To just want an hours break?

[fuzzyllama]

I like to take the dog for his late evening walk for an hour, as it just gives me a break and some time on my own. I have a 20 week old dd, that doesn't particularly enjoy being put down, so I am pretty much with her all day.

However, when ever I get back home dp seems moody and can only speak in one word answers, huffs and puffs and seems irritated. He does work a full time manual labour job. I understand this is tiring. I understand dd can be difficult. But what I don't understand is why an hour seems like too much for him to spend alone with her. Surely he should enjoy the limited time he has with her ? Just leaves me feeling that I can't have an hours break.

[peggyundercrackers]

Yanbu at all it doesn't sound lie, you throw the baby at him as soon as he comes in so he is getting a bit of a rest before you go out with the dog.

How is his relationship with the baby at other times? Does he take her over the weekend and spend time with her in his own?

[Frostybird]

Yanbu at all! We have baby twins and although dh doesn't do much for them through the week ( he works 13 hour days so they are in bed by the time he gets home) he does often make dinner and does his fair share on his days off.

I sometimes take an hour for myself on a Saturday usually just pop for a coffee or go and do the food shop, just for that bit of time on my own.

The poster who said your time for a break is when the baby is sleeping. Lots of babies don't sleep, some of us have twins and plenty of people have a baby and toddler. I use nap time to do the housework, prepare their food so it's not a time for me to put my feet up.

When I return to work I won't get the option of saying I'm too tired to do bath and bed time so why should a man be able to say this!?

[Cornishclio]

Of course you are not BU OP. An hour away from the baby each day to clear your head, give you a break and get the dog walked seems such a little thing. For those who say just do it when the baby naps so husband doesn't have to look after the baby this is so wrong. Fathers need to step up when they are home as bringing a child into the world is a joint decision.

I had 2 children with just an 18 month gap and my OH worked long hours but he would generally come home to a tidy house, cooked meal and I did almost all the childcare even though my youngest hardly ever slept. One day I exploded and got a Saturday job when the baby was 6 months old and said he could have the care of them for that day so we could get some extra money and I could do something other than childcare for 8 hours and luxury a whole lunch break to myself. He said it was the hardest days work he had ever done and was a much more hand on dad after that. Some men are not confident around babies and need a gentle shove sometimes.

[NickyEds]

Yes toomuchtooold I very much doubt he has the brass neck to say, "no op, you may not have one hour a day away, you must do the full 24 hours a day, every day, with the baby" as he knows how out of line that would be, so he behaves like a spoilt child and sulks instead.

[toomuchtooold]

It's probably been said by now but he's experiencing cognitive dissonance about how much work it is to look after a baby. He's probably very wedded to the idea that his life is hard and yours is easy, but actually when he has the baby for an hour in the evening he finds it tiring, but he can't really complain about it because to do so means admitting to himself (and to you!) that looking after a baby is actually quite hard, and therefore maybe you're actually working harder than him, and actually having the baby for one hour is the least he can do!

[TheOddity]

A lot of men don't like babies, especially breastfed babies who really don't settle much for anyone except mum. My DH was like that, but now he and DS age 4 are best buddies and old boobybuddy over here doesn't get a look in . Still, you should be upset that he isn't willing to take the hit for an hour and let you have a break. Don't expect it to be a fun and pleasurable experience for him though. It is hard after all!

[fuzzyllama]

Of a general evening this is what happens- dp comes home anywhere between 5-6pm. Dinner is mostly ready as soon as he gets home, we have dinner, we have a cup of tea, I take dog for a walk about 7 ish, always back by 8pm latest, and then relieve him of baby when I get back. I'd love to be able to get baby to sleep before I go out with the dog, but she will not go to sleep before 10pm. He sometimes takes the dog out whilst I am feeding baby to sleep if he wants to, he also works out doors all day, so it is not for a want of fresh air on his behalf I assume.

I'll be talking to him at the weekend, because what bothers more than feeling guilty about taking a break, is the fact he just doesn't seem keen on looking after dd on his own. If there was a reason for this I'd hope he would tell me.

