AIBU to think other half has done this to piss me off??

[ErNope]

I don't know if i'm stressing over nothing, as money is v tight at the moment.
a family member gave me a scratch card in a birthday card expects raised eyebrows its a running joke in the family, before anyone asks :D
I won what I thought was £15, So I asked OH if there is anything he needed/wanted (As we do when we get any small amounts of money) or if he wanted a cheap takeaway as a treat or something. OH says no.
I then say ok, X y and z clothing items are wrecked so I'll be sourcing replacements on Ebay. So I went out, cashed the scratch card and was given 20, I queried this and was told I'd read the symbols wrong not a gambler, as you've probably guessed! Never won anything on the odd occasions i've tried my luck either...
Since it was an extra 5, I didn't think to query again if he wanted anything, so went home, ordered 3 items (Boots, as mine are wrecked, leggings and a top coming to £13, if relevant) While I was checking out and choosing delivery options I told OH about the extra 5, after I'd checked out, he then messaged me saying ''Oh great can we get takeaway with the 20?'' I now feel horribly guilty as I have spent it, and considering cancelling my order, but AIBU to think he's done this on purpose? For info, I grew up in a household that didn't have much, very unhappy household for other reasons also and we were regularly guilt tripped out of not buying things for ourselves (ie with pocket money, or gift cards from family and friends on birthdays etc) so I've always found it hard to buy things for myself if someone else wants/needs something. I've gotten better but this situation just makes me feel sick (Which I know and agree is MY problem) and I feel really upset/guilty and like an awful person for this now as he wants something and I've already spent the money whereas if he'd told me when I'd asked, 1hr prior, I wouldn't have spent a penny. yes I know its a first world problem too

[ErNope]

I've not defended him doing it on purpose at all, The only thing I've defended is him being controlling about money, he's not, in fact, I control the household finances. I have led this cutback. I make 99.9 percent of important decisions, with his agreement and when he gets money, be it from work, a birthday card or even an online survey or similar it is shared. I am not abused and I am not controlled but I do have issues stemming from a past relationship and my childhood (mainly my childhood) which does make this difficult and I was asking if he was BU to change his mind/tell me he'd changed his mind so late on after being double and triple checked with and talking to me while I was ordering bits and pieces.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Happy birthday. Enjoy your presents guilt free, sounds like you got some great bargains.

Hope you win the jackpot next year. It's hard to be constantly struggling and worrying about money.

[TimetohittheroadJack]

I don't think anyone has suggested you shouldn't get a takeaway. Everyone has suggested its your money to spend on whatever you want.

I (and others) suggested that you could spend the rest of it on a fake away/ fish and chips and still come in under £20.

If your sister stays the odd time I can't see how an extra few hours of one light being on is making much of a difference to your electricity bill.

[shovetheholly]

Er, I don't think anyone is saying you shouldn't get a takeaway! That certainly was NOT what I was trying to say. I was endeavouring to make the point that your basic needs trump his wants. You state that you would be uncomfortable in converse or open flats at work, which to me defines a 'need' for boots!! I absolutely wouldn't condemn you if you had a takeaway instead - everyone deserves a treat sometimes. But the way you phrased it initially, it sounded like YOU wanted clothes and HE wanted a takeaway. I was trying to say YANBU for spending the money on yourself, whatever you choose to get.

[dowhatnow]

Then if he hasn't done it on purpose then he wasn't bu to change his mind if he hadnt read the email. A bit thoughtless perhaps, if he knows how you think but tbh I think it is your issue that you need to sort out. Him stepping on egg shells around you, always having to think of your reaction, isn't a good thing for a relationship long term. Give him the benefit of the doubt and perhaps take steps to sort out this irrational guilt.

[NickiFury]

Ok to get to the centre of the problem. Does he regularly make you feel guilty for spending money on yourself. Given that you think he may have done this on purpose, ask why that is? Is it something you've picked up on before?

