to feel uncomfortable about giving Chinese names to my (future) children?

[Lilylo]

Hi all, I am aware that yesterday there was a thread about exactly the same topic, but the OP was apparently trolling so the thread was removed by MSNHQ.

However, I realized that I am very interested in hearing opinions from other posters about exacly the same topic, so I am trying to reopen the discussion (I promise I am not a troll!!!).

So, DH and I don't have kids yet but we plan to start a family in the next 2/3 years, so we started talking about baby things, including names we like.

A bit of background:

-DH is from a Chinese family, but he grew up abroad. On his passport he has English name + Chinese name + Chinese surname. Everyone knows him as [English name], no one uses his Chinese name ever.

• I am French, so on my documents I have French name + French surname.

When we have kids, we would like to give both our surnames to reflect the mixed heritage. We live and will live in the UK, so our children will grow up in an English speaking environment.

We fundamentally disagree about the name combination:

DH would like to name our children English Name + Chinese Name + Chinese Surname + French Surname.

What a mess!!! He says his family cares about having a Chinese name even though no one uses it. In this way our children would have names that reflect their Chinese heritage much more than their French heritage.

In my opinion the most balanced combination would be: English name + Chinese surname + French Surname.

In this way our children would have an English element (to make their day to day life in the UK easier), a Chinese element and a French element to their names, thus reflecting both their heritage and the culture/ country where the will grow up.

AIBU to feel like a Chinese name would just make life more complicated for our future children?

[TheElementsSong]

Having a set of names that reflects a complicated heritage is possibly the most British thing there is.

Beautifully put ArcheryAnnie, I completely agree!

[MerryMarigold]

2 thoughts:

• China is a greatly 'different' culture to English than French culture which is basically the same with a different language (and lots of names in common - Isabelle, Julia etc). So it would kind of require the Chinese middle name to 'compensate' for/ celebrate that iyswim. Really to be 100% 'fair' you would need to do that. Culturally, as someone pointed out, it is important to have a Chinese name, so joining in with this is part of the culture.
  

• I don't understand how a Chinese middle name will make a child feel 'different' and I feel sad that you think that and wouldn't want to celebrate their Chinese heritage. Who knows, maybe your child will want to work in China/ HK and use their Chinese name one day. Maybe they will learn Mandarin in school (it's up and coming) and decide they want to work there.
  

I think you are a bit obsessed with things being 100% fair and equal. If your marriage is like this in other areas, it must be a constant struggle.

I am not Chinese and neither is dh, but he is from another country, and I would have loved him to suggest this (sadly, he seems almost embarrassed of where he comes from, and desperate to be as English as possible.) We did name dd a name from his country, which he accepted as it is similar to a Spanish name which is fairly well known here as well.

[Hackedabove]

My friend is a BBC, she's told me her Chinese middle name but I can't remember it, she's never used it. Her DF changed his first name and surname when he moved to the uk to fit in. He now uses his proper Chinese first name, but the surname is British.

There's no problem having 2 middle names or a dribble barrelled surname. I like the idea of merging the parents surname and everyone is that when children arrive.

You don't have any children yet so I would try not to worry, it may be an easier decision 2/3 years down the line.

[GingerLeaves]

Actually, I quite like the idea of:

French Forename - Chinese Forename - French Surname - Chinese Surname

[Hackedabove]

It's also common in Chinese culture for a relative to choose the names...

[2016Hopeful]

Make it fair by giving the child a French first name but one that is used in the UK, seems to be quite a lot of names that could be used in France or the UK eg. Isabelle or Louis.

[Salzundessig]

I agree with you OP. We had the same discussion, albeit with German and English. We live in a German speaking country so we agreed on names that work in both languages but spelt them the English way. We have a German sounding surname so I felt that was a fair balance. For our next child we are going with a neutral name (spelt the English way) + English middle name + German surname.

There are lots of French names that work very well in the UK so I would go with French FN + Chinese second name + double barrelled or both surnames.

Living abroad does make you want to keep your heritage alive so I get where you are both coming from.

[corythatwas]

Tried to answer this yesterday but the computer got stuck.

As one of a cross-cultural marriage I have found compromise and mutual generosity is the way to go.

