For having a go at this Dad at activity

[DoopDoopBiscuit]

I fear I may have been unreasonable as I'm not having a very good few days, so may have not been rational.

Took DD (1.5) to a play activity today which we regularly go to. I've been feeling a little annoyed lately that some parents aren't supervising their children properly. It's a kind of circuit you go around with your child, but quite often the parent isn't near their child and the children push in front of others etc. I just feel a bit annoyed usually but that's as far as it goes. I understand kids will be kids and don't say anything.

Today there was a dad with his 2 dc's. One was just walking so not really joining in and he was mainly carrying her, and the other was around 3ish. Twice the older child pushed my DD out of the way to go down a slide. That is my daughter was just about to go down and the child clambered over her and went down herself. I let it go - I couldn't see the dad anywhere (although didn't look for him) and my DD wasn't upset.

So... DD went to crawl through a hole. I took a few steps so I could go and meet her at the other side (she is a nervous child and has only in the last few weeks plucked up the courage to go through), and was met with the same child as earlier tearing through and DD was backing away. This time I saw the dad looking on. It really pissed me off that he'd watched and not said a thing. If he'd said "DD be careful" or just said "sorry" I'd have thought no more of it probably. I'm usually a quiet person but I loudly said to him "excuse me, this is the third time your child has shoved DD out of the way". He said actually she hadn't, that my DD had backed away. I said yes she backed away because there was a child barging past her. (It wasn't that DD wasn't quite at the hole and the other child had snuck in front). I told him I wouldn't have minded if it was the first time but it had happened twice before. He said why I didn't tell him then and I said because he wasn't there (he may have been nearish and stood behind me. I had presumed he wasn't there as he hadn't stepped in to encourage the child to wait her turn etc).

The child then goes onto the next part of the circuit and another woman starts helping her, saying to the dad "oh it's no problem to help. I know how hard it is with two children and you have your hands full". DD then goes onto it next, and when the person in charge looks at me I start crying (as I say I've not had a good few days) and so I go to leave. She comes over to see if I'm ok and I politely turn her away as I was trying to compose myself. We walk out of the door then DD starts crying and wants to go back in. I felt guilty as it wasn't her fault I left, so I returned to finish the class.

I feel like I don't want to go back, and that I must've been in the wrong as the other parent in effect backed him up. Plus I feel embarrassed. I'm prepared to be told I'm unreasonable as I did probably snap at him. But at the same time I feel like you should be making an attempt to supervise your child properly at this activity, and I think part of going there is to teach your child to wait their turn and be considerate to others etc. Quite often a child will "jump the queue" and their parent will tell them they must wait their turn etc, and I say not to worry. I do understand that's what children do! I just feel like it's a parents job to try and teach children how they should behave.

Sorry for such a long post for something that probably seems trivial to some.

[MiffleTheIntrovert]

To me it sounds as though you are worried or stressed about something else entirely and this was just sort of an "off loading" incident.

Would it help to talk about whatever is really bothering you?

Don't give the soft play (or whatever activity) another thought, by the way. We all have days like this. Any parent would understand.

[DoopDoopBiscuit]

Very wise words Antsare

[DoopDoopBiscuit]

Teapot I completely understand what you are saying, and perhaps when I am feeling more confident and my anxiety has lessend I will be able to step in and have a gentle word as you suggest. I still maintain that it is primarily the parents responsibility though so I shouldn't need to

[DoopDoopBiscuit]

Thanks miffle you're right. The reasons I'm worried and stressed are a very long story so I won't go into it right now. But thank you for asking. I realise that being stressed has made me act badly. From the other parents point of view, he just saw one incident and I snapped at him. Although if he'd just said "careful DD!" I'm quite confident nothing else would've happened

[MiffleTheIntrovert]

Don't worry. Every time I have cried in soft play public with my DC (and this has been numerous and varied, believe me), I've never cried about what is actually going at the time, it's been other stuff.

I hope whatever it is, is OK - maybe start a new thread in whatever topic, get it off your chest

(I hope you don't get a load of people not RingTFT and coming on to say YABU. A soft play altercation and an AIBU - you're brave!)

[zoomtothespoon]

I think many of us have been in your shoes OP. I recently confronted a few dads at a laser quest place. Their sons were picking on mine so badly throughout the game that every time they stopped for a break he would come out in tears. It doesn't matter if you feel silly, you stood up for your child which is important! Like a PP said, it sounds like the other woman was being a bit sexiest. I would have done the same in your shoes

[SouthWestmom]

Barbarian - 'cabbages' - that's a really offensive term . Perhaps avoid it in future?

[BillSykesDog]

It was an overreaction and I think that is why the other woman made a point because she thought you were being out of order. And to the outside eye you probably were.

But we know you were having a hard time (and whatever it is it does sound like it's a really tough one), the people running it know and I would think this Dad probably guessed too.

People do understand that this sort of thing happens under extreme pressure, everybody's done it now and again. Don't dwell on it or beat yourself up about it, it really doesn't matter, put it behind you.

And I hope you're feeling better and things are looking up for you soon.

[ClarenceTheLion]

The dad didn't say anything to the other woman. I felt she was trying to make a point to me as he wasn't physically struggling to help his older daughter, and at least 50% of parents at this group are there with 2 children. I don't feel she'd be jumping at the chance to help them all, although I accept I may be wrong

I suspect you're not wrong. Some women practically hero worship men for 'babysitting' their own children. (That's what my DPs mother calls it when DP has them on his own.) I doubt she'd have jumped to a mothers defence like that.

