For having a go at this Dad at activity

[DoopDoopBiscuit]

I fear I may have been unreasonable as I'm not having a very good few days, so may have not been rational.

Took DD (1.5) to a play activity today which we regularly go to. I've been feeling a little annoyed lately that some parents aren't supervising their children properly. It's a kind of circuit you go around with your child, but quite often the parent isn't near their child and the children push in front of others etc. I just feel a bit annoyed usually but that's as far as it goes. I understand kids will be kids and don't say anything.

Today there was a dad with his 2 dc's. One was just walking so not really joining in and he was mainly carrying her, and the other was around 3ish. Twice the older child pushed my DD out of the way to go down a slide. That is my daughter was just about to go down and the child clambered over her and went down herself. I let it go - I couldn't see the dad anywhere (although didn't look for him) and my DD wasn't upset.

So... DD went to crawl through a hole. I took a few steps so I could go and meet her at the other side (she is a nervous child and has only in the last few weeks plucked up the courage to go through), and was met with the same child as earlier tearing through and DD was backing away. This time I saw the dad looking on. It really pissed me off that he'd watched and not said a thing. If he'd said "DD be careful" or just said "sorry" I'd have thought no more of it probably. I'm usually a quiet person but I loudly said to him "excuse me, this is the third time your child has shoved DD out of the way". He said actually she hadn't, that my DD had backed away. I said yes she backed away because there was a child barging past her. (It wasn't that DD wasn't quite at the hole and the other child had snuck in front). I told him I wouldn't have minded if it was the first time but it had happened twice before. He said why I didn't tell him then and I said because he wasn't there (he may have been nearish and stood behind me. I had presumed he wasn't there as he hadn't stepped in to encourage the child to wait her turn etc).

The child then goes onto the next part of the circuit and another woman starts helping her, saying to the dad "oh it's no problem to help. I know how hard it is with two children and you have your hands full". DD then goes onto it next, and when the person in charge looks at me I start crying (as I say I've not had a good few days) and so I go to leave. She comes over to see if I'm ok and I politely turn her away as I was trying to compose myself. We walk out of the door then DD starts crying and wants to go back in. I felt guilty as it wasn't her fault I left, so I returned to finish the class.

I feel like I don't want to go back, and that I must've been in the wrong as the other parent in effect backed him up. Plus I feel embarrassed. I'm prepared to be told I'm unreasonable as I did probably snap at him. But at the same time I feel like you should be making an attempt to supervise your child properly at this activity, and I think part of going there is to teach your child to wait their turn and be considerate to others etc. Quite often a child will "jump the queue" and their parent will tell them they must wait their turn etc, and I say not to worry. I do understand that's what children do! I just feel like it's a parents job to try and teach children how they should behave.

Sorry for such a long post for something that probably seems trivial to some.

[DoopDoopBiscuit]

Thanks all I've taken everyone's comments on board. I definitely think I'll handle this kind of thing better next time. I think I'm nervous to give other people's children direction as I don't want to upset a child or offend a parent. But that's how it's been in the past.. in future I will try not to worry about that. As pp said, it's teaching my child manners as much as the other child.

I did have an experience years ago where I was out with my friend and her toddler. Friend was walking ahead, and her ds walked near to the road. I said in a sing song voice "careful of the road x!". He stopped dead. Looked at the floor. Sulked for ages. Friend was saying to him "come on, it's ok. Doop didn't mean it!" I thought "didn't mean what?! I didn't do anything wrong!!" It's definitely put me off! But he was very spoilt and indulged so I need to remember this was an exception!

[ILovePies]

The way you went around it probably wasn't the best - but as you say you're having a tough time and when we are pushed to the limit we often don't think before you speak.
However YWNBU to say something. It is not hard to watch over 2 children. Especially if he was simply carrying one around. I agree a quick 'watch the other children' or 'wait your turn DD' would have sufficed!
Really irks me when parents don't even acknowledge their children have done something wrong!!
for you OP, hope things start looking up soon.

[CreepingDogFart]

You seem stressed and tired

[amarmai]

last straw-happens to all of us. It was him and his dd not you,op.

[thickgit]

This is what I think: You are your child's voice. If you don't stick up for your child, what message does that send them? I learned the hard way. . . Came away from a playgroup guilt ridden that I'd let some child be unkind to my boy. Never again. It's simple in my eyes. . . If the parent isn't there to discipline, then I simply say "no, we do not push/take/etc" in a firm voice with a cross look on my face. I also use my hand to do the no sign to affirm what I'm saying and to show parent that is hopefully looking on that there is a problem.
Show your child that you won't have others being unkind. It sends a message to your child, and the other child (and the parent if they are being too relaxed)

[PollyPurple]

I think you were right to tell the df, definitely and I don't think you were bu, not at all. This might make him a bit more responsible the next time he goes hopefully, not just bumble along ignoring bad behaviour. He should have been watching his 3 year old and jumping in accordingly.

[PollyPurple]

In this instance if I'd seen another dc trying to barge past mine I'd probably say 'ooh careful' quite loudly, hoping the other parent would be near enough to intervene, especially with regards to the slide incident.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

Tumble tots is hell on earth IMO. Yes you were snappy but he was being lax. Shit happens. Don't give it another thought. You really need to get your confidence back re 'being the adult' (it's not parenting their kids), your DD needs you to stand up for her (in a way she will soon understand ('Be careful of the little girl') and ALL children need to learn to respect others, if their parent isn't onto it, don't hesitate.

If it's his first time there he probably didn't realise it's a circuit (and it's not at all of them). It causes more grief than it's worth! Don't get me started on the enforced 'singing time' when there's a slide in sight...

