AIBU to think other half has done this to piss me off??

[ErNope]

I don't know if i'm stressing over nothing, as money is v tight at the moment.
a family member gave me a scratch card in a birthday card expects raised eyebrows its a running joke in the family, before anyone asks :D
I won what I thought was £15, So I asked OH if there is anything he needed/wanted (As we do when we get any small amounts of money) or if he wanted a cheap takeaway as a treat or something. OH says no.
I then say ok, X y and z clothing items are wrecked so I'll be sourcing replacements on Ebay. So I went out, cashed the scratch card and was given 20, I queried this and was told I'd read the symbols wrong not a gambler, as you've probably guessed! Never won anything on the odd occasions i've tried my luck either...
Since it was an extra 5, I didn't think to query again if he wanted anything, so went home, ordered 3 items (Boots, as mine are wrecked, leggings and a top coming to £13, if relevant) While I was checking out and choosing delivery options I told OH about the extra 5, after I'd checked out, he then messaged me saying ''Oh great can we get takeaway with the 20?'' I now feel horribly guilty as I have spent it, and considering cancelling my order, but AIBU to think he's done this on purpose? For info, I grew up in a household that didn't have much, very unhappy household for other reasons also and we were regularly guilt tripped out of not buying things for ourselves (ie with pocket money, or gift cards from family and friends on birthdays etc) so I've always found it hard to buy things for myself if someone else wants/needs something. I've gotten better but this situation just makes me feel sick (Which I know and agree is MY problem) and I feel really upset/guilty and like an awful person for this now as he wants something and I've already spent the money whereas if he'd told me when I'd asked, 1hr prior, I wouldn't have spent a penny. yes I know its a first world problem too

[ErNope]

he asked about 5mins after I placed my order so plenty of time to see I had ordered but obviously I'm not him so can't tell you 100 percent if he'd read it or not.
I'm just annoyed that he asked after I checked and triple checked he didn't want/need anything.
I know the clothes will last longer but its the principle really, as regardless if his fear, upset or guilt was reasonable or not I wouldn't put him in a situation where it would cause that reaction. ie my (older, very adult) sister is afraid of the dark, when she stays over, even though it rises my electric bill and pisses me off (As I can see the light through my own door and blinds me when I go for a late night wee) I'll leave the light on for her in the hallway, even though in my eyes, a 31 year old woman being afraid of the dark is ridiculous and totally unreasonable, I feel i'd be 500x more unreasonable to turn the light off knowing how scared it would make her.
just ranting.
Thanks MN :D and thank you for not flaming me too lol

[AugustaFinkNottle]

Of course you're not being unreasonable to expect him to make his mind up and keep it made up. I really can't see that the fact there was an extra £5 available makes the slightest bit of difference, and it doesn't justify him changing his mind.

To be honest, given that it was a present to you, where you were unreasonable was in triple checking with him. By doing that you actually gave him the opportunity to change his mind. Should anything similar happen in future, just accept that it's up to you and you alone to decide how you want to spend your money.

[StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine]

Even if you are an instinctive people pleaser, it's good to treat yourself. It's if clothes from eBay are an extravagance.

He can buy himself a takeaway or video game when his own numbers come up on a scratch card or whatever.

[StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine]

Hardly an extravagance.

Damned phone.

[TimetohittheroadJack]

Why not say to him ' I've got £6.80 left so we could share fish and chips, or I could get something nice at the shops to share.' - and see what he says?

If money is that tight surely some new clothes are more important than a takeaway?

[DoreenLethal]

I won what I thought was £15, So I asked OH if there is anything he needed/wanted

You won it so why do you immediately offer it to him?

Joint finances doreen and zilch money available to spend I'm afraid

If you have zilch money then you can't afford a takeaway in the first place.

[ImperialBlether]

I know it can be nice to get a takeaway but really they're a huge waste of money when there are other things you need, aren't they?

I'm worried about the amount of guilt you're experiencing. It was lovely of you to want to share your present with him. He said he didn't want a takeaway so you spent the money on something you needed. He hasn't got a leg to stand on if he argues. Buy him a bar of chocolate or something if you want, but don't feel guilty.

[FoofFighter]

Tesco do a very decent "takeaway" style deal for £6, pizza, curry, that kind of thing - two mains and two sides..
If you feel the need to share your remaining money on a treat :)

[gamerchick]

We need to treat ourselves on occasion. Let it go it was snooze you lose for sure.

As for your sister ask her to buy herself a night light.

[DeathStare]

YANBU to spend the money on clothes.

However unless he has form for being difficult I don't think he was being unreasonable to ask about the takeaway - just poor timing.

If he made an issue out of it though, then he would be being unreasonable

[NickiFury]

I got £20 for my birthday from my Mum once. We were very skint too so I said I would use it for us to go out for lunch. As we were getting ready ex H said to DS - "oh dear your shoes are tight aren't they? Never mind you'll have to manage because Mum wants to go out for lunch with her money".

1. His shoes were a matter of two weeks old and fitted Clarks - NO way could they have been tight.

1. He had the hump as soon as I opened the card.

The point is he just didn't like me making decisions about money that had been given to me and he had nothing to do with so he wanted to ruin it for me. He was a controlling arsehole in many, many ways.

Your fear of spending on yourself rings alarm bells for me. I wonder if he is conditioning you to feel that way.

[shovetheholly]

Unless you live in a nudist colony, clothes are necessary. Takeaways are not.

If you must (and there really is no need) use the £6 left to get ingredients to make a quick homemade curry with some naans and samosas!

