To just want an hours break?

[fuzzyllama]

I like to take the dog for his late evening walk for an hour, as it just gives me a break and some time on my own. I have a 20 week old dd, that doesn't particularly enjoy being put down, so I am pretty much with her all day.

However, when ever I get back home dp seems moody and can only speak in one word answers, huffs and puffs and seems irritated. He does work a full time manual labour job. I understand this is tiring. I understand dd can be difficult. But what I don't understand is why an hour seems like too much for him to spend alone with her. Surely he should enjoy the limited time he has with her ? Just leaves me feeling that I can't have an hours break.

[Aspergallus]

Yep, he is being an utter dick.

Have you heard of strategic incompetence OP? When people do tasks badly so you'll just do them. This is a less subtle version -he'll look after DD for an hour but punish you by being huffy and moody afterwards, to train you not to keep asking him to do it.

He needs to step up as a parent and a partner.

Don't be worrying about his working day. Anytime with your own arms to yourself is a break compared to looking after a 20 week old.

Both DH and I work full time, stressful taxing jobs. If one of us has had the day off and had the kids, we consider that person to have had the harder day!

[skankingpiglet]

I used to work full time in a manual job (still do the same job now, just not Ft anymore) with 2hrs+ of commute/day, and it was a hell of a lot easier than 23hr care of a baby (deducting an hour off for your walk ). As others have said he gets a rest from the all-consuming care of a little person during his working hours and commute. He doesn't have to do his job all day, on the way home, and all through the night. The days I do work now I most definitely see as a rest, even though my bones ache when I get home. I remember when DD was a small baby, I would happily volunteer to do the washing up whilst DH held the baby for a bit of a break. And I hate washing up...

YANBU to have an hour off each night, particularly if he gets the rest of the night to himself. During the day he works his job, and you work keeping the baby alive and well. The evenings/weekends should be about sharing the parenting/household load. I'd be tempted to take a few consecutive KIT days and have him do the childcare. He obviously needs to learn what is involved in the full-time round-the-clock childcare of his child. You can ask him after if he really feels he needs that hour to himself.
If you are feeling particularly generous towards him, his attitude could be because he's not completely confident looking after her, however this would also only be solved with him spending more time alone with her.

[Salfordlass]

Most men, especially your dp as its his first child, will never understand the mind-numbing exhaustion and boredom that can come with having a baby because they never have to do it themselves they cannot have empathy. Your dp is thinking, "she's at home all day, the baby sleeps a lot, why can't she walk the dogs during the day, I'm out working all day then expected to look after the baby for an hour when I get in etc etc." Instead of trying to understand the reason why you may be needing a little time alone to get some breathing space (and it's not like your getting your nails done, the dog needs walking doesn't it, and it's his dog too.) you are not being unreasonable at all, your partner is, but I think it's down to a lack of understanding and communication. Would you not let him read this thread? My own dp has been similar over the years whenive needed me time but over time(together 14 years, 4 kids) I've grown in confidence and now I just think fuck it! I don't ask him, I tell him! I completely agree with the post about how they get their time just by going to work in the first place! Oh God for those heady days of the nine to five! Yes work can be hard, boring, tiring- but it's a piece of piss compared to looking after a newborn or kids in general. Don't feel guilty and don't let him stop you from doing it.

[Salfordlass]

Ps. Asper, I am loving 'strategic incompetence' - I had no idea that thing my dp does whenever I ask him to do the slightest thing had a name! next time he does it(probably tomorrow ) I will simply say "strategic incompetence- look it up" and walk out the room. It may give him food for thought (tho I doubt it)

[fuzzyllama]

Well it seems the unanimous decision is that I am not BU. Thank you for helping me decide to take a day off this weekend. Hopefully that will be an eye opener for him as to what I do. If he has a cob on when I get back, he will be talking to me about it.

[FV45]

God, and people wonder why mothers of young babies get depressed!

One friggin' hour to yourself - walking the dog (good for the dog), head space for you, which no doubt recharges your batteries.

I'd be "I am taking Fido out for his wall this evening by myself, does it suit you better if I go now or at 6.30?"

You are clear it will happen but happy to negotiate a time with him.

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

While I think your dp should want to be with his daughter, and really don't think it's great that he is evidently sulking about it, I always get a bit puzzled at the people on these threads who blithely suggest that WOHP don't need the break that SAHP desperately, urgently do, and that a commute will do as a 'break'. FT WOTH is bloody hard, esp (I imagine, never done one) in a manual job, and one thing a SAHP gets that many, many WOHP don't is relative autonomy over their day. I say this as a mother, on mat leave, to a 6mo who doesn't sleep in the day unless in the sling or my arms and really dislikes being put down, as well as two school-age dc. I definitely have the better deal out of me and (very hands-on) dh.