Finish the sessions you've paid for, then head to the play park!! Spring has sprung 💐

[cornishglos]

The worst thing is when someone else tries to discipline your child. You wouldn't have it the other way around. Imagine the dad with his hands full saying to your child 'hurry up, we're waiting'. Children will push and shove. They're not being mean, just excited. They will learn, but there are ways and means, and I really wouldn't appreciate another parent telling my child off. Your daughter didn't seem bothered from what I can gather. You could have let it go.

[Binkybix]

It's fine to say that you don't want someone else telling your child off if you are going to supervise yourself.

I have a timid child on some ways, and if someone jumps the queue etc he tends to back off and decide he doesn't want to go on things at all, I've got braver and tend to have a quick look for the parent. If they don't intervene I'll say something kindly to the child myself.

I don't worry OP, it'll be fine. The other women might not even have seen what went on before. You might only be linking the two things because you feel vulnerable.

[mrsplum2015]

I agree with teapot. I would just speak to the child about their behaviour - very nicely but making it clear what is not ok. I can't be bothered with the whole playground politics and helicopter parenting anymore (my oldest is 11 and I have another 2 DC, the youngest being 2!)....

So, I am aware sometimes my toddler is being a tyke and I am more than happy for other parents to gently admonish her. I don't have the energy to be fully watching her at all times when I think she is relatively safe (while she was the cruising baby I saw it as my responsibility to be safeguarding her and did hover around her closely).

The other day we were at a park and older kids were throwing rocks near my 2 year old. In my mind I had to make sure she was safe so I asked them to move away from the little kids if they wanted to throw rocks - it was fine - I have no idea who their parents were and nor did I care!!

[catewood21]

maybe let the faster kids overtake your DD?

[DoopDoopBiscuit]

My DD isn't being slow, and if others kids are faster I do let them overtake thanks

[DoopDoopBiscuit]

Extra - it isn't tumble tots and is very clear it's a circuit as they explain every time. Children always go the wrong way though It's payg so I can stop going any time

[DoopDoopBiscuit]

To be honest I'm amazed people would expect me to discipline their children. Even if only gently. I'm so aware of what DD is doing and over apologise for her if anything. I don't mean that to sound like I think I'm perfect - far from it. But I'd never expect anyone to need to discipline my child while I'm responsible for her.

[BarbarianMum]

[DoopDoopBiscuit]

I would be grateful if someone disciplined her if I hadn't. But I would be embarrassed they needed to. I wouldn't leave the house and go somewhere thinking "I don't have the energy to be fully watching her at all times" and expect someone else to do it as said upthread. Isn't that my primary job as her mother?!

[Binkybix]

I agree you shouldn't have to ask the child in this instance, as it sounds as though the dad was right there. But sometimes you do just to stick up for yours! I had to do it the other day with the mum standing right next to me because she wasn't saying a thing. Was a bit awkward but there you go.

I don't necessarily agree with letting the faster ones go first - they can wait for a couple of seconds for a smaller one!

[Binkybix]

But agree that in general terms, it's not always as easy as you make it sound when you have two or more!

[BarbarianMum]

Whatever you plan, whatever you do, there will be times when you misjudge or are distracted or make mistakes. There will come a time where it is not your 'primary job' to be constantly at her side but to allow her to explore a little, try a little independence. You will not be on hand to police every interaction she has with another child. There will be times she surprises you and does things you never thought she'd do.

And those are the times when you may need others to step in. And yes, you'll be embarrassed, that's normal. But hopefully not too embarrassed - we are all human. And maybe not so quick to rush to judge failures in others.

[catewood21]

is very clear it's a circuit as they explain every time

My DD isn't being slow, and if others kids are faster I do let them overtake thanks hmm

so if this child pushed past your DC three times she must have lapped your DC at least twice? Maybe give way to faster traffic?

[Binkybix]

I think OP said it was meant to be a circuit, but people didn't always do it like that.

Plus, you could be waiting forever for all the faster ones if you have the youngest. So what if older one has to wait a bit? It doesn't mean that parent shouldn't intervene if their kid shoves another.

[DoopDoopBiscuit]

Cate she wasn't lapping DD. It's hard to explain, but it's a huge circuit. So I can only presume the little girl wasn't following the circuit and just going to different bits. Which is no problem! It's not like cars going around a track which overtake each other. Some children will hover around one bit for a while, another child may miss one bit out. It's not strict!

[BeardMinge]

The worst thing is when someone else tries to discipline your child. You wouldn't have it the other way around

Seriously? I have one 16 month old who can be a bit boisterous, and I have absolutely no problem with another parent/adult telling her to 'be careful/stop patting Hugo's head so hard/don't push' if something happens whilst I'm not looking - why on earth would I?

Also more than happy to say something to the hordes of 4 year olds who trample the babies underfoot in the 0-2 year olds section of our local soft play.

I don't do it nastily, they are only small children too after all, but I do say something.

[DoopDoopBiscuit]

I agree there will be times I'll have to say something to another child, and another adult will have to say something to mine. In both instances I'd feel awkward though - sorry but that's just how I'd feel - and would think it makes most sense for parents to aim to keep an eye on their own children.

I am definitely not quick to rush to judge failures in others! For goodness sake! The man was standing RIGHT THERE! I said earlier - the previous two times I didn't see a parent near her and didn't judge at all! If a parent doesn't see their child doing something wrong I'd never judge them or deem them a failure. Don't know where you've got that from.

DD does explore and has an age appropriate amount of independence. She's almost 20 months (didn't want to go down the whole "months" route in the original post) and has been walking since 10 months, so is confident to wander around etc.