How would you punish your child, if they were bullying someone? Need advice :(

[WobbleM]

Namechanged for obvious reasons.
My son is 9. He is a nice kid, so I thought I was called in for a meeting yesterday, for the head to talk to me about incidents that my son has been starting. He has made a child feel like she doesn't want to come into school. He has been calling her fat/stupid, etc. Which is horrendous and I never brought him up to be so nasty. They have said that he will need to stay in for all his lunches and breaks for a week. That's fine. I just don't know how to punish him at home? He knows it's wrong, but has still chosen to do it. Please help.

I wouldn't punish - he's being punished at school.

I would spend time talking and listening, helping him understand how behaviour like that can make other people feel. There are several books that have been suggested so far that are worth looking at. Asking him how other people might feel in different scenarios will help him think beyond himself.

Punishing children does not teach them to be kind.

I disagree with people who are saying he should go to the girl's house and apologise in person. She won't want to see him there, and she'll end up saying something like 'that's ok' when it really isn't ok. A written apology is much better.

In my experience, if there are no issues at home, bullies often do it to stamp their 'alpha'ness and make themselves feel big in front of their friends. I'd suggest that your ds isn't doing this alone and school need to get to the root of it. There will be others involved as bullies never operate on their own.

I would ask for weekly updates. Consoles would be banned until he demonstrates he knows this behaviour is wrong.

Agree that consequence is a better word than punishment - for at home consequence I would get the child to write a letter of apology to the girl and then to do something like a project on bullying and its consequences for children who are bullied.

Understanding why is also important. At school we have a 'Punish, Prevent and Pardon' policy for bullying (also used for bullying behaviour sometimes):
Punish - the bully must know s/he was wrong and the victim must feel action was taken. Action is dependent on the child - could be lost free time, removal from preferred activity or a specific task. Suspension for serious cases.
Prevent - the bully has to attend friendship coaching with SENCO or school counsellor. The victim can talk to the school counsellor or trusted adult if desired.
Pardon - it has to be clear that the bully is a child and that children make mistakes. Once steps 1 and 2 are in place the child must know that the adults forgive him/her and that s/he hasn't irrevocably lost our favour and respect.

This seems to be an effective route.

I wouldn't punish him if school already is. I'd pester him though, to find out why he's doing it and keep asking in different ways to find out why. I'd phrase it as concern - that you heard most bullies attack others because they don't feel confident or are worried they'll get picked on or have already been picked on by someone stronger (an adult/parent/sibling/older or stronger child at school)
Ask about this. If he doesn't think it is any of these things, then he might just not have made the connection between his actions and her feelings. he's still young.
Make sure he's very clear on the effect he's had. Make him write her a letter of apology, going into detail about being sorry for what he said and sorry about how it made her feel and sorry he upset her and sorry etc etc. Make him write sorry in each sentence that describes something she suffered due to him and make sure he covers every single aspect of the complaint against him.
Making sure children fully understand and mean what they apologise for seems to be very effective.

I'd get to the bottom of why he did it.
I'd punish at home too so he knew i was on the same page as the school.
No tv/playstation/ds etc for two weeks.
Written apology to girl and her parents.
Don't feel bad op, atleast you're doing something about it now

If it was me I would be down on him like a ton of bricks. I was bullied at school and that shit stays with you forever :( My daughter is 5, and she is quite spirited (as they call it these days). It sounds awful to say that she has got bully potential but I think she has due to her dominant nature. If I ever think this is happening she would have my foot up her arse (metaphorically obvs) so fast she wouldn't know what was happening. I'd remove privileges like TV, Xbox etc and make him apologize to the girls face. ..

Is a forced apology, an apology at all?

Id be looking to educate him and look at why he's being unkind. Does the school use restorative practice so he can understand the harm he has done to the other child?
I simply simple punishing won't solve it, and often makes the child resentful and causes further unkind, payback type behaviour