AIBU to think other half has done this to piss me off??

[ErNope]

I don't know if i'm stressing over nothing, as money is v tight at the moment.
a family member gave me a scratch card in a birthday card expects raised eyebrows its a running joke in the family, before anyone asks :D
I won what I thought was £15, So I asked OH if there is anything he needed/wanted (As we do when we get any small amounts of money) or if he wanted a cheap takeaway as a treat or something. OH says no.
I then say ok, X y and z clothing items are wrecked so I'll be sourcing replacements on Ebay. So I went out, cashed the scratch card and was given 20, I queried this and was told I'd read the symbols wrong not a gambler, as you've probably guessed! Never won anything on the odd occasions i've tried my luck either...
Since it was an extra 5, I didn't think to query again if he wanted anything, so went home, ordered 3 items (Boots, as mine are wrecked, leggings and a top coming to £13, if relevant) While I was checking out and choosing delivery options I told OH about the extra 5, after I'd checked out, he then messaged me saying ''Oh great can we get takeaway with the 20?'' I now feel horribly guilty as I have spent it, and considering cancelling my order, but AIBU to think he's done this on purpose? For info, I grew up in a household that didn't have much, very unhappy household for other reasons also and we were regularly guilt tripped out of not buying things for ourselves (ie with pocket money, or gift cards from family and friends on birthdays etc) so I've always found it hard to buy things for myself if someone else wants/needs something. I've gotten better but this situation just makes me feel sick (Which I know and agree is MY problem) and I feel really upset/guilty and like an awful person for this now as he wants something and I've already spent the money whereas if he'd told me when I'd asked, 1hr prior, I wouldn't have spent a penny. yes I know its a first world problem too

[WomanActually]

I know you said you don't feel he is controlling, but you also said you think purposefully said he'd have a takeaway knowing you'd feel guilty at already spending your birthday money on yourself. Why would he do that if not for control?

He steals your things and takes them to work with him so you can't have them?
He phones up and changes your food orders?
Those are controlling behaviours, why would he do that if not for control? Engineering things so that you'll feel bad, taking your things so you can't have them, may sound childish and immature but it doesn't change that they are things he has done to control how you feel. He wants you to feel upset so he deliberately does things to make you upset. That sounds horrible.

[Donatellalymanmoss]

OP happy birthday, please stop over thinking this and just get on with your life. There is absolutely no value in the amount of headspace you are giving his comment whether he meant it spitefully or not.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

ilike - have you read the thread? He has previous for this and appears to be doing it deliberately to make op feel bad.

[dowhatnow]

Ok so learn from what you've just written and refuse to feel guilty when you know it isn't necessary.

[iLikeBoringThings]

I think YABVU and definitely overthinking this!

Your guilt about spending money on yourself has caused you to create an issue where there isn't one IMO. A simple 'too late' would have been the usual response, but your guilt, for whatever reason, has turned a suggested take away into a perceived attack on you.

Stop freaking out, enjoy your new clothes and deal with your guilt issue before it causes you problems!

[ErNope]

Dowhatnow- Yes he agrees.
I don't do anything with our finances that he doesn't agree to, while I make the payments themselves, manage everything and look into everything (for example, broadband deals, because researching something for ages 'spins him out', his words not mine) I always present the full options and then discuss with him, normally he says he's not arsed just get the best deal/best 'thing' etc. But yes, he agreed.
hours worked are to do with his job, he'll still be working them when our finances loosen a bit. his career, His job, His choice. But we'll likely be living in an area with more flexible work opportunities in about 6 months or so Trying v hard not to out self He can be spiteful, he can be childish.
we're both in late 20's. I know whats normal, what isn't. signs to look out for etc etc.
in my totally brutal opinion he's sometimes childish, sometimes a cunt. but I guess some people have their moments.
Ty for opinions though.

[dowhatnow]

Does he actually agree to the stop spending philosophy?

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

How he responds when he knows the money is spent, as he probably already does, will tell you an awful lot about him.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

The sad thing is that you're now feeling pretty miserable.

If he has done this as he knows that it will trigger your anxiety then that is a very cruel way to behave.

[TimetohittheroadJack]

I think the pizza is also a dick move, if he'd phoned and asked for pepperoni on half the pizza fair enough.

[dowhatnow]

Well from what you've said it isn't really a control issue. You haven't been brainwashed into not knowing what is normal relationship is. It just seems he has a nasty spiteful side that shows itself maybe 3 times a year. You have to decide whether you can live with that, whether it is a deal breaker or whether you want to tackle that side of things by demanding he stops the behaviour and goes to counselling if needs be.

We need to know his response to telling him it's too late for the takeaway. If it's any more than a genuine misunderstanding, then you need to decide where you go from now.

[TimetohittheroadJack]

That's a lot of hours to work a week! Is that going to be a long term thing, or just until you pay for something?