[ImperialBlether]

My SIL used to meet her husband at the gate, with the baby in her outstretched arms. She'd pass the baby over then run upstairs and have an hour to herself.

[NickyEds]

Given op's dp is huffing and puffing and speaking in one word sentences whilst not stepping up during the night or at weekends I think he's demonstrated his level of flexibility and it sounds a bit shit.

[TheOddity]

It is fair to have your hands free and your mind off someone else's needs for an hour every day when you are not a single parent! It really is! DH sometimes tries to get out of the baby care and play with older DS but I pass the baby back to him because yes, babies are really bloody hard clingy draining work and anyone who tells you differently has either never experienced it or forgotten. Is he missing walking the dog? I would totally ignore his attitude OP because it is totally unreasonable. Is he having to wait for you for dinner? Any other factors at play?

[InlandTiger]

I agree that some evenings you need to hand baby straight to DH and go out/escape to kitchen/have a bath. I do that too if I've had a difficult day. But doing it every day, without discussing how he feels about it, doesn't seem fair.

My DH steps in when I'm exhausted but I don't assume I'm more deserving of a break then he is straight after work. Sometimes he's shattered too. I'd feel mean handing him DS every day and saying 'right I'm off for my daily walk see you in an hour'.

You both need to take care of each other when you have a baby, that means recognising when one person needs a break more than the other, and being flexible with giving each other 'time off' not demanding it or assuming.

OP maybe your husband would rather do a later shift, eg do bath/bedtime routine some nights?

[LBOCS2]

She's 'on duty' for 23 hours a day. Her DP works maybe a 9/10 hour day, plus an hour's commute (being generous). Other than that, all his time is his own, including overnight as she's EBF so he doesn't have to share the night wakings either.

An hour to herself not holding the baby (and, let's be honest, carrying out another household task - she's not off in a wine bar swigging down half a bottle before heading back although it would be absolutely fine too) is good for her mental health.

I used to fling DD at DH when he came in through the front door and go and do anything else instead of holding her - loading the dishwasher, putting on laundry, making dinner. Anything, just allowing me to use my arms.

I have WOHM with DC, and I am currently a SAHM. WOHM is a much better deal, frankly.

[31weeksgone]

Jesus Christ take your hour! I have a 22 week old baby girl so I understand fully. When my OH (who works in a hospital and 7AM and gets in 7pm) gets in, I practically throw DD at him and he lets me sit down and have a cup of tea etc etc. Having a small baby is mindless and demanding at times. (And the best thing in the world all the same ) tonight I'm leaving DD for the first time since her birth and going to the spa for 2 hours with my best friend. Do not feel guilty! X

[Narp]

waterrat

I agree

[Narp]

Inland

That's lovely for you.

What if you have a baby that is difficult to settle, or who wakes frequently?

[waterrat]

Jesus wept I cannot believe anyone actually thinks a woman should only be allowed a break when the baby is sleeping. That wpuld suggest a man's life should not be impacted in any way by having a child.

[HPsauciness]

It's very easy to see if this is a gender issue: are there any women who work full-time (in any type of job) that when they get in then expect to do no childcare whatsoever til they go to bed? And wouldn't care for their own baby for an hour whilst their husband walked the dog?

The answer of course is no. Usually evenings are shared, or one person does this, the other that.

Doing one hour of care a day, especially when you don't step up on weekends is miserly, whatever this job is.

I keep reading on mn that men's (nearly always men's)jobs are very tiring, they need time off when they get in, shouldn't ask them to do housework or childcare in the evening, the stress of being the main breadwinner, why?! I work f/t, am the main breadwinner, and have always got in from work at 6 and cracked on with the general taking care of everything, like pretty much every single working woman I know!

[InlandTiger]

But it is a time when you are answering constant questions, clearing up sick/poo/curry sauce, listening to screaming and crying, trying to prevent a little person from their best effort to harm themselves. Your thoughts are your own. You can sit in silence if you choose(bliss!). You can listen to a bit of music, or even read a book

But you can do all this when baby naps. Or when strolling through the park with baby in pram. Or while baby is quietly playing with toys. Unless baby is teething/colicky and screams all day, you do get breaks.

