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AIBU?

to no longer want to provide free childcare for my exp

76 replies

ratburger56 · 30/03/2016 22:47

Aibu to resent being expected to continue to be a free childcare service to my ex even though it greatly reduces the time that i can work?

We have been seperated for 2yrs, and are currently divorcing.

We have 50/50 shared care for our two young children who adore both of us and have been in the same routine for the last two years.

My ex wants to now swap the routine around as his job is changing and his days off will now be in the half of the week that i currently have the children. He has a decent enough salary and can afford either not to work the hours he is choosing or to pay for childcare in his time with the children.

I am a lone parent with no available help from family currently looking for low paid part time work to fit around the time that the children are with him. I have been a sahp to our children for the last 7yrs and already finding it tough to find a job to fit in with the available time that i have.My problem with the proposed swap is that it will further limit the time i can work from three days down to two as it will mean i will have the children for three week days instead of the two that i currently have them. We have split the child benefit so i would only get help with childcare costs for one of the children if i were to swap and would be struggling to make ends meet if i needed to cover the childcare costs as well due to me having the children for an extra day during the week.

He has said to me that i should swap or he will be seeking to have more than 50% of the time with the children to make up for the time that he is working and having to pay for childcare.

OP posts:

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sleeponeday · 31/03/2016 00:04

X-post, noef.

OP I agree you need to sit down and reflect on who does what, going forward. And make a plan that you can take to mediation, because it doesn't sound as if the current situation is working really.

RudeElf · 31/03/2016 00:04

Yes childcare costs are inevitable when you work and have children. School Holidays are the stinger, but many people manage. If you want to work you will figure it out. Put it this way, you are now (i'm assuming) getting JSA which means you are agreeing to look for work. You will have to juggle childcare around whatever job you find. Best get your head round that idea now.

RudeElf · 31/03/2016 00:10

You will have to juggle childcare around whatever job you find. Best get your head round that idea now.

So will he BTW but thats not your responsibility to teach him. You just take care of your own shit. Leave him to handle or not handle his.

sleeponeday · 31/03/2016 00:11

Where are all these school hours term time only jobs?

I think there's a misunderstanding here: OP isn't looking for a termtime only/school hours job because currently, she can work 3 full weekdays, ie a job-share, without concern for childcare because those are the days their father has them. He wants to make that 2, which would obviously limit the pool of part-time work available to her, as well as the hours in which she can earn.

Why should she take in ironing instead of working in a professional context, so he can avoid paying childcare costs for his children, when he wants to change his working hours to better suit himself without regard to her or the kids? Why are his needs the sole consideration, and she unreasonable if she fails to meet them?

ElderlyKoreanLady · 31/03/2016 00:13

It's only more limiting for her during the week. If we look at the weekend day that their father would now have them too, she gains an extra day which she can work that isn't affected by school breaks.

sleeponeday · 31/03/2016 00:13

And if she gets a fulltime job, under the plan they agreed back when it suited him, she would only need to arrange and fund childcare for 2 days a week, outside school hours and in the holidays.

It seems he thinks tails he should win, heads she should lose. They set up a schedule around his work patterns, and now he wants to change them again, though it inconveniences and financially disadvantages her. I don't think it's her job to ease his path through life at cost to herself.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/03/2016 00:16

Would he be willing to remove his CB claim and have it paid to you?

sleeponeday · 31/03/2016 00:17

It's only more limiting for her during the week. If we look at the weekend day that their father would now have them too, she gains an extra day which she can work that isn't affected by school breaks.

The majority of work - certainly consistent hours, better-paid work - is in the week.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 31/03/2016 00:19

I still don't get how it currently inconveniences her either financially or otherwise. Jobs don't only happen on weekdays. In fact, many retailers have higher staffing demands at the weekend, one day of which the OP would now be able to commit to, without school holidays getting in the way.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 31/03/2016 00:23

OP has specified she's looking for a low-paid job. I'm sure this isn't exactly out of preference to not be paid a decent day's wage, but generally these jobs are obtainable and week-round.

ratburger56 · 31/03/2016 00:28

I'm already aware of the childcare costs and have given it much thought which is why I'm trying to find suitable employment around the time i have the children currently and to minimise the childcare costs as much as possible. I have also applied for full time jobs in the profession i was employed in before taking a break but unfortunately it is not very well paid in the area i live in and private rent costs are high as i currently would have to pay for a couple of hours after school two days a week and three mornings of breakfast club, it was doable for the right money. If we swap i will have the added cost of childminders for three days after school instead of two. Which add up on a not very well paid job.

The ex has already made it clear that he will not help at all and also recently threatened in mediation that he would have the children fulltime if i could not support myself.

OP posts:

TendonQueen · 31/03/2016 00:33

That sounds like a crap mediation session then if he was basically just expecting it all his way and making threats. Did that not get challenged? Did the current arrangement get agreed formally or just between the two of you? I do think he's being arrogant about this.

ratburger56 · 31/03/2016 00:40

Yes we formally agreed in the first session of mediation the days we have currently

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/03/2016 00:41

Would it be worth going back to mediation.

shazzarooney99 · 31/03/2016 00:41

Free childcare???? they are your own bloody children!!!

TendonQueen · 31/03/2016 00:48

They're also his children, yet he expects to not pay childcare but also not support her in looking after them and therefore being unable to take paid work. Talk about having your cake and eating it.

ratburger56 · 31/03/2016 00:54

Needsasock not sure if it would be worth going back to mediation as i was told I'd never get a job when i mentioned it as a second reason to not change the current schedule we have for the children.

The first being that our youngest finds it difficult to cope with to long a time away from the other parent.

OP posts:

RudeElf · 31/03/2016 00:57

The first being that our youngest finds it difficult to cope with to long a time away from the other parent.

What is the current arrangement and what is he proposing. It sounds like you are grasping at straws with that 'reason' tbh.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 31/03/2016 00:58

Who said you'll never get a job?

LizKeen · 31/03/2016 01:05

Are you claiming CB at the first child rate while he is also claiming CB at the first child rate? I don't know the legal position on that but it is morally wrong IMO.

As for the rest. You need to separate yourself properly. You split benefits and claimed IS to enable him to work. That's a muddy boundary. Now you want clear ones after years of him still being enabled by you. You will have an uphill battle.

Split is split. Put your foot down and say you are sticking to the agreement that is in place and that his life, job, childcare and relationship with his kids are not your responsibility.

ratburger56 · 31/03/2016 01:08

The ex told me i will never get a job and my youngest is still finding the seperation difficult. The curent arangment is a 4433 and he proposed a 5522 but now wants to keep the 4433. So if i had of agreed to the changed 6 months ago we would now be changing the schedule again.

OP posts:

ratburger56 · 31/03/2016 01:14

The child benefit is claimed legally one child lives with me and the other with him.

It is quite standard in shared care. One of us gets the higer rate and the other the lower rate.

OP posts:

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RudeElf · 31/03/2016 01:16

How does 4433 work for you wrt finding work? Surely it would mean your days with the DC would be different every other week?

ratburger56 · 31/03/2016 01:22

The days are the same sun mon and tue with a swap over on wed morning. The only day that changes is a saturday.

OP posts:

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 31/03/2016 01:23

I'm well confused about the arrangements, but it doesn't matter. Bottom line is that he's a bully & you need to stop listening to his absolute bullshit about you gettng a job and what he will do regarding the split of time with the children. It's not up to him.

I think you are better off doing 3.5 & keeping the same days each week. It's better for finding jobs and it's better for the children's routine. The older they get the more you'll need to commit to activities etc that need regular attendance. You can't do that if the days vary all the time.

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