to feel uncomfortable about giving Chinese names to my (future) children?

[Lilylo]

Hi all, I am aware that yesterday there was a thread about exactly the same topic, but the OP was apparently trolling so the thread was removed by MSNHQ.

However, I realized that I am very interested in hearing opinions from other posters about exacly the same topic, so I am trying to reopen the discussion (I promise I am not a troll!!!).

So, DH and I don't have kids yet but we plan to start a family in the next 2/3 years, so we started talking about baby things, including names we like.

A bit of background:

-DH is from a Chinese family, but he grew up abroad. On his passport he has English name + Chinese name + Chinese surname. Everyone knows him as [English name], no one uses his Chinese name ever.

• I am French, so on my documents I have French name + French surname.

When we have kids, we would like to give both our surnames to reflect the mixed heritage. We live and will live in the UK, so our children will grow up in an English speaking environment.

We fundamentally disagree about the name combination:

DH would like to name our children English Name + Chinese Name + Chinese Surname + French Surname.

What a mess!!! He says his family cares about having a Chinese name even though no one uses it. In this way our children would have names that reflect their Chinese heritage much more than their French heritage.

In my opinion the most balanced combination would be: English name + Chinese surname + French Surname.

In this way our children would have an English element (to make their day to day life in the UK easier), a Chinese element and a French element to their names, thus reflecting both their heritage and the culture/ country where the will grow up.

AIBU to feel like a Chinese name would just make life more complicated for our future children?

[grapejuicerocks]

My dp really wanted a particular name for DD. I hated it but let him have it as a middle name purely because apart from on official documents, a middle name is unused and irrelevant still hate the bloody name It also meant that I got more say in the first name as i "allowed" him a name I really didn't like.

[MrsS1990]

To be honest if you can't agree on a simple thing like this- don't have kids lol. Get a puppy instead

[Lilylo]

I think perhaps if I could use a Chinese name that is only one character/ word as a middle name then it would sound better. Chinese names are traditionallu two characters/ words though, so that would be a compromise.

Something like:

Julie Lam Wu Biguet

or

James Chai Huang Ribou

[NameChange30]

Yeah I agree. That would work well.

[Oldraver]

I think your over thinking. In everyday life it's mostly only the first and surname that's used. Middle names are a nicety. I also think it's nice to have to have some links to their ethnicity or culture

Many people have three names and double barrelled surname

[MerryMarigold]

Having an extra name doesn't mean that the Chinese heritage is more important. It just means your DH wants them to have a Chinese name. Massive overthinking going on.

As your first language is French, it is far more likely that you will speak French to children than your dh will speak Cantonese/ Mandarin to them. I think they are far more likely to be bilingual in French (since it is also a lot closer to visit, many groups for bilingual kids etc) than in dh's language. I would say the language you can speak fluently is more important in terms of 'heritage' than a middle name. This is why I think it is odd that you are so keen on making everything 'fair'. It is going to be so impossible with children not sure how you manage right now to be honest. "I changed 2 nappies, now it's your turn to do 2."

[MerryMarigold]

The Chinese middle name can be hyphenated so it is not 2 names eg. Ling-An

[Lilylo]

I think this whole name situation is so important for me because I have been thinking about how I would name my DC since I was a child myself. I've always had a thing for names, and now that I am getting there in real life I am afraid I will have to use names from a culture/ language I don't really understand and know much about..

[NameChange30]

Well, they will be his children too.
And maybe this is a good opportunity to learn more about his culture and language.
If you like names it should be interesting to find out about other naming traditions.

[corythatwas]

Lilylo Mon 04-Apr-16 18:29:42

"I think this whole name situation is so important for me because I have been thinking about how I would name my DC since I was a child myself."

Well, that is the thing about having children (unless through an anonymous sperm donor): there are two parents and parenting is something you do together. Imho (2 children, one of whom is adult, the other one a teen), it really pays off to let the father to feel like an equal parent from the very start: you get more support from an equal parent.

"I am afraid I will have to use names from a culture/ language I don't really understand and know much about"

I do remember that moment of shock when it first hit dh and me that one of us is going to accept that our baby has a foreign name. In retrospect, this seems a complete non-issue: dc are so clearly their own people, with their own unique life and their names and mixed heritage is part of that.

[foragogo]

I think I'd go with Chinese name French name both surnames or vice versa, maybe switchbit up each kid. as others have said, children and their parents nowadays are used to such a wide range of different origin names as they are in such multicultural classes nowadays taht nobody would bat an eyelid.

I actually know of a Franco Chinese famil who have done this is but child 1, a bit, is Chinese name French name (apparently, I have no idea what it is) Father's surname (French) and their daughter is French name Chinese name Father's surname (Shen and Elodie) I really don't think anyone thinks about it these days.

[Lilylo]

foragogo since DH actually grew up in Australia and is a English native speaker, he would like an English name first. He would actually be actively against a Chinese first name. He does not feel fully Chinese, more like "50% Australian 50% Chinese" (quoting his words).

We agreed on this since an English name would be a good compromise and would reflect thw language/ culture we decided to raise our DC with.

[Lilylo]

"I do remember that moment of shock when it first hit dh and me that one of us is going to accept that our baby has a foreign name."

I think this is exactly the way I feel right now

[corythatwas]

It will pass, Lilylo, it will pass. But the memory of the grace and understanding with which you both negotiated these early pitfalls will remain and make it easier to parent together. If you do have a child, there will be multiple challenges on the way, many, many decisions which call for compromise and trust in the other parent and in their willingness to listen. Never too early to start laying the foundations. And that's before you even reach the stage where the child makes a third person who requires mutual trust and willingness to listen.

[TheElementsSong]

I am afraid I will have to use names from a culture/ language I don't really understand and know much about..

You can learn, can't you? And as you say, your DH is completely Westernised so it's not like you'll be expected to be fully immersed in it.

And I still don't understand your obsession with a mathematical level of "fairness" in your baby naming algorithm Honestly OP, you are soooo overthinking this.

[HamaTime]

My dcs have ridiculous long names. The eldest started using his Chinese name as a teenager but the others so far go by their English names. One of the reasons I was very keen on them having Chinese names is because I didn't want a load of 'you're not really Chinese, you're gwailo' type shit because they are mixed race. It hasn't made anything more complicated.

[ArcheryAnnie]

Hama I went with naming for reasons similar to yours: double-barrelled last name because he's having my name, dammit, but also his dad's last name so that the in-laws will accept him as a true [familyname], since so much about his life is different from his cousins' lives. And first name and middle name, one from each culture, so if he wants he can swap around when he's older.

I know lots of adults who negotiate their lives by using different names for different social groups - they might use an Anglo name at work, or with English friends, but use their [heritage language] name with family and same-culture friends. It doesn't seem to be a problem for anybody.

[Isetan]

Which is it? Chinese and French first names will disadvantage your future children in 21st century England or, that in the supposed interests of fairness, your H should fore go choosing a Chinese first name because you've decided to choose a English first name over a French one and you don't like long names.

Do you think friends of Prince William Arthur Philip Louis Windsor use his full name, heck they probably shorten William. In your supposed efforts to be fair you're being very unfair.