I wouldn't want to be working those sort of hours and not having a spare £20 quid to spend on a takeaway long term.

[Move2WY]

I can't see how he can have done it to piss you off unless he knew you had spent it already. Did he know that?

[StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine]

Your P actually sounds like a selfish arsehole. He knows your vulnerability and is taking the piss on a regular basis.

Birthday money is for you to do as you please with. So long as you weren't in massive debt, you'd have been perfectly within in your rights to spend it on a pair of pink and orange sequinned titty tassels.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

How old are you both? You seem to both be playing games. It would be better to be more adult and discuss how you feel rather than second guessing each other's motives.

[shovetheholly]

I'm worried about the pizza thing. It's not just a dick move - it's spiteful. He actually bothered to ring a takeway and have them change your order so you wouldn't be able to eat it hours later. It's bound to make the argument continue for much longer and to stop any genuine adult resolution. Over the age of 12, you don't take out an argument on someone like that, nor do you try to exert power over them against their will. It's taking away their personal freedom to make their own decisions. And ditto for the smoking pouch. I'm all for supporting partners to make healthy choices, but that should be by mutual agreement, not nagging and definitely not bullying like that!

[ErNope]

Day to day life is fine, he just used to have a habit of seemingly trying to piss me off and sometimes did admit he did it on purpose. sorry if I'm missing questions parts of the thread and there are lots of comments D:
we share housework at about 75-25percent split (I do the 25 percent more) but thats because he works about 25-30 hours a week more than I do, I average 45hrs per week at the moment he is averaging 73.5 so has less time to do stuff, but I don't mind and volunteered to pick up the housework. I control most financial decisions but he does get a say.
We rarely argue,
he has the odd screaming outburst (generally during an argument which is rare in itself) but has never put a hand on me, or scared me, don't know if it would scare others though, I don't want to sound 'hard' but I do have multiple martial arts awards and have taken on far bigger, far scarier and far more skilled men and women., so while I am no jackie chan, I am not easily intimidated. the only thing he has ever done that makes me upset is purposely doing things to inconvenience or upsets me, Which IMO is just childish and not really a problem as its not happened for months now, if you discount today, and most do seem to think I'm being U or are on the fence for one reason or another. so I dunno.

[GabsAlot]

sorry he rang up the pizza place and added meat on your veggie pizza becuse he had the hump?

thats pathetic and controlling

his pizza would be all over the wall

[diddl]

He sounds horrible!

The pizza thing sounds really spiteful to me.

And the tobacco thing-why from your pouch rather than wherever you fill your pouch from iyswim.

[dowhatnow]

You need to tell us more about day to day life. You aren't answering a lot of the questions so it's still hard to see how big a problem you have.

[dowhatnow]

I'm now erring towards the relationship problem. If he does things with the sole purpose to make life inconvenient for you, that is nasty behaviour and shows a complete lack of respect for you.
Does he generally do it if you try to step out of line or make independant decisions?

What was his reaction when you said too late for the takeaway?

[RB68]

if you can get takeaway for 8.50 do that - put the remainder towards it and add a couple of pounds yourself - till cheaper than catering a meal for yourselves.

But I know what you mean about spending on yourself - we had to prioritise who got what when I was a kid - still do that now - DH has no concept of this as an only child.

[ErNope]

on that occasion we had our own pizza's, as always, (I love pineapple, he doesn't, he eats meat, I don't, means we VERY rarely share a pizza!) so I don't think it was that. But yeah its mostly silly things like taking my things/moving them, changing things to make things inconvenient for me. to be fair, he's not done it in a little while (7 months I think)

[dowhatnow]

The tobacco one is not on and shows complete lack of respect. Was it a one off or is it a regular thing? Was it deliberate to deprive you of it or could he just have borrowed it and forgotten to put it back?

The pizza is also unreasonable and a childish response to an argument. Presumably the argument wasn't about the pizza though. You say you control all the money. Does he feel you are always controlling everything (after all you determined it was meat free) and the call to change it to pepperoni, was him making a stand? Or he could have been an arse. It's difficult to say.

In no relationship is everything always harmonious and agreed upon by both people. 15 times in 5 years isn't a lot.

How does he treat you the rest if the time. Is he always respectful towards you? How do you normally communicate. Who makes most of the decisions? Does he or you normally give way for an easy life?

What I'm trying to get at is what nicki was saying. Have you been conditioned gradually to do as he says? Or is your relationship fairly equal with a few odd bumps in the road? How are normal disagreements resolved?

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

You have a 'my DP is a wanker' problem.

Whatever has come before this relationship has allowed you to think this relationship is 'ok'. It isn't. It might be better than previous relationships, but I'm afraid it's pretty shit. Get out while you have some fight left in you & before you have kids.