to wonder if a mother and son are ever as close as a mother and daughter?

[cjt110]

So, the old phrase "A daughter's a daughter all her life, a son's a son til he takes a wife" Bit old fashioned nowadays but lately I got to wondering whether m and my son will ever be as close and me and my mum were and still are even though I'm married with my own child.

I have seen with my own eyes my husband become more distanced from his family. We met in 2003, got together in 2004, I moved 150 miles away in 2005 to go to uni and he followed in 2006. This was his decision. He had always been quite close to his mum until then. Lived a 2-3 minute walk away, had his own keys to their house even though he had been moved out for years. Would pop u and see them etc etc.

Now in 2016, we've been together 12 years, married 3.5 years and have a 20 month old son. He rarely calls his Mum. We visit perhaps 4 times a year. Since 2005 his Mum has visited us maybe 5 times.

So, is there any truth to this old quote? Has anyone got experience of still being close to their grown up sons? And how do you maintain this without smothering?

I really don't think you can generalise at all. I have never been close to my mum whereas my son and I are devoted to each other. Depends on the mother and depends on the child!

My twin brothers are so close to my mother it's almost incestuous, I'm the defective freak she wishes she'd had aborted - I'm close to my father.

Dh is emotionally close to both his parents dispite the geographical distance.

Old fashioned sayings are rubbish, some old dear thought them up.

You're relationships, be it with your children, or anyone in fact, are based on personalities, character traits, empathy etc.

My relationship with my mother = awful, we are so different and just don't get eachother.

My relationship with my dad = wonderful. We have similar humour, sensitivities, feelings about situations.

My relationship with DC = wonderful and I hope it stays that way. I get them, they get me.

My son is 22 and we are close. He is also very independent - lives and works in London.
My DD and I are close. She is 13. Our affection is more demonstrative but no more intense.

I think it has nothing to do with gender.

My DP is close to his mum but his parents live in a different country at the moment. They hardly email each other so yes contact is minimal, but when they live here he sees them all the time and get on like a house on fire.
I was close to my dad and spent a lot of time with him, but when I lived abroad we hardly spoke. I guess in our cases that only face to face will do

DP's sisters aren't close to their mum at all.

Forgot to add... I think it's more about how personalities fit together than gender.

I hate that saying, it doesn't serve any purpose, only to cause insecurity.

Much to my chagrin, my DH and his Mum are quite close.

'Tis a personality thing, not a gender thing imo.

My mum is much closer to my brother than me.....to his detriment. He's nearly 40 and never left home. Boys beware of clingy mothers.

That saying is a load of old tripe in my opinion. Nowt like a bit of sexist (both ways) sweeping generalised old tosh.
It totally depends on the characters, experiences and circumstances of the individual people involved in each relationship.

DH is a lot closer to his mum than i am to mine. They have a great relationship and he phones her almost every day for a chat.

Yes, I've heard the saying. I think there's truth to it. Even after I got married and moved across an ocean my mum would tell me everything and not my brothers. They were 10 minutes away, I was 10/12 hours away and I still got all the stress and worries.

My husband hasn't seen his parents for about 10 years. It's basically birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries that they're in touch. We haven't lived in the same country as them for 15 years.

I've seen a lot of bitching about mil's on here so don't expect a close relationship with my sons once they're married, to be honest. Even the youngest who swears he's never leaving home, apparently he's living with us forever and adding a bunch of pugs to the family...

I find sons and mothers are closer, in my family anyway. My brother couldnt do no wrong

I am very close to both my adult children but in different ways
Currently would say closer to DS than DD but that's partly because we still share a home whereas DD lives with her DP
We are actually all of similar personality which helps and I was a single parent from when they were quite young

I only have one parent: my mum but I wouldn't say my mum is my best friend. Our relationship isn't the greatest, in fact I need time away from her as she can frustrate me at times.

I think it's because our personalities are so alike, we clash.

I don't think you can generalise.

I was much closer to my dad than my mum - more like him and same interests/humour etc. I like my mum and do spend time with her, but find the relationship too claustrophobic - she's quite needy and I am quite introverted and can't cope with it on top of raising my own daughters and working.

My best friend was also much closer to her dad than her mum, which caused huge tensions in their family, as she is an only child.

My husband is not close to any of his family (mainly because of geography) but also they are just quite self-sufficient people - hard to explain what I mean.

My brother and my mother have a far closer relationship than she and i do.

I think it's when boys get their own partners that things change.

I think it completely depends on the individuals involved and it's silly to generalise.

The males in my family have been just as close to their mothers from my experience. My husband is rubbish at keeping in touch with his mum- but she is equally crap and rather distant with his sister too. It completely depends on the particular dynamics of each relationship.

I love my mum and get on very well but we don't have this best friend/ spa days/ tell each other every single thing that some people seem to assume is the norm.

Enchantedfairytale

I don't think that's necessarily the case either. My son has been serious with his girlfriend for a couple of years. Makes little difference.

To be honest I think a lot of the stuff on here is just people attributing normal tensions or intimacy in their relationship to gender when it's personality and circumstance.

My middle son is very close to me and will probably live with me until he is 30 or 40. That's nothing to do with a detrimental effect of mother son closeness and everything to do with his being profoundly disabled.
You can point at anything. I bet someone could make up a similarly 'accurate ' saying about first born children or children born to older mothers etc etc.

I'm one of several, both genders, and none of us are very close to our mum because she wasn't there for any of us emotionally speaking growing up and still isn't. I see my in-laws every week. My Dad is closer to all of us one way or another because for all his eccentrities he tries hard and is honest about things. He was there for me when my mum wasn't so by default I feel closer to him.

I think it is very much down to the sort of childhood and if you are there for your DCs when they need you....if you share interests that seems to really help.

My DH is close to his mum, but his brother & sister are far closer to her I would say and she definitely does a lot more with his sister. But again, their dad is a bit...well..selfish and childish really, though I love him dearly.

I don't think it is about gender tho I often look at my gorgeous DS and feel sad for when / if he starts to push me away as he's such a snuggly boy. I think DD and I will both fight and love each other as we're very similar and she's pretty fiesty.

So on balance, personality, upbringing, and being there for them whatever it takes I think will bring closeness.

I don't know if close is the right word. There's certainly a different relationship - I have 3 DSs and 1 (adult) DD, and while my DD can wind me up to an extent my DSs never can, and knows exactly which buttons to press, I think she probably knows me the best - and is the DC I can most easily talk to if I'm low etc. But I'm more like the DSs in personality, and so I understand them better - it's complicated, and is probably more down to individuals than gender.

Thinking about this, and observing dh's family, i think there's an element of sexism/gender bias..

In that pil help sil out a lot, as in a lot. Childcare, housework, financial. Sil is a mother, and has work, children, and the house to look after, so they help.

With their ds it's his wife that does all that, so they don't see helping out as helping him, iyswim. Or they see it as encroaching on the wifes territory.

This of course being how they see it- both couples actually have a pretty even share of household chores. The result being that sil is much closer to her parents.

It is a rubbish saying.
As people have already said it is all to do with personalities.
Lots of women are much closer to their fathers.
My mother sees my brother several times a week and me about 3 times a year- but that is to do with geography.
I never understand why women give birth to a daughter and expect to have a friend for life! It is pure luck as to how they get on.

My mum and my brother have always been much closer than me and mum. It bothered me a lot for years because I wanted the kind of relationship they had but she just didn't feel the same way about me. I accept it and am close to both of them but it still stings every now and again. I think it's all down to personalities rather than gender.