I agree you should have at least an hours break every day but maybe the timing is wrong. Maybe DH wants time to unwind when he gets in, or get some fresh air or calm down after a busy day. Have you asked him if he would rather take the dog out sometimes?
Agree with a pp who suggested getting baby to sleep first then leaving DH to watch over her.

Everyone likes solitude away from baby, but it's a want not a need. I get my time when baby is in bed.

[skankingpiglet]

This is AIBU arethere... Unanimous answers just to support the OP and make her feel good about herself isn't the MO around here If posters disagree they will say, as a few have.

[skankingpiglet]

Hetero and Inland the posters don't mean the commute is a break equivalent to a trip to the spa. It can be bloody tiring, I know I've done it in the past, some nights spending several hours on the 'M25 car park' on top of the hour or so it took me to get there in the morning. But it is a time when you are answering constant questions, clearing up sick/poo/curry sauce, listening to screaming and crying, trying to prevent a little person from their best effort to harm themselves. Your thoughts are your own. You can sit in silence if you choose (bliss!). You can listen to a bit of music, or even read a book if you use public transport. It's a break because it's a change from what have been doing all day. A break doesn't always mean a physical rest, just a change from what you've been doing for the last 8+ hours.
When DH gets home from work he takes over the childcare to give me a break from it. I don't go and put my feet up letting him work away, I start on outstanding household chores. I'm still 'working' but it's a different work and that's enough to stop my head imploding. The OP is the same. She's not going out on a social (although tbh she needs time to do that too, as does he), she's doing a different chore.

[arethereanyleftatall]

It does frustrate me a bit when an op comes back and says something like 'unanimous support so I was right.' Of course it's unanimous, this is a support website, you needed support, the posters who didn't agree would have simply read the post and not responded.

That said, yanbu to want an hour alone to walk the dog. But can you not go when your dd is asleep and he's home? It's evident from what you write about your dh that he needs a break too.

[NickyEds]

Inland if you can take breaks during the day and don't need any respite in the evenings then that's great! Op does and an hour really isn't too much to ask. WRT the commute being a break, it obviously depends on the commute but as my dp's involves 3/4 of an hour walking through a woodland park with his music on then yes, I count it as a break.

[NickyEds]

Hetero I don't think anyone is suggesting op's dp shouldn't have a break, op has said that apart from this one hour she takes the baby so he could go for a walk or whatever himself. If she only went every other day then 3/4 days a week she would have no respite at all from childcare. All day and all night.

Perhaps you can cope with no time away Heteto but the op has said that she needs it, shouldn't we try and accommodate our partners needs if we can? I suspect the reason your dp doesn't talk to you about it is he knows he will lose the argument and sulking like a spoilt child has got you questioning if YABU so his strategy has worked so far hasn't it?

I have a dp who is rubbish at taking holidays but at Christmas he had two full weeks off. After 4 days he asked for an hour to go for a walk, just to get away. He rarely complains about any time I have away now.

[Baconyum]

"He's a dick. If it's that easy, and you do nothing all day, then you're not leaving him to do anything difficult are you. And if it's hard for him to do it for one hour then he should have some appreciation for how hard your days are."

THIS!

if he's working AND OP has said she does almost all the baby care (and the dog care by the sounds of things plus probably all the housework knowing these type of men) one hour a day is the least she deserves! Geez even at work full time you're entitled to an hour through the day!!

My ex pulled this crap fortunately just as I stopped feeding (honestlyna coincidence he's not very bright) so his mum (yep his) turned up at my door one sat morning and whisked me away for a long day shopping and lunch "let him learn how hard it really is!" He did a shit job but he never again said "what do you do all day?" Or issue a list of errands for me to do as "you're not busy"!

[ScrumpyBetty]

Heteronormative but walking the dog for an hour is the ONLY break that the poor OP gets by the sound of it. It sounds like her DH who works outside the home gets the rest of the evenings and all weekend to himself. So OP isn't at all unreasonable to want this hour to herself and to be frank, she should be getting a lot more time to herself, especially at weekends.