Could you at least alternate days where you do the dog walk on your own and days where you take dd? She will soon be getting to the age where she enjoys that evening walk - seeing things around her - and you can use a sling.

Most WOHP spend their day doing things for other people too. As a parent, it rather comes with the territory.

[InlandTiger]

I have a 7-month-old and don't expect my DH to help in the evenings. He has a tiring, stressful job and no I don't count his commute as his 'me time'

Can you take turns walking the dogs? Maybe he would also like some fresh air and exercise after a full day at work.

I find looking after a baby the hardest job I've ever had. It's mentally and physically draining. But there are many perks. You can take breaks when baby naps, you have the freedom to manage your own time, can walk for miles with the pram, meet friends for coffee/lunch, go to baby-cinema etc. And you don't have a boss giving orders or a schedule to stick to!

I try to take my breaks during the day and meet up with friends daily- yes I have baby with me but he often naps in pram, allowing me to chat. Also my DS goes to bed at 7pm so I have a few hours of free time in the evenings.

Do you spend much time with your DH? Do you make sure you have quality time together in evenings? If you always prioritise your hour of solitude over time together I can see why he's irritated.

I think you need to compromise. Some days yes take the dogs out, but other days do something as a family or let DH take dogs out. Let him choose whether he has baby straight away or a bit later, rather than insisting he takes over as soon as he's through the door.

[Narp]

Totally agree with Salfordfordlass

DH was like this a little after the birth of DS1. what's so hard is that our lives have changed monumentally and their's haven't.

OP Address this now.

[Narp]

I would also say that as a SAHM what I needed was not just time alone but TIME AWAY FROM THE BABY.

[ScrumpyBetty]

Heteronormative but walking the dog for an hour is the ONLY break that the poor OP gets by the sound of it. It sounds like her DH who works outside the home gets the rest of the evenings and all weekend to himself. So OP isn't at all unreasonable to want this hour to herself and to be frank, she should be getting a lot more time to herself, especially at weekends.

[Baconyum]

"He's a dick. If it's that easy, and you do nothing all day, then you're not leaving him to do anything difficult are you. And if it's hard for him to do it for one hour then he should have some appreciation for how hard your days are."

THIS!

if he's working AND OP has said she does almost all the baby care (and the dog care by the sounds of things plus probably all the housework knowing these type of men) one hour a day is the least she deserves! Geez even at work full time you're entitled to an hour through the day!!

My ex pulled this crap fortunately just as I stopped feeding (honestlyna coincidence he's not very bright) so his mum (yep his) turned up at my door one sat morning and whisked me away for a long day shopping and lunch "let him learn how hard it really is!" He did a shit job but he never again said "what do you do all day?" Or issue a list of errands for me to do as "you're not busy"!

[NickyEds]

Hetero I don't think anyone is suggesting op's dp shouldn't have a break, op has said that apart from this one hour she takes the baby so he could go for a walk or whatever himself. If she only went every other day then 3/4 days a week she would have no respite at all from childcare. All day and all night.

Perhaps you can cope with no time away Heteto but the op has said that she needs it, shouldn't we try and accommodate our partners needs if we can? I suspect the reason your dp doesn't talk to you about it is he knows he will lose the argument and sulking like a spoilt child has got you questioning if YABU so his strategy has worked so far hasn't it?

I have a dp who is rubbish at taking holidays but at Christmas he had two full weeks off. After 4 days he asked for an hour to go for a walk, just to get away. He rarely complains about any time I have away now.

[NickyEds]

Inland if you can take breaks during the day and don't need any respite in the evenings then that's great! Op does and an hour really isn't too much to ask. WRT the commute being a break, it obviously depends on the commute but as my dp's involves 3/4 of an hour walking through a woodland park with his music on then yes, I count it as a break.

[arethereanyleftatall]

It does frustrate me a bit when an op comes back and says something like 'unanimous support so I was right.' Of course it's unanimous, this is a support website, you needed support, the posters who didn't agree would have simply read the post and not responded.

That said, yanbu to want an hour alone to walk the dog. But can you not go when your dd is asleep and he's home? It's evident from what you write about your dh that he needs a break too.

