"We need you to stay mentally well because you are a mum".

[mrgrouper]

That is what the practice nurse said to me. My response was "you should want all your patients to stay well, irrespective of whether they are parents". Perhaps I am getting offended at nothing, but the comment just annoyed me. Is the only reason I get treatment because of my son?

[StealthPolarBear]

Yes I think that's a very good point actually

[WreckingBallsInsideMyHead]

Yabu

people here and elsewhere with chronically or severely ill DC are often advised to look after themselves too because people can get into prioritising their child's needs above their own.

You are being over sensitive and yabu to drip feed aspergers

[Citizensmith1]

OP I don't think she meant any harm, but my son also has aspergers and often interprets things in a similar way.

I can't believe some of you posting - you can be really nasty in your responses. OP I don't know if you're on FB but there are some groups there me & my son have joined - Autism Awareness Group, I can't think of the name of the Aspergers one. The people there are much more supportive and understanding than 90% of the mums that post here. I was told good things about MN - but when I read some of these responses I cringe over how rude they are. Don't think I'll be coming back to this website again.

[AYD2MITalkTalk]

There's quite a lot of us with Asperger's. I would've had problems with what the nurse said for the same reasons OP did. Our Asperger's doesn't mean we're wrong in our interpretations. OP didn't have a failure of theory of mind or of social imagination causing her to misunderstand the nurse's intentions. She is aware that the nurse didn't mean to be discriminatory. Therefore, her interpretation of the possible meanings and implications of the nurse's comments is not a symptom. Her interpretation is valid as anyone else's.

[VioletBam]

OP I know what you mean (but I'm possibly on the spectrum too). It's dehumanizing to relate EVERY aspect of you...even your illness...to your parental status.

Like you're just a vessel.

You're not.

[squizita]

You are being over sensitive and yabu to drip feed aspergers

In a MH situation she isn't though. MH staff need to use words with a certain level of skill knowing their patients are more likely to be upset or defensive (because that's the illness FFS). It's clearly something that could easily, easily be interpreted as (1) the patient only matters as a worker to care for her child or (2) a veiled threat, when heard by a service used.
Therefore the nurse did not show an appropriate level of care and attention for the particular job she was engaged in.

If she were chatting away to a mentally healthy person it would be fine: but the context was clear.

[RandomMess]

Actually in my experience of mental health care, the only reason I have actually received help rather than being fobbed off was being I was primary carer of young children.

Yep it shouldn't make it a difference to the level of care you receive but ultimately I think it does.

[SpidersFromMars]

She's not saying you don't count as an individual. She saying this impacts not only you, but also your child.

[VioletVaccine]

I know you say that you say it was totally unnecessary as I have complied with meds for years but not all parents with MH issues are so compliant. She will see many new Mums with MH issues, and I don't think for a second she set out to offend you. She has a duty of care to both you and your LO.

In the nicest way, YABU for overthinking what was a genuine remark, and a true one too.

I've experienced first hand what having a parent with MH issues does to a child when they don't look after their health, or comply with medication. I wish someone would have explained this to drummed it into my DM a lot of years ago.
She really was just looking out for your wellbeing, and that of your DC too.

[fusionconfusion]

What a lot of horrible replies.

Honestly people here have no idea of the context of mental health provision in the UK and how lacking in skill many practitioners are in terms of the words they use.

Mental health provision requires sensitivity to perspective and diversity and equality issues. It is part of the job to use language in ways that are equal and sensitive to the contexts of people's lives.

The majority of people with mental health conditions have histories of childhood or other trauma or having had experiences where their needs were not considered as equal to others in their lives.

Because of this context, it is very reasonable to suggest that it is not good practice to say to someone with long-standing mental health involvement that the priority in terms of keeping them well is about someone else, even a beloved child.

Some of you should be really ashamed of your nasty and unkind responses.

"I guess it just made me feel like I do not exist as a human being. It is really weird to explain. Perhaps it is just my Asperger's. I do have a bad habit of taking things the wrong way and misinterpreting stuff."

OP - you do exist as a human being. You matter. It is important that you have access to good treatment to maintain wellness. This will also benefit your child. And if you didn't have a child you would be equally worthy of being listened to, cared for and having your distress seen and responded to with sensitivity. The practitioner may have been hoping to help you with seeing your illness in terms of being a mum because for many people with mental health histories who are not very self-compassionate or good at self care, it is easier to be motivated to stay well for a child than themselves. For other people the same words function differently. This may be the case for you. It boils down to your own learning history and the current context of your life and any distress you may have been experiencing recently.

