to no longer want to provide free childcare for my exp

[ratburger56]

Aibu to resent being expected to continue to be a free childcare service to my ex even though it greatly reduces the time that i can work?

We have been seperated for 2yrs, and are currently divorcing.

We have 50/50 shared care for our two young children who adore both of us and have been in the same routine for the last two years.

My ex wants to now swap the routine around as his job is changing and his days off will now be in the half of the week that i currently have the children. He has a decent enough salary and can afford either not to work the hours he is choosing or to pay for childcare in his time with the children.

I am a lone parent with no available help from family currently looking for low paid part time work to fit around the time that the children are with him. I have been a sahp to our children for the last 7yrs and already finding it tough to find a job to fit in with the available time that i have.My problem with the proposed swap is that it will further limit the time i can work from three days down to two as it will mean i will have the children for three week days instead of the two that i currently have them. We have split the child benefit so i would only get help with childcare costs for one of the children if i were to swap and would be struggling to make ends meet if i needed to cover the childcare costs as well due to me having the children for an extra day during the week.

He has said to me that i should swap or he will be seeking to have more than 50% of the time with the children to make up for the time that he is working and having to pay for childcare.

[Lookproperly]

Ratburger, I have been in a similar position (without the complicated finances, as EXP gives me £15 per week towards DS' care, which is a whole other thread). In my case EXP originally had DS on 2 particular days of the week and kept changing these to suit his needs.

In my case I am very lucky to have a very flexible part time job and help from family. However, eventually my constantly changing days had an affect on my career prospects and I got fed up of everything having to suit EXP, and not knowing from one week to the next what was happening.

I stood up to him and he threatened all sorts, had me running scared. I saw a fabulous solicitor who is also a mediator. She made me see that EXP is a great big bully, and that he cannot enforce his requirements on me. That every time I give in to his threats I reinforce the fact that I can be pushed around. She explained why it would be best to avoid any kind of court situation, but she explained that any court would see that I had done more than enough to accommodate him and that it was time to stop.

So I stood up to him. He hated it and the threats escalated- like a child testing the boundaries that I set. I then refused any contact other than in writing until he could communicate without bullying. 3 days of constant phone calls later he got the message, and left me alone.

Things have now got easier, he still swaps and changes a little (let's not expect miracles), and I accommodate that where I can because I try to strike a balance between facilitating his relationship with DS and sticking rigidly to plans. But I am so very glad that I stood up to him.

One more thing- to the posters saying the OP should look to weekends to fit in more work. For me weekends are precious time to spend with DS when he is not at school, I would not appreciate EXP pushing me into a situation where I lost that time to suit his work or hobby. the same may be true for the OP.

[Fourormore]

Yes we do 50/50. I remarried so am no longer eligible for tax credits as DHs wage takes us over the threshold.

If you both claim for tax credits then they send you a form to fill in to assess who should receive the payments. It could be that they decide that you only get tax credits for one child in that case but it's worth a try if your ex isn't claiming anymore.

[ratburger56]

Fourormore, Thank you so much, i will put in a claim today as i was unaware of this and his claim ended very recently. I thought i could only claim if i received the child benefit for the child.

What will happen if then tries to make a claim again for the tax credits?

If i do this i will not tell him as it will further anger him as i am about to with knocking back his request to swap days, although i am taking my time formulating my reply to put it in the nicest way.

May i ask if you do 50/50 shared care with your ex husband? I am finding it quite difficult to find information on these things as it is not the norm here.

[Fourormore]

You can claim tax credits for both children even if you don't get CB for both, btw. I claim CB for my DC but exH gets the tax credits.

[ratburger56]

Thanks everyone

Having looked properly at the figures of full time employment, in my current situation after all rent, bills, childcare, food and travel costs are covered i would roughly be left with £50 a week to cover things like activities and clothes for myself and children, which will leave me unable to save to cover the higher costs of childcare in holidays. Which is why i then thought part time work in the time they are with their father would be best.

Ideally i would like to go back to what i was doing before the children were born as i will hopefully be able to eventually make a decent living at it again in the future.

The only way that i could make this work is to receive the child benefit for both children. Which my ex told me in mediation that he would not allow even though he now is in an income bracket which means he no longer receives any help from tax credits, he also said i receive to much benefits as it is. He has made it clear that he wants to make my life as difficult as possible without giving any thought as to how this affects my ability to provide for our children and told me that he would have them full time if i couldn't provide for them as he is now in a better position to care for them.

I was referred to the freedom programme last year i think but nothing came of it despite being chased up.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

If you have the child more weekdays it is possible to have the CB transferred to you.

One of the things they use in their criteria for deciding who should get it is weekday residence

[Duckdeamon]

I'm sorry you financial situation is difficult and that your ex was abusive and is still seeking to bully you. You sound as though you still believe he will have things his way: that's not necessarily the case. For example, you agreed to remain AH until youngest DC started school so he could work full time, which in economic terms benefited him and harmed you: he now wants you again to pay the costs (to your earnings and work options) so he can pursue his work choices. Unfair.

Have you considered the Freedom Programme?

Stick to your guns about the current arrangement: if he doesn't like it he can organise a return to mediation or even court.

Focus on job options and finances. If affordable it might actually be better to do something that costs you more in childcare in the short term with prospects of higher earnings later.

[Hamiltoes]

School holiday childcare would be something you'll have to save for through the year.

On a minimum wage, without receiving the full rate of child benefit, tax credits, housing benefit and child maintence OP would be entitled to if she only had the children for an extra half day?

That sounds likely

[RudeElf]

School holiday childcare would be something you'll have to save for through the year.

