The fact that he openly flirts with you despite having a girlfriend also makes him sound like an immature twat, exactly the kind of immature twat who would happily let you throw away your career for him then decide that his GF isn't so bad after all actually and feel no responsibility towards you whatsoever. My money would be on option 4 I'm afraid.

I'm sorry. I know this must all be very difficult to read

[areyoubeingserviced]

I think that some posters have been a bit harsh on the OP
She said that this has not happened to her before and therefore I think it is unfair to label he as some sort of raging middle aged
temptress. He probably has feelings for the OP
His age is not an issue imho. However, thefact that he has a girlfriend is an issue.

[KissMyArse]

I think he probably wants the thrill of an affair with an older woman, but not a relationship.

If that happened and your work found out then he would probably play the sexual harassment card (using your senior position ... if you pardon the pun).

Flirt away but I wouldn't advise taking it any further.

[TheWayOfTheWorld]

Whilst I take on board many of the comments, I think it is depressing that if I was a man and colleague was a woman posters would not be calling me desperate, saying people are laughing at me and that I would lose my job - the age gap and, to a lesser extent, the boss/subordinate aspect, would attract a lot less negative comment.

I also want to put the record straight: I am NOT dreaming of starting a family with him. He has said a number of time that he wants children and that could make an older woman potentially seem less of a "viable" option.

I am rather depressed by it all. If I ignore everything else, disregard the fact I am older, he is attached etc (which I know in reality I can't) we have so much in common and I love spending time with him. Being a responsible (and, yes, moral) grown up stinks sometimes

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

The only two factors that are important are that you are his boss, and he has a girlfriend.

Unless those two factors are removed it's a disastrous situation.

[Euripidesralph]

Honestly I would comment to same way whether you were male or female and have seen it happen to male bosses as well (in one disastrous situation he acted and messy is an understatement of the consequences....he will literally never work in our industry again....although granted that was extreme and he was a total that about the whole thing ).....OK to take your point that you have kept your feelings etc under wraps and maybe he is on the level but it's a huge risk for you.....and it really does sound like you have a lot more to lose professionally than he does

But I agree it sucks to be the moral grown up but you genuinely sound as if you have a conscience and I doubt you'd be able to forgive yourself if you acted when you know he has a girlfriend

[A11TheSmallTh1ngs]

The thing is: If your crush is so hidden, why are people in the office calling you husband and wife and fishing for your feelings about him? I think you underestimate how easily people can read you.

He really is stroking your ego with all the comments about his gf. I also think plenty of older men get heir egos stroked by younger women tbh!

[AnyFucker]

All the office know. Believe that at least.

[fatmomma99]

I think the most important thing you need to consider is how is doing in his role?

If he's brilliant, he might be manipulatively planning to replace you.
If he's utterly shit, he might be using his 'charms' to distract you from that.

If he's doing fine, maybe he just likes you.

I agree with all the PPs who think you have more to lose than he does and the even more PPs who think that this is a shit way to treat his gf. So for those two reasons, I would say proceed with extreme caution.

But he does sound fun to work with. I'm sure he puts a spring in your step.

Also work crushes are a bit different to RL, aren't they? We're often at our best a work - we're our most awake, we wear different clothes/make up, we're intelligent, etc. It's not slobbing on the sofa in pjs on MN and farting, is it (now THAT would be a dream job!)

[blueshoes]

First of all, look up what the HR policy is on office romance. Since he is in your vertical, there would be conflicts of interest on your part if you do start a relationship with him. The policy may be that you have to disclose your relationship (and recuse yourself from doing his performance reviews) or maybe one of you may have to change department. Best to check first.

Secondly, to avoid sexual harassment, it is safer if he made the first (clear) move. That would at least tell you he is pursuing rather than you thinking he likes you in your head. Of course it is no guarantee against him bringing a sexual harassment claim, if the relationship or his career in the company went sour, as it will still be his word against yours.

Agree that if people are calling you a married couple, that they have twigged the chemistry. From your description of his actions, how people have cottoned on and the fact he still has not made an honest move, he sounds like a player to me. He can surely see you have more to lose by making the first move.

The safest for you is to leave the ball in his court. This is because he is your subordinate and he has an existing girlfriend. It is too risky for you otherwise. It sucks to be a grown up manager.

[Eminado]

He has a girlfriend.

That is where any further analysis should have stopped.

Connection or whatever, click or no click:

He.has.a.girlfriend.

[BadLad]

In my workplace everyone is having it off with each other and it is quite accepted.

Is it just me who wondered where this poster works and if they have any vacancies?

[HooplaLoopla1]

BadLad I was just thinking the same!

[HooplaLoopla1]

FWIW, I think a lot of these replies are v harsh IMO. Have none of you ever had feelings develop for someone who you shouldn't of gone there with? This may apply to the OP and her colleague.

OP tread carefully, obviously this is your career, but in all honesty, this is also your choice. Wait for him to make a move, make a move, just enjoy the flirtatious stuff and it makes your day go quicker...whatever you decide to do just make sure you're ok with your decision.

Fair enough, he's got a gf and he's not talking about her lovingly-I think quite a few posters have forgotten they come on here and slate their OH. That's ok apparently, but saying it to a colleague isn't... I'm not saying he's covered himself in glory, but this stuff does happen!

[EveryoneElsie]

People arent being harsh for fun or to put anyopne down.
This wouldnt be in AIBU if OP wasnt considering making a move, and people are giving OP a wake up call.
OP needs bucket of cold water thoughts, not hearts and romance and Good on you Go For It bullshit.

He's playing her. At work. This is not ok, she should back straight off and not even entertain the thought.
And very few people here would be different if it was the other way around. She would still be the OW.

[Eminado]

Hoopla

Did you miss the bit where the guy is with someone else???

Your advice is keep flirting with someone who has a girlfriend?

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

What's all this bull about "middle aged" . I wish people would refrain from misogynistic ageist stuff like that. People aren't defined by their age. People of middle age still have feelings and they aren't ridiculous because of their age.

OP you sound lovely to me. But you can't go there..since a) he has a girlfriend and b) you are his boss. If he splits up with her then could consider leaving job if genuinely want relationship but at moment just sounds like a crush. Which hopefully will pass.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

It's creepy for him to be talking about his gf like that. He probably isn't a great catch, it's just a chemistry and forbidden fruit thing.