I wouldn't use this part of the forum as a place to discuss mental health. You can be your own principal witness. It didn't feel nice to hear those words. It's okay not to like that. It's okay to feel weirded out about it.

Take care of yourself.

[fusionconfusion]

And as for the "yabu to drip feed Asperger's" - wtaf? It's a condition that makes it more difficult to read the hidden and unstated rules of social contexts, so all of you are being VVVVVVVVVU and unkind to use it as a source of shaming for someone asking a genuine question who is need of support!

[Banderwassnatched]

I don't comply with my meds, after 2 years of complying to pointless, numbing medication. They will say anything to try and keep you taking them, silly things often. I'm the one on the tablets, living with the side effects, I know the risks, I don't need a doctor telling me they 'want me stable'.

[MitzyLeFrouf]

People turn into utter cunts in their determination to get one over on the OP.

Depressing.

[CherryPicking]

I think it is offensive to assume mother's are more in need to mental health services than anyone else. Young men have the highest suicide rates but can you imagine a hcp saying 'we want you to stay well because you're a young man'? Nope, because the image of strength and self sufficiency persists in this group.

[mrgrouper]

yes fusionconfusion I had a horrific upbringing. When my son was born we had social services involvement due to me being sectioned twice in the past. The SW commented on my "severely abusive upbringing". I phoned her up ranting, saying she was exaggerating this in her report and she stated it was the worst case of abuse she had heard of in her entire career.

[shinynewusername]

A lot of women do neglect their own health, especially their mental health, because they are so busy looking after DC. I'm sure that all the nurse meant was that you shouldn't prioritise your son to the point where your mental health suffers because that's not in your interest or his.

[trevortrevorslatterfry]

Your post made me think of this. I'm sure the HCP didn't mean it but still YANBU.

[justmyview]

Some really nasty responses on here. OP has mental health issues. A bit of compassion wouldn't go amiss

OP - I think the nurse was trying to engage with you, but I agree that everyone should receive high quality health care, children or no children

[fusionconfusion]

I am so sorry to hear that mrgrouper.

I don't know how much support you've had with understanding issues that arise in communication when you have a history of severe trauma. These may be particularly difficult to navigate with a diagnosis of Asperger's. You are not alone in finding it hard when you are seen as "someone's x" rather than someone in your own right. It is also pretty common to find it hard to believe how difficult your childhood has been even when others tell you that it was a very difficult experience.

For most people with histories of severe childhood abuse, it can be really hard to interpret and know how to respond to interactions that are meant to be "kind" but where you don't know the person and they don't know you. It can create a lot of confusion. You can also experience something called "backdraft" where if someone is being kind, it can create even more confusion and a sense of not feeling real.

You are not alone in this experience. I understand it very much myself. It helps me to bring attention to my body at times like these and soften any areas of tension in the body, or bring attention to the sensations on the soles of the feet. It also helps to have some sort of phrase that reminds you that when these feelings come up of being not real or not human this is an understandable reaction to difficult past circumstances and lots of other people would feel the same in this situation. I use "You are imperfect and wired for struggle but worthy of love and belonging" or "know that in this moment everything is okay and you are safe here". If I feel "unseen" I say "I see you. I hear you. I will stand with you. I will stand for you". It has taken many years of therapy and support to be able to listen to even my own voice saying these things.

It is probably not helpful to post on forums where people will be unkind to you about these experiences. They don't know you and most of them do not understand anything about these types of experiences or about the way you respond to language, which is more unique to your life and your particular history. Their unkindness is a reflection on them and not you.

[sunnyoutside]

I understand what you are saying OP.

When I was going through a rough time a while ago I had great support from my HV and FSW. Whilst obviously their priority role was towards my dc they both took a lot of time and went out of their way to see me as ME. They were amazing. They offered support not just to my dc, not just because of my dc - or maybe it was just because of my dc and they hid it well? They made me feel liked again, they made me feel worthwhile, they helped me feel properly again. If I could give those 2 women a Damehood I would. They were fantastic and made me feel that I mattered.

Some of the responses here have been harsh.

[curren]

I have aspergers and battled depression my entire life and still think the op is bu.

I couldn't have given a shit about myself. People say you have to get well for yourself, but a lot of times that's not helpful or correct. I felt worthless, I didn't care if I got well for me.

I wasn't rude to the OP. But I won't agree with someone just because they have mental health problems.

[MitzyLeFrouf]

But I guess your children aren't as important as your pride.

Ugh. What's the point of a bitchy statement like that?

[MitzyLeFrouf]

Tired, cheap little jibes.