Please do not justify what you spent your money on. The fact that you need to do so even to people on here makes me think even more that there's a problem with your relationship.

[ErNope]

I know its a better decision but a PP (Doreen I think, So sorry if I'm wrong) have said something like ''Why are you buying a takeaway if you have no other spare money anyway'' why not :S Surely spare money IS for treats?
I'm sure most were trying to be supportive but I do genuinely resent the implication that someone who has a bit of spare money can't spend it on whatever they like :s Yes I chose clothes but surely a takeaway would've been just a valid an option to choose if that is what I wanted? As it happens it WAS between clothes and a takeaway, i'm very easy to please Clothes will lose hate shopping unless something has specifically broken or is desperately needed, But I did break my boots so it was good to get new ones. I didn't really bargain for having my spending habits and choices debated and it seemed like a rather judgy comment. Apologies if I just misunderstood.

[dowhatnow]

Oh op I think everyone was trying to be supportive, not judging you on what you actually spent it on. Everyone was trying to say that it was ok for you to spend your birthday money on whatever you wanted to, not spending it because if your feeling guilty issues.

Tbh you sound quite hard work, reading slights in thing that people say. We don't know whether it was a deliberate slight from you dh or not. We don't know your relationship and the context but it does sound as if you are super sensitive. Can you get counselling or read up on a few books?

[shovetheholly]

I think what I'm struggling with - and perhaps some other posters too - is not your spending decisions AT ALL but why you are so upset and anxious about having spent £20 on yourself instead of your partner. That seems to be at the heart of this.

You could be a people-pleasing person who just wants to make other people happy to a self-sacrificing degree (in which case, I would say I understand because I am like that but you need to stop stressing - you're allowed some nice things too!). But there is also the more worryin possibility that I think Nicki is raising that someone knows you are a people-pleaser and is using guilt and bullying to control your spending in ways that are more concerning. I think we are all a bit worried about you, rather than being judgey. It may be that those worries are misplaced and that the financial decisions are all very mutual. We just want to make sure you are OK I guess.

[ErNope]

NickiFury- He's done this about 15 times in the 5yrs,. Very similar situations(Except without being in such a tight budget) stropped afterwards once. I've asked him not to do it (Because of how, even if unreasonable, it makes me feel) and he's not THAT bad for doing it.

[Akire]

Was kind of you to offer he said no, no reason to be guilty. If you are that broke then makes more sense thank you buy clothing that will last months than meal last few hours

[branofthemist]

Op I mean this in the nicest possible way, Yabu.

You seem quite defensive and are tweaking things.

Simple fact is, if my dh thought I would do something to make him feel bad on purpose I would be thinking 'what does he think of the person I am that I would do that'. I would be hurt and pissed off. Because I wouldn't go out of my way to hurt anyone.

Either your OH is a controlling dick who did this to upset you, or you are the type of person that assumes everything someone does is to upset you.

I couldn't live with someone whose assumption was that I was going out of my way to make them feel shit.

[shovetheholly]

OK, so he throws 3 major strops a year about it? Most couples occasionally have a bit of a disagreement about money, but there is a difference between blazing rows and a discussion and a rational decision that you reach together about your future goals after a bit of to-and-froing of negotiation.

What about other behaviours - are there any small needlings at you about money? Are you made to feel any guilt about smaller things, like bills, groceries, that sort of thing? It might not be the whole, large five star guilt trip experience with built in pool, by the way.

Alternatively, it could be you are reading too much in to his reactions, and he is just suggesting a takeaway and will accept your alternative decision with good grace later on?

[NickiFury]

As I suspected he is a controlling arsehole about money certainly. I also suspect he is controlling in other areas of your life too but this is the one that has tipped you over the edge. You may not think you are letting it bother you but your defensiveness on this thread and the fact you needed to post this at all because you probably feel all fogged up and not sure if it's problem shows that it's having a big affect on you.