[MiffleTheIntrovert]

Am I missing something Noeuf, I assumed this just literally meant cabbages as in vegetables, to look after rather than DC?

[SatsukiKusakabe]

I got upset at things like this with my first.

With my second, having been around young children more, and, crucially, watched others with more experience than me, I am much more confident about managing the situation with the children. It is not telling off - I adopt the manner of a preschool teacher and say brightly but firmly "it's X's turn, you're next" or "X is going down the slide now, wait until it's safe" and it usually does the trick. Sometimes it's just the shock of having a strange adult address them that stops them in their tracks than what you actually say.

I will say though that you need to be prepared to be a magnet for the children whose parents are not doing things with them, for whatever reason. I find this everywhere - building sandcastles on the beach, soft play, the park. Children crave attention and they will be drawn to whoever looks like they are giving it. If they want their own parent's attention they will try to get it by pushing, taking toys, getting down the slide first. The best way to stop it is with some positive attention, it either draws the adult over or makes the child less pushy.

Hope you are feeling better, these kinds of activities will always push you over the edge if you 're anywhere near it. Don't feel embarrassed.

[SouthWestmom]

Maybe, depends on your experiences possibly? I find it really offensive.

[BarbarianMum]

neoeuf it's taken me a few minutes thinking to work out why anyone might find 'cabbages' offensive. I was referring to the green, leafy vegetable (I have been packing them into veg boxes all morning so they're on my mind). I picked the first thing I thought of that was inert - not a reference to people at all. Sorry you've been offended but thathideous usage of the word never even crossed my mind. I'll avoid it in future though.

[Notonthestairs]

YANBU. Two kids isnt that difficult FFS (17 months between my two).

That said I have one over exuberant child and one timid one (with SEN). If I had only had DS (the over exuberant one) I'd have assumed all children went gungho at stuff and probably not noticed that some children need more time.

Next time (and there will be a next time) it would be better to have a calm word with either the dad or the child. When it happens to DD I just say "Hey, no pushing thankyou" and that tends to stop them in their tracks. It's not like they mean to push her out of the way, they are just having fun, but a reminder that they are being watched means they tend to shift to better behaviour.

I have stepped in to protect my DD plenty of times when she's plucking up courage to go down a slide or whatever.

Because I know that DS gets over excited I watch him closely and If I spot him pushing he is also made to apologise - this has made him think twice about it. If a parent ever complained about his behaviour I would apologise - more so if it happened when I wasnt watching as I would be embarrassed to have taken my eye off the ball.

Go back to the softplay next week - no one will have given it any thought I promise you.

[bittapitta]

You say you only have experience of your 1.5yo. I think you think the 3yo (who may have been younger anyway) should've known better as she looks so much older than your 1yo but actually 3 year olds still have poor impulse control and would only have so much patience for waiting their turn especially if it looked like your child was letting them go first. Yes the dad should have been closely supervising but he probably would have expected someone to tell him if there was a problem rather than bite his head off without mentioning it sooner. Sorry you've had a hard few days though and I sympathise with crying in public after this kind of confrontation, it's a minefield.

[Realfootyfan]

YANBU. But definitely go back next week if only to allow dd to build up confidence.

It's an interesting parallel for you to build up your confidence in dealing with difficult situations too. I've definitely found that having dc has helped me to be more assertive as I felt more protective of them than of myself!

I also found that in practising to be more assertive, I overhit a few times (ie sounded a bit aggressive) as you do when learning to do everything. Hope everything else going on for you gets sorted soon.

[Realfootyfan]

Not literally overhit btw

[SatsukiKusakabe]

barbarianmum it would have taken a bit of effort and an ill will to read anything offensive into your post in this context.

[longdiling]

I agree with teapot. Honestly it's not parenting or particularly hard work to just say 'hang on sweetheart, dd was there first '. As you have discovered, when you let it go it ends up festering into a big deal and then you over react and feel silly. Try not to think of it as doing the dad's job for him but of parenting your own child - she will also be learning that it's not OK for people to barge past her and how to stand up for herself effectively.

[grannytomine]

OP sometimes it is all too much and little things that wouldn't normally bother us become huge issues. If your little girl enjoys it do go back, you have done nothing wrong, it seems a big issue to you but it is unlikely that anyone else remembers it now.

[BillSykesDog]

That's so true granny. Everybody's done it. It all builds up and then someone pushes in front of you to get on a train or in a queue and it just all comes flooding out.

Don't sweat it OP, put your feet up, have a and some and a big unmumsnetty hug and take care of yourself.

[Valentine2]

YANBU but it is not entirely that either. I would have probably stepped in the second time your DD was pushed and would have told the child to wait for their turn politely but firmly.
That mom was being very unreasonable poking her nose in someone else's problem there and then no matter who was being unreasonable.
I have two DCs and I don't think itgives me any excuse for lax parenting / supervision during activities.

[MrRochestersDog]

YANBU. Why should his child be allowed to ruin things for yours?
If I had been there I would have been really glad you had made him aware that his DD needed to be supervised more closely (I bet some of the other parents were grateful).