[skankingpiglet]

Hetero and Inland the posters don't mean the commute is a break equivalent to a trip to the spa. It can be bloody tiring, I know I've done it in the past, some nights spending several hours on the 'M25 car park' on top of the hour or so it took me to get there in the morning. But it is a time when you are answering constant questions, clearing up sick/poo/curry sauce, listening to screaming and crying, trying to prevent a little person from their best effort to harm themselves. Your thoughts are your own. You can sit in silence if you choose (bliss!). You can listen to a bit of music, or even read a book if you use public transport. It's a break because it's a change from what have been doing all day. A break doesn't always mean a physical rest, just a change from what you've been doing for the last 8+ hours.
When DH gets home from work he takes over the childcare to give me a break from it. I don't go and put my feet up letting him work away, I start on outstanding household chores. I'm still 'working' but it's a different work and that's enough to stop my head imploding. The OP is the same. She's not going out on a social (although tbh she needs time to do that too, as does he), she's doing a different chore.

[skankingpiglet]

This is AIBU arethere... Unanimous answers just to support the OP and make her feel good about herself isn't the MO around here If posters disagree they will say, as a few have.

[InlandTiger]

But it is a time when you are answering constant questions, clearing up sick/poo/curry sauce, listening to screaming and crying, trying to prevent a little person from their best effort to harm themselves. Your thoughts are your own. You can sit in silence if you choose(bliss!). You can listen to a bit of music, or even read a book

But you can do all this when baby naps. Or when strolling through the park with baby in pram. Or while baby is quietly playing with toys. Unless baby is teething/colicky and screams all day, you do get breaks.

I agree you should have at least an hours break every day but maybe the timing is wrong. Maybe DH wants time to unwind when he gets in, or get some fresh air or calm down after a busy day. Have you asked him if he would rather take the dog out sometimes?
Agree with a pp who suggested getting baby to sleep first then leaving DH to watch over her.

Everyone likes solitude away from baby, but it's a want not a need. I get my time when baby is in bed.

[HPsauciness]

It's very easy to see if this is a gender issue: are there any women who work full-time (in any type of job) that when they get in then expect to do no childcare whatsoever til they go to bed? And wouldn't care for their own baby for an hour whilst their husband walked the dog?

The answer of course is no. Usually evenings are shared, or one person does this, the other that.

Doing one hour of care a day, especially when you don't step up on weekends is miserly, whatever this job is.

I keep reading on mn that men's (nearly always men's)jobs are very tiring, they need time off when they get in, shouldn't ask them to do housework or childcare in the evening, the stress of being the main breadwinner, why?! I work f/t, am the main breadwinner, and have always got in from work at 6 and cracked on with the general taking care of everything, like pretty much every single working woman I know!

[waterrat]

Jesus wept I cannot believe anyone actually thinks a woman should only be allowed a break when the baby is sleeping. That wpuld suggest a man's life should not be impacted in any way by having a child.

[Narp]

Inland

That's lovely for you.

What if you have a baby that is difficult to settle, or who wakes frequently?

[Narp]

waterrat

I agree

[31weeksgone]

Jesus Christ take your hour! I have a 22 week old baby girl so I understand fully. When my OH (who works in a hospital and 7AM and gets in 7pm) gets in, I practically throw DD at him and he lets me sit down and have a cup of tea etc etc. Having a small baby is mindless and demanding at times. (And the best thing in the world all the same ) tonight I'm leaving DD for the first time since her birth and going to the spa for 2 hours with my best friend. Do not feel guilty! X

[LBOCS2]

She's 'on duty' for 23 hours a day. Her DP works maybe a 9/10 hour day, plus an hour's commute (being generous). Other than that, all his time is his own, including overnight as she's EBF so he doesn't have to share the night wakings either.

An hour to herself not holding the baby (and, let's be honest, carrying out another household task - she's not off in a wine bar swigging down half a bottle before heading back although it would be absolutely fine too) is good for her mental health.

I used to fling DD at DH when he came in through the front door and go and do anything else instead of holding her - loading the dishwasher, putting on laundry, making dinner. Anything, just allowing me to use my arms.

I have WOHM with DC, and I am currently a SAHM. WOHM is a much better deal, frankly.

[InlandTiger]

I agree that some evenings you need to hand baby straight to DH and go out/escape to kitchen/have a bath. I do that too if I've had a difficult day. But doing it every day, without discussing how he feels about it, doesn't seem fair.

My DH steps in when I'm exhausted but I don't assume I'm more deserving of a break then he is straight after work. Sometimes he's shattered too. I'd feel mean handing him DS every day and saying 'right I'm off for my daily walk see you in an hour'.

You both need to take care of each other when you have a baby, that means recognising when one person needs a break more than the other, and being flexible with giving each other 'time off' not demanding it or assuming.

OP maybe your husband would rather do a later shift, eg do bath/bedtime routine some nights?