[SouthWestmom]

Okay I've got it now!

Can you agree to swap if he lets you have the child benefit?

[ratburger56]

Yes i can only receive help with childcare for one child which no matter what i do i cannot avoid some of the costs, with them being more than i would earn in school holidays if i receive no help and he is not wanting to pay any childcare at all by swapping the days.

[SouthWestmom]

Is the issue that you don't get maintenance because if the 50:50 split, and you have agreed to split the children for benefit purposes, so could only claim childcare for one? Can you really only claim childcare tax credits for the child you get CB for?
Meanwhile he wants to avoid childcare costs by swapping days now? You don't work but are looking?

[ratburger56]

Dontcare i do not want to go back on the 50/50 agreement as it is in the best interests of the children regardless of the continued controlling behavior i put up with, but i also don't want to be the one struggling to survive, by paying out for extra child care costs on a meager salary while he lives comfortably with no childcare costs.

All trust has been lost and although it was amicable in the beginning he soon showed how much contempt he held towards me. There is no reasoning with him as he is completely unable to see my point of view.

[DontcarehowIwantitnow]

Unfortuanlty there is no way that he will now go back on the arrangment of 50/50

Why should he tbh.

You already say one of the DC gets anxiety when away from either parent for any length of time.

[Hamiltoes]

They are equal parents and one does not have the right to say to the other that they are having more time with their children, especially just for the sake of claiming more benefits and expecting maintenance.

Op has clearly stated they were not equal, she was the main carer, until emotionally abusive controlling bully (her own words) demanded they split 50/50 and threatened to take more away if she doesn't pander to his whims. Sounds to me like Ex was the one demanding more time so he could claim benefits and get out of paying maintence. All for what, because he has them an extra half day that makes it even harder for op to find work? At least if she had them on that day, she could work while they are in childcare and get all the help she is ENTITLED TO recieve.

This isn't about trying to play the system so OP can fiddle benefits and take her ex for all he is worth maintence wise. Shes said he refuses to support her. I am asking why she continues to go along with whatever he says when there is an alternitive in which she would be better off financially and emotionally.

[Bettydownthehall]

I would agree to both contribute equally to wrap around care so you can both work. Then you would be only paying the costs for one child.

[Osolea]

There is no main carer if they are both looking after their children an equal amount of time. They are equal parents and one does not have the right to say to the other that they are having more time with their children, especially just for the sake of claiming more benefits and expecting maintenance.

That advice is just horrible, as well as incredibly selfish. One parent trying to do that would be infinitely worse than one parent just asking if they can simply swop a day so that they can go to work.

OP, if you really don't want to swap a day then don't. You don't have to, and you are well withing your rights to keep it the same. But I don't think being completely inflexible will do you any favours in the long run. Finding a job to fit in with the days you currently have free is already going to be difficult enough, if not impossible, so at some point an arrangement is going to have to be made so that you can both work.

[SouthWestmom]

Re; CB you could both claim the higher rate for the oldest child living with you. Not sure if that helps!

If you have 2 children and one of them stays with you, you’ll get £20.70 a week for them. If your ex-partner claims for the other child, they’ll get £20.70 a week for that child.
If you both claim for the same child, only one of you will get Child Benefit for them.
From www.gov.uk

[Italiangreyhound]

ratburger56 hi, I've not got any experience of this and nothing to add about the work division or costs/money etc.... except to say that it sounds like you put your career on hold to look after the children who are his and yours, and this controlling bully is trying still to call the shots.

Please keep and document all unreasonable behaviour and maybe see if you can seek advice about this from a professional.

I don;t understand this 50/50 thing because even if kids so spend 50% of time with one parent it doesn't follow that parent spends 50% of the money and it may be one parent is paying more for things like shoes/school uniform etc, so please do keep a track of what you spend in case it is useful one day.

In your shoes I would only give in to what he wants if it helps you. It is lovely to be supportive and flexible if one can but it sounds like your ex has no desire to be supportive and flexible with you.

Good luck.

[Hamiltoes]

Well, you could still be classed as the main carer even with 50/50. Read up on it and what you are entitled to.

Although I still don't understand why you are pandering to what he wants.

[ratburger56]

Unfortuanlty there is no way that he will now go back on the arrangment of 50/50 and give me a higher percentage of time during the week with the children. He has already made that clear.

[catewood21]

Yabu he shouldhave the dc on the days he is off.that is what is best for the DC. You have no job to work round as yet.when you do you can renegotiate.

[Hamiltoes]

You know you would probably be better off both financially and emotionally by stopping the whole splitting benefits and shared care etc.

Split it 4/3 and let him pick his days. Doesn't matter what days, give him the control. Start looking immediately for a full time Mon-Fri full time job. You are their main carer. Get on to entitled to and you will likely get 70% of childcare costs you pay covered by tax credits if you are in low paid work. Claim ALL the child benefit. Claim child maintenance from him. If he choses days during mon-fri great, he pays childcare for those days. If not then as their main carer you pay, but I can 95% guarentee you will be much better off in work getting all the help you're entitled to than this silly pandering to his every whim.

Why look for low paid part time school hours work when as a single parent, you really don't have to?

[RudeElf]

Ah ok. That makes sense. That was actually the arrangement i was thinking of suggesting because i think it is most equal so in your shoes i wouldnt budge from it. Let him threaten whatever he likes. You get cracking on looking for work for those days, and could i suggest that cleaning is a great job for fitting into school hours until you find something you would rather be doing.

[ratburger56]

Extrahot the only day that changes is a saturday