The way it has panned out for us is minority culture first name, two middle names one from each culture, majority culture surname. There is absolutely no disadvantage to having two middle names.

For my family, having a family name preserved as a middle name was really important: dh had no experience of this but accepted it when I said it was important to me.

Also, no real problems with having first name and surname from different cultures.

For dc, knowing that they are of mixed heritage has been a positive thing.

[MajesticWhine]

YABU. Middle names don't really matter at all. If it is important to your DH and his family, then why not go with the flow? Your children can choose later in life whether to use the names or not. Nice for them to have the option, especially if they learn to speak Chinese. I choose not to use my middle name on any documents, job applications, credit cards etc. It's an English name, it doesn't really add anything in terms of my heritage, and I just find it simpler not to. It's not compulsory, your kids will have the same option.

[georgiatraher]

I'm in a similar situation, but will be taking Chinese surname anyway. So kiddies will have the same. I suspect that our DC will have: Eng name, Eng middle, Chinese name, Chinese surname I have two middle names so have no problem with a longer name and chinese names can be beautiful. I suspect we'll call them with their chinese name in the family and english by their friends and schools etc.

[MrsJayy]

I think European first name chinese middle name double barreled surname with whoevers surname is shorter first flows better rather than prioritising makes better sense.

[MrsJayy]

Most french/brittish names cross over i have a French name but nowhere near french

[Lilylo]

Thank you for all your comments.

As many of you pointed out, some English names work in French as well, however most of the English names we like don't. So in my mind English name means English, not European.

I still think that giving such a long name to DC would be a bit ridicolous.

Just imagine something like:

Oliver Xui Lang Wu Biguet

or

Lily Xiao Ming Huang Poupard

Am I the only one who feels like these super long names are ridicolous?

[corythatwas]

If you insist that my children's names are ridiculous, OP...

doesn't seem to have bothered anyone else, though

Mine is even longer because I have two middle names and a double-barrelled surname. People don't stop and stare at me in the street, you know.

[Lilylo]

cory I am sorry I did not mean to be offensive, I just don't like very long names, that's all.

[corythatwas]

it's all right, OP, no real offense taken

Just wondering- how important is your not liking long names if it's going to be balanced against your dh's with to recognise the other half of his heritage and his family's wish to have the Chinese side part remembered?

Bearing in mind that most of the time nobody is actually going to know what your middle names look like; there will not be a situation where your dc gets teased at school because s/he's got middle names; classmates are not going to know or care.

[Goingtobeawesome]

No, they aren't ridic u lous.

[MrsJayy]

Do you go by your own surname? Tbh it is really long but your husband is australian chinese its his heritage would french first double barelled surname not do?

[shovetheholly]

I actually like both of them - the fact that so many Chinese names are one or two syllables really makes them feel a lot shorter than they are! It's very different to having an English name with four or five syllables per name! Maybe you should think of it as equity in syllables rather than words!!

[Lilylo]

gointobeawesome I am sorry English is not my first language so
I sometimes make spelling mistakes. I apologize.

[TheElementsSong]

I don't think those names are excessively long, I know people (English FWIW) who have longer names. Also the Chinese given names can be written as one word, y'know, which would make them appear shorter, since the length of name seems to be a sticking point for you.

[corythatwas]

"Also the Chinese given names can be written as one word, y'know, which would make them appear shorter, since the length of name seems to be a sticking point for you."

I meant to say this; know several Chinese people who do this.

[NameChange30]

If you can't agree on an English name that works in French, agree on a French name that works in English. I find it hard to believe you won't be able to find one you both like! And you will have plenty of time to decide - especially as you've already started thinking about it and you're not planning to TTC for a few years!

I think you should have:
French name (one that works in English)
+
Chinese name (one that you like too)
+
Double barrelled surname (whichever order works best)

I agree with the PP who suggested that you're assuming British people have the same attitude as French people. As a general rule it seems we're more flexible, and this thread has so far proved the theory!

[AllPizzasGreatAndSmall]

No, they aren't ridic u lous.

Thanks, the OP getting a letter wrong in a language that is not her mother tongue needed to be picked up on didn't it because nobody could understand what she meant.

[DotForShort]

Nope, those names are not ridiculous at all IMO. I think they sound brilliant.