[WriteforFun1]

If you really think he does things to piss you off on purpose, I'd be talking to him about that general.

[angieloumc]

You are not BU to spend the money on yourself, it was for your birthday but I'm guessing your DH didn't realise you had spent it. Like a PP said, clothes last longer than a takeaway.
As an aside though, it's not ridiculous to be afraid of the dark as an adult, some people just are, I am and I'm 46!

[ErNope]

I didn't post on here to have a fine toothed comb through my finances, but thanks a bunch anyhow... Its a self imposed cutback that is done out of necessity for what we want (if that makes sense), we HAVE money, we just can't spend it if we want to get where we are going, so its not spare (to go on clothes OR takeaways) but if our boiler was to suddenly go kaput, a leak happened or one of us needed to travel for work, we could do/fix it. Not very happily and it would mean longer saving which would in turn fuck up our timescales.
My clothes aren't hanging off or full of holes, I DO have enough clothes to cover necessities(ie work clothes, shoes to wear, day clothes etc) I broke my boots at work 2wks ago again I just wanted to give him the option to share 'my' treat, as he would do with me (And has done. lots and lots of times).
I kind of feel like I'm donning my hard hat now What did I expect, it is AIBU

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He was spoiling the moment and trying to manipulate you.
OR
He changed his mind too late and it's an unfortunate coincidence that more than once he has made you feel self-indulgent and guilty.

We all bring old baggage to a new relationship and as time goes on we learn each other's triggers. I don't think you're being unreasonable to think by now he should know what winds you up and refrain from pushing that button. If he's done this before you choose whether or not to raise this and either way, you adjust your reaction. If on the whole you make a great team it's only a small wrinkle to smooth out.

[Lilaclily]

Crumbs nicki what an arse, thank God he's your ex!

[branofthemist]

If you think he did this on purpose just to upset you, your relationship has huge problems.

[TimetohittheroadJack]

His reaction to you telling him the money is spent will reveal if YANBU/YABU

reaction 1. Oh you've spent it, never mind, I wasn't bothered abou a takeaway anyway.

Reaction 2. God I can believe you have spent it, you are so selfish.....

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

Your lucky Birthday win.
You offered your H some of it for a treat. He said no.
Whether it was £15 or £20 - not much difference.

You really needed boots and clothes. You got some for £13 - good for you!

The fact you are feeling wobbly about it could just be down to your childhood deprivation. The fact you feel worried about the electric yet still 'guilt tripped' into keeping the light on for your sister is similar in a way? But it could also be down to your partner making you feel that way. Is it a one off? Will he sulk if he doesn't get some sort of take/fake away soon?

The best way to sort it is to spend any left over' money on you too.x

[NickiFury]

Reaction 3 - silently disappointed sulky

[Kitsa]

People need to stop being a pain about the takeaway idea, they had zilch money and won some unexpectedly and were considering spending some of it on a takeaway, which is a great treat and brings a disproportionate amount of joy to some people (myself included) and is also a good treat for the very broke because there's no risk of unplanned associated expenses (as there can be when going out) and when you're very busy and tired and usually cook from scratch it gives you a proper break. What on earth is hard to understand about that? OP asked for advice about a specific aspect of this not a financial planning session.

OP I don't know your partner so I can't say if he did this on purpose but it's certainly possible that he saw the email and even though he wanted you to have the stuff, felt a little hard done by he wasn't getting his treat and decided to send an "innocent" email about it. Not the worst PA thing a person can do but considering your history not very nice. Maybe talk to him again about feeling guilty but really needing the stuff and how hard it is for you to buy stuff you need and turn it round on him a little. I honestly wouldn't confront him about it directly because if it was innocent you'll look crazy, and if it wasn't and he pretends it was, which he will, you'll look crazy.

[dowhatnow]

You are backtracking a bit now. You know Yabu feeling guilty. The question is whether he did it on purpose or not - and you are the only one who can answer that one. You are defending him on the last post so was he likely to do it on purpose or not?

The point is he just didn't like me making decisions about money that had been given to me and he had nothing to do with so he wanted to ruin it for me. He was a controlling arsehole in many, many ways. Your fear of spending on yourself rings alarm bells for me. I wonder if he is conditioning you to feel that way.

Ask yourself this as nicki posted.

[ErNope]

0 response to speak of from OH i'm afraid so can't exactly give you that to determine if Iabu.
i'll assume I am anyway as this seems to be going in a direction of ''You're poor? How DARE you get a takeaway?'' Sure, some things would be better spent on but surely for a treat if some clothes (Which I don't desperately need, I need them but could wait a few weeks) weren't bought, no one would drop dead, No one would go without, no one would be without clothes, I'd have to wear open flats(ie dolly shoes) or converse to work which I find annoying and a bit uncomfortable wearing for 12+hr shifts, I do need some new leggings but again, could just wear jeans instead.
Also,
Sister doesn't guilt trip me but I do put up with it when she stays (Which is rare) even though it pisses me off because I wouldn't want her to be scared, my point is even though I don't necessarily recognize her fear, I still wouldn't want to put her in a position where she is terrified if I could control it. I'm not seeking advice on it but nightlights keep her awake and 'don't work', fml it was more of the comparison that even if you don't understand something you SHOULD be sensitive to it the very best you can.

[Catmuffin]

Surely the people who said that clothes are more important than a takeaway were trying to be supportive of the op's choice to buy clothes as she thought her dp was trying to make her feel guilty for not getting a takeaway. Not sure they deserve to be told off for trying to be supportive