I would post on relationships pronto if I were you. I would also tell him sharply to STFU next time he does it but I say that with the benefit of hind sight. When I was in it I was completely overwhelmed and unsure about it. I cried with guilt after the comment my ex made to my child about his shoes even though deep down I knew it wasn't true.

[dowhatnow]

About 3 times a year then. What is his reaction afterwards. Is he apologetic but exasperated because he feels you have been too sensitive, is he annoyed at you or is he instantly completely apologetic as he knows he's been unreasonably thoughtless?

[ErNope]

Each time is sorted either with a disagreement, later determining which is wrong usually him . The only time he had a strop and problem resolving was once. We've had other areas in our relationship where yes he's done things to deliberately upset me. non money related however. I don't know if i'm now seeing problems where there are none or whatever but thanks for helping with perspective etc.

[ErNope]

Sorted either with a disagreement or a quick 'no worries'' Sorry, I have problems with my sentences being moved around, cut and pasted and deleted. (Dodgy device)

[NickiFury]

I don't know if i'm now seeing problems where there are none or whatever

I actually think you're seeing problems now because they've become too hard to ignore.

[LouBlue1507]

I don't think your hubby has done upset/annoyed you deliberately...

... He thought you won £15 not £20. £15 might get you both say a KFC, he doesn't fancy a KFC. But £20 would get you both an Indian. Oh yes an Indian would be nice.

To me, it doesn't sound like there was any malice intention... I think it's a shame if you think your hubby would do that to you :/

[NickiFury]

Or it's a shame that he has been doing it regularly for the last 15 years!

[angielou123]

So you won £20 on your scratchcard, given to you, for your birthday, and you feel guilty for buying yourself something? If your OH gives you any kind of flack for it, then he's a knob.

[dowhatnow]

I'm still unsure whether this is just the tip of the iceberg or whether you are being too sensitive.

You say he is usually wrong but what were the other issues. The one you've posted about could be really a non issue. Neither of you are wrong if he didn't realise you bought the stuff already. But something is majorly wrong if he did know you'd already bought the stuff. It hinges on if he did or didn't know.
The other 15 times depend on whether they were non issues and you being sensitive again or if he really was controlling. I still don't think we have enough information to decide if you have a relationship problem or not.

[dowhatnow]

And his reaction today will be telling. When you said it's too late, a "no worries response" will show you are being sensitive. If he moans about it then there is cause for concern.

[ErNope]

Other stuff includes:
Stealing my tobacco. Yes yes I know smoking is bad and its a pathetically silly 'thing' . But he'll remove my tobacco from my smoking pouch (I have a small pouch I carry everywhere, makes it easier to go outside etc as I won't smoke indoors and means I don't need to look for everything separately) and take it to work in his work bag. he works 17 miles from me. I rely on public transport. Can't go get it when he does that.
we ordered pizza before an argument, was about 6 hours in advance (using just eat) I'm a veggie so ordered a meat free pizza, he phoned after our argument to have them put pepperoni on.
Silly stuff like that really. Struggling to think of examples now I've been asked! (My brain likes to go blank when its time to answer a question)

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

💐. I'm sorry it's made you feel so sick 🙁 Logic doesn't really help much with that instant reaction you get with something like this. The reactions/feelings/beliefs we have instilled in us growing up are very hard to change. We might choose to act differently, but the deep feeling about things is hard to change.

None of us can tell you whether he did it to piss you off or not as we don't know him.

The thing is, you needed to ask, which to me says YOU think it's a possibility and if it is, that's pretty awful, irrespective of your past but even more so because of it. What happened the other times he did it? Was it deliberate? Was it not thinking? Was it not caring?

I don't think he should have asked after you'd said you'd get the clothes, unless he thought you could get a takeaway with the money left over after eBay?

A 'normal' reaction from you would be 'Sorry love, too late unless you fancy munching on a boot. Next time'. Without feeling worried about it.